The Snow globe
It was a beautiful day. Jack Sparrow, sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow slipped out of sleep and realized that he was no longer stranded on an island with Elizabeth. Oddly enough, he woke up and found himself inside a snow globe.
" Hey, I can breath under water!", he exclaimed.
"That's because you're an immortal." replied a voice whose owner was out of sight at that moment.
Then, out of the shadows stepped a maniacal, menacing, malicious, monstrous, malevolent, fanatic ( damnit, the 'm' pattern is broken) person named Anna.
" I've got you now...So, what are you going to do about it, eh? Call for elf-boy? Well, he can't help you now since he's captured by Barbosa."
Anna continued to babble about all the stuff she had fanatically hoarded on Jack Sparrow. Sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow. The real Sparrow was sitting next to a cheerful frosty the snow globe man waiting for Anna to finish.
"So why am I in a snow globe? And why am I two inches tall? Why am I here?", asked Sparrow.
The reaction was instant. Suddenly, it dawned upon Anna that she was in the same room as the sexy Captain of all her romantic fantasies. She poked herself to make sure she wasn't dead. Then she checked her pulse. Just to make sure, she grabbed one of those machines that go 'ping' that she 'borrowed' from the local hospital just in case she would ever meet Sparrow and would need proof of her spiritual and physical conditions. Thus, the sound 'ping' 'ping' 'ping' brought her into a state of ecstacy.
I will now resume. Poor Sparrow was getting bored and he kept slipping on all those artificial snowflakes. They had the most annoying knack of getting into his boots and into his bandana which was very annoying. All the while, Anna was trying to steady her breathing.
" OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Oh, my god what?"
" YOU'RE CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!!!"
"No, ya think?"
" I must go show Sasha!!!"
And so, she grabbed the snow globe containing Jack Sparrow, sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow, and ran as fast as she could to Sasha's house.
But Sasha was preoccupied with someone else.
" Hey, get me out of this bottle! How did they managed to get those little ships in the bottles anyway?"
"Oh, don't worry Willy Billy, sweety. See, now you have your own little ship and we can forget all about Elizabeth." , Sasha was addressing none other that William Turner.
***********
Meanwhile, Elizabeth was inside a Coca- Cola vending machine.
"Help!". A muffled sound is heard followed by the sound of clinking change.
" Golly, this isn't a Cherry Coke!"
************
Back at Sasha's house, Anna was busy staring at Sparrow. Sparrow was busy staring incredulously at Turner. Sasha was staring at Turner and the snow globe man was staring blankly at no one because he was inanimate.
Suddenly, Anna's cry broke the silence.
" I must break the glass!", she cried.
"Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, I would like to get out of this..um...globe thing, I am getting a bit thirsty...", said Sparrow.
" Why don't you drink the water from inside the globe?" asked Sasha while trying to uncork Will Turner, er.., the bottle.
"Are you mad?! Drink water?! It's poisonous! I need rum, you fool!"
*************
And so, Anna scavenged around Sasha's kitchen until she found a nice, big hammer.
CRACK!
Jackty Sparrow sat in a snow globe. Jackty Sparrow had a great fall. All Anna's efforts and all Sasha's patience couldn't put Jackty together again. APRIL FOOLS!
Yes, he was fine, sort of. But it really hurt.
However, it was nothing compared to the pain Anna had in her heart when she found out the glass wouldn't break. Yes, the snow globe was Anna- proof.
GASP!", they all gasped.
Um, you can't hear me, I'm the narrator.
" Oh, all right" , they all replied in unison.
No, you don't seem to be getting it. Well, anyway... As soon as Jack Sparrow stopped bouncing off the sides of the snow globe and Anna stopped crying Sasha gasped and her eyes widened.
" I just realized something. This is just like The Lord of the Rings!" she said.
" And how is that?", Anna replied testily.
" But you saw the movie at the Commons with me. You should know."
" I was sleeping through the whole thing."
" Well, it can't be destroyed unless you throw it into Mount Doom!"
" Woah, woah, wait. Are you saying you're going to sacrifice me to some volcano?" Sparrow asked suspiciously.
" Of course not, my dear." Anna gave Sasha a dirty look..
" No, no, no. That's not what I mean. What I mean is that we need to take him to where he was made."
" What?!" yelled both Jack and Will in unison.
"Not Mother Sparrow!" It was only Jack who said this.
" Yea, you're right. We'll have to come up with a better idea."
" Why don't we go ask Alex?" suggested Anna.
"Isn't that a book?" asked Sasha.
"No, that's Go Ask Alice. Now, lets go to her house."
***********
And so they set out to Alex's house, which was pretty far away. They rang the doorbell and after about ten minutes with no answer they threw a rock at the window and threatened to break down the door.
"Sorry, my doorbell is broken. Come in."
As they were walking in, Alex noticed the snow globe and grabbed it from Anna.
" Oh, a snow globe! Hey, Anna, why is there a Santa Claus inside? You liar, you said you were Jewish!"
" Er, I am. That's not Santa Claus, that's Captain Jack Sparrow!" said Anna with a smug look on her face.
"Er...what?"
"That is Captain Jack Sparrow."
"Er..what?"
"That is Captain Jack Sparrow." By now, Anna was looking so smarmy she looked as if she would need plastic surgery to get rid of the huge smirk on her face.
"B-but he's a fictional character. And even then, how did you get him so small? Holy god, you've gotten Will Turner, too! But from where?!"
" Uh.... internet?" said both Sasha and Anna.
