Chapter 1

A Private Hell

Sweet is the dream, divinely sweet, when absent souls in fancy meet: - Sir Thomas More

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

Time heals.

With enough talking and discussion and more talking anything can be conquered.

A paperwork day. Reid had been the last back after the last ordeal but despite Rossi's concerns that he would just walk in and cheat the evals again he was back. Rossi had to give him this much – if he was still effected by past events he wasn't letting it show.

He didn't know Reid as well as Aaron did though.

The constant rubbing of his hands on the side of his trousers didn't go unnoticed by the unit chief. The way he always hung back so he was last in the elevator didn't go unnoticed by Morgan and the way he couldn't or wouldn't look Prentiss in the eyes was not missed by her – but he was arriving at work at his normal early time and leaving last and doing his job and what more could they ask?

Today Reid was looking a bit pale and when he glanced at his watch for the fifth time Morgan got up and took a seat next to him.

"What's wrong?"

Reid tucked his hair behind his ears and turned to look at Morgan. "Wrong?"

"You don't look good Reid, and you are clock watching. So what's going on?"

Reid ran a hand over his jaw. "Sometimes it hurts still. It's OK – I have it under control. I just need to wait for the hour to be up before I can take another pain killer. Nothing to worry about."

Morgan rested his elbows on the desk. "And Hotch knows?"

A small shake of the head and a frown. "Do you tell him when you have a headache?"

"No buddy I don't – but ……….."

"But you haven't had a drugs problem." Reid pulled the pack of over the counter pill out of his pocket and handed them to Morgan. "If it would make you feel any better."

He took them in his hand and gave them a quick look over. "Yes Reid – it would make me feel better."

"Well I have ten more minutes and I need to take with water."

The complete truth was that he had a blinding headache – his jaw hurt and he had been having awful nightmares again. He would have in the past talked to Gideon about it, but now even had he been here he would have kept this to himself. It was have enough knowing that these people had seen him degraded to that extent – he didn't need to keep reminding them. He ran a hand over the scar on the back of his neck and sighed.

"Hey – kiddo – if you ever want to talk."

Reid nodded. Talk talk talk until you are blue in the face but if you don't actually tell them the problem they will never understand.

It was the same as every other evening. They all left except for Reid who wanted to just finish up this last bit. Another thing not unnoticed by anyone who knew Reid. Always one last bit to do.

He waited until everyone had gone and put his pen in his desk drawer and pushed the files to one side. The cleaning crew weren't due in for another half an hour. That gave him a full thirty minutes of peace. He lay his head on the desk and closed his eyes. This was the only place Spencer felt safe.

For some reason the nightmares didn't reach him if he was here.

As the first lot of crew arrived Reid pulled on his jacket and picked up his messenger bag. It always felt too heavy these days. He had been coming into work on the train. First thing in the morning he was so tired that he considered it hazardous to be driving. Last thing as the night-time started he always regretted those early morning thoughts – though he was in no hurry to get home. That nice safe place had gone now.

And so as he sat on the subway and held his bag close and closed his eyes against what was going on around him he just wished he could confide in someone, but who would really understand?

-o-o-o-

Emily closed her apartment door and locked it and set the alarm. She then leaned on the wall and took deep breaths. It was always such a relief to get home to her safe place. Where she knew that the bogeyman couldn't get her.

She slung her jacket over a peg on the wall and slung her sidearm and badge into a small drawer with a combination lock. Her clothing she shed as she walked to the bathroom.

Emily locked the bathroom door and took a long hot shower. She scrubbed at her face. She could still feel his mouth on her sucking and licking greedily at her face and she could still feel his tongue moving against her lips. Emily washed her hair and stepped from the shower pulling on a bath robe and scrunching it around herself tightly.

She stood staring out of the window until two in the morning when at last she felt too tired to stand and wait any longer. She lay on the top of her covers and rolled over onto her stomach.

Prentiss sobbed big angry sad tears until at four am she finally fell asleep.

And in her dreams he came to her and stood and watched and touched her cheek and then left again.

-o-o-o-

Hotch had decided against selling the house. He was going to rent it out and get somewhere smaller in the meantime. It felt wrong selling something which had made him so happy. There might be a chance for it again one day. He was having a problem letting go of these memories.

He picked up some take away on the way home and after double locking his new re-enforced front door and setting the alarms he dumped the food on the kitchen counter.

