I Watch Her Sleep

It is Saturday morning and the sun still sleeps peacefully somewhere far, far away. I feel someone's presence next to me and my heart instantly fills with love as it has done every morning for a long time now.

I don't open my eyes, not yet. I just lay there and listen her breathing - my favorite music. That sound takes away my pain, my fear, my darkness. Her breath lets me know that she's alive and that she's here, with me. Her breath makes me smile.

As I turn around, ever so carefully, I open my eyes to watch her sleep. A small ray of light makes its way into our bedroom and rests against her angelic face. She looks so peaceful, so beautiful with that small contented smile playing on her face. Words are unable to describe the woman next to me. She is… beyond perfect.

It's more than her looks, the perfection I am talking about; it's her. Her capability of love, her sense of unusual humor, her honesty, her stubbornness, her bossiness and her vulnerability that is so well hidden. There is so much to her that a thousand pages would not be enough to describe her. Everything about her, all her virtues and imperfections, make her perfect. Perfect for me.

What did I ever do to deserve her? I honestly don't know. Before her I was a shadow of a man. My life was empty. No love, no joy, no trust - only pain. Over time I lost faith in ever feeling whole again. I thought I did not deserve happiness with the past I had. But then…

She came into my life like a hurricane, without a warning and turned it upside down. Everything I thought I knew was being questioned again and everything I hid deep down inside me was begging to be discovered and released.

So, we have begun working on potions that her apprenticeship required. In the beginning it was awkward, to say the least. I didn't know how to act and nor did she. We didn't even have a decent conversation until the fourth day. But as time went by we developed some sort of mutual respect. She reminded me of myself while younger, with being only 19 and already knowing more than most of the older wizards and witches. Plus, she was still eager to learn more and more. She amazed me with her intelligence, she still does, and that's nearly impossible to do.

Before we knew it, that respect we had slowly grew into a friendship that grew stronger by the day. First we would talk about potions and topics like that - nothing specific, nothing private. It was awkward for me to talk to someone about anything other than work. I haven't had a friend in a long time, so this was uncharted territory for me. I wanted to be a good friend to her but didn't know how to act, what to do...

But, it seems that I have not needed to worry, it just came to me. Being with her felt natural. It felt right. And so with time, without us noticing, our conversations were getting more and more personal. Our favorite books… our goals… our past… our future... And to my great surprise, it didn't bother me to talk about my life. I trusted her and to have someone you can trust was a good feeling. A feeling I never truly felt before. While I am a loner and I don't like people in general, to have that one person there for you in the darkest of times was refreshing. She has showed me that a need for a friend is not a weakness, how I used to believe, but reality of us all. And so we talked and talked and talked… yet we had never grown bored of one another. Even when we reached the place where we could read each other like an open book, there was something special, secret and beautiful about the person beside you…

While she came to know me better than anyone else had ever had, there was still an untouched topic between us - my time as a Death Eater. I knew we would have to talk about it at some point; it was inevitable. But to be honest, it scared me to talk about that period of my life. And more so, because I knew I couldn't lie about it. Not to her. Never in my life have I cared more about somebody's opinion of me than hers… I was afraid that she would run away from me. The idea of losing the only real friend I ever had was frightening. But, we just couldn't avoid the topic. And so, one day, we talked. It was a painful conversation for the both of us. I told her everything there was to tell. All the crimes I have committed and my feelings during them. I never felt as bare as I did then. That had been the last secret I had kept from her. The last part of me that was only my own. After three hours I was done with the story and silence blanketed the room. That was not our usual, nice silence but the intense one. I couldn't bring myself to look her in the eyes, afraid of what I might see there. And then the unthinkable happened… She hugged me. I looked in her eyes, still feeling insecure about my revelations and found them filled with tears. They were not the angry, disgusted tears, but the sad, sad tears. She told me she was sorry that I had to go though all of that. That no one should be forced to do things I did. She felt sorry for me! I was stunned, unable to speak and just hugged her back. She didn't run away, she stayed, with me. I did not expect this, not in a million years.

Before too long we started acting like an old married couple, or so said Albus. She began to stay the night more often than not - in the spare room of course. Like a true couple, we would talk or read together, slowly starting to lean into each other. The two of us normally referred to the other with pet names like darling or petal, and comments like 'Yes, petal.' and 'Behave darling.' were made on a daily basis. To us it seemed normal to have all meals together and share the duty of cleaning the chambers. While we did see other people, it always ended after the first date because they thought we talked too much about the other. So we did the only logical thing – we stopped dating others. Not that we missed it. Neither of us noticed or wanted to admit that we really were acting like a married couple. We were just good friends with no romantic feelings... or so we thought.

