Title: One Drink too Many
By: neonyellow
Pairing: Mundungus/Sirius
Rated: R
Warnings: silly drunken humor, slash
Summary: Mundungus's favorite game has always led to interesting results.
Notes: Written for lj user= brunogreengras, who wanted some Mundungus slash.
One Drink too Many
"Go on, I jus' answered one, yeh gotta, too."
"Ah, Dung, I don't want to."
"Yeh gotta."
"What if I don't have an answer?"
"Yeh gotta have an answer."
"Oh fine." Sirius tilted his chair back, taking a rather large swig of whisky. "What was the question again?"
Dung laughed, "Yeh 'aven't been drunk in a while, huh?"
"They don't exactly pass out the booze in Azkaban." Dung snorted.
"Yeh got a point 'ere."
"Would have been a better stay, if they had, though."
Dung smirked and tipped back another large mouthful of whisky.
"Question?" Sirius prompted.
"Oh yeah." Mundungus took another deep drink from his bottle and smirked, "Worst lay?"
Sirius paled. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on the kitchen table, "I really have to answer this?"
"It's the rules o' the game."
"Oh fine." Sirius drank from his bottle and sighed, "You're not repeating this?"
"Tha' depends."
"On what?"
"Whether yeh tell any o' the things I told yeh to anyone else."
"If I don't tell?"
"Then I won't tell yer secrets." Dung raised an eyebrow, "Worst lay?" He repeated.
"Snape. Sixth year." His voice was hardly audible, and he stared fixedly at the table.
"Yeh did slimy old Snape? What the bloody 'ell yeh ever touch 'im fer?" Dung shook his head, rolling his eyes, "Well, yeh wouldn't 'ave to use lube. Yeh got 'is grease fer that." He muttered.
Sirius snorted, resting his now empty bottle on the table. He spelled it over to the rubbish bin, where a good pile of empty bottles of whisky were piling up, and summoned another one to his hand.
"It was a dare. We wanted to know why he was following us around. Moony thought maybe he liked me. Turned out old Moony was right."
"Don't mean yeh gotta touch the bastard."
"Yeah, but when I told the whole school he was queer and infatuated with me the next day, it certainly made up for it." Dung laughed, burping loudly, clinking his glass bottle on the table.
"Good, got the bastard back. 'Ere, 'ere to that." He took a large drink of his whisky, finishing it, "Smoke?" He offered, taking a pack out of his pocket.
Sirius took one and lit it, puffing on the end fitfully.
"Yer question."
"Dung," Sirius said, "Why are we playing this game anyway? Oh, and that doesn't count as your question."
"Good game to play when yer drunk." He told him nonchalantly, taking a puff of his cigarette.
"So now I have to ask you?"
"Yup."
Sirius smirked, "I have a good one." Dung raised an eyebrow, "Out of all the Order, who would you want to do?"
Dung barked out a laugh and sipped his fresh bottle of whisky, "Well, le' me think." He paused for a moment to inhale, "Well, I wouldn't wan' to do Lupin, 'cause frankly, I think he's probably some scary ass topper, who wouldn't le' me be in charge. It's the quiet ones yeh gotta watch out fer."
Sirius stifled a choke and spat out a good mouthful of alcohol, "Shit." He muttered, casting a cleaning spell on the table, "You have no idea how right you are."
Dung looked up, "Seriously? Yeh've done 'im?"
"Yeah. Wasn't the greatest time I've had either." Dung grinned wildly.
"What 'e do?"
"Chained me to the bed and insisted I call him sir."
Dung slapped his knee, chuckling, "Knew it," He declared.
"So, back to the question." Sirius prompted,
"And, no offense to yer taste, but I wouldn't touch Snape wit a seven foot pole."
"It wasn't exactly my idea, you know." Sirius took another gulp of whisky and swallowed, trying to focus his eyes, but finding he was having a rather difficult time doing so.