Aaron walked through the house and turned on all the lights upstairs and down. He needed to get rid of as many shadows as he could. He had never fully understood how a grown man could be afraid of he dark, and still he reasoned with himself it wasn't the dark he was trying to avoid. It was things moving in the shadows.

He used the small downstairs shower room to freshen up and change into something without a tie and then went back for the food.

It was almost cold by the time he sat down to eat the small meal for one. Most of it he just pushed around his plate. No appetite. His reason obviously was that he was worried about his decision to let Reid come back to work yet. He was worried about some of the new odd mannerisms he had picked up, about

how tired he looked. How tired they all looked. Had any of the team had a proper undisturbed night's sleep since that day in the snowy forest? He pretty much doubted that….but with Reid there was more going on than bad dreams. PTSD was what he had been 'treated' for, but had Reid told them everything? Those deep dark thoughts he kept locked away in his mind were going to come crashing down on him.

Hotch decided to talk to Reid about it in the morning. As he lay his head back and closed his eyes and listened to the silence a shadow bulged and shrank and faded.

-o-o-o-

Derek went to the bar after work. He drank orange juice and he watched the girls. Occasionally he found his eyes wondering over the guys, but only to make sure none of them were who he really wanted to meet. The one he wanted to tear his heart out. The one who was preventing him from feeling safe in his own home.

It was midnight when he welcomed Clooney and put down fresh water and some dog treats. He showered and pulled a towel around his waist. Still dripping wet he went back to his lounge and sat on his big leather couch. He thought about putting on a music channel. His concentration was shot recently. Bad dreams….not enough sleep. Maybe he needed to go down the gym and not to the bar.

At three in the morning Morgan went to his room. He lay on the top of his covers on his front with the towel still wrapped around his waist. At four he awoke screaming. At six he awoke sobbing. He got up and put the coffee on and put fresh water and some dog treats down for Clooney. He then took a shower and got dressed today in combat pants and a long sleeved top. He was about twenty minutes late for work. Again.

-o-o-o-

Dave also double locked his door and set the alarm. He also said hello to the dogs and put down fresh water and treats. Rossi however wasn't burdened with nightmares and he wasn't afraid of the shadows and he didn't stare at his own reflection in the window until he could hardly stand. Dave cooked up a quick stir-fry and after having a shower he relaxed and watched a documentary about polar bears. He had a early night. He knew that at some point in the night the dogs would start barking and he would have to get up and settle them again. A couple of doggy choc buttons and they were asleep once more on the bean bag bed they had in the hallway.

-o-o-o-

As soon as Spencer stepped through the door it started. His cell phone began to ring. It was always the same. At first he wondered if it was some fault with the electronics. The phone didn't register the calls – and he had never managed to answer it quick enough to hear if there was someone the other end of the line. Even with the cell turned off it still rang. It seemed to be for exactly six minutes. Then it would stop and start up again half an hour later. He put the phone on mute and stuffed into the bottom of his bag. The bag and jacket he dumped on the floor and his shoes he kicked off and left them where they landed. He had half an hour of peace and in that time he would take a shower, with the door tightly locked and facing said door at all times. He even showered in his boxers.

When washed and dried he went quickly to the bedroom and pulled a fresh lot of clothing out of his cupboard. Not the normal 'Spencer' get up. He was in black jeans and a tight black vest which he hurriedly tucked in and then pulled a pair of dark trainers on and he brushed his fingers through his hair. The belt he added had a loop for him to attach his keys to and his wallet with only a small amount of cash in it went in his front jeans pocket.

Reid was in and out of his apartment before the phone started to vibrate again in his bag.

Again he took public transport. He sat with his arms tightly around him and his legs crossed pulling himself as close into him self as he could. Where he was going he didn't want to stand out in the crowd. He wanted to fade into the back ground and just observe.

He knew he was out there. He could sense him. He could almost taste the musk in the air where he had been. He needed to find him. He wasn't going to permit yet another person to just abandon him, not right at the point he realised finally what it was he wanted.

The streets were packed. Every night a party night at this end of the town. A special kind of place. One where he could just slide along in the shadows and usually be ignored. Any form of heckling from passing cars he ignored. Kept his head down and let his mind pull him to where he needed to go.

Tonight he found he was standing at the opening of a well known little side street.

It was used for selling more than one kind of thing and the smell was thick and cloying.

Spencer rubbed at his nose with the back of his hand just to be sure he was smelling what he thought he was.

Floyd had been here. Maybe still was. He looked up and down the dark street. The security lights along here had long been broken. People didn't want to be illuminated as they did their thing or purchased what they needed.

