"Phil…Phil, it's going to be alright," I sobbed.
I held Phil's hand tightly, squeezing the soft, icy cold skin in both of my shaking hands. I lowered my head and breathed raggedly over his hand, letting my hot breath shower over it in a pointless attempt to warm him up. I let a tear slide down my face and fall gently onto Phil's hand as I rubbed it between my own; I had to do everything I could to stop him feeling so deathly cold.
Phil's eyes flickered as he lay in his bed. He was barely conscious as his eyes drooped like when you're so exhausted and about to fall asleep but you're trying to stay awake. His black hair still shined as his fringe swept just above his eyes. His stunning blue irises were glossy, reflection swimming around like tiny fishes in a vast ocean. His pupil's where large and dilated. I watched his chest as it rose and fell, hearing each of his struggled breaths get sucked in and pushed out. He was shivering.
"D-don't lie to me, Dan," he whispered. I focused my eyes back to his. He looked up at me, looking so innocent, so vulnerable.
"Phil…I-"
"DAN!" he exclaimed viciously. The sudden outburst made my jump, almost causing me to fall backwards off my chair, "Just cut the crap! You think I don't know what's happening!? You think I don't know what is gonna happen to me!? You think I don't know where I am or why I'm here!?"
I was speechless. Phil had never shouted at me before. My expression froze. I didn't know what to do or say or think.
Suddenly, Phil winced as he slowly raised his arm and pointed towards the machine next to his hospital bed.
"Ph-Phil, You shouldn't-" He interrupted me before I could finish.
"You think I don't know what that is, Dan? You think I don't know why I'm hooked up to it with all these tubes? Because I know, Dan. I know far too well, that this machine right here…is to keep my alive," Phil voice started to break. It was as if he was being strangled by the will to burst into tears, "And do you think, Daniel…do you think I don't know why it's not plugged in anymore?"
And with that, I broke into a million tiny pieces.
"No, Phil, don't do this! Don't say stuff like that! I can't take it" I yelled. I clutched his hand even tighter and buried my head into the crook of his neck, sobbing, wailing, crying.
"What's the point, Dan? What's the point in lying to myself? It's beaten me. Cancer has won," whispered Phil, expressionless as I lost control. I sniffed deeply and lifted my head up, cheeks burning red, wiping the tears away and turning my head so he couldn't see my face. I cried into my sleeve, biting down hard into the fabric of my hoodie.
I composed myself quickly as Phil lay silent, staring up at the ceiling. For a terrifying moment, I'd thought he had gone. Relief washed over me when I saw him blink tiredly.
"Phil…I…I don't know what to say" I hiccupped.
"You don't have to say anything, Dan," Phil sighed quietly, "We both knew that this would happen eventually. It's fine. I'm ready, Dan. I'm ready…to die. And all you have to do now is stay strong, Dan. Stay strong for me. I think I'll lose my mind otherwise,"
Again, I was speechless. My whole mind was numb, my whole body was numb.
"Okay, Phil…I'll stay strong for you," I murmured.
Silence dawned over us as we treasured our last minutes together. I transfixed my gleaming eyes on his still shaking body. I quickly took my hoodie off and placed it over Phil's body. I heard him exhale peacefully.
After a few more moments silence, Phil finally spoke.
"Dan?" he murmured. All of a sudden, he sounded very timid
"Yeah, Phil?"
"Something weird is happening…"
"What do you mean, Phil?" I got up out my seat and sat on the edge of his bed, placing my hands either side of him, leaning over and looking down into his angelic face.
"Everything…everything's turning white…all around me…"
There wasn't long left. I could feel my heart shatter.
"No…" I breathed, barely audible, "Not now, not yet, Phil…please…"
"Dan? When I die…will you be sad?"
"What!? Of course I'll be sad!" I laughed darkly. My bottom lip wobbled. I quickly wiped a stray tear from my face. I had to stay strong, "Phil, don't you dare die on me! Look, I'm going to get the doctor, we have to put you back on life support, I can't-"
"No, Dan," he croaked, grabbing my arm, "Stay with me,"
"But-"
"Please, Daniel…please," he begged, his eyes growing so wide, pleading.
"…O-okay,"
"Dan, when I go…I want you to stay with Chris and PJ. They'll help you. They'll be there for you. Will you do that for me, Dan?"
"Yes, Phil, I will,"
"And then I want you to visit Jack, Dean, Charlie and Alex. Visit them lots. Cherish them all, Dan, they'll make you so happy…so, so happy,"
"I will, Phil, I promise…but…it's not…going to be the same without you, Phil…" I paused, "I don't know if I'll be able to carry on…"
"Yes you will, Dan, you will be fine, I swear. Besides, I'm always gonna be with you…even when I'm gone,"
"Phil…" I sobbed, "Phil…you're such an…idiot,"
"I know," he chuckled weakly, "But that's not going to stop me from by your side forever,"
"Phil, don't do this to me…"
"Look at you, Daniel…your nose is all runny…bet your subscribers wouldn't think you're so hot now, eh?"
