This movie has literally become a problem for me.
All rights go to the magnificently talented writers of Stranger Tides and to Disney. Any and all Arrested Development references could not be avoided by the authoress. Sorry.
*Cue dramatic and dark music*
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES
Get rich, or die trying…
I mean live forever, or die trying…
A small merchant ship gently rocked back and forth almost being hidden by the dark night sea.
*Audience* Man, the Black Pearl sure isn't what is used to be.
The crew, made up of two men, cranked a net out of the ink-like water.
The net then fell to the deck where out fell a stingray, manatee, and a star fish-
"I want to be with you FOREVER!" exclaimed the exuberant sea star before the man chucked it back into the gloomy waters.
And then, oh then, the dramatic reveal is … relieved. The net didn't only include talking sea creatures but a man.
A man old as shite.
"Hey, there's a freaking dead guy in here!" exclaimed the alarmed sea man, who is apparently a resident of the New Jersey area.
"Not likely," says the other man, the Captain, then at his mate's side as they both stared over the motionless old man. "That guy's not dead."
The first mate frowned, "Uhh, I think he is. There's no way you could survive this… look," he then kneeled next to the sea weathered body, "don't tell me that even the bravest, most sea faring soul, could read this… and not jump ship himself."
The sailor moved the unconscious man's bead out of the way to present a book he was clutching. The Captain, though a willing and fearless sea man, turned his face away to hide his grimace of pure terror. The title of the book; Breaking Dawn.
"My Gods!" cried the Captain, "That book doesn't exist for about another two-hundred-and-fifty years!"
The seaman stood up somberly, "I know Captain. These be… stranger tides."
*Cue more dramatic music*
The Captain looked to his mate oddly then, "Sailor, you just said the title of the movie… don't you think that a bit hasty?"
The man crossed his arms, frowned, and shook his head, "Naww, mate. Y'see, there's no mention of the title in this whole movie. At least with the three others there was a hint of a reference to the film." The man made a small laugh accompanied with a shrug, "Think I just saved the audience a lot of confusion!"
*Audience* Think again.
"What?" asked the Captain, "This can't be any more confusing than Dead Man's Chest or At World's End!"
"That's the thing, mate. People won't stop their bitching about how hard those sequels were to follow. My own grandmother understood those movies… she's ninety-five… hasn't left her house in eighty years… I had to explain to her what a TV was first."
"Son, you aren't making a lick of sense tonight."
*Cue MORE eerie dramatic music*
The two men look over their shoulders, wondering why so much dramatic music is being played.
"Sorry," the first mate finally said after a long silence of starring at the man, "I've… indulged a bit before this."
"Mate, I thought you understood me the first time. None of that when you're on the job. This is a small ship! We don't make much business as it is!"
"Sorry sir, it was only a couple of lines…"
*Music that is DRAMATIC*
"Will you stop with that god damned- wait!" exclaimed he Captain grabbing his mate's arm and looking down to the old man, "I saw the body… shift."
Just then, the thought-to-be-corpse lunged toward the men who proceed to scream like small girls.
*Audience* throws pop corn into the air, jumps out of seat, and continues to make sure everyone else thought they just had an itch… or small seizure… or… something.
The story continues, after lingering far too long on a couple of minute characters, we are introduced to the royal city of Cadiz found in Spain.
¡SÍ, Cadiz!
*Cue Mexican hat dancing music*
Cadiz, where the sun is hot, but the women are hotter. Where the people hate magical waters. Where the men look like rejects from the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.
The old man is brought to this particular city to tell his wondrous story to the King. A story filled with enchantment and adventure. Unfortunately, after the fragile old man who spent, eh, probably 500 years floating around in the sea, was dragged through the near by village and into the grand palace; he wasn't doing so hot.
As the King leaned in closely to the elderly man, all he had energy to whisper is; "Ponce de Leon." That was when he unfortunately croaked.
