The one that got away

by blowflylaura

I think the title is pretty self-explanatory but please read to find out more :

The one that got away:

"What do you want babe? From the future."

"What would you say if I said you?"

She kissed me softly before speaking. "I'd say, perfect answer."

Sometimes when I see a flash of brown hair, my heart beats that little bit faster at the thought that it might be her. Although I know it won't be. Whenever I watch a romantic comedy, I'm reminded of the times we used to watch them together. I often think about what she's doing, where she is, if she's happy. The decision to let her go was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I take comfort in the knowledge that it was the right thing to do.

People who don't know me pigeon-hole me by the way I behave. Honestly, since I lost her, I've been very promiscuous and that's putting it lightly. I have sort of a reputation for sleeping with random girls so much so that girls approach me in night clubs with only one expectation. I don't want to sound cocky or arrogant but I always live up to their expectations. They walk away happy but me, I'm left feeling empty.

There is a reason for my abject promiscuity; I'm trying to feel something, anything. I'm trying to fill the hole inside me which she left. Even though I know it's not possible because I can't just replace her.

She's my soul mate.

None of the girls I sleep with are anything more than a one-night stand; I've never had any feelings for them. I've never allowed myself to have feelings for anybody other than her because deep down I feel like I'm being unfaithful to her. I refuse to fall for anybody because my heart is already taken. She has my heart and she always will.

We started dating a couple of months into year 13. We both met in our first year at Sixth Form College and after having an initial frosty meeting, we soon became firm friends. And that friendship grew into a romance a few weeks after my birthday.

We were at a party to celebrate New Year's Eve when we first kissed. The countdown had begun on the TV and everybody in the house was chanting the numbers but Sophie and I were in the garden, sitting on the swing bench. When the clock struck midnight she kissed me for the first time. When I was younger my mum would tell me superstitions that she believed in and one of those was that failing to kiss somebody at the stroke of midnight was unlucky and a year of loneliness would follow. However, I later found out that a year of loneliness could follow despite a midnight kiss.

Things progressed steadily after New Year's Eve. Due to the fact that we had been such good friends, the best of friends even, I had expected an air of awkwardness to surround us but that was non-existent and after a couple of dates, we became official. It may sound cheesy but I quickly fell head over heels for her and as a result I became something I swore I would never be. I became a soppy love-struck teenager. Sophie was it for me; I decided that the first time she kissed me.

The thing about the one that got away is you never know who it will be. You could date a vast amount of people and never know whether one of those was the person you were supposed to be with. I never knew Sophie would become the one that got away until she actually left and I felt my heart break.

It was my fault entirely that she left and in hindsight I could have probably gone about breaking up with her in a better way but I just needed to get it over with before I chickened out. When I was six, my dad earned a promotion which led to my family and me moving from London to Manchester, I had to move schools and my mum had to leave her job and friends. When I was ten, I asked her why she didn't put up a fight and ask him to stay in London and the words she told me have stuck with me to this day.

She said, because when you love somebody, you put their needs before your own. You don't think about it, you just do it.

After I broke up with Sophie, I recited those words to myself time and time again, trying to convince myself that I had done the right thing. But doing the right thing for one person can inadvertently hurt another.

"You don't need to do this."

I could hear the quiet desperation in her voice. I didn't need to look at her to know that her eyes were watering and I knew it wouldn't take long before she began to cry. "Sophie, you're going to be miles away for the majority of the year, I just don't think we're going to make it."

Sophie frowned at me. "In case you didn't realise Sian, to make a relationship work, both people need to have a say." Her voice held nothing but anger and I could feel the guilt rising in the pit of my stomach before I suppressed it. "And I'm not just going to let you end this relationship."

"Maybe things would be different if we'd been together for two or three years but we've only been together for eight months Sophie."

"I know how long we've been together."

I exhaled heavily, my hand coming to rest on my forehead. I was positive that she could see I was struggling to break up with her. "I'm staying here and you're going to Dublin, we couldn't be further apart. We'd have to board a plane every time we wanted to see each other, either that or get the boat. We'll just be too far apart."

"So what you're saying is you can't be bothered making the trip?"

"No, of course not." I said.

"Well clearly that is what you're saying." Sophie stated angrily. "I would happily board a plane or get the boat if it meant I could see you."

My guilt was threatening to make another appearance. "We'll be living separate lives; I just think it'll be for the best if we break up."

"Best for whom?"

