Pathetic

Hiei

By: FaiaOokami

One Shot

Disclaimer: Don't own.

Shounen-ai/ Angsty- HieixKurama

Note: This is Hiei's view.

Why had I been so foolish? The answer had been in front of me this whole time, yet I was ignorant to it. So many had become hurt and distanced themselves from me. No apology would ever bring them back. My sister, on one hand, had spoken to me several times about my actions, but I even treated her horribly, deep in my denial. I do not deserve her attentions if these actions and emotions continue. In fact, I disappeared shortly after Yukina's and my final 'conversation'.

Why didn't I care more back then? I didn't want to accept the truth or admit that I was scared for your safety. I was confident in your strength and ability to survive. I didn't join the group in fear of finding out what had happened. I wanted to continue to believe in false truths. I wanted to believe that you would emerge unharmed and smiling that smile that made my heart beat again.

I searched for you once with my Jagan. I received no answer and my denial emerged again. Why did I force myself to believe such nonsense? Did I not want to understand my own feelings that wanted to protect and care for you?

It had been two years since you disappeared. Yusuke, the oaf, and all of them gave up looking for you. They said you were dead, but Koenma said that your spirit did not travel to the Reikai like all souls. I yelled at them all, to say that you were alive. You were just having difficulties traveling, just something was stalling you. They yelled that I find you since I was so confident. I ignored their words and did not look for you. I believed.

Belief. It's such a foolish feeling – one I regret that I had. It had been sixty years now, yet you still do not show your beautiful face here. I stayed in Ningenkai all these last decades waiting and wishing. It was here I searched for you endlessly. I did not sleep, eat, or dream. All I wanted was to find you. My search led me to Makai, where I stayed with Mukuro, head of the territory. After a month however, she threw me out of her castle as I kept destroying things in my anger as I hadn't found you. This time, I lost my shelter and didn't care. You were my reason for what I truly wanted.

I lost my mind…so much that I walked the path you used to take from school and back. Along the path a flower shop was built; one that was headed by your step-father. The man was old; wrinkles adorned his face and covered his eyes as that was what age did to a human. One day I walked in, smells assaulting my sense of smell. They reminded me of you.

I came every day, observing flowers and remembering your descriptions of them. The old man noticed and spoke to me a week after my attendance started. He told me of a step–son he had, who he built this store for. He held out a rose to me, telling me that I reminded him of you and went back to his business. I left, to travel to Makai at speeds I didn't know I could accomplice.

No type of training met the pain inside my chest. The black dragon did not even compare. I held the rose close as constant tears hit the tree under me, every one forming a black teargem. I wish…

…that I could have told you that I loved you.

Pathetic

Kurama

By: Faia Ookami

Note: This is Kurama's view and a continuation.

Yes, it was true. I did disappear, but not for reasons others might think.

Before I left, I told my mother everything; my past and why I stayed. I told her my love would never cease, and that she was the reason I cared so greatly for others. I believed she would grow scared and refuse me any more attention, but to my relief, she just held me more, saying she would miss me.

Yusuke and the others were not so forgiving. They knew how I acted, but for reasons unknown to all except myself, and you. They knew something was amiss and needed a large explanation for my actions. So, of course, I told them the truth. I owed Yusuke and the group for how they developed my emotions unintentionally that much. Yusuke saved my life, Yukina never judged, and Kuwubara was always there, no matter his relationship with the person. In fact, this also applied to you.

You, however, would not respond. I called to you several times, each ending in vain. Yusuke volunteered to help, but I knew if you wanted to know something, you would show yourself. This time, you did not show. Were you running or hiding from something? Perhaps yourself?

Realizing my time was short, I bid all goodbye and traveled to Makai. Long ago had I accepted and began to become satisfied that I resided in a human body. The form held a fine grace, yet a dangerous and calm attitude with a single walk. It was a body I grew into and had become perfectly fine growing it older with me inside. However, time was not kind to it, as I had been.

Early into the senior year of private school, this body refused at times to follow orders. Sensing something was amiss; I took a few days off, reassuring Shiroi that I had a simple cold. It was here I experimented; it was always better safe than sorry. During this time, I had hoped you would emerge, to inquire about my new 'project', but you never did. Not even when it rained and thundered, did you show your ruby eyes.