After Alex got over her shock and interviewed both pirates intensely (and under a bright light too!) she finally got to the question that both Sash and Anna had been anticipating.
" So, what do you want me to do about them?"
"GET THEM OUT OF THE FREAKIN CONTAINERS"
" Ooh, language!"
" Wow, Will Turner actually said something", Alex pointed out " he hardly has any lines, anyway."
" 'S not my fault" he sniffed. "Damn narrator."
Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah! Back to the topic.
"Well,... I suggest you take them and put them in Mr. R's classroom. It's the closest you can get to Mount Doom, I think."
[Note: Mr. R is an evil, maniacal history teacher of very short stature who I have the displeasure of having to know him. I think he was Napolean in a past life.]
And so, they all agreed. Well, Anna, Sash, and Alex agreed. Poor Will and Jack didn't have a say. At 12 pm that day, they set out to their high school. When they reached the classroom, which was conveniently empty they set the two containers down and waited for the miracle.
A few hours later, all eyes were set angrily upon Alex.
"Er...how 'bout we try a chainsaw?" Alex suggested nervously.
After briefly searching through Mr. R's desk drawers they found a nice, big chainsaw.
Phht! Phht! Zzzzzzz! Crack!
"Ok, that doesn't work either."
"Try it on Turner."
Zzzzzzzz!
"EEEK!"
"Alright, calm down Will. You're such a baby." yelled Anna.
" Hey, excuse me. I'd like to have a say." said Captain Jack Sparrow while trying to see through the miniature snow blizzard. "I'd like to know what you're going to do with me after you get me out."
" You mean if." suggested Will Turner.
Shut up, says the narrator. That's for me to decide.
" Well, anyway," continued Sparrow, completely unperturbed by the disembodied voice, " If you get me and that stick over there out of our prisons we'll...um...take you with us onto the Black Pearl. Savvy?"
" Um...may I point out that the Black Pearl is currently owned by Barbosa?" suggested Will Turner.
"No, now quit messing things up. You have to wait until the opportune moment ."
"When is that?" asked Will eagerly.
"Shut up, I'm trying to figure that out."
And so, having nothing better to do they all sat around Mr. R's classroom waiting for the opportune moment, whatever that was. Alex was busy looking through Mr. R's drawers looking for ideas. But all she found were a few extra yellow ties, a bag of Competition O's, a muffin, and some dangerous looking instruments that were covered in what Sasha determined was not dried ketchup.
It was, in fact, tomato juice. You know, those two look and taste so similar. God, that man is violent.
" This isn't working"
"You're right. Let's go home."
"Hold on a sec! I need to get out of this bottle! Elizabeth needs me" said Will Turner, of course.
" Elizabeth needs me. Nyah Nyah..." mumbled Sasha in a mock Will Turner voice.
" She's fine. She's just sitting in a vending machine inside the middle school right now." said Anna.
"What?!"
" Well, when I got you two here, there were a few complications."
" How'd you get us here, lovie?" asked Sparrow.
Anna looked meaningfully up at the sky. " I wished upon a star."
" OK. This is getting rather cheesy. Get me out of here."
Just at that moment, they all jumped at the sound of Thump, Sloosh, Fizzle, Thump! coming from outside the classroom. Anna, being the most curious of the three at the moment, walked over, opened the door and looked around. No one. And then she looked down.
" Hey, it's a Coke can."
"Mphrrrrrrrrergle...", said the can.
" It must be a present!" cried Anna.
And so she drank the Coke can.
" Ew, there's something in the can."
"Ooh, what is it?", asked Sparrow.
"I dunno", said Anna as she quickly flung whatever it was in the can out the window without even looking at it. "Elizabeth!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
"Get over it." was all they could say.
***********
Meanwhile, in the magical land of fiction, Barbosa was trying to figure out what the heck had happened to Will Turner. The only person who saw him disappear was Cotton, but he didn't have much to say about it. Having nothing else to do, he paced around his cabin on the Black Pearl and wondered-
"Shiver me timbers, where could he have disappeared?"
He was just about to sit down and admire a basket of apples since he couldn't eat them when-
Psst! You there!
Barbosa looked around the room trying to find the source of the noise. In vain.
Psst!
"Who's there?!"
The narrator, you dummy.
"Wha...who?...Wow, I've had a bit too much to drink."
Uh..huh... now listen, Will Turner, Elizabeth, and Captain Jack Sparrow have been transported to Nutley, NJ.
"That's in the New World, isn't it? But then how do I g-"
Just tap your heels together three times and say 'I'm not sexy like Captain Jack Sparrow. In fact, I'm so ugly that when I was born the doctor took one look at me and slapped my mother'.
"In hell I'm saying that." A long pause. "Is that all I have to say?"
No, you also have to say this: 'In conclusion, I'm an ugly old man that's played by an actor no one's heard of.'
"I cannot believe I'm doing this."
Heh heh, I can.
************
By now, the Fellowship, ahem,.....group had migrated from Mr. R's classroom to the Middle School in Mr. Baumman's classroom. The reason for this move was that the history teacher from hell had come to pick up his coat that he had left on his desk chair.
To make matters worse, just as he was walking in Sash was rattling on about how frightening he is-
"I think that he's so evil because he's insecure about his height, what do you think, Alex?"
"Haha, what a loser!", exclaimed Alex. She then saw Mr. R's looming, but still very short figure out of the corner of her eye and decided to backpedal. "...but...uh...he's not that tall compared to...um...a hobbit...I mean, well...er...no." Alex trailed off pointlessly and finally settled to staring at her shoes.
