These Currents Are Still Killing Me
Summary: Post-3.08. Serena finds herself in an uncomfortable position as she tries to climb herself out of one of the low points in her life. Sort of Carter/Serena/Nate triangle.
Author's Note: I'm not using any spoilers. Anything that I mention happening after 3.08 is purely my speculation, I swear.
Disclaimer: I have no connection to Josh Schwartz or Stephanie Savage, but I am fully willing to give them my contact info if they wish to hire me.
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Chapter One: You Make Me Break
She rubbed her temples and let out a deep sigh. How could she have let everything get so out of control? Her life was falling apart before her very eyes, and she felt powerless to stop it. She had let herself believe she was so prepared – hiring paparazzi to guilt her dad into knowing her, taking on a job instead of going to college – "building a life," as Blair had so sarcastically called it.
But it was all a lie, wasn't it? It was all her way of hiding out so she wouldn't have to face the truth of her existence. A shallow, meaningless existence in which everything she received was because of who she was and never what she had done. And yet… When he had still been around, she'd allowed herself to believe she was working towards something. Towards that elusive life that would be magically built – with him in it.
He had gone, however, and it seemed he had taken it all with him. She refused to believe that she had fallen to pieces because of a man; she was stronger than that, surely. But he had been a security blanket, at least. No matter what happened out there in the real world – with the jobs and education (or lack thereof) and absentee fathers – he was there, egging her on, letting her know she was worth it. He would have stayed with her all summer, he said. Too bad summer turned into fall and he decided he wouldn't stay anymore.
She had driven him away – just like she had driven away her friends, her college, her family, her job. It seemed she was incapable of holding onto anyone or anything. Blair was gone, her father refused to be found, Carter would rather be on an oil rig in Texas than with her…
Sure, she had made up with Nate, at the very least. She had gotten a new job working for Tripp van der Bilt. But those things hadn't made up for what she had lost. In fact, she thought to herself, nearly groaning at the realization, they only made things worse.
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The ever-alluring Serena van der Woodsen had managed to unwittingly lure a married congressman into presenting her with quite an inappropriate proposition. She couldn't believe she had fallen so far as to put herself in that situation. Even worse, she couldn't believe she had almost allowed herself to accept.
It sickened her to think of how easily she had come under his spell. He seemed like such a safe man, like such a good friend. She should have known. No one listened to her problems unless they wanted something from her. And the only thing they ever wanted… Not that she could say she blamed him, of course. He was lonely, having condemned himself to living the same life Nate had been fighting for 18 years, and he'd thought she might be lonely, too. Besides, everyone in New York City pretty much agreed she was a prostitute, right?
So whom had she been able to turn to after wiping Tripp's sloppy kiss from her lips? None other than Nate, of course. Sweet, dependable Nate – always willing to lend a hand, except for when he would rather screw you over for a political campaign. She hadn't even thought herself capable of telling him the kind of man his idol was, but he had wrung it out of her in her distressed state. He had been heartbroken, of course, but somehow actually chose her over his family. He had renounced his work at Tripp's office, informed his grandfather of the situation, and actually gone to the trouble of telling Maureen. All in the name of defending Serena's honor. As much as that should have made her feel loved and cherished, it really just made her feel worse than ever. That was Serena for you – a home wrecker. A life-ruiner.
He'd been such a good friend to her these last few weeks, though, and she'd never forget it. He really was the only friend she had at the moment – Chuck and Eric, being siblings, did not really count. Not to mention that Chuck was busy sleeping with the enemy while Eric spent his time finding ways to overthrow the reign of Queen J. But Nate was there for her, really making her feel like she was a part of someone's world. They would go everywhere together nowadays, it seemed. All the laughter and late nights crashing at Chuck's penthouse reminded her of the old days. The days before she ruined everything the first time; back when she had three best friends and not a care in the world.