As I discovered, this body had gained a most unusual visitor that was most unkind. A cancerous tumor resided in the spine, forcing movement to lag. If I wished to save this body, I had to travel to Makai for many of the herbs that could assist. So, this was what I planned to do.

After speaking to Yusuke, I explained that if you wanted to know this, he would come for me yourself. Yusuke pushed with al his might, but I stood sturdy. I gave you two weeks to appear in your unique style, while I packed and planned for my journey. As I feared, you did not show interest enough, if you heard anything at all. My day to leave had come; the portal to Makai waited for me.

Unfortunately, I had traveled to my old lands too late. The tumor grew so fast and became so tiring on the body that I had to retreat. Parting with it after all these years, it stung dreadfully. I learned to love my mother because of it. I learned how caring for friends could altar and change a person. I met you because of it.

Watching as it stopped breathing and its heartbeat stopped, my transparent form transformed into my spirit fox self, into Yoko Kurama once more. As I had settled to live as Suuichi Minamino for the rest of the body's life, I had not predicted the end would come so fast. Studying my hand, I understood that it was time to move on. However, Suuchi and I had merged so he was still a part of me; his feelings, his thoughts, and his love for others still flowed through my veins.

As this change settled in, I knew I had obligations to tell everyone about my situation. It would be difficult to walk into Ningenkai when appearing as I did, but the care I gained from my life before, encouraged me that the trip would be well worth it. With this in mind, I gathered seeds of dangerous and subtle species for usage later. I reclaimed my lands, defeated enemies still alive spreading rumors that the great Yoko Kurama had once again returned. It was satisfying that my name alone still carried a powerful threat for those who wanted to live.

I found my old den, redecorated it for present times and dangers, and began my planning for my short return to Ningenkai. It was not even three weeks after I arrived in Makai did I travel back to the world of my rebirth. I met with the crew once more to explain what had happened. They organized at Genkai's temple, surprised at my return and my demon appearance. I was not curious at all why you did not appear; after all you had not come before, why show up now? Of course, I told my mother and she cried, knowing that my visits would be sparse. I wanted so much to stay with her, ease those tears, and protect her from all harm. In my current situation, I knew this just wasn't an option. I was forced to leave her and this world behind.

Hiding in my den, I kept to myself, leaving only when health requirements needed to be met. I was slightly depressed as I left a world I loved so dearly behind. I knew you would say it was about time and encourage me to drop these emotions. You found them useless and pathetic. I explained my idea of love to you once, using clues that there was something there for you specifically. Of course, you never understood, instead insulting those who ever 'fell in love.' I admitted when you badgered me that I did indeed harbor feelings for someone. For some reason, probably only known to you, did you become interested and determined to find whoever it was so you could break his neck in two. Why so protective? Why care so much about this something that you would purposely involve yourself?

Two years had passed since that time. Lovers had come and gone. Thiefs and those following only lasted so long and of course, those who betrayed in some shape had been uttered destroyed by a Makai bloodsucker. Though these practices had been a favorite in my past, they bored me now, as it was my heart that demanded another activity; and I wasn't providing it that nourishment.

My visits to the Ningenkai became extremely rare when my mother died. Of course, I would assist when Yusuke called from his territory north of Yomi's border. I wasn't faithful to Yomi whatsoever and he knew this, so he ignored my presence when I would switch dens to evade enemies. Mukuro acted the same way, not wanting to irritate the legendary spirit fox. The humor in this was despite the demon tournament five years before, Mukuro and Yomi still led their lands like before, just not as threatening as before.

Time to a demon mattered so little. As sixty years passed without a hint, I settled into my newest den on the edge of Mukuro's past territory, bored as ever. I purposely pissed off several leaders of gangs and organizations to start trouble and entertainment for myself. One day, however, I sensed a familiar youki. It was much weaker than it used to be. This I had to investigate for myself.

I slipped past guard after guard, following the energy, until I caught a scent of the treasure I sought. Altering my spirit form and shielding my youki, I hid under a bed of sorts, listening and wondering. As I thought, you walked in, a dark air about you. You cursed a few times in western demon tongue and my eyes widened slightly in understanding the words you spoke. You had been desperately looking for me. Years ago, I would have been happy for your reactions, but now I could've cared less. Where were you when I needed your strength and support? Where were you when I wanted warmth? Where were you when I needed someone to love? As you said, emotions were pathetic. As I watch you destroy furniture and burn yourself with your own darkness flame, I notice that you too are pathetic.