"Hello, kids."
"H-hi?" said a frightened Sasha. Anna was too busy watching Sparrow to care. "Um...Are you-" said Sasha trying to make a stab at conversation but was interrupted.
A long pause dragged on until it seemed no one could bear it. Rosati put on a menacing smile.
"Oh, look at the time! We've got to go now. Goodbye!" said Alex in a nervous, squeaky voice. She grabbed Anna and Sasha by the arm and they walked out as fast as they could. They actually had almost forgotten Will Turner, who was crying, the poor thing.
And so that brings us now to Mr. B's classroom where, while Anna, Alex, and Sasha were talking, Jack Sparrow and Will Turner were conspiring. [Note: Mr. B is my senile old science teacher]
"Ok, recite to me escape Plan A."
" Um...Parley?"
"NO!"
"B-But it always works back home.."
"Well, not this time. This time, you're gonna have to chew away the cork with your teeth. Then you need to knock this snow globe thing sideways and unscrew the latch. Savvy?
"What's Plan B?"
"Plan B is to wait for the opportune moment."
"Oh." We're screwed, he thought.
**************
At that very moment, Barbosa regained consciousness....and found himself inside a Campbell's soup can. Luckily it was open, so all he had to do was give the sides a push until it toppled over. It must have been some sort of celestial error, him being in a soup can, he thought.
He immediately marched to Mr. Baumann's classroom. He had conveniently apparated into the teacher's lounge. He had a bit of trouble getting out and a few teachers screamed at the sight of him and ran out. Barbosa felt sad and lonely. Was he really that ugly?
And so he hobbled over to Mr. B's classroom and tried to open the door. Well, being between 1 and 2 inches, he obviously couldn't do it so he just stood by the door thinking 'Arrrrrr, this sucks.'
*******************
Inside Mr. B's classroom Anna was trying to hang herself with a pair of safety goggles, so great was her sadness.
Sasha was reading a textbook and Alex was wondering if the lab tables were really fireproof.
Meanwhile....
"Ewww, this cork tastes really bad."
"Shut up and keep working or I'll send you to Davy Jones's locker. Or worse, Sasha's locker. It's right across the street."
"Ok, I'm going." he sobbed. He really missed Elizabeth. And now he was stuck listening to this slave-driver of a pirate who was probably seriously deranged. He turned to look at Jack swaying like a drunkard and tossing random threats at the unfortunate snow globe man next to him.. No, scratch that, -he was definitely seriously deranged. Sigh.
At that very moment, Barbosa crawled in from under the door. He got stuck for a while and had to suck in his stomach to wriggle through.
"Arrrrr....I'm looking for Will Turner and Jack Sparrow."
"Captain Jack Sparrow!" yelled Sparrow indignantly.
"I'm not saying anything until you tell me where you got those pants." said Anna. " Well, it's kinda embarrassing....I got them at the Gap, 1797."
Suddenly, Will Turner realized Barbosa was in the room and promptly spit out the bits of cork in his mouth, screamed, and fainted.
"Lovely singing voice, as I said..." Jack Sparrow turned to face Barbosa again and looked him in the eye. "Now, let's make a deal. You figure out a way to get me out of this globe-thing and I will steal your ship."
Barbosa let out a huge laugh. " Why on earth would I do that?"
"Because I'm Captain Jack Sparrow." Sparrow vainly flipped his hair while saying this and even Anna stopped and put down the safety goggles.
"You know, he does have a point." said Sasha.
"This is stupid." Alex said to no one in particular.
" I know", said Will.
"Hey, I heard that!!!!!! I challenge you to a sword fight. Never make a pirate angry, especially not one like me." said none other than Sparrow.
" Alright then, you puffed up peacock, or rather, you puffed up Sparrow!" She grabs the snow globe and starts shaking it violently.
"Aaaaaaaaaarghhhh!!!!....."
CRASH!!!
Sparrow went flying into Barbosa, knocking him off his feet. Freedom! Anna instantaneously reacted put a bell jar over our unfortunate pirate. Freedom lasted for 2.666382494504604369 seconds. Anna was rabid. Alex rolled her eyes. Sasha eyed Turner. Turner glanced at the now headless snow globe man. The snow globe man did nothing because he was still inanimate.
"I guess the globe was only Anna-proof." noted Alex as she went over and let out Will Turner from hid prison.
Barbosa dusted himself off and was about to say something but no one heard him. It may have been that no one bother to give him any attention or it might have had to do with the fact that he was flattened under a petri dish artfully thrown by Sasha.
Turner was promptly set under another bell jar and the conversation immediately turned to how to return the shrimpy duo to their normal piratey heights.
Meanwhile....
Psst, says the narrator.
"Eh...? Is it just the fumes emitting from above the Bunsen burner or am I really hearing you again?"
It doesn't matter. Listen, I have a plan of escape for you, Mr. Maybe- it's-Maybeline, and that crying wimp over there.
"Why are you helping me?"
Hmph,...weeeeeelll, I need a plot.
*********************
As Anna, Alex, and Sasha were discussing the pros and cons of using Inquisition-style instruments on the two pirates to stretch them to at least 3' 4", there was a flushing sound heard. They all turned to see the broken glass of bell jars next to an emergency eye washing facility.