The way Nate's eyes would sparkle when they argued over the remote control also reminded her of the days before she left for boarding school, and she wasn't sure how she felt about that. Whenever they touched for too long, she found herself transported back to water fights in Blair's bathroom or bar stools at the Shepherd wedding, and she would have to extract herself from the situation immediately and go somewhere else. The problem was she didn't know if the memories were coming from Nate, from the way he would look at her, or if it was something inside of her. She hadn't thought about him in that way in so long, she didn't even remember what it was like to want him. She didn't know when he had gotten over her, but something in his smile when they were together made her think the answer was never.
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Maybe that's how she got to where was now: it had been so good to feel desired again. That might sound silly, seeing as everyone everywhere desired Serena. But this was something different. Nate wasn't a married politician, an ex-boyfriend now stepbrother, or a best friend's boyfriend. He was just a friend who might have a crush on her. It felt almost juvenile, but it was certainly sweet. So instead of talking to him about it, not wanting to ruin the only good thing she had going for her at the moment, she had decided to just let him run with it. Let him have his puppy love, seeing as he was so fond of it.
She had thought – or perhaps hoped was a better word – that his feelings for her would dissipate the way his feelings for so many others had. That he would just wake up one day and forget she was ever attractive to him. And then she would walk into a restaurant that same afternoon to find him dining with Penelope or Hazel. However, nothing like that seemed to happen. Weeks went by and he still wore that same lopsided grin when he answered the door, his eyes still shone like diamonds when she paid him a compliment, and he still insisted on paying when they went out to eat. For all intents and purposes, they were dating. Just without the verbalization or the extensive touching.
That arrangement had been working just fine for her until the night before when, after downing a few Martinis and wondering what in the world they were going to do with the rest of their lives, Nate had planted a soft kiss on her lips. She had been pliant; too overwhelmed to reject him outright and too buzzed to feel she ought to. When he pulled away, he had looked into her eyes, searching for the answer to a question he was too afraid to ask. She had tried to go over her options, but found her mind did not have the ability to think at the moment. So she did what any sensible girl presented with a love-struck Nate Archibald would do: she slept with him.
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Serena looked over at the sleeping figure in bed next to her and shook her head. She was glad Chuck hadn't come home last night, for she could only imagine the ruckus that would have ensued if he saw them like this. Whether he would wink and laugh that he knew it all along or be outraged and throw them out, she didn't even know. He'd probably just take one look at her and mutter train wreck again.
Nate shifted onto his side, and she didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the expression on his face. He looked so peaceful that it made her feel even worse for being so guilty in the first place. What in the world had they done that was so wrong? He didn't have a girlfriend – Blair had certainly been over him long before breaking up with him at prom the year before. She definitely didn't have a boyfriend, she thought bitterly. Carter hadn't asked her to wait for him – he had just left. There was no one she needed to answer to, so why did she feel like the worst person right then?
Perhaps she felt as if she had let herself down. Here she was, succumbing to sex as the answer to her miseries once again. And even though it was with Nate, one of her oldest friends, one of the sweetest guys she knew, it still felt somehow…
Before she had a chance to decide how exactly it felt, her phone rang rather loudly and she rushed to answer it before it woke Nate up – she definitely didn't want to have to deal with the morning after quite yet.
When she flipped her phone open, she found not a call but a simple text: I found him. For real this time. See you soon.
It was as if the wind had been knocked out of her, and she had lost the ability to breathe. All the tears that had been threatening to spill since she woke up – and perhaps ever since she came back from Fiji empty-handed – came flooding out. Not even thinking about the figure lying beside her, she ran to the bathroom and locked herself in as sobs racked her entire body.
So many questions attacked her at once, and she had not a single answer for any one of them. Where had her father been? Why would he suddenly care she was alive? What had Carter done to bring him back? What would she do when she saw him? And, most importantly, why was he doing this for her?
Suddenly, she had a feeling that Serena van der Woodsen wasn't the only person she had let down.