"This way you can start afresh at university." I reasoned, although I was rapidly running out of things to try and convince her that this break-up was necessary. Especially when I didn't even believe what I was saying.

"I don't want to start afresh." Sophie said, her voice breaking slightly. "I want you."

"You might change your mind at university; I mean you'll be meeting a lot of new people."

Sophie's eyes widened. "Do you think I'd cheat on you?" Her voice held disbelief. "Because I would never do that, I would never hurt you like that."

"That's not what I'm saying." I sighed heavily. "Sophie, please stop making this so difficult."

"Oh I'm sorry; I don't mean to disrupt your plans of breaking up with me."

I closed my eyes slowly but not before a silent tear fell down my cheek. "If we stayed together, we'd make it till Christmas, if we're lucky." I explained. "What with your university work and my job here, we would hardly see each other and as a result of that when we finally did see each other we'd argue about the lack of time we'd spent together and I don't want my last memory of you to be an argument." I opened my eyes to gage her reaction.

Sophie's bottom lip began to quiver gently. "Then I'll stay here."

Her voice was so quiet I had to strain my ears to hear her. "What?"

"If going to Dublin means losing you, then I won't go."

I took a step closer to her and to my surprise she didn't back away. "Soph." I brushed some of her hair behind her ear, looking her directly in the eye. "You can't do that. You've wanted to go to Trinity College to study law since you were young. It's your dream."

"I can defer entry." She said quickly. I could see by the shy glint in her eye that she was desperate to find a solution. "I can go next year. I mean you've just said, things would be different if we'd been together longer."

I tugged my bottom lip between my teeth. She was making this harder but I couldn't break. I knew that what I was doing would be better for her in the long run. I prided myself on the fact that I knew Sophie better than anybody, I knew how important her dreams were for her but I also knew how much she loved me. Given the choice between her dreams and me, I knew which she'd pick and I couldn't be the person she gave up her dreams for. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I knew what I was about to do would crush her but I had no other choice. She needed to go to Dublin and fulfil her dreams. "I lied."

"What?"

"Sophie, it doesn't matter if you go to university in Ireland now or next year or two years from now, our relationship won't be able to take the long distance." I said, avoiding her penetrating gaze. "I'm sorry but we're over."

I looked up from the carpet when she didn't speak. She was crying.

I've only ever seen Sophie cry once before. She's famous for bottling her feelings up and not telling anybody how she really feels. Ironically the only time I've ever seen her cry is when we were watching The Lion King. Now she wasn't crying because of an animated film, she was crying because of me.

The ache in my chest was becoming unbearable.

"I love you Sian." Her voice was incredibly soft. "Please don't do this."

I cupped her cheek softly, holding her waist with my free hand as she tried to shrink away from my touch. "I love you too." I brought my lips to her forehead and allowed them to stay there momentarily before looking her in the eye. "Someday you'll thank me for this."

My hand was on the doorknob when she spoke again. "Why would I thank you for breaking my heart?"

"Because it's what I need to do." I said the words under my breath so Sophie couldn't hear me before I opened her bedroom door and walked away from her.

Even though Rosie hated me for breaking her little sister's heart, she knew my real reasons, as did her parents. Because of that I managed to stay in contact with Rosie in Sophie's absence, after all we were living in close proximity. Sophie moved to Dublin three days after our break up and I didn't hear from her. She sent me a couple of texts and called me several times the day after our break up but I ignored them all.

It was too painful to talk to her.

I guess she soon got the message.

Sophie doesn't know about my friendship with Rosie, after university she decided to stay in Dublin. In her last year at university, she met a girl called Amy and quickly fell in love with her, or at least that's what Rosie told me. Rosie called me the other day warning me that Sophie was coming home. She said it wasn't for good, just a visit but she thought I should know.

Only two days later I received another phone call, this time from Sophie. She wanted to know whether we could meet up to talk. Hearing her voice for the first time in seven years made my heart skip a beat. It sounded huskier if anything but nevertheless sexy. Of course I jumped at the chance to see her again, I mean who wouldn't?

It's only now that I'm sitting on a bench in the park that I'm wondering whether I've made a mistake. Whether it will be too hard to see Sophie again after all these years. Those doubts are quickly washed away as she turns the corner and I see her for the first time in seven years. She is still irrevocably beautiful. Her brunette locks have been cut shorter so the ends rest on the top of her shoulders but other than that she's still exactly the same as I remember.

