Summary: A light-hearted one-shot where Colonel Sheppard decides to bake a cake. Ronon wants in on it and then Rodney. It's amazing Atlantis doesn't get burned to the ground.

Warnings: None

Word count: 3589

Surprise!

Sheppard lay on his bed, eyes closed, boots still on in case of emergency, listening to his favourite music. Then he heard the all too familiar announcement; the Gate had an incoming wormhole. He virtually sprinted to the Gateroom and by the time he arrived Teyla and Ronon were already through and talking with Dr. Weir. It looked as if their off world trading talks had gone even better than planned as they were heavily burdened with an assortment of bags and sacks. Ronon caught sight of the Colonel and gave a little knowing nod and smile.

Excellent thought Sheppard…he could now put his very important plan into action.

Later in the Colonel's quarters, Ronon held up a small Hessian bag which was bulging to bursting point. He undid the rough twine which held it securely at the top, all the time looking at Sheppard with a half curious and half confused look on his face.

Sheppard dipped his hand in and pulled out a couple of objects from inside. He rolled them around and inspected them in his palm, putting them to his nose and sniffing them.

"They smell good…they look good," and then bit into one of the hardest ones. "A nut…it's definitely tastes like a nut…a walnut to be more precise."

He took another of the objects this one soft, small, dark and wrinkly. He put the whole thing in his mouth and chewed. He smiled and sounded almost gleeful. "Oh yes...that's nice...exactly like a raisin. You did a great job Ronon…just great."

"So…you going to tell me what you want them for?" Ronon asked, his curiosity now getting the better of him. He gestured towards the Colonel's hands as they dipped into the bag again. "Apart from the obvious."

Sheppard looked serious for a moment as if he was pondering some complex military manoeuvre but a smile was slowly lighting up his face. "I'm going to bake a cake."

That was the last thing Ronon thought he'd ever hear and his eyes widened in astonishment. "And you can do that can you?"

"I'll have you know I learnt how to make the meanest fruit and nut cake in all of Colorado, courtesy of my dear ol' Grandma Sheppard," the Colonel replied with pride as he remembered all of the happy times he'd spent on his Grandparents ranch, especially in the kitchen with his Grandma.

Realisation gradually dawned on Ronon that for once Sheppard wasn't joking with him and he began wondering what the end result would be like. He licked his lips in anticipation. "I really love your Earth cakes…you'll need some help won't you?" he said in a burst of enthusiasm.

Sheppard looked at him, mulling things over. "OK, but you have to do what I say, and I don't want to hear any complaining!"

The doors opened to the kitchen…and they entered. It wasn't somewhere they visited often as they preferred the end product that ended up on a plate in the canteen. But now they were actually in the place where it all happened, they realised how different it looked from the rest of the city. It was impressive with its clean lines of metal and marble; and the whole room was bathed in a bright tropical glow seemingly coming from hidden lighting in the ceiling. Huge pots and pans were neatly stacked in rows, as were the massive crates of supplies from Earth. The recently acquired goods from Teyla and Ronon's last trading trip sat dotted around in their simply made bags and sacks. They seemed totally out of place in the high tech environment.

Sheppard's eyes were drawn to a very large coffee machine…so that's where his great cups of coffee came from. He'd never really thought about it much before…as long as they kept coming he was more than happy.

Most of the equipment displayed looked suspiciously Earth like but he wondered what Ancient secrets could be hidden there as well. Every cooks dream he imagined but he didn't have time to rummage about for that….he had a mission.

Sheppard gave Captain Brown a nod of acknowledgement as he walked towards him. "Captain."

"Sir," Brown replied. "Well, it's all yours for a couple of hours…and remember what I said about the place…it can be more than a bit…well…interesting that's for sure."

"I'll be careful Captain."

And with that Brown placed the chef's hat, which he'd been carefully brushing and folding, on the table in front of him.

Sheppard watched the Captain leave and soon as the doors closed he immediately snatched the hat and gleefully placed it on his head. Ronon stared at the tall white column of cloth balanced precariously on the Colonel's head. He was stunned; he couldn't even manage a snigger.