Throughout the rumors constantly circulating the Makai, I managed to hear a particularly interesting one. You had been denounced as second-hand to Mukuro and were currently homeless. I continued on my way, most of me happy that you received the inevitable at long last. You were back to being a lower class demon. However, that little part of me which still carried those emotions, wished you'd bounce back and show that nothing had ever happened.

Curious due to my boredom, I followed you as you tried to survive and barely making it time after time. You had lost your past self in the rain of hell you were putting yourself through. One day, sixty years later I suppose, I awoke to find you missing from your newest home, a small clearing with a small cave facing it. You hadn't traveled far as your weak youki was easy to find. You found a small portal; how you created it was beyond me. I followed, transforming into my spirit form to watch silently.

You took up a daily chore of walking back and forth between my past home and the high school I used to attend. Sometimes you traveled it in the rain, sometimes in the snow. No matter the weather, you still walked that path, most of the time with your eyes closed. What were you thinking as you walked? Was it how you destroyed everything to you because of your pathetic emotions?

I noticed my elderly stepfather's flower shop the instant I followed you here, whereas you saw it weeks after your arrival. You wandered in one day, aimless and tired. My stepfather gave you something that you held close as you left. Curious to what this item was, I followed. Finally, you stopped at the small park down my old street and struggled to climb a tree that would have been a mere step for your past self. What have you do to yourself?

You settled onto a tree branch and…cried. I gasped and my eyes widened considerably. I couldn't believe my eyes. You were broken, the world having destroyed your soul. Was I this important to you? You waited sixty years to finally do this? I was confused, my mind trying to place your old self and this new self together. They didn't match at all; in fact they opposed one another incredibly, so much it symbolized comparing an adult to a child, a child close to death.

My patience had worn thin. You were not this way. I may have lost my respect and love for you, but my heart still ached at seeing you this way. It had to stop.

On a branch almost even with your branch, I seated myself, letting my physical form take shape. You didn't notice me, nor did you stop crying your black tear gems. The rose you held silently broke under all the pressure you pressed onto. With the grip you held that rose with, it was if that rose was your lifeline to survival. I watched you, my eyes growing soft. I knew right now, that I wanted you back both in love and in body. There was no fighting it now.

I said, "What have you done?"

Suddenly, your dead ruby eyes dart about and your grip becomes fierce on that poor rose. After a while, you spot me, slightly glaring softening with each passing second. You gasp, swallowing as if your eyes deceived you. I look towards the setting sun, replying to my question, "The demon I used to know would have never fallen victim to his emotions this strongly. He would have taken control, either by destroying them or pursuing them."

I glared again, finding that those eyes were still blank in disbelief. I continued, eying you the whole while, "You are a mere shadow of the strong demon I fought beside. His soul, mind, and strength were what made him indestructible. You…are not him. Him – I admired. You just disgust me."

What that said, I jumped down into the park and transformed into a cold spirit. I flew fast, diving into the portal as if it were a lake full of water. The dimensional space closed behind me, ending any connection I had with you. I traveled back to the current den, proud bursting through me as I finally destroyed you, as you destroyed me. I would have wonderful dreams that night. However, they were only plagued by your pained expressions, your past self healing me with your youki, and deep rubies holding my heartbeat to increase. I awoke in a sweat, my tail caught under my left foot in pain. I released and petted it as if it were a child who meant the world to me.

The following years repeated like this; boredom during the day despite who I angered, and nights plagued by you. Was this how painful eternity could be? My energy to do anything quickly vanished. What was my purpose now? I had done everything I desired. My life, through experienced and so full of memories, just didn't seem complete. My heart ached, still greatly needing the nourishment I denied it all these years.

One of those days I had been entertaining myself with dancing flora, I felt a strong youki miles from my den. It alarmed me as this energy was great, threatening even to my power over the lands. It felt as though this energy was equal to mine. It was familiar, yet so foreign. I became curious and left the safety of my den to the dangerous forests around me.

Wandering for what seemed like days, I came upon the Fool's Forest. Those who resided there would be no obstacle to me, but that energy originated from it. Before I could even move my foot to begin my path there, the youki source ceased and out of the forest walked…you.