"Pfft…my subscribers are blind…"
"What!? Dan…you're perfect. Everyone can see it…but you,"
"Shut up, Phil,"
"You're beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, wonderful…" he stared up at me in wonder.
"You can talk…" I mumbled shyly under my breath, "Your subscribers are gonna miss you…and so are mine,"
"It's okay, they'll still have you,"
"It's still not going to be same,"
There was a pause.
"I'm ready for this, Dan. I'm ready. I'm going to fly away and be free. I'm going to soar and spin and whirl through the clouds…and then I'm going to watch over you. Every day, all day, until we can see each other again,"
"Please…please, be quiet, Phil," I whispered, stroking his hair around his face
"...I'm really cold, Dan,"
"It's okay, Phil. Not…not long now,"
Phil's expression suddenly changed.
"Wow. I just realised…I'm going to die…without ever kissing anyone…"
"You…" I paused, stunned by this, "You've never had your first kiss?"
"No, never,"
"Phil, you're twenty-six years old…"
"Guess I've never got round to it. I'm just a bit old school, I guess,"
"Yeah, just a bit…"
"Dan?"
"Yes?"
"Will you…kiss me?"
"Wh-what? S-seriously, Phil?"
"I just want to know what it feels like…"
"Phil, I-I-"
"Dan, you're my best friend…please, just do it for me. It doesn't matter, it's only between us and no one ever has to know. I'm dying, Dan…please,"
"Phil, that's not the poi-"
"-Dan…please…"
I stared deeply into his beautiful eyes. They looked so desperate. He really wanted me to kiss him. And if that's what he wanted…then I had to do it.
I slowly leaned towards Phil's face. Even though his eyes were so exhausted, they were suddenly full of life and excitement. It brought me so much joy to see him that way in his finally moments as an angel of the earth on his way to become an angel of the heavens.
I paused when our noses were barely touching. I inhaled. He exhaled. And then…I placed my lips upon his.
It was as if the world had stopped turning for a second. It was beautiful, perfect, everything I ever imagined. I always knew I was in love with Phil Lester. From the moment I lead eyes on him. I knew.
The kiss was magical, intense, deep, longing. Our lips worked in perfect unison, our breathing in exact sync with each other. It was so special. I never wanted it to end.
When we finally broke apart, we stared at each other in shock at what we had just done and all the feelings that surrounded it. We were so close, hardly any space between our glowing red faces. Once again, Phil was the one to break the silence.
"You're lips are really soft," he giggled feebly.
I laughed softly, "Yours too,"
"That was…"
"Yeah, it was, wasn't it," I smiled. He smiled back.
"Can I tell you secret, Dan?"
"Of course you can,"
"I had my first kiss when I was fourteen with a girl from English class"
"…Oh,"
"Are you angry, Dan?"
"Well…not really…just kind of annoyed…"
"Wh-what! N-no, Dan, please don't be, I'm so sorry, Dan!" he panicked. I quickly put a finger on his lips, to quieten him down.
"I was kind of hoping that I was your first kiss," I beamed down at him as his tired face lit up.
"Dan! I-"
I kissed him again before he could say anything else. It was even better the second time.
As I broke away, I watched as Phil's eyes starting to well up with tears, a few escaping down his face.
"Phil? Are you…crying?"
Suddenly, Phil burst into a fit of horrible crying. He howled and wailed as tears streamed down his face, onto his blankets, onto my hoodie and in his hair. It was a heart wrenching sight. He gasped for breath, hiccoughing over and over again.
"Phil! Stop crying, please!"
"Why, Dan!? I thought I was ready! But now…I don't want to die…"
"Phil! No, Phil!
"No! I-I-I don't…want…to…die!"
"Phil!"
"Dan! Help me! Please! Hook me back up to the life support! I don't want to die like this!
Please, Dan, please!"
"Phil, I can't! It's too late, I can't, Phil!"
"No, Dan, please! I want to be with you! I want to be with you always!"
"Phil-"
"I want to be with you, Dan! I want to get married to you, I want to have children with you! And then I want to watch them grow up and have families of their own! I want to grow old with you, Dan, and then I want to die with you when I'm old and wrinkly! Not now, Dan…not now…"
"Phil, no! Stop it, Phil! It's going to be okay!"
Phil's breathing was so fast; he looked like he was going to burst. Suddenly, his eyes started to droop and were now unfocused…it was time. I let myself drop by his side and I nuzzled back into the crook of his neck.
"Dan…I…I'm slipping…slipping away…"
"No, Phil, you're flying away…to a beautiful world," I sobbed quietly to Phil.
"Don't…let me…die…Daniel…don't…let me…"
The sound of death rang out of the heart monitor…echoing down the corridors of the hospital...along with Daniel Howell's cries of grief and despair.
Phil Lester was gone.