But Sheppard was on a roll; there was no dampening his enthusiasm. "This is what all chefs wear…cool huh?"

Ronon groaned. "Sometimes you're weird Sheppard...really weird."

Ronon stood behind the Colonel and watched with fascination as small white clouds of flour were sifted into a large bowl, then whirled around with a little device which was far too noisy and simple to be Ancient so he assumed that it had been brought from Earth. It mixed some ingredients that he'd never seen before and then some he had. He decided he'd never seen Sheppard concentrate so much…not even when he played poker.

"Ronon …stop…breathing…down my neck and do something useful," Sheppard eventually blurted out in exasperation.

The Satedan was just biding his time though and, without further thought, shot a hand into the bowl and scooped out a dollop of mixture with his finger.

"Oi!" Sheppard shouted and smacked the sneaky hand with the back of a metal spoon which seemed to appear from nowhere. "Hands off."

"What? Just testing to see if it's edible," Ronon said, his face feigning innocence.

Sheppard sighed. "See those eggs? Break all of them into that dish for me…can you manage that?"

"Hey...I can do eggs. I know how to fend for myself, Sheppard; I was a Runner for seven years," Ronon emphasised indignantly and, using only one hand, expertly broke each of the large brown eggs into the glass dish discarding the broken shells one by one onto the work surface.

Sheppard quirked an eyebrow. "Hmmm…nicely done, " and picked the dish up and poured it's contents into the bowl. The mixer continued it's high speed whine as it carried on mixing while the dried fruit and the chopped nuts where added a few at a time.

As Ronon concentrated on licking the remaining mixture from his fingers, the door opened and McKay sauntered in. The taller man growled in frustration and rolled his eyes."Great, that's all we need!" he mumbled to himself, too low for the other men to hear.

"So this is where you're hiding then," McKay said gleefully, his face lighting up as if he'd made another Ancient discovery. "Chuck said you were in here but I had to come and see for myself."

His eyes widened at the sight of the chef's hat. It took a moment for him to take it all in, both the hat perched on his CO's head and him enthusiastically beating a mixture in a bowl. He never thought he'd live to see the day.

His eyes flitted over the table and the various ingredients which were spread around the kitchen.

"This reminds me of being at my Mom's house...I love the taste of that stuff," McKay said, his eyes focussing on the target, and without any hesitation shot his finger into the mixing bowl.

"Not you as well," Sheppard snipped and caught the back of McKay's hand with the spatula which he was now using to scrape the sides of the bowl. "

McKay considered that a price worth paying as he tasted the mix. "Mmmmm….very tasty ….and are those raisins in there?"

"Yeah...similar but for all I know they could be some kind of dead insects…we never did decide did we Ronon?" Sheppard said with a grin.

McKay's face froze, his eyes stared questioningly at Sheppard who ignored the reaction and began tapping the last bits of cake mix from the mixer blade.

Ronon leaned back into the counter top, crossed his feet at the ankles and wrinkled his brow in concentration. "You did remember to put the lemon juice in there too, didn't you Sheppard?" He said, not taking his eyes off McKay, who had suddenly gone extremely pale. Ronon flicked his eyes to Sheppard as he heard him try to stifle a snigger. Ronon couldn't help it, his mouth twitched at the edges but it was the crinkling of his eyes that gave the game away.

"Oh yes …very funny!" McKay retorted and moved to dip his finger in the bowl again. This time he jerked it back quickly as the Colonel shot him one of his more commanding looks …plus he was now using a heavy metal spoon which he gripped like a lethal weapon. That could seriously hurt a guy! McKay thought and took a few steps to move out of range. "I'd never have guessed you liked cooking…let alone cakes. So what's the occasion?"

Sheppard sighed. "It's a surprise for Teyla's birthday…I was trying to keep it a secret."

"Teyla's birthday? How come I didn't know that?"

"Even you don't know everything Rodney," Sheppard replied giving him a quick sideways smirk.

