my first slash series... hope you like it!

disclaimer: really? i. do. not. own. big. time. freaking. rush.

It was tonight. The first concert, ever. I had to do this perfectly.

Glancing at the clock again, I let out a heavy sigh. It was only 2 in the morning, and I hadn't even fallen asleep for a few minutes last night.

I got up and flipped on the light, forgetting that James was still asleep in the bed next to mine.

"Dammit, Kendall!" He rolled over onto his stomach and pulled a pillow over his head. "What the hell? I'm trying to sleep so I'm not crabby for the concert."

The clock had only ticked by two minutes. This night was going to take forever.

"What's wrong with you?" James asked again.

"I can't sleep. I don't know why, I guess I'm just anxious about tonight."

"What do you want me to do about it? I won't be any good if you don't turn off the damn light and let me sleep!"

I just looked at the floor sheepishly. "I don't know. You're usually good at calming people down."

"Go. To. Sleep. If you don't… let me just say that you don't want to know what I'll do to you if you don't go to sleep."

I felt so wrong inside. Like, I'd lost my stomach. It just felt so weird in my gut to have those words thrown at me so viciously.

James groaned and lifted his head. "You okay?"

I just looked at him. His sandy-brown hair was sticking up on the left side, making him look like a deranged lunatic. His brown eyes were looking me over carefully, trying to find an explanation without me needing to say anything.

I remembered when we were only 9 years old. We were so carefree then. We didn't have any complicated responsibilities, like we do today.

He looked almost the same as he did, with the shaggy brown hair and cautious smile that would draw people in unintentionally. He had those smooth features – almost feminine.

Five minutes have gone by, now.

James got out of his bed and came over to me, arms stretched out and offering a hug.

I put my arms around him, not really putting my full heart into the hug like I usually did. I guess it was just my anxiety getting the best of me.

Suddenly, my legs collapsed from under me, and I fell fully into James' arms. He lugged me onto his bed, even though mine was closer.

Then he lie down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders in a brotherly way. "Just go to sleep. No Sand-Man-Deceiver can resist the 'Arms of James.'"

Honestly, I tried to fall asleep. I really did. But something in my gut just told me to stay awake.

I let my head rest on his shoulder. I felt his fingers run gently through my shaggy blonde hair.

Suddenly, he just pushed me away. "Go. Just go get in your own bed."

"But I-"

"It's too hard for me. Just go." He flipped over onto his side, his back towards me.

"James?" I asked once I was in my own bed. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing… it's just… nothing."

"James, tell me. You're my best friend."

He rolled over so that he was facing me. "Kendall… promise not to tell anyone?"

"Of course."

"I'm… I'm gay, and I'm trying to get over it. But with you there… it was just too hard. I'm sorry."

Oh. Wow.

I just stared at him for a while.

"Kendall?" he asked.

"Have you ever…" My voice was shaky. "Wanted… me?"

"No. Not you, or Logan, or Carlos. Just other people."

"Like who?"

"No one you know. Trust me. I just… I wanted to get the urge out of me before the concert… but it wasn't working."

"Really?" I asked. "I didn't notice much."

"Seriously? Because I don't want the tabloids to find out."

"James, your secret is safe with me."

He let out a relieved sigh. "Thank you, so much."

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