During one of our fights she left. The fight was pretty bad and we said things we didn't mean but I never expected her to leave. After a few moments of staring at the closed door I realized why I felt my heart being ripped out when she closed the door. It was ripped out because my heart was not mine anymore. It was not me whom it followed, but her. Yes, I was in love with her. It shocked me at first and it took me a few minutes to get myself together again and then I did something I never did before, and never would again. I ran after her.

It didn't take me long to find her, I knew her all too well. She was crying in the library. At first she didn't want to look at me, she was too hurt. When she raised her head at last, the pain that was still in her eyes killed me over and over again. I have never in my life felt the need to apologize so profusely up until now. So, for the first time in years I said I was sorry. And then… then I kissed her. The kiss was beyond any other. It held so much passion, love, and longing… With that kiss, all my questions were answered, all my doubts were shattered and all the love I gave was returned. With only a kiss, I got a heart back. No, not mine, my heart was still with her, but hers, hers was with me.

After that life continued without many changes. Not that we could change many things considering we acted like a couple in the first place. The only thing that was different were the kisses we now shared. And the bedroom too. To have her in my arms at night was my unknown dream, turning into reality. My heart felt whole, something it had never felt before. The love I had for her grew with each day. I was indeed a happy man. The only thing that was still worrying me was telling the Headmaster. I am not sure what scared me more: his angry reaction or his happy one. When we told the old meddling foul - also known as Albus - about us his eyes twinkled like mad. He started singing 'All You Need Is Love' and dancing with the unfortunate house-elf that brought us tea. He said this called for a grand feast, but we were able to calm him down, thank God. We got away with only a small tea party including most of her friends and my godson. Draco, Harry and the Weasleys. We didn't want to keep it a secret but some privacy would be nice, considering that we were very private people.

The tea party was the next day. Everyone was there but no one, except us three, knew why. Seeing their nervousness of not knowing the reason for the party, Dumbledore decided to give a speech. About Hermione and I. Damn him! After that oh-so-wonderful speech that included all sorts of personal things, like the story of our first date, people reacted in all sort of ways. Ron screamed. Harry fell out of his chair. Draco looked like a ghost. Minerva was pacing and having one of her monologues 'This could not be. She is 20 years younger…'. Molly fainted. Remus had his wand out and pointed at me. Ginny was smiling. Twins were laughing at, by their opinion, the best joke ever 'Severus and Hermione together? I never knew Dumbledore had a sense of humor, not this good anyway!' 'I have to tell this one to Lee, he'll die!' Filch was cursing 'Damn it! Professor Snape has a woman! That means he is busy at nights, so he has no time to serve detentions! I'm going to have more students in detention this year! Bloody Merlin! I hate love!' And Hermione? She had her wand pointed at Albus and I could hear her talking quietly to herself 'Cruciatus? No, too painless! I think I might transform this into a knife!' While others calmed down after a few minutes Ron and Harry did not. They didn't talk to Hermione until the next week and avoided me for quite some time. Not that I minded. It took them a couple of months to come to terms with our relationship and accept it. They never fully did, Ron still thinks I gave her a love potion but doesn't voice it much. But the worse thing is, that even now, I'm strongly forbidden to kiss her in front of them. That, however, I do mind.

A few months later I proposed. The ring I got her was a small, elegant, silver Celtic ring. The knot on it was infinity. That matched perfectly because my plan for our future was just that, infinity. As I got on one knee, I didn't say a word. All that I have been trying to memorize for weeks was gone. So I have let my eyes tell her the story. Everything she needed to know was right there, in my eyes, I hoped.

Those were the worse few moments of my life. I never felt so insecure, so exposed as when she looked deeply into my eyes. With one word I may be the happiest or the most miserable man in the world. I knew she loved me, I really did, but there were still doubts in my mind. I did change a little over the time I have spent with her but I was still the sarcastic, tempered, asocial, greasy man I was before. I can't change that. And I honestly can't see how that can be enough for her.

As another ray of light touches her face she wakes up. Her eyes open slowly and come to rest on me. That small smile she once had now becomes a beaming smile - a smile that holds a promise of infinity. And her eyes… Her eyes are shining with unconditional love. Love that gives hope to those who haven't felt it yet and that makes those who have, go and kiss their companion.

Oh, did I mention her answer was yes?