The King frowned deeply before straightening his back. He, with his serious expression looked to the other mustached men who gathered there in the center of the palace.
"What did he say about… my pants?" asked the King, his angered voice carrying through the large room.
The men proceeded to exchange nervous glances.
"You bring me this old fool to criticize me? Here I was expecting someone to share in my love of old westerns, but noooo! All I get is a dead hombre, thanks a lot assholes!"
Finally, one man proved brave enough to stand up to the King, "Um, Sir, I think he said Ponce de Leon. The rumored explorer who was rumored to have rumordley found the also rumored Fountain of Youth."
The King frowned once again, but this time, it was a pensive and thoughtful frown. Apparently, it was the only expression he could be bothered to make.
"Ahhh. Now it all makes sense," he says with a nod as he began pace around the now certainly dead man.
"It… does?" asked another mustached Spanish man.
"SÍ, look what we have here."
The King removed the book from the dead man's grip. The men revolted in disgust.
"El Diablo's pleasure…" hissed one man darkly.
"It should burn," cried another while the rest only cried.
There was only one mysterious man in the room who went unaffected by the cursed book. The most Spanishy man in the room. So Spanishy in fact, he went only by one name; The Spaniard.
This man grabbed the cursed, yet, somehow top selling book, from the King's grasp.
"This man was not questioning your pantalones! He was sent here from Dios! The Fountain is real!" The Spaniard proclaimed.
He then opened to the back of the book where a cryptic symbol could be seen. The picture depicted a stick figure man holding two cups next to a crudely drawn nude mermaid, and… most baffling of all… he was exclaiming the phrase, "Imma b livn 4evar!"
The Spaniard, after viewing this, snapped the book closed and stated that he and a crew will sail… with the tide.
*The Mexican hat dancing music now ends*
Moving on!
*Audience* is relieved.
Jolly old London, England where nobody seems too keen on Pirates. Also, it appears that Londoners only hobby, at this time in history, is to watch criminals being hanged.
And how disappointed they get when there is no violent acts to keep their attention!
This is obvious when we enter a crowded, rowdy, courtroom, where a hooded man is being hauled into room to be held on trial for… piracy.
After his crimes (numerous in quantity, sinister in nature) have been read aloud to the courtroom, the man is accused to be none other than Jack Sparrow.
*Sarcastic!Audience* Woah. You got us POTC writers. That is soooo Jack Sparrow.
"Gibbs!" proclaims the now unmasked Mr. Gibbs. "I told ye a hundred times, the name's Joshamee Gibbs!"
The accusing man only laughs, "Ha! What sort of name is Joshamee? Besides, we can't actually trust the people locked up here. Do you know what would happen of we believed the lies these men tell us?"
"But this isn't a lie! I've been wrongly accused!"
"Hush hush!" snapped the man, "Enough of your horse manure. Send in the one man we can all trust, Judge Smith!"
The room stands for the… oddly eyeliner clad… Judge.
The Judge takes his seat, Gibbs can't help but stare baffled at the man before him.
"Jack?" questions Gibbs.
*Audience* well no shit.
"Shut up!" whispered the supposed Judge Smith before going on with what he was supposed to say. All the while he was careful to hide his face with a handkerchief.
"Being that you are Captain Jack Sparrow, one of the most feared, respected, and just plain sexy pirates of today, I think it only fit that you hang by the neck!" proclaimed the judge to get cheers from the courtroom and a cry from Gibbs.
"I'm not Jack Sparrow!" he yelled to the room, "But I would be happy to point him out… douche bag," he was careful to mumble that last part.
The Judge leaned forward then, "No you won't! I'm the Judge! Judge Smith... or Smithy, if you'd like. Mr. Smith if you're nasty-"
"On with it!" shouted a man from the room, getting about ten others to quickly agree.
The Judge shook his head, clearing his thoughts, "Though… I really shouldn't sentence you to death."
