Jeff "Joker" Moreau was a hard man to shock. After serving as the helmsman aboard both the Normandy SR-1 and its sister, the SR-2, he'd seen nearly everything the galaxy could throw at a single ship. Rogue geth, a racist Spectre trying to speed the galaxy towards annihilation, undead cyborg zombies, and the revelation that the entire universe was just a petri dish for a psychotic AI and its army of invincible planet-murdering starships. He'd taken it all in stride. Sure, he still blamed himself for the SR-1 being shot down. Who wouldn't? It had been HIS ship, HIS responsibility, and he had to watch helplessly as a Collector beam cut his baby to pieces. Even then, though, he hadn't given up ALL hope. After all, Shepard had survived. Or been brought back, whatever. Point is, it was still her. And she'd needed him again, to helm the resurrected Normandy SR-2. His baby, better than new. The crew were his family. By the time they'd finally gotten revenge on the Collectors, they weren't Cerberus anymore. They were Shepard's crew, and Joker considered them all his family.
All of that was months ago. They'd stopped a Reaper invasion in the Aratoht system shortly after, but nobody cared about that. They'd tossed Shepard in the brig for blowing up a mass relay and grounded the rest of the crew. Hell, they'd even stuck two guards on Joker day and night, just to be sure he wouldn't "try anything". Not that it mattered. If she wanted to, EDI could easily take control of the ship now that her hardware locks were gone. In fact, they'd done just that, going to once again pull Shepard's ass out of the fire when the Reapers hit Vancouver. Ever since then they'd been flying from one hotspot to another, Shepard and her crew hitting the Reapers on the ground while Joker, EDI, and the rest of the crew kept the skies clear and fed Shepard intel. Joker almost wished he could be down there with them. He felt so USELESS sometimes, stuck up here while Shepard and her squad fought and bled down below. His part was a vital one, he knew that. He was the best pilot in the Systems Alliance Fleet, helming the most advanced warship in human history. But it felt…hollow. Then again, EVERYTHING felt hollow today. Joker picked up the datapad again, reading the emergency dispatch that had just come through on the QEC's text channel. He wasn't supposed to have access to this info, but EDI had spotted it in the incoming queue and forwarded him a copy. He wished she hadn't. EDI was remarkably caring and protective for an AI, but…sometimes, she just didn't understand people. He stared at the screen, mouthing the words to himself.
"From: Dr. Chloe Michel
To: Commander Miridian Shepard
Shepard, we've had an incident at Huerta Memorial that I…thought you should be aware of. An asari commando was recently brought in, suffering from combat stress, PTSD, and several severe abdominal lacerations. In the course of her therapy, she revealed that she had been forced to kill a young girl on Tiptree to prevent their location from being discovered by Husks. The girl's name was Hilary Moreau. The commando felt significant anguish over having to kill the girl, and recently killed herself using a weapon smuggled in by an unknown party. I looked up the name so we could notify next of kin, and…her only listed relative is your helmsman, Jeff Moreau. Would you please inform him of his sister's fate? Thank you."
Joker slumped slightly in his chair, restraining tears. He was on-duty. He couldn't afford to let his concentration slip, even though they were currently cruising through the empty space between stars. Specialist Traynor had located some ex-Cerberus scientists out in the middle of nowhere, and Shepard had decided to mount a rescue operation. Normally Joker would enjoy these empty times, the endless stars visible through the canopy reassuring him that somewhere out there, people were still fighting and pushing back against the Reapers. Today, they just made him feel hollow. So many merciless points of light, all of them surrounded by people fighting and dying against enemies they couldn't even comprehend. Was it all pointless? Sure, Joker still had the Normandy. He still had EDI, and the crew. But that was precious little in such a vast, merciless universe, and he knew from tragic experience how quickly it could all be taken away. Maybe…maybe it would be better if that happened. Let a Reaper pop out of nowhere and blow them to bits. It's not like any of them were likely to survive this war anyway.