" Wow, I think that's the first time that thing has been used." was going to stay but was stopped by very, very angry stares. Unfortunately, she didn't take the hint. "Hey, let's just hope that that drain doesn't lead to a Water Purifying Plant or they'll end up as sliced 'Arrrrr'-tichokes." she laughed at her feeble joke and decided to shut up.
Anna slipped out of her frenzied stupor and said, " I think they've gone back to the Magical Land of Fiction!"
"Well then, we need to contact someone from the other side." decided Sasha.
"That's an idea that's so stupid that it may work." said Anna.
"Let's get Florida . " [Note: Florida Bloom is the sole property of my friends , Chelsea and Sasha.]
***************
Life had been good to Florida. He became fairly rich and very famous. This was due to his phenomenal performance in a new movie-epic dubbed Lord of the Ozone Layer in which he played the tender hero, Legolas Greenpeace. He only had one or two one-liners like "Hark, I hear the trees calling to me" or "Sigh, alas, I am sad." but he was so stupidly cute that crazed fanatical teenage girls swooned in the theaters and disturbed the more mature audience who preferred the more rugged actor, Virgo Mortician. In conclusion, he was very blissfully happy.
As he was musing about his beautiful new life, there was a knock on the door.
"Who is it?"
" Hi, Florida, dear. It's Sasha!"
Should've kept those Zoloft pills, he thought as he went to open the door. [Note: This is a reference to a story (Sasha's) in which he is quite tormented by a confusing scheme to take over the world. Thus his dependence on Zoloft.]
Sasha gave him a big hug and apologized for all the evil things she and Chelsea had done to him in the past. Florida burst out sobbing like an infant. They waited for him to stop. Anna got impatient and slapped him across the face. This led to more bawling. Anna slapped him again. Florida's wails were alarming the neighbors. Anna slapped him again. Finally, Alex intervened and searched through his fridge for an ice pack. A bag of frozen string beans will have to suffice for now. As she handed Florida the bag of string beans he sobbed and looked up at her.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Alex. I used to own the world with my pigeon army but I gave that up long ago. God, you have short term memory." [Note: More references to the 'world domination incident'. Very sorry for all these inside jokes but I originally didn't intend on putting this on fanfic.net.]
" You're not going to marry me, divorce me, hit me over the head with a heavy object, trick me, or try to throw me out of a window, are you?" [Note: More references. Through the course of Sasha's story he is repeatedly married, divorced, attacked , or replaced by his more attractive and more mentally stable brother, Orlando Bloom.]
"Only if you don't cooperate."
************************
Meanwhile, in the Magical Land of Fiction Barbosa and Sparrow were fighting to the death over a large pit of crocodiles, much like Captain Hook and Peter Pan.
"Watch yer footing, Jack"
"Thank you, I think I can handle myself"
"Not you, we named the monkey Jack."
Out of Barbosa's voluminous boots came a small and very ugly monkey. Suddenly its heart gave out. Poor monkey. And so, while Jack continued to duel with Captain Barbosa, Will Turner occupied himself by giving Jack the Monkey a proper burial and funeral.
Jack jabbed to the left with his sword and bonked Barbosa on the head. Barbosa ducked Jack's advanced and managed to cut past him and attack from behind.
"It's hopeless, Jack. Your mortal. I, on the other hand, cannot die."
"But your forgetting one thing, Mr. Barbosa"
Sigh. "And what is that?" As if he already didn't know. Blah blah blah , nyah nyah. That Sparrow is really an airbag, filled with nothing but hot air, thought Barbosa. Even when they were in high school together all he would do was commandeer post-its off the teachers' desks and copy off of Barbosa's homework. It just wasn't fair. And then he'll say "I can do anything, I'm..."
"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow."
And with that, he attacked Barbosa with his bare hands and tied him to a rock with ...his hair....that came off his back...
" ...and Jack was a good monkey. His death will be remembered. That concludes my funeral speech. Amen."
" Turner, let's go."
And Turner followed him, like a good dog. Only he wasn't a dog. And he really missed Elizabeth.
***********************
Meanwhile, Anna, Alex, Sasha, and Florida were sitting in an 18th century ship while the great, majestic sea breeze tousled their hair. Very bad for Alex. To be more precise, the ship was a life raft stolen from a trade ship off of Haiti. The majestic wind was actually more of a violent gale that was pulling the hair off of their scalps. Good for the sails, very bad for Alex.
"I feel sick. Can we go home?" asked Florida.
Sasha very nearly lost her patience. " And how do you suppose we do that?!!!"
"Um... I dunno but I'm really scared and I have to go to the bathroom."
By now Sasha was foaming at the mouth. Alex had to hold her back from lunging at poor Florida. Anna was too busy writing about Jack Sparrow in her diary to care.
'Dear Diary, Jack Sparrow is really hot. No, Jack is really, really hot. I love Jack. Mrs. Anna Sparrow. Jack is sexy when he wears a hat'
"Why don't we ask God to help us?" Florida asked timidly.a
"Good idea. God? Hello, up there?" asked Alex.
God: Go away, I'm busy reading Jane Eyre. Can't help you right now.
[Note: In the world of Alexfics, God reads romance novels.]
"Oh yea, well if you don't I'll...I'll give away the ending!" yelled Sasha up to the sky.
God: No can do. I've already read it on Sparknotes.com.
"You've got internet connection up there?"
" Sasha!!!!! It doesn't matter! Time if of the essense. The ship is sinking, the reason being that Anna is drooling a river over a picture of Jack Sparrow and Florida is crying an ocean over here."
Silence.
