Title: Missed Oppurtunities
Author: Phaedra's Love
Fandom: BtVS/Ats
Pairing: Faith/Fred
Disclaimer: Fred and Faith do not belong to me. All that you see here belongs to Joss.
i If I'm such a legend, then why am I so lonely? Let me tell you, legends are all very well if you've got somebody around who loves you. Judy Garland /i
When Faith looks at Fred she can't help but see missed oppurtunities.
She knows it's not fair to Fred, she fucking knows it. Fred didn't even know her back in her less sane days and personally Faith thinks she prefers it that way. When Fred's eyes meet her she doesn't see the dower cast of judgement behind the warm hazel orbs, doesn't wonder when the knife will sink into her back. Those simple facts alone send confusing warm shivers down her spine, force her to continue building walls around herself. She's like a finely woven fortress safe from the pain of the outside world. The problem has always been the truth, and the truth is it doesn't matter if you build your walls from stone or bubble gum eventually somebody finds a way to bulldoze their way through them.
Fred is like a bulldozer whereas Buffy had been like a tiny dark spy, a siphon of regret and duty. Once upon a time Buffy had stolen her way in, sneaked in like a spy wielding a knife that should have been her's. Missed oppurtunity. Buffy wanted Faith but only the parts she could pick apart and dissect, Fred wants the entire package.
Fred knows what she wants and she wants the Rogue Slayer, has since the moment she first laid eyes on her. Faith can still feel the warmth of Fred's gaze on her back, can still feel the taste of her will caving in. Faith can throw a thousand defenses at Fred and she simply pushes her way through them, relenting only when Faith has finally given in and given up.
She alone. She's heard half a billion times and Faith might not be the pinnacle of all things good and just but every slayer knows that she's destined to walk through life alone. B broke all the rules with Angel and then again with Riley and Spike, but if there's one thing Faith's sure of it's that Buffy is the only one allowed to break the rules. When everyone loves you regardless of what you do there's a certain stigma of freedom that gets attached to your name.
Faith walked out of prison once but she's never been free.
She doesn't deserve something so completely good. When Fred grabs her hand she thinks about the invisible blood staining it, she thinks about the Deputy Mayor, the Volcanologist, or even worse Wesley. She thinks about all of the things she's done and marvels that Fred still wants her, pursues her with a relentlessness reserved only for sweet Southern Belles with a wild streak ten miles long as soon as the bedroom doors close the outside world off.
And it's so good Faith can hardly deal with it. Not just the sex but Fred. Just when Faith thinks she understands something about the willowy Texan she learns ten thousand things more and she's enraptured.
"You look lonely." Fred says to the dark silhouette colored against the night sky, the burn of a cigarette ember leading her to Faith.
"Thought you were sleepin'." Faith shrugs, still watching the dark landscaping but ever conscious of the brown eyes that follow her.
"I was sleeping until I reached over for you and you weren't there."
There's no hint of guilt in Fred's voice, no whisper of regret, only concern and Faith finds herself grateful for it even if she knows this like all things are fleeting.
"Sorry. Needed a smoke."
"It's okay." Fred murmurs, coming up behind the smaller girl and wrapping her arms around Faith's waist. "It was getting cold in bed without you."
"Cold?" Faith grins and spins around, casting her half-smoked cigarette aside. "We're in Southern California. You don't even know what cold is."
But I could show you.
She instantly regrets the thought. Sharp. Blunt. Hot. Cold. Loud. It comes back to haunt her each and every night and no matter how far she runs or how hard she tries to hide in her warm little nest with Fred it always comes back.
"Let's go back to bed." Faith finally relents, slipping her hand into Fred's and heading back inside their warm house.
Faith wants to save all these moments, capture them in a photograph and hide them away in the corners of her mind where no one (not even Buffy) can find them. She's tired of missed oppurtunities and she knows that one of these days she's going to find a way to screw it all up and Fred will leave.
It's only a matter of time.