Incredible. Years ago, you were a merely a suffering lower D-class demon, with no purpose other than to breathe and hold a rose until it died. Yet now, you were him, but even stronger than before. Your hair, more wild than ever, and eyes, determined and burning, locked me into a trace. Closer and closer you walked until the air about me heated with a powerful, yet subtle warmth. You leaned forward as if to kiss me, but instead punched me to the ground in a daze.

I leaned upwards from the grassy ground I fell into. I stared back at you, your expression the same as it was from back then. You said, "So…I disgust you? Well, look at yourself! Deprived sleep claims your eyes and your muscles sag with lack of use. I think that between us, you are the pathetic one."

I stood immediately, to threaten, "I am not pathetic! I did not destroy myself due to broken dreams!"

You stared, red eyes widening, before you angrily shouted back, "My broken dreams were none of your business but yet you still involved yourself!"

I replied, just as angrily, "Oh? Then am I mistaken when you nearly killed several of classmates due to me possessing a sort of crush on someone unknown to you?"

Your face turned a slight red, and your bottom lip stiffened. I just kept going, "What of it? Why would you care so damn much to involve yourself in my love life? Speak up!"

You turned your face away, upset and was that embarrassment I saw crossing your cheeks in a reddish pattern? You breathed in and out before raising your beautiful eyes to meet mine. The air around us burned with intensity as if it knew what was about to happen. You shouted, "You want to know why, fox? It's because I love you! I haven't been able to forgive myself for not following you when you left. Everyone forgot about you, but I waited. I believed you'd come back and you never did. It took me all this time to fully understand why I do the things I do for you! I want to protect and care for you. I want to understand and help you. I want to become strong again so I didn't disgust you anymore. I want to be my old self so you'd love me again."

By the end of your painful and revealing speech, your voice decreased in volume and gained emotions the further it sank. I was breathless when you finished as if I was the one shouting. It was as if my nightmares were becoming dreams. My heart swelled, not with pain, but joy and warmth as it finally received its nourishment at long last. I swallowed and replied as my resentment came flowing back into my system angrily, "It doesn't matter anymore. The past is the past and in the present, you don't exist to me." I began walking away from you, your rubies burning through my eyes painfully.

You calmed down, air around us cooling to represent cool spring air again. You spoke with a bit of anger in your voice, "Do you love me?"

I paused, eyes widening. My back stiffened, with my body following suit. I said nothing, trying to get my breath under control from thoughts and actions I remembered at the mere sentence you spoke.

"I take your reaction as a pre-warning you're going to call me a pathetic fool again." You said with an air of confidence.

I turned to glare as you shouldn't be confident but rather in pain, whereas you just smirked that smirk that used to make me chuckle. You said, "To be quite honest, you were right."

Why that little- Wait, I was right? I was clear my surprise stood out vibrantly on my face as I fell to my knees. You nodded, your smirk disappearing with a sad smile settled in its place. You then said, "I was pathetic in not seeing my mistake earlier. I was pathetic for running away and hurting you. I wish to apologize for everything I've done to you."

By this time, you had slowly walked towards me, gentle warmth settling onto my skin with a comfort only a lover could supply. You soon reached my personal ring, breaching it with ease. My anger had long since run away, my heart claiming my thoughts and actions. You leaned in so that our faces were mere inches apart, as you placed your folded pointer finger under my chin to lift it up. You said softly, "May I kiss you?"

I didn't answer, just stared at you with quickly growing warm golden eyes. You leaned forward again, capturing my lips in a soft, yet meaningful kiss. It didn't feel like a first time; it was as this was a normal occurrence for us, as if we did this everyday. There was no tongue, just warmth and encouraging heat. I leaned into it as finally feeling you there had encouraged my life to re-emerge as a kit, ready for an adventure.

This…was what I had been waiting for throughout all these many years.

You backed up, only a little and smiled. I gasped, but had enough logical sense in me to say, "This doesn't mean that you are forgiven."

"How long will it take?" You asked.

I couldn't but smile, "It will take a long time."

You nodded and smiled as well, as though it was foreign to your face, but yet you'd do it for me, "I would wait an eternity for you."

I chuckled, "Eternity's a long time."

You whispered, "Exactly."

We both leaned into each other's embrace this time, the kiss filled with passion and need. I felt my heart swell and increase is beating. I remembered this feeling and I was glad to have it back. It was as if Suuichi had not died because his love for Hiei had blossomed inside me again.

Make sure you tell those close to you that you love them.

You never know when they will leave you.

Date: January 30, 2011

Time: 10:31pm