He glanced over at EDI, whose newly-acquired synthetic infiltration frame rested comfortably in the copilot's seat. Her fingers danced over the controls, adjusting a dozen systems at once. He'd asked her once why she kept using the human controls instead of regulating things directly through her main hardware, and she'd said something about wanting to "acclimate herself to human-scale physical and social interactions in order to better integrate with the existing crew." She was weird sometimes. But he cared about her. Joker didn't know if he would really call it love, but he couldn't imagine a day where he'd have to go on without her. The only other person he'd ever felt that way about was Shepard, and THAT situation was way too complicated for him to ever pursue it. EDI glanced back at him, expression calmly neutral. "Are you alright, Jeff?"
Joker shook his head slightly, turning back to his console, trying to sound like his usual slightly misanthropic self. "Just fine, EDI. Just wondering if you were gonna suddenly announce that you were the harbinger of our genetic destiny or something. Y'know, normal relationship worries. Heh. Relation-SHIP. Never noticed that before…" He trailed off, feeling rather stupid for even attempting a joke. Nothing was funny right now.
EDI frowned slightly. "Jeff, a frequency analysis of your voice shows significant stress and grief. Is this about the message I forwarded to you earlier?"
Joker just shook his head sadly. EDI persisted. "Jeff. If I have distressed you by sharing that information, please tell me so that I can avoid that mistake in the future."
He sighed, equal parts glad that EDI cared and frustrated that she wouldn't let it go. "Yes, it was about the message, alright? My sister's dead. Did you really expect me to read that and go 'yeah, okay, I've got no family left. Time to go put my ass on the line for no good reason!'? Seriously?"
EDI actually sounded hurt in her reply, amplifying Joker's guilt. "I did not mean to offend, Jeff. I was simply attempting to keep you up-to-date…"
Joker stood, groaning as his fragile bones protested the sudden movement. "Yeah. Whatever. I'm gonna go catch some shut-eye."
He headed back through the CIC, taking the elevator down to the crew deck. Almost everybody was on-duty at the moment, so the crew bunks were pretty much deserted. Joker curled up on a bottom bunk, facing the wall, trying not to think about his sister. She'd been a pain in the ass most of the time. A real brat. She always loved to challenge Joker to chess marathons when he'd come home to visit, and she'd beat him every time. She wanted to be a Spectre when she grew up, and Joker's stories about Shepard's exploits never failed to amaze her. And now…she was just GONE. What good was fighting if everything you cared about could just VANISH like that? Hope was all he had at this point, and now even that was falling apart. Joker was starting to suspect he knew how Shepard was feeling. Anderson had asked him to keep an eye on her and try to keep her spirits up, but how was he supposed to do that when he couldn't even do it for himself? It…it was like being grounded. Or seeing the Normandy exploding around him again. That fear, that despair. He'd hoped he'd never have to feel it again, but here it was. Everything he cared about was eventually lost to him.
The crew barracks door hissed open, measured footfalls coming towards his bunk. Joker didn't bother looking, assuming it was Adams. His shift was up right about now. Poor guy was probably tired, trying to keep Ken and Gabby in check all shift. The footfalls stopped, then Joker's mattress shifted as someone sat down on the edge of it. A distinctive, quietly commanding voice came from behind him. "You okay, Joker? EDI told me you'd deserted your post. That's…not like you."
Joker winced. Shepard was the LAST person he wanted to see him in this state. She did so much for everyone else, he didn't want her feeling like she had to take care of him too. "I'm fine, Commander. Just needed some shut-eye. And EDI's plenty capable of flying the ship, so I figured it wouldn't be a big deal."
Shepard sighed, rubbing her forehead. She spoke quietly, not wanting to push or upset Joker. "EDI told me about the message, Joker. You don't have to bullshit me, okay? I'm here for you."
Joker scowled, frustration welling up underneath his grief and fatigue. "Yeah. I know you are, Shepard. You're always there for EVERYBODY, right? The great Commander Shepard, God-Savior of the Universe. Not everybody NEEDS to be saved, Shepard. Some of us can handle ourselves."