I stood up as she approached me. In my life I haven't really encountered many awkward situations but if I had, this moment would jump to the top of the list. She comes to a halt in front of me and I freeze. I have no idea what to do. A hug seems massively inappropriate and a kiss on the cheek is just out of the question. My eyes fall on my right hand as I contemplate extending it for her to shake before I shrug that suggestion off.

I coughed to clear my throat as I felt the sweat form on my palms. Even after seven years she still had the ability to make me unbelievably nervous. "How have you been?"

Sophie laughed. God I had missed her laugh. "That's seriously the first thing you're asking me."

I shrugged my shoulders as my cheeks filled with a pink tinge. "I don't really know what to say." I admitted shyly. "I never expected to see you again."

Sophie nodded in agreement. "I had no intention of seeing you again. Not after what you did."

Her voice held a certain harshness which made me flinch. "Then why did you want to meet me?"

She began to play with her hands and it was only then that I noticed the diamond embedded in a gold band sitting comfortably on her ring finger. She followed my gaze. "That's why I wanted to meet you." She said. "I'm getting married in two weeks back in Dublin."

"That's great." I blinked away the tears which were threatening to fall. "I'll make sure to get you a toaster."

Sophie laughed softly once again. "I don't want a toaster." She stole a glance at her watch. "The wedding's in Dublin, I've only come back home to sort out arrangements with my family."

"Somehow I doubt you wanted to meet me so you could hand me an invitation."

"No." I was surprised at the calmness in her voice. "I wanted to meet you because I need to know the truth."

"The truth about what?" I bit down hard on my bottom lip in preparation for the question I knew she would ask.

"Why did you break up with me?"

And there it was.

The million pound question.

The question that has probably been going round and round in her head for seven years. I knew she wouldn't buy my excuse because it wasn't correct. Truth was I would have jumped on a plane or a boat sans hesitation; hell I would have done anything for her. "You know why."

"No, I meant the real reason." Sophie said. "I'm not stupid Sian. It wasn't about the distance or how hard it would be, there was another reason, one you never told me." Sophie cocked her head to the side and looked at me. "Did I do something?"

"No, of course not."

Sophie furrowed her eyebrows. "Then what happened?" She asked. "We were happy; you never gave me any inclination that you weren't happy."

"That's because I was happy." I said. "I was ecstatic every single day we were together."

"Then why did you break up with me?" She shouted the words at me before remembering where she was and calming down. I could hear the frustration in her voice and it killed me. Here she was thinking that she had done something wrong when all she had done was been perfect.

"I was never good enough for you." I confessed for the first time.

"Says who?"

"You were willing to give up your dream for me." I said. "I couldn't let you do that."

Sophie frowned. "Don't you think that was my choice?" Her eyebrows furrowed before her mouth opened and closed. "You said I was willing to give up Dublin for you but I told you I would stay in Manchester after you said you were breaking up."

"Yes."

"How did you know I was willing to give up my dream for you?"

I sighed. "Your mum told me you'd been accepted to Manchester University." I explained. "After we found out that I didn't get into any university I knew you'd take the place at Manchester instead of the one you really wanted so that you could stay with me and I wasn't going to let you sacrifice your dream for me."

"So you decided to play the martyr and run away."

"I did what was best for you."

"No." Sophie shook her head fervently before coming closer to me, her finger pointed right at me. "You did what was best for you!"

"You really think I wanted to break up with you?"

Sophie shrugged her shoulders. "Well nobody told you to do that. Breaking up with me was all your decision." She said. "We could have figured something out."

"I couldn't hold you back."

"I choose what I do with my life, not you."

I rubbed my eyes harshly. "I did what I thought was right at the time. I let you go."

"What was right?" Sophie asked incredulously. "Why did you get to decide that? Why didn't I get a say?"

"Because you are such a good person, you would have done what is right for anybody else but yourself." I admitted. "You always put everybody else before yourself, I thought it was about time you came first."

Sophie took a seat on a nearby bench. "I thought about you every day when I was in Dublin. Especially the first year. Every time I saw blonde hair I foolishly believed that you'd come to correct your mistake. You'd come to apologise and win me back." She smiled sadly to herself. "But it was never you."

"I wanted to." I confessed. "I even bought the plane ticket. It was about a month after you'd left…" I thought about the dates in my head. "…or at least I think it was. I had it all planned out, I would go to Trinity College, tell you I loved you and I would have begged you to forgive me. To give me another chance."

"What happened?"

"I never boarded the plane."