"Land!"
It was a beautiful day. Jack Sparrow, sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow slipped out of sleep and realized that he was no longer stranded on an island with Elizabeth. Oddly enough, he woke up and found himself inside a snow globe.
" Hey, I can breath under water!", he exclaimed.
"That's because you're an immortal." replied a voice whose owner was out of sight at that moment.
Then, out of the shadows stepped a maniacal, menacing, malicious, monstrous, malevolent, fanatic ( damnit, the 'm' pattern is broken) person named Anna.
" I've got you now...So, what are you going to do about it, eh? Call for elf-boy? Well, he can't help you now since he's captured by Barbosa."
Anna continued to babble about all the stuff she had fanatically hoarded on Jack Sparrow. Sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow. The real Sparrow was sitting next to a cheerful frosty the snow globe man waiting for Anna to finish.
"So why am I in a snow globe? And why am I two inches tall? Why am I here?", asked Sparrow.
The reaction was instant. Suddenly, it dawned upon Anna that she was in the same room as the sexy Captain of all her romantic fantasies. She poked herself to make sure she wasn't dead. Then she checked her pulse. Just to make sure, she grabbed one of those machines that go 'ping' that she 'borrowed' from the local hospital just in case she would ever meet Sparrow and would need proof of her spiritual and physical conditions. Thus, the sound 'ping' 'ping' 'ping' brought her into a state of ecstacy.
I will now resume. Poor Sparrow was getting bored and he kept slipping on all those artificial snowflakes. They had the most annoying knack of getting into his boots and into his bandana which was very annoying. All the while, Anna was trying to steady her breathing.
" OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Oh, my god what?"
" YOU'RE CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!!!"
"No, ya think?"
" I must go show Sasha!!!"
And so, she grabbed the snow globe containing Jack Sparrow, sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow, and ran as fast as she could to Sasha's house.
But Sasha was preoccupied with someone else.
" Hey, get me out of this bottle! How did they managed to get those little ships in the bottles anyway?"
"Oh, don't worry Willy Billy, sweety. See, now you have your own little ship and we can forget all about Elizabeth." , Sasha was addressing none other that William Turner.
***********
Meanwhile, Elizabeth was inside a Coca- Cola vending machine.
"Help!". A muffled sound is heard followed by the sound of clinking change.
" Golly, this isn't a Cherry Coke!"
************
Back at Sasha's house, Anna was busy staring at Sparrow. Sparrow was busy staring incredulously at Turner. Sasha was staring at Turner and the snow globe man was staring blankly at no one because he was inanimate.
Suddenly, Anna's cry broke the silence.
" I must break the glass!", she cried.
"Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, I would like to get out of this..um...globe thing, I am getting a bit thirsty...", said Sparrow.
" Why don't you drink the water from inside the globe?" asked Sasha while trying to uncork Will Turner, er.., the bottle.
"Are you mad?! Drink water?! It's poisonous! I need rum, you fool!"
*************
And so, Anna scavenged around Sasha's kitchen until she found a nice, big hammer.
CRACK!
Jackty Sparrow sat in a snow globe. Jackty Sparrow had a great fall. All Anna's efforts and all Sasha's patience couldn't put Jackty together again. APRIL FOOLS!
Yes, he was fine, sort of. But it really hurt.
However, it was nothing compared to the pain Anna had in her heart when she found out the glass wouldn't break. Yes, the snow globe was Anna- proof.
GASP!", they all gasped.
Um, you can't hear me, I'm the narrator.
" Oh, all right" , they all replied in unison.
No, you don't seem to be getting it. Well, anyway... As soon as Jack Sparrow stopped bouncing off the sides of the snow globe and Anna stopped crying Sasha gasped and her eyes widened.
" I just realized something. This is just like The Lord of the Rings!" she said.
" And how is that?", Anna replied testily.
" But you saw the movie at the Commons with me. You should know."
" I was sleeping through the whole thing."
" Well, it can't be destroyed unless you throw it into Mount Doom!"
" Woah, woah, wait. Are you saying you're going to sacrifice me to some volcano?" Sparrow asked suspiciously.
" Of course not, my dear." Anna gave Sasha a dirty look..
" No, no, no. That's not what I mean. What I mean is that we need to take him to where he was made."
" What?!" yelled both Jack and Will in unison.
"Not Mother Sparrow!" It was only Jack who said this.
" Yea, you're right. We'll have to come up with a better idea."
" Why don't we go ask Alex?" suggested Anna.
"Isn't that a book?" asked Sasha.
"No, that's Go Ask Alice. Now, lets go to her house."
***********
And so they set out to Alex's house, which was pretty far away. They rang the doorbell and after about ten minutes with no answer they threw a rock at the window and threatened to break down the door.
"Sorry, my doorbell is broken. Come in."
As they were walking in, Alex noticed the snow globe and grabbed it from Anna.
" Oh, a snow globe! Hey, Anna, why is there a Santa Claus inside? You liar, you said you were Jewish!"
" Er, I am. That's not Santa Claus, that's Captain Jack Sparrow!" said Anna with a smug look on her face.
"Er...what?"
"That is Captain Jack Sparrow."
"Er..what?"
"That is Captain Jack Sparrow." By now, Anna was looking so smarmy she looked as if she would need plastic surgery to get rid of the huge smirk on her face.
"B-but he's a fictional character. And even then, how did you get him so small? Holy god, you've gotten Will Turner, too! But from where?!"
" Uh.... internet?" said both Sasha and Anna.
