Title: (COMPLETE) An Inquiry Concerning An Idiotic, Cruel Death God; An Obnoxious, Loud Teen Model; An Outspoken, Enigmatic Somewhat Girly Girl; And a Near Who Just Happens To Be There
(or just for ease of conversation 'An Inquiry')
Rating: Fiction Rated T (Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with some violence, minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes.)
Genres:Parody, Humor, Romance, Fantasy, Supernatural, Somewhat Ecchi, (In a way) Gender Bender
Summary: AU (Alternate Universe). Ryuk is bored (as per usual) and decides to go back to the Human World. Only this time, he goes to the Human world in a whole new perspective.
Notes:Set a few months after Light went crazy and died (technically). If the term Crack-fic does not seem familiar to you, search it on Wikipedia. There's no way I'll write it here for you, Ryuk.
Warning: This fanfic is somewhat fictional. Any resemblance to actual place, events, or persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This warning does not apply to mr_time_20 though.
Prologue: Ryuk, the bored Shinigami (Part 1)
The Shinigami world is a dark and sullied place. Shinigamis, or Death Gods, gamble and lurk in every corner. It is where Shinigamis dwell when they won't 'accidentally' drop their Death Notes in to the Human World and watch humans from afar, which they'll kill eventually. This is where a certain bored shinigami's twisted tale began.
Ryuk was bored, as usual. Ever since Light lost it a couple of months back, he had nothing to do. He had no one to follow around. He had no one to supply him with 'juicy' apples. He had no one to watch asleep, er um, ...eat.
Ryuk would stare at his worn out Death Note. Ah, memories... Pages were missing due to Light's schemes. The shinigami himself never thought once of tearing out a page from his Death Note. There was no point. But to think a human was resourceful enough to do that... Ryuk had to admit, he somehow respected Light (except for when Light completely lost it and Ryuk had to kill him) He didn't mind though, it wasn't as though he wanted to kill people that badly. What he wanted was something to do. The Shinigami world was surprisingly boring. Sure, there's that whole stalking humans and killing them. And Ryuk could drop his Death Note again and watch another poor sap lose it. But those activities bored our self-centered shinigami. He wanted something new. Something risky. Something terrifyingly stupid. But what? He constantly asked himself that question.
It all started one excruciatingly boring day. Ryuk went a bit emo (which all started since he came back from the human world) and sat all by himself, retelling his previous adventure on the human world even though no one else was around (Something he'd do on practically a daily basis). And he whined on something completely random.
"I'm so bored! I've already gone emo and still nothing interesting has happened!" He whined. His voice annoyingly echoed through the cave-like dwelling place where he usually whines. Ryuk was about to repeat his statement louder when a cold tentacle-like object poked his shoulder.
Ryuk shrieked. He quickly turned around to face whoever it was who poked him, only to find a monster standing, an evil expression on his face. The monster was hideous, creepy, and perverted-looking. Just like Ryuk.
"You shriek like a girl, you temee." The unnamed (and never will be named) shinigami said hoarsely.
"Shut up! I'm emo and gay- I mean bored! I'm emo and bored!" Ryuk retorted.
The unnamed shinigami rolled his ten eyes. "Whatever." He said. "The Death God King has called for you. He says he's tired of your whining and being emo, so he's come up with a way to get rid- er help you."
"Really?"
"Yes. Now get out of here so I can watch yaoi."
Ryuk hurriedly ran to the Death God King's palace. Excitement filled him as he ran. 'Yes! Finally I'll have something to do! I don't care how cruel and unjust it is to other people, as long as I'm contented for the time being I'll be reckless! Yay!' Ryuk thought as he ran.
If this were a shoujo manga or anime, Ryuk's little journey to the King's palace would be complemented with talking, adorable children accompanying him for no particular reason (intstantly loving him no doubt) and would just happen to have perfect singing voices; perfectly shaped and colorful petals striking Ryuk's face gently; and cute anime background music that comes from nowhere. And then Ryuk would accidentally meet her his true love near his destination. And the rest of the story would go something like: Love, love, confusion, angst, love, suicide, etc.. And they'd live happily ever after.