Gibbs sighed a breathe of relief, "There you go. Finally some sense!"
"Buuut it would make such a good story. Think about how it would look on paper, Captain Jack Sparrow Rises From the Grave! Captain Jack Sparrow: The New Jesus Christ!"
Gibbs glared to the judge, "Have you ever even read the Bible?"
"No but I've seen that musical. Lloyd Webber is a genious!"
Gibbs frowned as Jack began to rehearse the chorus to Jesus Christ Superstar. The others were too confused to think up a statement.
"I hate you!" Gibbs said interfered, "We are no longer friends. I'll never share in our 'give nothing back' phrase ever again."
"Well good because I've already forgotten it!" Jack cleverly retorted.
Then, they were interrupted by an impatient towns man, "So what is it then? Will he hang or no?"
"Yeah!" added another civilian, "On with it all ready!"
The Judge glanced back to Gibbs before he seemed to way his options. Then, almost without showing the slightest care, he made his decision.
"Fine. One life in prison for Jack Sparrow!"
He then quickly made his leave from the vegetable chucking crowd.
As the "Judge" walks down the hall, he begins to shed his wig, glasses, and rob proving that he is… Captain Jack Sparrow after all.
After thanking the true Judge, who was all tired up in the closet for the trail, Jack made his way outside.
*Audience* do you think Jack had a bit of fun with him while he was tied up? …Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me…
There outside waited a line of ne'er-do-well pirates, one by one they were being shuffled into a carriage. Jack stepped into line just in time to be thrown into a cart with the man whom he had almost sentenced to death. Shiz was about to get awk.
After the doors were slammed shut and the carriage jolted forward, Jack couldn't help but remark upon the death glares his once best mate was giving him.
"What? I just saved your arse back there!"
Gibbs still kept his poker face, "You almost killed me! After all this time. Sequel after sequel of me being there just when you needed it! What do I get?"
Jack frowned, "When were you ever there for me? Actually come to think of it, when did you ever add to the plot of any movie?"
Gibbs thought for a long moment, "Oh, I got it, Curse of the Black Pearl, I was the one who put together that crew in Tortuga! And I'm always there to explain to everyone what the bloody hell is going."
"Alright , alright," said Jack waving a hand, "I guess you're sort of helpful. But back to what's happening now. I've bribed the driver to take us to shore. We'll of course have to change our names, start all over again. I'll be Nate Berkus, you'll go simply by; Sideburns. Answer to nothing else. Now… what say you about… male prostitution?"
"JACK!" cried a horrified Gibbs, "What are you talking about?"
"Look it's a lucrative business, and there's no shame in putting out for some coin, aye?"
"YES! I thought- I heard rumor that you'd be looking for a crew tonight. A crew to find the Fountain of Youth! Isn't that your plan?" asked Gibbs making it clear how uncomfortable Jack's idea made him.
"What a viciously false rumor!"
"You mean… you don't plan on going after the Fountain?"
"I just told you my plan, Sideburns!"
"Don't call me that! I'm not following that plan. Wouldn't it be a bit more exciting going after immortality? You know, keep the theme of the previous three films going?"
Jack was quiet for a moment, "Gibbs, seeing that I do need a ship, and that this imposter could be ruining me good name. Who knows, the lying sod could have the clap. Don't want some fine lady refusing to bed me just because some other fool decided to infect half of Britain."
"Jack, if people thinking you've got Chlamydia is what you're so worried about... Well it's far too late for that."
Just then, the doors of the carriage opened to reveal they were not at the shore, but the Royal Palace.
Jack jumped out of the carriage and sauntered straight into trouble. As he looked around, he saw that had been surrounded by armed British guards. At the Royal Palce.
*Audience* Facepalms.
Jack was racking his brain, trying to think up one of his grand escapes that only he could pull off…
Uh, sorry that's the next scene.
Jack is hit over the head with a rifle and dragged away into the awaiting palace.