After Alex got over her shock and interviewed both pirates intensely (and under a bright light too!) she finally got to the question that both Sash and Anna had been anticipating.
" So, what do you want me to do about them?"
"GET THEM OUT OF THE FREAKIN CONTAINERS"
" Ooh, language!"
" Wow, Will Turner actually said something", Alex pointed out " he hardly has any lines, anyway."
" 'S not my fault" he sniffed. "Damn narrator."
Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah! Back to the topic.
"Well,... I suggest you take them and put them in Mr. R's classroom. It's the closest you can get to Mount Doom, I think."
[Note: Mr. R is an evil, maniacal history teacher of very short stature who I have the displeasure of having to know him. I think he was Napolean in a past life.]
And so, they all agreed. Well, Anna, Sash, and Alex agreed. Poor Will and Jack didn't have a say. At 12 pm that day, they set out to their high school. When they reached the classroom, which was conveniently empty they set the two containers down and waited for the miracle.
A few hours later, all eyes were set angrily upon Alex.
"Er...how 'bout we try a chainsaw?" Alex suggested nervously.
After briefly searching through Mr. R's desk drawers they found a nice, big chainsaw.
Phht! Phht! Zzzzzzz! Crack!
"Ok, that doesn't work either."
"Try it on Turner."
Zzzzzzzz!
"EEEK!"
"Alright, calm down Will. You're such a baby." yelled Anna.
" Hey, excuse me. I'd like to have a say." said Captain Jack Sparrow while trying to see through the miniature snow blizzard. "I'd like to know what you're going to do with me after you get me out."
" You mean if." suggested Will Turner.
Shut up, says the narrator. That's for me to decide.
" Well, anyway," continued Sparrow, completely unperturbed by the disembodied voice, " If you get me and that stick over there out of our prisons we'll...um...take you with us onto the Black Pearl. Savvy?"
" Um...may I point out that the Black Pearl is currently owned by Barbosa?" suggested Will Turner.
"No, now quit messing things up. You have to wait until the opportune moment ."
"When is that?" asked Will eagerly.
"Shut up, I'm trying to figure that out."
And so, having nothing better to do they all sat around Mr. R's classroom waiting for the opportune moment, whatever that was. Alex was busy looking through Mr. R's drawers looking for ideas. But all she found were a few extra yellow ties, a bag of Competition O's, a muffin, and some dangerous looking instruments that were covered in what Sasha determined was not dried ketchup.
It was, in fact, tomato juice. You know, those two look and taste so similar. God, that man is violent.
" This isn't working"
"You're right. Let's go home."
"Hold on a sec! I need to get out of this bottle! Elizabeth needs me" said Will Turner, of course.
" Elizabeth needs me. Nyah Nyah..." mumbled Sasha in a mock Will Turner voice.
" She's fine. She's just sitting in a vending machine inside the middle school right now." said Anna.
"What?!"
" Well, when I got you two here, there were a few complications."
" How'd you get us here, lovie?" asked Sparrow.
Anna looked meaningfully up at the sky. " I wished upon a star."
" OK. This is getting rather cheesy. Get me out of here."
Just at that moment, they all jumped at the sound of Thump, Sloosh, Fizzle, Thump! coming from outside the classroom. Anna, being the most curious of the three at the moment, walked over, opened the door and looked around. No one. And then she looked down.
" Hey, it's a Coke can."
"Mphrrrrrrrrergle...", said the can.
" It must be a present!" cried Anna.
And so she drank the Coke can.
" Ew, there's something in the can."
"Ooh, what is it?", asked Sparrow.
"I dunno", said Anna as she quickly flung whatever it was in the can out the window without even looking at it. "Elizabeth!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
"Get over it." was all they could say.
***********
Meanwhile, in the magical land of fiction, Barbosa was trying to figure out what the heck had happened to Will Turner. The only person who saw him disappear was Cotton, but he didn't have much to say about it. Having nothing else to do, he paced around his cabin on the Black Pearl and wondered-
"Shiver me timbers, where could he have disappeared?"
He was just about to sit down and admire a basket of apples since he couldn't eat them when-
Psst! You there!
Barbosa looked around the room trying to find the source of the noise. In vain.
Psst!
"Who's there?!"
The narrator, you dummy.
"Wha...who?...Wow, I've had a bit too much to drink."
Uh..huh... now listen, Will Turner, Elizabeth, and Captain Jack Sparrow have been transported to Nutley, NJ.
"That's in the New World, isn't it? But then how do I g-"
Just tap your heels together three times and say 'I'm not sexy like Captain Jack Sparrow. In fact, I'm so ugly that when I was born the doctor took one look at me and slapped my mother'.
"In hell I'm saying that." A long pause. "Is that all I have to say?"
No, you also have to say this: 'In conclusion, I'm an ugly old man that's played by an actor no one's heard of.'
"I cannot believe I'm doing this."
Heh heh, I can.
************
By now, the Fellowship, ahem,.....group had migrated from Mr. R's classroom to the Middle School in Mr. Baumman's classroom. The reason for this move was that the history teacher from hell had come to pick up his coat that he had left on his desk chair.
To make matters worse, just as he was walking in Sash was rattling on about how frightening he is-
"I think that he's so evil because he's insecure about his height, what do you think, Alex?"
"Haha, what a loser!", exclaimed Alex. She then saw Mr. R's looming, but still very short figure out of the corner of her eye and decided to backpedal. "...but...uh...he's not that tall compared to...um...a hobbit...I mean, well...er...no." Alex trailed off pointlessly and finally settled to staring at her shoes.