Sophie brought her gaze to mine. "Why not?"

"I loved you too much to do it." I stated. "So I ripped up the ticket and left you to enjoy three years at university."

"Don't you think I'd have enjoyed it more if I'd had you?" She gave the charm bracelet on her right wrist a tug before speaking again, leaving her previous question hanging in the air. "Do you remember this?"

Of course I remembered. I gave her it and every single charm on it. As I scanned it I was actually surprised she hadn't added to it. "I gave you it for Valentine's day."

She unclasped it before standing and placing it in the palm of my hand. "Tell me what those charms mean."

"Sophie..."

"Tell me."

I fingered the charms, starting with the teddy bear. "I got you this charm because you have an obsession with cuddly toys." I trailed my finger over the next charm, the four leaf clover. "This was because you said you were the unluckiest person and I thought that maybe it would bring you some luck." My finger came to rest on the stocking. "This charm was because Christmas is your favourite holiday." I explained two other charms before touching the house. "This symbolised our future."

Sophie nodded at every explanation. "And that one?" She pointed to the only charm I hadn't mentioned. The one I had been too afraid to touch out of fear. She fingered the heart. "You said..."

"You would always have my heart." I finished her sentence for her.

"Yes." She agreed. "I would always have your heart and I said you would always have mine."

"That was seven years ago Sophie."

Sophie took the charm bracelet out of my hand and put it back on her wrist. "It doesn't matter how long ago it was, I meant what I said." She brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. "And I know you meant it too."

I ducked my head. "You were the one that got away Sophie." I wiped the tears which were steadily falling down my cheeks.

"I didn't go anywhere, you pushed me away."

I raised my head to look at her. "I regret letting you go every single day." I grabbed her hand and I could feel her engagement ring. I released her hand quickly as if I'd been burnt. "Are you happy?"

Sophie's eyes fell to the ring before coming back to mine. "Yes." That one word was like a knife through my chest. "But not as happy as I was with you."

It's amazing how a sentence so small can fill you with so much hope.

"What does that mean?"

"It means exactly what I said." A smile appeared on my face before her face hardened. "But you broke my heart and I'm getting married in two weeks."

"How can you get married?" I asked, my eyebrows furrowing. "If you're not happy..."

"I am."

"You're about to say yes to spending the rest of your life with somebody...you should be more than just happy. You should be ecstatic." I wondered if she'd noticed the word I'd used was how I had described my feelings during our relationship. The ways her eyes dropped from mine to the floor told me she had.

Sophie played with her engagement ring. "I don't know what you want from me. Do you want me to ruin my relationship because you just told me that you shouldn't have let me go?"

"No." I admitted. "I know I lost my chance when I broke up with you and I don't ever expect you to forgive me but I just needed you to know that I regret it and that I will always love you."

She stomped her right foot almost like a petulant child having a strop. "That right there is why I'm not leaving my fiancée."

"What do you mean?"

"You're just going to let me walk away from you again!" Sophie shouted and her earlier frustration was reappearing.

I took a step closer to her and cupped her cheek, much like I had done back in her bedroom seven years ago. "I let you go once before because it was the right thing to do." I explained. "I'm letting you go now because you deserve to be with somebody who hasn't broken your heart."

"Do I not get a say again?"

I smiled at her naivety. "You can leave your fiancée if you want, you can be with me if you want and you can stop me from going if you want but you won't."

"How do you know?"

"Because you didn't stop me seven years ago." Sophie began to cry as the truth of my words hit her. I leaned closer to her, my lips just next to hers. I would only have to move mere inches and we'd be kissing but if I did that, I don't think I'd be able to stop. I took a step back from her. "Be ecstatic Sophie."

She didn't call after me as I walked away and when I turned around she had disappeared. That meeting was two years and I haven't seen her since. Whenever I see a wedding, I wonder if she went through with hers. I wonder if she's still just happy or whether she took my advice.

You only live once so I've often doubted my decision to let her go not once but twice. I've often thought that I should have thrown my worries away and instead begged her to stay but although that would have been beneficial for me, I would have been putting myself before her and since I've always put her first, I wasn't about to change that.

After I broke up with her, I never expected to see her again but I did. So who knows, maybe I'll see her again.

Maybe if I see her again things will be different.

I'm sure if you ask people about their love-lives, some will tell you about their current partners, others will tell you about past partners and some will mention that special somebody. The one who got away.

But maybe they have to be the one who got away in order for them to come back.