A/N: So, I just discovered Atlanta Pendragon's mindblowing 'Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts' list (which you can find at atalantapendrag (dot) livejournal (dot) com (backslash) 163152 (dot) html, which was originally inspired by the '213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army' (found at http (colon) (double backslash) skippyslist (dot) com (backslash) list). As it turns out, there are multiple such lists out there on the web, but I just had to make up my own. There may or may not be more coming, depends on just how many more of these come to mind.
Disclaimer: own NOTHING, making no profit, just borrowing for funzies. Inspiration as above--blame THEM!
TwistyGuru's 50 Things That I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
Tell the firsties that I am a T-Rex animagus
Tell the firsties that I have special 'animagus sight', and that their form is a duck-billed platypus, tribble, dodo, lungfish or flobberworm
Sell fake potion recipes for magical sexual lubricant
Sell fake potion recipes for Love Potions #1 thorough #8
Sell repackaged Astro-Glide, KY or Wet as 'Minnie McGonagall's Magical Motion Lotion'
Sell repackaged Crisco as ' Sevvie Snape's Super Slick Sex Lube'
Tell the firsties that all of the really good 'adult' spells can only be cast when your wand is inserted into a nether orifice….
Bring a gag Ouija board to Divination—you know, the ones that only spell out dirty words
Start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project can be administered rectally
Dye my hair black, paint my finger- and toenails black, put on makeup and go to the hospital wing claiming to have been hit with the 'Emoitis' curse
Sell parchments allegedly containing the secret Emoitis curse to the firsties
Sell the Emoitis counter-curse for more than double the curse price
Sprinkle Psilocybin spores in Professor Sprout's mushroom trays
Replace a few bottles of Snape's Veritiserum with liquid LSD
Link the magic mirror spells in each bathroom to the large mirrors in each House's Common Rooms
Give the House Elves the recipe for chocolate Ex-Lax brownies…right before the weekly staff meeting
Plant magically-enhanced cold-adapted kudzu around the castle grounds
Tell Professor Snape that "dude, the Emo look is, like, so last decade"
Continue trying to convince Trelawny that she weights as much as a duck
On the first day of class, measure the DADA teacher for a pine box
Every time someone mentions the DADA professor: sigh, shake my head and mutter 'so sad, really' (Alternate: ask, in a loud, surprised voice "What?!? You mean they're not dead yet?")
Refer to a certain Dark Lord as "Lord Anal Warts" and his followers as "Butt Munchers" (Note: referring to fellow students whose parents are affiliated with the Dark Lord as "Junior Butt Munchers" is perfectly legal and, in point of fact, encouraged.)
Get the Muggle Studies professor to make A. N. Roquelaure's Sleeping Beauty Trilogy required reading—as an example of a 'typical' muggle fairy tale.
Four words: Dark Mark Temporary Tattoos
Leave copies of Horace Hardscrabble's Handy Handbook of Horribly Humorous Hexes lying around for the firsties to find
Yell 'Food Fight!' during the Welcoming Feast, throw one handful, then hide under the table
Ask the firsties every week or so how many of their class have mysteriously disappeared thus far, and if they've put their affairs in order
Give Moaning Myrtle a chunk of metallic sodium and tell her it's a magic rock that only activates under water—preferably in the pipes near the staff quarters
Tell the muggle-born firsties that House Elves are former students who failed their first year final exams
Start a rumor about a missing copy of the Beauxbaton's secret sex manual
Call Professor McGonagall 'Minnie' or Professor Snape 'Sevvie' to his or her face
Publicly announce that I am starting a betting pool for the number of gross violations of the Evil Overlord List the Dark Lord will commit this academic year
Ask the Daily Prophet to run a poll with the following choices: Harry tops exclusively/Draco tops exclusively/They're versatile
Tell the Hufflepuffs that all of the other Houses have 'team building orgies' on a regular basis
Tell the Ravenclaws that all of the other Houses have 'study orgies' on a regular basis
Tell the Slytherins that all of the other Houses have 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' orgies on a regular basis
Tell the Gryffindors that all of the other Houses have orgies on a regular basis and that it's a pity they don't have the guts to do the same.
Offer to conduct the traditional guided tour of the Forbidden Forest for firsties free of charge
Forge signatures on Hogsmeade passes for those in need
Transfigure all of the salt on the tables in the Great Hall into Ritalin©
Two words: Camo Robes
Post large signs saying "This way to the Chamber of Secrets" in random locations
Charm the suits of armor to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has Knob On The End" whenever someone walks by (Alternate: "The Stick 'Tween My Legs Is Long and Hard, 'Cause I'm a Quiddich God")
Insist that the password to my House dorm should either be in the form of a question (What is _____?) or a Clue® answer: Professor _____, in the _____, with a ____
Refer to the Weasley or Patil twins as 'clones'
Regale Luna Lovegood with tales of my alien abduction, including the horrors of my anal probing
Convince the Ravenclaws that red lip dye will make them smarter (extra points for showing Dune as proof)
Claim that an life-sized inflatable love doll spray-painted silver is my Patronus
Tell the firsties that mixing Pixy Stix with pumpkin juice makes a good flying potion—especially if they add salt (see #40, above) and Veritiserum (see #14, above)
Replace Malfoy's hair care products with Nair
Notes: Hardscrabble's text is described in my work 'From the Quibbler'. Metallic sodium plus water equals BOOM, and is a classic prank (especially when flushed from several floors up). The Evil Overlord List may be found at www (dot) eviloverlord (dot) com (backslash) lists (backslash) overlord (dot) html. The rest you can look up yourself.