NOTE: THIS STORY IS ON A SIGNIFICANT HOLD! I'm reworking chapters 1-4 or 5, building them up. I was reading over the story again while working on Chapter 7 (yes, I am still working on this story X.x) and I'm very unhappy with how short and empty most of the chapters are. So I'm reworking them and adding more, and until then I won't upload or work ahead any more. Sorry to all who are reading this and awaiting an update, it might be a while.
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If you are my placebo, why can't I quit you?
I write these words as I sit on his front porch in the chilled four 'o'clock AM air, holding my notebook close. There's no chance of sleep tonight, there never is- anymore.
Not since what happened.
My
feelings for Tweek aren't real, I keep telling myself, like a
placebo. Just like my feelings for the countless other people, men
and women, I've slept with weren't real.
But if it's not real
where is reality?
Where does reality start and my fake drugs, my make-believe feelings, end?
I fear I may never
know. I pull my orange hood tighter against my face, tying the
strings quickly in a loose bow. It looks retarded, I know, but oh
well. My pale blue eyes stare out at the sky, quickly lightening from
the pitch black of a cloudy night to the dark blue of a cloudy
morning.
Things never get better, here.
I don't want to hurt
him, I swear- and that's what worries me. The others, oh I could care
less about them, but not Tweek. He's just so innocent, so confused.
Should I feel bad about using him for my own pleasure, or am I even
using him at all? I'm afraid I might actually be in love. Maybe it's
because he didn't let me in, literally and figuratively, right away.
I had to work. I had to prove to him that I could be trusted, that I
had feelings towards him. That I...
Oh god, Kenny, just say it.
That I loved him.
None of the others were like this. Bebe, Wendy, the countless faceless nameless whores, Kyle, Clyde, Butters. With them it was a simple "Hi, I'd like to fuck you." and away we went.
With them it was simple period.
So I sit out here, in this now early morning, the sky promises that it'll be morning soon, and I think. And think. And then I see a light shine down onto the yard, two windows down from the front door. Tweek's room.
Ohgodohgodohgodohgod!
He must have woken up
without me, this isn't good. He must be panicking he must be-
"Kenny?" says a sleepy voice from the window. I quietly
walk over to it, and look in.
"Oh! There you are! You scared
me." He says.
"I'm glad you're still here." He
finishes.
Oh god.
"Yeh, I was just... thinking..."
I reply.
That was stupid.
"Oh. Well, d-do you want
to come back in? It's mighty chilly out there." He says, how
kind. Wait- did Tweek just stutter? Usually he doesn't around me...
Oh well.
"Uh, yeah sure." I say, before climbing though
his window. Y'know, on second thought, I could have just used the
front door, huh? He pulls me close for an embrace, and I return it. I
like it when he holds me, he's always so warm.
"Gee, Kenny,
were you smoking again?" Tweek asks.
Damn, he caught me. Not that I even tried to hide it. I can only nod, the shame I feel is a real emotion, for once. "Darn it Kenny, well I thought you said you quit! I don't want you to die, Kenny." Why does he say my name so much? "I'm sorry, Squeeky... It's a hard habit to kick." Not that I even tried.
"Kenny, don't pull out the sweet nicknames and think you're out of trouble." Trouble? What is he, my mother?
No. He isn't. Because Tweek is here. With me.
"Dammit I'm sorry!" I
shout, before I realize I shouldn't have. He looks so hurt.
"Sparky,
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout!" At least this time I'm not
lying to the poor kid. But the only things that I'm talking to are
the tears in his eyes. Damn kid won't listen to a thing I say for the
rest of the day.
"I think... Maybe you should go home
now, Kenny." Ouch. I really didn't mean it.
"I mean,
before my parents wake up, and everything." I know I kno- wait,
what? He's not mad? "Oh Tweek, I knew you weren't mad!" I
say, before practically hugging the very life out of him. I don't
leave before picking up the skinny boy and laying him back in his
nice warm bed, and kissing his forehead softly.
"But dammit kid, you know that house ain't a home. Not to me, anyway." I reply, before heading back out the window.
He's asleep before I say those words.
If only everyone's life was that simple.