AN: Here it is! Twilight in a Nutshell. I'll probably end up making one for the other books too, some day or another...
DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything from Twilight.
EDIT: Thanks to Anonymous for being the first to comment! :)
Twilight in a Nutshell
Edward: -glare-
Bella: -pout-
Edward: Hi Bella.
Bella: Uhh... hi?
Edward: Stay away from me. I'm a dangerous monster.
THE NEXT DAY
Edward: Hi again.
Bella: Didn't you tell me to stay away from you?
Edward: Yeah, and if you were smart, you would take my advice.
Bella: Too bad I'm not smart.
Edward: Damn. -throws truck across parking lot with one hand-
Bella: Whoa, how did you do that?
Edward: You, uh, hit your head. You're hallucinating. -glances at destroyed truck- On second thought, it was an adrenaline rush.
Bella: There's something strange about you.
Edward: What, did you notice the sparkles?
Bella: Yeah, I kind of wondered about that.
Edward: Oh, that's because I'm a vampire.
Bella: Vampires sparkle?
Edward: The real ones do. See, all those old movies and legends were all just crap and lies. Real vampires sparkle in the sunlight and feel like marble, and the only way to destroy them is by setting them on fire.
Bella: Oh, that makes sense.
Edward: Hmm... I wonder how much physical and emotional pain I can cause myself at once... -kisses Bella-
Bella: Wow! That was almost better than doing drugs!
Jacob: Hi Bella.
Bella: Hi Jacob! Long time no see!
Edward: -glare-
Jacob: -glare-
Bella: -smiles brightly-
Edward: Bella, come play baseball with my family.
Bella: Sure.
AT THE BASEBALLGAME
Edward: There's some creepy vampires heading our way.
Bella: Oh.
LOTS OF GROWLING LATER
Edward: Did you see that creepy vampire with the ponytail?
Bella: Yeah.
Edward: He wants to kill you.
Bella: Oh.
Edward: He has your mother held captive.
Bella: Oh.
Edward: I won't let him hurt you.
Bella: Oh. -runs straight into the bad guy's arms when Ed's back is turned-
Edward: Damn.
Bella: -shrieks and writhes in pain- No, Edward! Don't save me! I like being dramatic and in pain!
James: -bites Bella's hand-
Bella: AHHH OKAY EDWARD YOU CAN SAVE ME NOOOWW!
Edward: -rips James's head off-
Bella: MY HAND IS BURNING! HELP ME EDWAAARRDD! I DON'T CARE THAT FIRE IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN HURT YOU!
Edward: -sucks venom out of Bella-
Bella: Yay! You saved me!
Edward: You're wrong. I almost killed you. That's why I'm leaving you.
Bella: WHAT? NO EDWARD DON'T LEAVE ME DON'T LEAVE DON'T LEAVE MEEE I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT Y-
Edward: Alright, alright, I'll stay! Sheesh. I'll just leave in the next book anyways...
THE END