"Dumbledore probably 'as an ol' wrinkly cock." Sirius nearly choked on his drink again, "Minerva's tits sag. Hagrid would crush me. Molly'd kill me if I touched any of 'er family, so that cuts out those hot redheads. Bully to that."
"Very true." Sirius agreed, smiling.
"Bet tha' Bill 'as a great mouth."
"Probably Charlie, too." They both grinned drunkenly.
"They'd be a nice pair to take home wit yeh, huh?"
"I'd enjoy that." Sirius gazed off, stubbing out his cigarette.
"Moody probably lost 'is cock in the line o' duty, and now uses a strap- on." Dung faked a gag, taking a large drink from his bottle, "Tha' leaves Kingsley, 'e's got a great arse, and Tonks, tha' could be fun. She's a wha' do yeh call it, a megamophermegus?"
"Metamorphmagus." He corrected, slurring slightly.
"Yeah, whatever. And Hestia, nice tits on that one."
"For sure." Sirius said, feeling groggy.
"Oh, and yeh, o' course." Sirius smirked.
"No rude comment about dog breath?"
"Nah, do I look like Snape?" He posed.
"No, you're not that ugly. So who'd it be? Kingsley, Tonks, Hestia, or me?"
Mundungus cocked his head to one side, as if measuring Sirius up, "Well," He said after a moment, "It's between yeh and Tonks, but Tonks is winnin' 'cause she could always jus' turn into yeh, if I asked 'er real nice like."
Sirius laughed, "I'm offended." He mocked, giggling in a way only the drunk can, "You picked a girl over me."
"Sorry 'bout that, mate." Dung said cheekily, "But yeh know, I could always change my mind, if I 'ad the right incentive."
"And what would that incentive be?" Sirius asked, leaning forward on his elbows.
"Proof that yeh're any good."
Sirius grinned, placing his half empty bottle on the table with a loud thud. He stood up and walked drunkenly over to Dung, swaying slightly. He collapsed on his lap, grinning as he wrapped his arms around his shoulders.
"And what proof do you need, my dear Dung?" Sirius breathed, leaning in towards the older man, so their foreheads touched. His breath reeked of strong alcohol, and his eyes were slightly unfocused.
"I think yeh may 'ave 'ad one drink too many." Dung told him, faking a serious tone. But then he pressed their lips together, kissing wetly in a drunken haze. Their mouths worked together roughly, both of their stubble rubbing the other's, as Sirius twined his fingers in Dung's hair.
They pulled apart, both breathless, "Not bad." Dung muttered, "But Tonks'd be better." Sirius growled and pushed their mouths together a second time, shoving his tongue in fully. Dung, happily surprised, kissed back.
"What do you say now?"
"Hmm." Dung pondered, grinning, "Perhaps I need a better demonstration."
Sirius raised an eyebrow, "I think the alcohol is effecting your brain. You think I'd actually do you?" He posed, cheekily.
"I bet yeh've been after me since before Azkaban." He slurred.
"Yeah, it's definitely the whisky."
"Like yeh're not completely smashed outta yer mind. Yeh can hardly sit straight."
"Maybe I'd fair better in bed." Dung pushed Sirius off of his lap and stood up, griping the table to keep from falling over.
"Knew yeh'd warm up to me, Dog Breath." Dung staggered over to Sirius and pulled him out of the kitchen and into the parlor, heading for the stairs.
"Don't call me Dog Breath." Sirius muttered, though he lacked any sort of conviction.
"So yeh're not into any kinky bestiality, dog sex, then?" He asked, disappointed.
"Not with you, anyway." Sirius said cockily.
"Tonks is winnin' again, compared to yeh being a prude."
"I'm no prude."
"Prove it."
Sirius paused, tripping over the first stair and landing hard on the floor. Dung laughed and offered him his hand, but Sirius only batted it away.
"Fine." He said proudly, hooking his thumbs over Dung's trousers and pulling down. "I will."
