Set in New Moon, after Edward leaves-Bella's struggle at moving on and mending those wounds…I almost fell apart reading that damn book!
Make sure you read the lyrics carefully- they fit so well.
Song: Anything at All- Colbie Caillat. Download, Youtube, iTunes, whatever- it's worth listening to.
It's another day without him. It passed by like a year. I saw my friend's faces and heard their questions but they didn't sink in. They hovered at my surface, and soon gave up. They knew that communication wouldn't be possible. I was nothing, not without him. I was numb- I could only feel nothing. That's all I could say about myself.
I arrived home. I switched off my truck, and felt the silence it had left after its roar. I thought of him, involuntarily, and felt the silence in me that he had left after the day in that forest. I winced, as sudden memories brought themselves forward…
I could tell by the tone of your voice
That this isn't working out
I can tell by the look in your eyes
You've made up your mind you haven't got a doubt…
Screaming at those thoughts, banishing them from my mind's eye I tried, my eyes screwed shut, my skull forcing itself on the headrest, to return to those times when my heart would hiccup and I would shiver with pleasure, when we first met…
I remember when I first saw you
I remember the way I felt…
But still, the stabbing recollections burst through my barriers. I didn't understand why I was letting myself remember…it was almost killing me…
And you're breaking me to pieces
And I don't know how I deal with this, but I fight…
I fought, but every day was a struggle, there were no breaks. Weekends weren't relief, they were hell. No school to distract me, only my daunting bedroom…where he would hold me in his icy grasp, and I would feel like I was in the middle of a chaotic snow storm, but he was holding me close.
I always loved the thought that I kept him warm, that somehow, I did something for him too.
It was late, and I was lying in bed. It felt enormous without him. It felt too warm without his draughty presence. I felt too alive without him. I reflected on the two months since he walked away from me, left everything up in the air and crushed me until my lungs were too small for the right amount of air; my heart was broken beyond repair.
I've been thinking for days
I've been sleepless for nights …
I thought about school, and how I just about managed to keep myself together, mostly by wrapping my arms around my waist, closing my eyes and pretending that the arms were his. I couldn't always keep it together when the day ended…trapped in my truck, with the gaping hole that used to be home to my radio, now empty, like me.
Forget the sunshine; I welcomed the rain now, because it made it seem OK to cry as the water wept down my windows, surrounding me in melancholy, weighing me down until I felt like curling up on the floor, hearing my hollow heartbeat slow until that beautiful and bitter last beat.
But it all came to me
Driving home crying my eyes out…
But I was alive. It proved that even without him, I could live. My blood kept hammering through my veins, my legs kept moving, and my lungs kept working. It showed that he wasn't everything, and soon enough, he would leave my thoughts forever.
And if I learned anything at all it was to
never give in
Because I see all my dreams laid out in front of me
And for once, it doesn't seem so tough
no it doesn't seem so tough…
But those thoughts never convinced me for long…
Because everything would still remind me of him- the gentle lull of a piano; purplish bruises of exhaustion underneath someone's eyes, maybe even the colour of ocher.
One night I switched through the channels with Charlie absently, and came across a repeat of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It was all I could do not to throw the remote at the screen and run from the room in tears in front of my dad. He was worried about me enough as it is.
But not even Charlie stopped me from tearing down the beach that lined La Push that night, fighting back tears with impatience. I slammed the door, but it was hardly heard amidst Forkes' typical rain, that lashed through the air.
I'd parked at the very top of the cliffs.
I made powerful strides to the edge and took a good long look at the ocean. Underneath the winds, the water was being manipulated, tugged and pushed so it surged and crashed against the rock face. The mulling water likened to my bad mood, my furious mood.
"EDWARD!" I bellowed, and my voice was lost in the waves. Just saying his name made my hands shake and my heart judder. I felt the water run down my face with fluency. When I wiped it away impatiently, I realized that it was warm. Tears had mingled with rain and I surrendered to sobbing, falling to my knees and feeling like I was about to wash away with the water that hammered down on me, "Shit, Edward…look what you've done to me…"
And if I learned anything at all it was to never give in…
But it was time to ignore those old habits. I struggled to stand and I faced the air in front of me.
"I know you made me promise," I said, my voice shaking along with the rest of me, "But you made me one too. You promised that you would never leave me, that would you never hurt me…so how come I can't stop hurting? How come you left me after all we had…how could you break that promise, Edward?"
The thunder answered me, growling just like the beautiful boy would whenever I would piss him off. I let out a choked laugh, surprising myself.
"So I'm breaking my promise." I told him, or more realistically, I told myself, and the waves around me, that were hungry for me, desperate to pull me down into their depths, "An eye for an eye, Edward."
I closed my eyes, and breathed deeply.
As I stepped forwards, I enjoyed the feeling of nothing being there; that's all I wanted anymore.