*Next Scene*
Inside a grand room within the palace, Jack is seated before a large table filled with deliciousness that he can only stare at from his chair where his arms and legs are bound in chains.
He glanced around the room, conspicuously forming a detailed (and highly unrealistic) plot in his head.
*Authoress* Hey! He does plan it all out! Or perhaps only sometimes when desserts are added into the equation…
Rocking his chair forward, he inched closer to the table. When he finally got close enough though, he found that the King and a few of his men were on their way into the room.
In what is seen as a major epic fail to the audience, Jack kicks the table sending a cream pastry into the air. The pasty is then impaled onto an extravagant chandelier.
*Cream Pastry* Yipeeee! I'm foreshadowing in a way! But don't get your hopes up. I may be the only poetic literature devise in the movie. *Sad Cream Pastry*
Anyways. Jack is introduced to the King, whom he apparently has never heard of.
"Sorry, that name isn't ringing any bells… but you do look so very familiar. Have I threatened you before?"
*Audience* CALL BACK CALL BACK CALL BACK! EVERYONE SAID THERE WEREN'T ANY CALL BACKS, THERE'S A CALL BACK!
"He is King George, for heaven's sake!" cried a small man that stood beside where the King sat.
Jack didn't seem settled with this answer, "No no no… that's not it. Shit! This is really going to bother me!"
"Well that is too bad," began the same elderly man, "let us move onto the task at hand. Captain Sparrow, we have come to learn that you are in possession of-"
"Vernun Dudley!" exclaimed Jack pointing to the king, "That's it! Vernon, what the hell are you doing here?"
The King and his men went on looking rather un-amused.
"Come on now mate," Jack went on, "You've got to let me out of these shackles. It's my dream to at least act out the scene where Harry's at the zoo…"
"Fine!" yelled the King, "Just as long as it gets him to shut the f-ck up."
Against their better judgment, the guards behind Jack unlocked his chains. They fell with numerous loud clinks to the ground.
Jack proceeded to quote Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in his best young Harry impression that sounded dreadfully off.
"I swear I don't know. One minute the glass was there and then it was gone. It was like magic!"
'Vernon' the King glared to Jack before unemotionally uttering, "There's no such thing as magic."
"Oi, that was really good!" said Jack while helping himself to some of the sweets on the table, "Danielle isn't around is he?"
"Mister Sparrow!" began the King's assistant having no more patience left for the pirate.
"Captain," corrected Jack quickly.
"Captain or whatever," barked the King, "I am informed you have come to London to procure a crew for your ship."
Jack shook his head, "That's not true. Actually I-"
"We don't care!" interrupted the King, "You're to guide a British expedition to the Fountain of Youth, and that is FINAL! Bring in the plot twist!"
And in walked Hector Barbossa; the once feared pirate, now one-legged privateer for the crown and glory of England.
Jack backed away a bit, but didn't let his slightly frightened emotion show in his face, "Hector! You look… pretty crappy."
"Why thankee Jack, I be trying the new I just died this morning look… and a whole lot of other things made completely inaudible by me salty, piratey, yarr yarr, accent."
"Do tell old mate, how's the Pearl?"
"She's at the bottom of the ocean, bitch!"
Jack, in a wild fit of rage, lunges at Barbossa throwing himself over the table. Quickly, the pirate is pulled back.
*Fan girls* Jack's so passionate!
"You bastard! If it were a proper sinking, you'd be down there with her. Didn't you see Titanic?"
Jack, obviously hurt, continues to listen to the others going on about the Fountain.
"… do you understand Captain Jack Sparrow?" asks the King's assistant.
Jack looked up to the others, "I understand everything, except why your guards are so weak."
He proceeded to slap the two guards, and they proceeded to become so bewildered by it, that they let him escape from their grasp.
*Cue PIRATES theme music!*
*Audience* oooh, we know what this means! Epic action sequence!