"Well no but…" Rodney paused as his eyes searched the room. "You know I've only ever given this place a quick once over… never checked out all the equipment. But Zelenka said there's a cryo-machine and he helped out with the...but I've never had the time to…ooh…I wonder what that does?" he babbled and made a beeline for the wall panel with it's red flashing lights.

With one long stride Ronon moved in front of the wall and stood with his arms folded, blocking him from reaching the panel. As if on cue it started beeping.

"Oh...should it be doing that?" McKay asked eagerly…itching for something to need his attention. He didn't have to wait long.

"Can I be of any assistance?" The voice seemingly coming out of nowhere asked. But the appearance of a figure dressed all in white, who faded in and out between them before settling into a more solid looking form, had McKay stepping back in surprise and Ronon bristling in anticipation of a fight.

"Who the hell are you?" Sheppard asked the new arrival. He sprang forward and stood beside McKay, his hand instinctively grabbing for his gun but immediately realised it wasn't there. Day off: no holster: no gun. Crap!

"I believe that's Henry." McKay said with a knowing smirk. "Henry...the chef's assistant...I helped program him with Zelenka...or more to the point tweaked the original programming a little. I didn't know that he'd been activated."

Henry stood completely still staring gormlessly ahead.

"He's been programmed to answer all your culinary questions...and them some...apparently." McKay said grinning as he carefully looked him over.

"Well get rid of him...he's...he's just creepy," Sheppard said, pulling a face and waving the spoon up and down the staring eyes to see if could elicit a reaction. Nothing. So he sliced the spoon through the hologram's body just to be sure. This time the image flickered briefly into patterns of light and shadow before resuming its solid form again.

"Please state the assistance you require." Henry suddenly said making everyone jump. "Demonstrations are my speciality," he continued before turning to face Sheppard. Before the Colonel could say a word Henry glided silently passed him and over to the wall panel where the lights were still flashing. "System malfunction...this must be deactivated."

"What the ….?" Sheppard said, his eyes widening in surprise.

Ronon gave McKay a steely glare which had do something written all over all it.

"Oh crap..." Sheppard said as he watched in horror as the holo-chef began to reprogram the panel next to the oven. "McKay! I need that to cook my cake!"

"Don't worry Colonel, there must be others to use."

"Unacceptable anomalies...please evacuate the kitchen...all equipment must be deactivated...please leave the kitchen." Henry demanded, his voice getting louder and more insistent as he moved from one set of panels to another. Sheppard groaned as they lit up briefly before going dead.

"Oh come on! Rodney...tell me you know how to fix this," Sheppard said in desperation as he watched the maverick holo-chef darting back and forth.

McKay waited until Henry's back was turned and then gave the nearest panel a quick prod. He followed it with a quick tap to his earpiece.

"Zelenka?"

Silence.

"Radek...are you there?"

"Rodney?"

"You know that holo-chef you were working on?"

"You mean the one we were working on."

"Okay...well yes but we don't have to get into that now." Rodney replied. "Will you access the programming and...well...shut it down!" McKay cried in frustration, his attempt at keeping calm slowly fading. "I don't have access from here."

"Shut it down?"

"Yes...deactivate it...pull the plug...the sooner the better." McKay replied as smoke started pouring from the panel where he'd just exposed the inner wires. He quickly snatched his hand away as he felt spikes of energy snake up his arm.

"Fire...fire...danger...evacuation is essential...activate sprinklers." Henry announced even more loudly as he continued marching up and down inspecting everything in his path.

Sheppard was mortified. "McKay! If those sprinklers activate and my cake gets spoiled I may just have to...to hit someone!"

"Radek! Tell me you're..." McKay paused as he watched Henry flicker and quiver before finally disappearing in front of the Colonel. He sighed with relief. "It's okay...you did it...he's gone."

"Great...now find me an oven that works!" Sheppard insisted as he held the cake tin containing the precious mix, "before you leave Rodney!" he added quickly realising that McKay had almost made it to the door.

Sheppard sat at a small table in the corner of the kitchen as he waited. He took a final gulp of beer and placed the empty bottle next to the others lined up in front of him. He yawned then gave an approving sigh as he took in the wonderful aroma which now filled the air. It had been about an hour, thankfully a very relaxing uneventful hour, so he guessed it must nearly be cooked.