By: neonyellow
Pairing: Mundungus/Sirius
Rated: R
Warnings: silly drunken humor, slash
Summary: Mundungus's favorite game has always led to interesting results.
Notes: Written for lj user= brunogreengras, who wanted some Mundungus slash.
One Drink too Many
"Go on, I jus' answered one, yeh gotta, too."
"Ah, Dung, I don't want to."
"Yeh gotta."
"What if I don't have an answer?"
"Yeh gotta have an answer."
"Oh fine." Sirius tilted his chair back, taking a rather large swig of whisky. "What was the question again?"
Dung laughed, "Yeh 'aven't been drunk in a while, huh?"
"They don't exactly pass out the booze in Azkaban." Dung snorted.
"Yeh got a point 'ere."
"Would have been a better stay, if they had, though."
Dung smirked and tipped back another large mouthful of whisky.
"Question?" Sirius prompted.
"Oh yeah." Mundungus took another deep drink from his bottle and smirked, "Worst lay?"
Sirius paled. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on the kitchen table, "I really have to answer this?"
"It's the rules o' the game."
"Oh fine." Sirius drank from his bottle and sighed, "You're not repeating this?"
"Tha' depends."
"On what?"
"Whether yeh tell any o' the things I told yeh to anyone else."
"If I don't tell?"
"Then I won't tell yer secrets." Dung raised an eyebrow, "Worst lay?" He repeated.
"Snape. Sixth year." His voice was hardly audible, and he stared fixedly at the table.
"Yeh did slimy old Snape? What the bloody 'ell yeh ever touch 'im fer?" Dung shook his head, rolling his eyes, "Well, yeh wouldn't 'ave to use lube. Yeh got 'is grease fer that." He muttered.
Sirius snorted, resting his now empty bottle on the table. He spelled it over to the rubbish bin, where a good pile of empty bottles of whisky were piling up, and summoned another one to his hand.
"It was a dare. We wanted to know why he was following us around. Moony thought maybe he liked me. Turned out old Moony was right."
"Don't mean yeh gotta touch the bastard."
"Yeah, but when I told the whole school he was queer and infatuated with me the next day, it certainly made up for it." Dung laughed, burping loudly, clinking his glass bottle on the table.
"Good, got the bastard back. 'Ere, 'ere to that." He took a large drink of his whisky, finishing it, "Smoke?" He offered, taking a pack out of his pocket.
Sirius took one and lit it, puffing on the end fitfully.
"Yer question."
"Dung," Sirius said, "Why are we playing this game anyway? Oh, and that doesn't count as your question."
"Good game to play when yer drunk." He told him nonchalantly, taking a puff of his cigarette.
"So now I have to ask you?"
"Yup."
Sirius smirked, "I have a good one." Dung raised an eyebrow, "Out of all the Order, who would you want to do?"
Dung barked out a laugh and sipped his fresh bottle of whisky, "Well, le' me think." He paused for a moment to inhale, "Well, I wouldn't wan' to do Lupin, 'cause frankly, I think he's probably some scary ass topper, who wouldn't le' me be in charge. It's the quiet ones yeh gotta watch out fer."
Sirius stifled a choke and spat out a good mouthful of alcohol, "Shit." He muttered, casting a cleaning spell on the table, "You have no idea how right you are."
Dung looked up, "Seriously? Yeh've done 'im?"
"Yeah. Wasn't the greatest time I've had either." Dung grinned wildly.
"What 'e do?"
"Chained me to the bed and insisted I call him sir."
Dung slapped his knee, chuckling, "Knew it," He declared.
"So, back to the question." Sirius prompted,
"And, no offense to yer taste, but I wouldn't touch Snape wit a seven foot pole."
"It wasn't exactly my idea, you know." Sirius took another gulp of whisky and swallowed, trying to focus his eyes, but finding he was having a rather difficult time doing so.