"Hello, kids."
"H-hi?" said a frightened Sasha. Anna was too busy watching Sparrow to care. "Um...Are you-" said Sasha trying to make a stab at conversation but was interrupted.
A long pause dragged on until it seemed no one could bear it. Rosati put on a menacing smile.
"Oh, look at the time! We've got to go now. Goodbye!" said Alex in a nervous, squeaky voice. She grabbed Anna and Sasha by the arm and they walked out as fast as they could. They actually had almost forgotten Will Turner, who was crying, the poor thing.
And so that brings us now to Mr. B's classroom where, while Anna, Alex, and Sasha were talking, Jack Sparrow and Will Turner were conspiring. [Note: Mr. B is my senile old science teacher]
"Ok, recite to me escape Plan A."
" Um...Parley?"
"NO!"
"B-But it always works back home.."
"Well, not this time. This time, you're gonna have to chew away the cork with your teeth. Then you need to knock this snow globe thing sideways and unscrew the latch. Savvy?
"What's Plan B?"
"Plan B is to wait for the opportune moment."
"Oh." We're screwed, he thought.
**************
At that very moment, Barbosa regained consciousness....and found himself inside a Campbell's soup can. Luckily it was open, so all he had to do was give the sides a push until it toppled over. It must have been some sort of celestial error, him being in a soup can, he thought.
He immediately marched to Mr. Baumann's classroom. He had conveniently apparated into the teacher's lounge. He had a bit of trouble getting out and a few teachers screamed at the sight of him and ran out. Barbosa felt sad and lonely. Was he really that ugly?
And so he hobbled over to Mr. B's classroom and tried to open the door. Well, being between 1 and 2 inches, he obviously couldn't do it so he just stood by the door thinking 'Arrrrrr, this sucks.'
*******************
Inside Mr. B's classroom Anna was trying to hang herself with a pair of safety goggles, so great was her sadness.
Sasha was reading a textbook and Alex was wondering if the lab tables were really fireproof.
Meanwhile....
"Ewww, this cork tastes really bad."
"Shut up and keep working or I'll send you to Davy Jones's locker. Or worse, Sasha's locker. It's right across the street."
"Ok, I'm going." he sobbed. He really missed Elizabeth. And now he was stuck listening to this slave-driver of a pirate who was probably seriously deranged. He turned to look at Jack swaying like a drunkard and tossing random threats at the unfortunate snow globe man next to him.. No, scratch that, -he was definitely seriously deranged. Sigh.
At that very moment, Barbosa crawled in from under the door. He got stuck for a while and had to suck in his stomach to wriggle through.
"Arrrrr....I'm looking for Will Turner and Jack Sparrow."
"Captain Jack Sparrow!" yelled Sparrow indignantly.
"I'm not saying anything until you tell me where you got those pants." said Anna. " Well, it's kinda embarrassing....I got them at the Gap, 1797."
Suddenly, Will Turner realized Barbosa was in the room and promptly spit out the bits of cork in his mouth, screamed, and fainted.
"Lovely singing voice, as I said..." Jack Sparrow turned to face Barbosa again and looked him in the eye. "Now, let's make a deal. You figure out a way to get me out of this globe-thing and I will steal your ship."
Barbosa let out a huge laugh. " Why on earth would I do that?"
"Because I'm Captain Jack Sparrow." Sparrow vainly flipped his hair while saying this and even Anna stopped and put down the safety goggles.
"You know, he does have a point." said Sasha.
"This is stupid." Alex said to no one in particular.
" I know", said Will.
"Hey, I heard that!!!!!! I challenge you to a sword fight. Never make a pirate angry, especially not one like me." said none other than Sparrow.
" Alright then, you puffed up peacock, or rather, you puffed up Sparrow!" She grabs the snow globe and starts shaking it violently.
"Aaaaaaaaaarghhhh!!!!....."
CRASH!!!
Sparrow went flying into Barbosa, knocking him off his feet. Freedom! Anna instantaneously reacted put a bell jar over our unfortunate pirate. Freedom lasted for 2.666382494504604369 seconds. Anna was rabid. Alex rolled her eyes. Sasha eyed Turner. Turner glanced at the now headless snow globe man. The snow globe man did nothing because he was still inanimate.
"I guess the globe was only Anna-proof." noted Alex as she went over and let out Will Turner from hid prison.
Barbosa dusted himself off and was about to say something but no one heard him. It may have been that no one bother to give him any attention or it might have had to do with the fact that he was flattened under a petri dish artfully thrown by Sasha.
Turner was promptly set under another bell jar and the conversation immediately turned to how to return the shrimpy duo to their normal piratey heights.
Meanwhile....
Psst, says the narrator.
"Eh...? Is it just the fumes emitting from above the Bunsen burner or am I really hearing you again?"
It doesn't matter. Listen, I have a plan of escape for you, Mr. Maybe- it's-Maybeline, and that crying wimp over there.
"Why are you helping me?"
Hmph,...weeeeeelll, I need a plot.
*********************
As Anna, Alex, and Sasha were discussing the pros and cons of using Inquisition-style instruments on the two pirates to stretch them to at least 3' 4", there was a flushing sound heard. They all turned to see the broken glass of bell jars next to an emergency eye washing facility.