But this isn't a shoujo manga/anime. This is a fanfic. A Crack-fic to be exact. And since this is a crack-fic, certain crack-fic qualities should be applied. Meaning, no shoujo manga/anime related event or thing shall ever be utilized here.
So instead of the lies as read a paragraph before, Ryuk's journey was filled with uneccessary and random events. Like (insert random activity here), and (insert crazy, random acitivity here) and even (insert crazy, perverted, random activity here).
~~~~
At the Death God King's Palace...The king (who's name and identity was never shown in the anime and manga and the How to Read, and so his name and identity will also not be shown here) sat on his throne, a Kleenex in one hand and a T.V. remote in the other. He was watching his favorite soap opera, crying and sobbing as he did so.
"No Len! That Kahoko is a bitch/whore, she's not worth it! Why can't you see that? She'll sleep with everybody! Even the director!" The King hollered to the T.V. screen in between sobs. "Oh, wait." He said as he realized something. "This isn't my soap." He fumbled with the remote until the channel, where his favorite soap was, came alive through the screen.
He then continued crying. "No Kyouya! That Haruhi is a bitch/whore, she's not worth it! Why can't you see that? She'll sleep with everybody! Even the-
His rant was interrupted by three audible knocks from the unnecessarily large door in front of him. The king was feeling a bit lazy, not to mention pissed, so he decided not to get up. He continued ranting and sobbing but the knocking would grow louder and louder.
Exasperated, the King shouted, "Who's there?!" He forced himself not to curse (his reputation would be scandalized)
"Me!" A voice unfamiliar to the king replied.
The king let out an audible exasperated breath. "Me who?!"
"The shinigami!"
"Which one?!"
"The one who dropped a death note to the human world once!"
"What?!"
"The Emo!"
"Oh, the homo. Ryuk. Come in!"
The door creeked open and Ryuk stepped inside. His smile (which was physically impossible to remove) grew wide-r. "Yo, what's up?" Ryuk said casually.
"Nothing much." The King replied, wiping tears out of his slits for eyes and standing up. "So you finally arrived. What took you so long? Were you cutting yourself like a regular emo?"
"No, I'm a special emo. Cutting myself is so overrated. The author just made me do completely random and unnecessary things, you see." Ryuk explained. "Even though she had no idea what those random and unnecessary things were."
The king nodded in understanding. "I see, must be because of PMS."
Both nodded their heads. "Anyway, Ryuk, come closer."
"Okay." Ryuk replied. "You're not a pervert, are you?"
"Hell no. I'm not like you."
"Ah."
The King reached into his pocket and took out a brown stick-like object. "Look."
Ryuk raised one of his eyebrows and said, "Is that Harry Potter's wand?"
"It sure is." The King replied. a big smile plastered on his face. "I got it from eBay."
"Really?"
"Of course. They have everything there." The King said. He looked around the room, noticing that most (if not all) of his things are from that holy website. He nodded in approval. "In fact," He started. "The Shinigami world is from eBay."
"No..." Ryuk said.
"Yes. This place used to be the Demon world, you know." The King explained. "The Demon king Yuri- something or other- sold it to me for a fairly reasonable price. He said that there were too many homos lurking around. Contagious even."
"That explains so much." Ryuk said, dumbstruck.
"But this isn't about that. Ryuk, you are bored, are you not?"
"Yes, I keep pointing that out to everyone." Ryuk said, his patience growing thin. "I've already gone emo!"
The king nodded calmly. "Yes. Anyway, I've got an idea to relieve you of your boredom." Not to mention get rid of you.
TO BE CONTINUED...
A/N: Okay, to answer all your questions... Yes, this story is purely a crack-fic. And yes, I am extremely bored. Nuff said.