His jaw was aching and it was only now that he realised that he had been clenching his teeth tightly together. A hand slid over his back.

"What you after?" A small dark skinned youth looked up at Reid.

He looked down at him and rubbed at his temples. "I'm looking for someone."

A gapped toothed grin was part of the reply. "Well you came to the right place then. Let me give you a tour."

"No – no it's alright. It's a particular person I am looking for."

The guy took hold of Reid's arm and started to drag him into the dark. "So what does the mystery man look like?"

"Oh – er – five ten. Long dark hair, dark eyes, funny smell, sometimes in glasses but not often, erm – boots and probably a waistcoat."

Spencer felt the hand tighten on his arm. "No – no you don't want to be looking for him. He's not right that one."

Reid again turned to look at the shorter man. "You know him?"

"Seen him – heard the stories – seen what he leaves behind. You really want to go home if that's what you are after."

Reid pushed the hand off his arm. "What he's left behind?"

"They say he sucks the very soul out of a person."

A frown. "And you have seen this?"

"I told you didn't I? I hear the stories."

"No – you said – you said that you've seen what he leaves behind."

"Well I exaggerated a bit. What's the great need anyway? He's a cheap junky whore. Only comes down here to give blow jobs in exchange for something."

"I see. In exchange for what?" Reid started to walk down the dark street. The moans and mumbles and groans going on around him he ignored.

"Different things….usually drugs."

"Right. He is prostituting himself for drugs. Wonderful."

"He does it good…heard guys who are willing to sell him their sisters for a blow from that dark one."

"This is getting better all the time."

"I'm told he's good." The little guy was hanging onto Spencer's arm again.

"I know! I know! Why do you think I'm looking for him?!" He was pulled up to a stop.

"You know from personal experience?"

A quick nod.

"Then you're fucked mate….he never repeats."

"He will me."

"You sound very sure of yourself."

"Are you going to help me find him or not?" Reid was getting annoyed with this distorted information.

The hand went from his arm. "You're on your own on this one. Good luck."

He didn't find him. He looked until the early hours of the morning and all he managed to do was fork out a few dollars just to prove he was the filth Floyd had always said he was.

Back at home he stripped and put the smelly sweaty clothes in the wash. At least now he knew he was looking in the right area. He would find him. He had something of his he needed to return.

Spencer spent longer under the shower this time. Washing in hotter water and using more soaps on his pale skin and in his hair. He ran his hands quickly over his skin. He was running out of time. Faster and faster he rubbed at his now pink flushed flesh gritting his teeth hard as he removed the scum from his body.

He didn't bother drying himself. No time. He needed to be quick now. He raced from the bathroom in a pair of boxers sticking to his wet skin – his feet sliding on the wooden floor. He fairly threw himself into the bed room and slammed the door behind him and flicked the lock across.

Out of breath now he stood in the darkness.

"I'm – I'm here."

There was no answer. There was never an answer. Not a real one.

He knelt down on the floor next to the bed which hadn't been slept in for weeks and placed his hands in front of him. He dipped his head down and for a minute or two looked at the growing puddle of drool collecting on the floor. Then he closed his eyes and waited for his alarm to go off at six.

-o-o-o-

He stood in the shadows and watched her looking through the window. He was so close he could have reached out a hand and touched her soul, but he left her and her silent tears. She wasn't for him. There was only one he wanted now and he had let him down so severely that he knew that he had lost him forever. He wiped a hand across his mouth and readjusted his clothing whilst passing down some money to the lad kneeling in front of him. "Go away."

"I'm not done."

"I know. Go away."

"Whatever." The money was taken from his hand and the lad scuttled away back into the shadows.

He looked back up at Emily who had pressed the palm of her hands onto the glass. "Go to sleep. I'll see you in your dreams."

Floyd pulled back and walked away

-o-o-o-

Hotch dreamed of feeling empty. As though someone had reached in a removed his essence. He dreamed of falling and of no one being there to catch him. He dreamed of people watching and accusing and laughing and mocking as he fell endlessly into nothing.

Aaron awoke with tears on his face and strange uneven breaths as though he had been crying. He rubbing his aching hands together and shook the feeling off. Laying down on his right side he pulled the throw from the back of the couch over him and went back to sleep.

-o-o-o-

Spencer didn't dream. Spencer didn't sleep – he kept perfectly still and felt the scar on the back of his neck tingle as a reminder.

A/N: OK once again let me know if this is worth continuing. Thank you! Pb tin XOX