" Wow, I think that's the first time that thing has been used." was going to stay but was stopped by very, very angry stares. Unfortunately, she didn't take the hint. "Hey, let's just hope that that drain doesn't lead to a Water Purifying Plant or they'll end up as sliced 'Arrrrr'-tichokes." she laughed at her feeble joke and decided to shut up.
Anna slipped out of her frenzied stupor and said, " I think they've gone back to the Magical Land of Fiction!"
"Well then, we need to contact someone from the other side." decided Sasha.
"That's an idea that's so stupid that it may work." said Anna.
"Let's get Florida . " [Note: Florida Bloom is the sole property of my friends , Chelsea and Sasha.]
***************
Life had been good to Florida. He became fairly rich and very famous. This was due to his phenomenal performance in a new movie-epic dubbed Lord of the Ozone Layer in which he played the tender hero, Legolas Greenpeace. He only had one or two one-liners like "Hark, I hear the trees calling to me" or "Sigh, alas, I am sad." but he was so stupidly cute that crazed fanatical teenage girls swooned in the theaters and disturbed the more mature audience who preferred the more rugged actor, Virgo Mortician. In conclusion, he was very blissfully happy.
As he was musing about his beautiful new life, there was a knock on the door.
"Who is it?"
" Hi, Florida, dear. It's Sasha!"
Should've kept those Zoloft pills, he thought as he went to open the door. [Note: This is a reference to a story (Sasha's) in which he is quite tormented by a confusing scheme to take over the world. Thus his dependence on Zoloft.]
Sasha gave him a big hug and apologized for all the evil things she and Chelsea had done to him in the past. Florida burst out sobbing like an infant. They waited for him to stop. Anna got impatient and slapped him across the face. This led to more bawling. Anna slapped him again. Florida's wails were alarming the neighbors. Anna slapped him again. Finally, Alex intervened and searched through his fridge for an ice pack. A bag of frozen string beans will have to suffice for now. As she handed Florida the bag of string beans he sobbed and looked up at her.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Alex. I used to own the world with my pigeon army but I gave that up long ago. God, you have short term memory." [Note: More references to the 'world domination incident'. Very sorry for all these inside jokes but I originally didn't intend on putting this on fanfic.net.]
" You're not going to marry me, divorce me, hit me over the head with a heavy object, trick me, or try to throw me out of a window, are you?" [Note: More references. Through the course of Sasha's story he is repeatedly married, divorced, attacked , or replaced by his more attractive and more mentally stable brother, Orlando Bloom.]
"Only if you don't cooperate."
************************
Meanwhile, in the Magical Land of Fiction Barbosa and Sparrow were fighting to the death over a large pit of crocodiles, much like Captain Hook and Peter Pan.
"Watch yer footing, Jack"
"Thank you, I think I can handle myself"
"Not you, we named the monkey Jack."
Out of Barbosa's voluminous boots came a small and very ugly monkey. Suddenly its heart gave out. Poor monkey. And so, while Jack continued to duel with Captain Barbosa, Will Turner occupied himself by giving Jack the Monkey a proper burial and funeral.
Jack jabbed to the left with his sword and bonked Barbosa on the head. Barbosa ducked Jack's advanced and managed to cut past him and attack from behind.
"It's hopeless, Jack. Your mortal. I, on the other hand, cannot die."
"But your forgetting one thing, Mr. Barbosa"
Sigh. "And what is that?" As if he already didn't know. Blah blah blah , nyah nyah. That Sparrow is really an airbag, filled with nothing but hot air, thought Barbosa. Even when they were in high school together all he would do was commandeer post-its off the teachers' desks and copy off of Barbosa's homework. It just wasn't fair. And then he'll say "I can do anything, I'm..."
"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow."
And with that, he attacked Barbosa with his bare hands and tied him to a rock with ...his hair....that came off his back...
" ...and Jack was a good monkey. His death will be remembered. That concludes my funeral speech. Amen."
" Turner, let's go."
And Turner followed him, like a good dog. Only he wasn't a dog. And he really missed Elizabeth.
***********************
Meanwhile, Anna, Alex, Sasha, and Florida were sitting in an 18th century ship while the great, majestic sea breeze tousled their hair. Very bad for Alex. To be more precise, the ship was a life raft stolen from a trade ship off of Haiti. The majestic wind was actually more of a violent gale that was pulling the hair off of their scalps. Good for the sails, very bad for Alex.
"I feel sick. Can we go home?" asked Florida.
Sasha very nearly lost her patience. " And how do you suppose we do that?!!!"
"Um... I dunno but I'm really scared and I have to go to the bathroom."
By now Sasha was foaming at the mouth. Alex had to hold her back from lunging at poor Florida. Anna was too busy writing about Jack Sparrow in her diary to care.
'Dear Diary, Jack Sparrow is really hot. No, Jack is really, really hot. I love Jack. Mrs. Anna Sparrow. Jack is sexy when he wears a hat'
"Why don't we ask God to help us?" Florida asked timidly.a
"Good idea. God? Hello, up there?" asked Alex.
God: Go away, I'm busy reading Jane Eyre. Can't help you right now.
[Note: In the world of Alexfics, God reads romance novels.]
"Oh yea, well if you don't I'll...I'll give away the ending!" yelled Sasha up to the sky.
God: No can do. I've already read it on Sparknotes.com.
"You've got internet connection up there?"
" Sasha!!!!! It doesn't matter! Time if of the essense. The ship is sinking, the reason being that Anna is drooling a river over a picture of Jack Sparrow and Florida is crying an ocean over here."
Silence.
"Land!"