Ronon had only managed to sit down for about five minutes before he began pacing up and down the kitchen like an expectant father. He'd stopped when Sheppard had yelled at him for the third time but by the man's own admission he wasn't good at sitting still. He wandered around checking for anything strange or potentially dangerous or maybe something vaguely interesting. He eventually found the huge knife collection that had been arranged in a holder on the wall. He particularly liked the largest one…twirling it around, feeling its weight and balance…checking out the handle and running his finger down the blade; he flinched as it nicked his skin and gave a little grunt of approval.

"Don't go messing with those Ronon, I gather Captain Brown's a bit possessive of his knives," Sheppard casually warned and rolled his eyes as he watched Ronon lick a drop of blood from his finger. "And they're sharp!" he added with a smirk.

They both jumped as the oven gave a loud buzzing sound followed by a series of beeps. Sheppard jumped to his feet, laughing as he beat Ronon to it. He tentatively touched the door handle and was pleased that it was totally cold. At least the Ancients got that right. Grabbing a cloth he carefully reached in and took out the tin. He was pleased to see that the mixture had risen just the right amount.

Ronon followed the cake like an animal following a scent as the Colonel place his prized possession on the work surface.

"Is it meant to be that colour?" Ronon asked as he watched the cake being turned out onto a cooling tray.

"What? You mean this lovely golden brown? Oh yeah…this is perfect."

"Well it smells like…it smells just fantastic…can I have a bit?" Ronon asked hopefully and closed his eyes as he inhaled deeply, trying to taste the cake from just it's aroma.

"No," Sheppard said firmly, "no touching." He watched as Ronon reached out anyway and gave him another sharp tap on the back of the hand, "and that's an order!"

Teyla answered the call on her earpiece and made her way to the canteen.

It all seemed a bit strange as she walked along the corridors. It was extra quiet. Where was everyone? What on Earth could the Colonel want with her at this time of day anyway?

She started to feel a bit concerned as she approached the doors. Her hand went to her fighting stick tucked in her belt and she gripped it tightly as the doors slid open and she stepped into the darkness.

"Surprise!" She suddenly heard from all corners of the room and her heart skipped a beat. As the lights came on they momentarily dazzled her before she could finally focused on the crowd in front of her. She wondered if the whole of Atlantis' inhabitants had been gathered in that one place. Sheppard stood out in front, hands on hips, with a satisfied smile lighting up his face.

"This is…unexpected," Teyla said tentatively as she finally managed to collect her thoughts.

"We wanted to give you a traditional Earth birthday party…with friends, gifts and your favourite cake." Sheppard explained and stood to one side and revealed a table packed with various plates and dishes of food but in pride of place there was the cake. His cake.

Teyla stared for a moment. "It all looks lovely," she said softly, still not quite understanding what was happening. "I don't know what to say."

Sheppard viewed the look of awe on her face with satisfaction. "You don't have to say anything…just eat and be merry. And have a slice of cake…my cake...the one I baked." Sheppard emphasised proudly.

As soon as the words were out of his mouth he felt the sharp jab of a Satedan's elbow in his ribs. "Hey, it's our cake...we made it together!" Ronon said, chuckling at the indignant look on Sheppard's face. The Colonel rolled his eyes and immediately cut a slice and presented it to her as everyone watched.

Teyla took the plate and Sheppard held his breath as she took a bite. He studied her face for any sign of approval…or not as the case maybe.

She closed her eyes and took her time as she savoured it. She finally finished eating and, after what seemed like an eternity, smiled broadly.

"That was…just…wonderful John. And it has my favourite fruit and nuts…how did you know?"

Sheppard looked suitably pleased with himself as he looked over at a particularly smug Ronon and quickly back to Teyla.

"I have my sources," he replied and then nodded to Major Lorne who was waiting by the CD player. A loud blast of Johnny Cash then assaulted everyone's ears and Sheppard took that as the cue to hold out his hand to the birthday girl. She thought for a moment, undecided whether she wanted to take up yet another Earth custom.

She decided she did.

The End