"Dumbledore probably 'as an ol' wrinkly cock." Sirius nearly choked on his drink again, "Minerva's tits sag. Hagrid would crush me. Molly'd kill me if I touched any of 'er family, so that cuts out those hot redheads. Bully to that."
"Very true." Sirius agreed, smiling.
"Bet tha' Bill 'as a great mouth."
"Probably Charlie, too." They both grinned drunkenly.
"They'd be a nice pair to take home wit yeh, huh?"
"I'd enjoy that." Sirius gazed off, stubbing out his cigarette.
"Moody probably lost 'is cock in the line o' duty, and now uses a strap- on." Dung faked a gag, taking a large drink from his bottle, "Tha' leaves Kingsley, 'e's got a great arse, and Tonks, tha' could be fun. She's a wha' do yeh call it, a megamophermegus?"
"Metamorphmagus." He corrected, slurring slightly.
"Yeah, whatever. And Hestia, nice tits on that one."
"For sure." Sirius said, feeling groggy.
"Oh, and yeh, o' course." Sirius smirked.
"No rude comment about dog breath?"
"Nah, do I look like Snape?" He posed.
"No, you're not that ugly. So who'd it be? Kingsley, Tonks, Hestia, or me?"
Mundungus cocked his head to one side, as if measuring Sirius up, "Well," He said after a moment, "It's between yeh and Tonks, but Tonks is winnin' 'cause she could always jus' turn into yeh, if I asked 'er real nice like."
Sirius laughed, "I'm offended." He mocked, giggling in a way only the drunk can, "You picked a girl over me."
"Sorry 'bout that, mate." Dung said cheekily, "But yeh know, I could always change my mind, if I 'ad the right incentive."
"And what would that incentive be?" Sirius asked, leaning forward on his elbows.
"Proof that yeh're any good."
Sirius grinned, placing his half empty bottle on the table with a loud thud. He stood up and walked drunkenly over to Dung, swaying slightly. He collapsed on his lap, grinning as he wrapped his arms around his shoulders.
"And what proof do you need, my dear Dung?" Sirius breathed, leaning in towards the older man, so their foreheads touched. His breath reeked of strong alcohol, and his eyes were slightly unfocused.
"I think yeh may 'ave 'ad one drink too many." Dung told him, faking a serious tone. But then he pressed their lips together, kissing wetly in a drunken haze. Their mouths worked together roughly, both of their stubble rubbing the other's, as Sirius twined his fingers in Dung's hair.
They pulled apart, both breathless, "Not bad." Dung muttered, "But Tonks'd be better." Sirius growled and pushed their mouths together a second time, shoving his tongue in fully. Dung, happily surprised, kissed back.
"What do you say now?"
"Hmm." Dung pondered, grinning, "Perhaps I need a better demonstration."
Sirius raised an eyebrow, "I think the alcohol is effecting your brain. You think I'd actually do you?" He posed, cheekily.
"I bet yeh've been after me since before Azkaban." He slurred.
"Yeah, it's definitely the whisky."
"Like yeh're not completely smashed outta yer mind. Yeh can hardly sit straight."
"Maybe I'd fair better in bed." Dung pushed Sirius off of his lap and stood up, griping the table to keep from falling over.
"Knew yeh'd warm up to me, Dog Breath." Dung staggered over to Sirius and pulled him out of the kitchen and into the parlor, heading for the stairs.
"Don't call me Dog Breath." Sirius muttered, though he lacked any sort of conviction.
"So yeh're not into any kinky bestiality, dog sex, then?" He asked, disappointed.
"Not with you, anyway." Sirius said cockily.
"Tonks is winnin' again, compared to yeh being a prude."
"I'm no prude."
"Prove it."
Sirius paused, tripping over the first stair and landing hard on the floor. Dung laughed and offered him his hand, but Sirius only batted it away.
"Fine." He said proudly, hooking his thumbs over Dung's trousers and pulling down. "I will."