He hesitated, waiting for the inevitable angry response. Instead, all he heard was a sigh. "Yeah…you're right, Joker. Not everybody needs to be saved. But I have to try. If I don't do everything I can, what kind of person am I? If I let someone I care about hurt like you're hurting, without trying to help them, what does that say about me? I know you can take care of yourself. God knows you've pulled MY ass out of trouble often enough. But nobody can deal with this kind of thing alone. On Mindoir, when my parents died…I just lost it. My dad kept a pistol in the house. I grabbed it and hid out in the attic. I spent a week murdering every batarian I could see, because part of me thought that if I killed enough of them, my dad would sit up and smile at me again, that my mom would be okay. When the Alliance finally arrived, they were still just as dead. And I was…I don't know. Broken. Because I had nobody to help me. That's why I try to help people now, especially when they've lost someone important to them. I don't want you going down that road, Joker. You're a damn good friend and probably the best soldier I've ever seen. And…I don't want to lose you too."
Joker was silent, stunned. Shepard never talked about her past. Everybody knew parts of it. Stories get around, after all. But it's one thing to hear a story third-hand about the XO of that new frigate you're being transferred to, and a whole other thing to hear it straight from the source. The naked vulnerability and sorrow in Shepard's voice was the most staggering part. He hadn't been entirely kidding when he called her "God-Savior of the Universe". That's really how she seemed to him. Shepard was as implacable and invincible as a Reaper. She never stopped. She never lost. She was more than human, thanks to Cerberus rebuilding her. She was a force of nature, and everybody in the galaxy knew it. But here she was, sitting on his bed, spilling her guts to HIM and trying to make him feel better. He didn't DESERVE this. She shouldn't be wasting her time on this.
Joker cleared his throat, tone quiet and awkward. "Look, Shepard…you've got a mission coming up, and Hackett's been pestering us for mission status updates all day, and Ashley's been trying to figure out how to murder Javik all week. You don't have to sit here and try to cheer me up, okay? You've got bigger problems."
"No, Joker…I don't."
Joker froze, feeling arms sliding around his torso from behind. Shepard was spooning up against him, her head resting on his shoulder. It was frightening and exciting at the same time, and Joker really couldn't decide how to react.
"Right now, Moreau…you're all I'm worried about."
Joker relaxed slightly, not yet daring to smile. "If you say so, ma'am."
Shepard smiled, her tone teasing. "Ma'am, huh? I like it when you say it like that…"
Joker blushed, finally having the good sense to shut up. He fell asleep quickly, guilt and grief fading away in the comfort of having someone he cared about so close to him, so willing to put his needs above her own. He woke alone, his omnitool telling him that several hours had passed. He made his way up to the cockpit, surprised to find that they were still in orbit over Arrae. He glanced at EDI as he resumed his seat. She was smiling slightly.
"Something funny, EDI?"
EDI glanced at Joker, calm. "I was watching your conversation with the Commander. You two seemed very…comfortable."
Joker blushed, feeling oddly guilty. "Uhh…look, don't read too much into that, okay? Sometimes, when two people have worked together for a long time, they get really casual around each other. It doesn't mean I'm not still interested in YOU…"
EDI's smile widened. "I am aware of human social dynamics, Jeff, and the level of intimacy displayed was beyond that of long-time acquaintances. You are interested in her sexually. I approve."
Joker's intended protest spluttered and died in his throat. "You…what?"
EDI glanced back at her console, fingers dancing as the mass effect core began to come online. "I approve. If you wish to pursue a relationship with her, you should. It would be psychologically beneficial for both of you."
Joker blinked, confused. "But…what about YOU?"
"I will always be here for you, Jeff. Always." She smiled, seeming more human than ever before. "After all, I AM your copilot."
Joker returned the smile, feeling at peace for the first time in quite a while. His sister was dead, but there would be time to grieve when they'd kicked some Reaper ass. Sure, his life was complicated. Everybody's was. But he had a job to do, and people to protect, and that was all that mattered. As the stars ahead blurred, blue-shifting, Joker's smile grew to an excited grin.
"Pedal to the metal, EDI. There's a galaxy that needs saving."