A/N : I have been reading fics for quite some time now, and decided it was time to give a shot I writing.
This is my first fic. I loved writing it. My id may not be familiar to you, but I reviewed a few stories as "Starbuck" and before that as a guest. All reviews are welcome since I am trying to improve myself. None of BSG belongs to me. This is not my native language and all mistakes are mine. (A beta might be good if anyone is interested)
This is happening right after « A day in the life ».
Enjoy !
Bill Adama was in an awful mood. The members of his crew had been avoiding him as best as they could since his earlier outburst in CIC after a missed landing by Hotdog during an exercise. He had the right to be angry didn't he ? After all, the lieutenant had damaged both his viper and the deck, which would cost Tyrol and his team dozens of sleepless nights ! Why did they keep looking at him with fear in their eyes ? And why on Kobol did Saul have to tell him to go have a drink and talk to Roslin ? What was it with Laura frakking Roslin anyway ? He did not understand his president. She had become so distant…
Last week, they were talking about the good times on New Caprica, and now she was avoiding him as if he was a cylon. Fortunately, she had no plans to airlock him -none that he knew about anyway- yet.
The turning point had been a dinner five days ago. After her suggestion to « talk more about that night », he had invited her to have dinner in his quarters when she was due back on Galactica. She never showed up. He tried to call her but only managed to reach Tory, who told him that the president couldn't make it, refusing to give any reason.
Five days had gone by, and she still wasn't returning his calls. He had learned that she had called Tigh to brief him three times. He was becoming mad. Why wouldn't she talk to him ? And why would she chose to talk to his XO, whom she absolutely didn't get along with, instead of him ? Something was wrong, and he had to figure out what.
At least he would get to see her today. Indeed, the weekly meeting was scheduled in his quarters. Tory had informed him that the president had requested Lee, Tigh and Zarek to be there too. What was so important that the meeting couldn't stay between them, as it usually did ? Anyway if anything important had come up, shouldn't he know ? He was becoming mad.
He pushed his hatch open and found Lee and his XO already waiting.
« Do you know why the president has requested our presence, dad ? » So they didn't know either. « No idea. » Bill replied, sitting on the couch.
Zarek arrived a few minutes later, but there was still no trace of Roslin.
« Hasn't Laura arrived yet ? » the Vice-President asked. So it was « Laura » now. Bill, Lee and Saul all shook their heads. « She boarded Galactica almost two hours ago. I don't understand, I thought she would be with you, Admiral. »
Good to know he still had the upper hand. « I haven't heard of her », Bill replied. What could she have been doing in the meantime ? This was weird.
She suddenly pushed the hatch and entered his quarters, interrupting his train of thoughts.
« Hello, gentlemen. » She went straight for the chair at his desk, sitting with a sight. She looked exhausted. She immediately started the meeting. Nothing out of the ordinary seemed to be happening through the fleet. This meeting looked exactly like their usual weekly meeting, except for the presence of Saul, Lee and Zarek. The three of them were harboring incredulous looks, seeming as surprised as he was by the turn of the events. In the end, they were at the hatch as soon as Laura declared the end of this little reunion.
Good. Maybe he would get the chance to really talk to her. However, as he was directing his gaze towards her, she headed for the hatch too, avoiding his eyes. She stumbled a few meters before it. Bill caught her waist just in time for her not end up on her knees.
« Are you alright ? » He was surprised by how thin she felt. She wasn't this thin on New Caprica.
« I am perfectly fine Admiral, thank you » she replied dryly.
She abruptly took a step back as he dropped his hand.
« Laura, we need to talk », tried Bill.
« There is nothing to talk about. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to my ship Admiral. » She was wearing a severe look, all presidential.
« Fine, Madam President », he replied somberly.
He let her go with that. She was a stubborn woman, and he would get nothing from her in this state.
He did not notice her dropped shoulders, nor the moist in her eyes as she walked away as fast as she could.
Still, her tiredness and thinness worried him. He decided that if anyone was supposed to know, it would be Tory. He wished Billy was still here. At least he would have understood Bill's will to help Laura, or would have done something about it. He had more doubts when it came to Tory's empathy towards other people.
He dialed CIC, asking Dee to put her on a secure line.
« Admiral. I am sorry, the President is not here for the moment. »
« I wanted to talk to you, personnally. »
« I am listening. »
He hesitated before asking.
« Have you noticed anything strange about the President recently ? I don't mean to pray, but she seems more tired than usual ». He kept the part about her thinness to himself. He could hardly explain he realised it by comparing the feeling of his arm around her waist to how it was on New Caprica.
« I am sorry Admiral. She is indeed a bit tired, but this is nothing out of the ordinary. She has a lot of work because of Baltar's return. »
The aide did not seem to be aware of anything. Maybe he should try his luck somewhere else.
He wanted to ask her to keep an eye on her boss but did not trust Tory enough to make such a request.
He made his thanks and goodbyes and hung up.
He did not see the President much during the following weeks. She always seemed to arrange her meetings to be with colonel Tigh or on the phone. Whenever he saw her, she remained very distant and tried to keep the conversation brief, always deflecting on personnal questions.
His little investigation had not been very efficient. Her marines had not noticed anything either, or refused to tell him anyway.
Saul had called him earlier. Appearently, she had made a lot of visits on Galactica, only he never -or rarely- saw her. Saul told him that she always stayed rather long on those, sometimes only coming back to Colonial One the following day. He had no idea of what she was doing during those times. He was now sure she delibarately avoided him. Even if Laura hurt him as Bill, this was going beyond that. Their communication as Admiral and President was damaged, and this was a bad things for the fleet as well.
He would not call this time. He headed for the hangar deck. As he boarded the raptor, he wondered if he was doing the right thing. But this situation could not go on like this.
He took some time to reflect on how things could have gone so bad since New Caprica. From lovers to really good friends, from good friends to… To what exactly ? It didn't seem like she was giving him the cold shoulder, it seemed worse than that. He did not understand, they had always managed to work things out since Kobol. Surely it wasn't about Hera was it ? She knew he had forgiven her !
The landing of the raptor draw him out of his thoughts. He went straight for her office. Tory was not in sight, and neither was the president. He heard noise coming from the other side of the curtain separating her private area. He walked slowly, deciding not to announce himself, afraid that she might find a way to escape another time.
As he peeked through the fabric, he froze. She was giving him his back. Had it been any other situation, he would not have minded, especially considering she was wearing that skirt which gave him one hell of a view of her nicely shaped legs.
No, the problem he had was that her back was circled by arms, those of a man, and that she seemed rather comfortable with her head resting on his shoulder. He could hear faint whispers from where he was, although he couldn't make out what was told. He could guess her arms circled the man's back as well, but could not see his face, only make out greying hair.
He felt like an intruder. As he was about to turn around and leave as silently as he could, the man lifted his head and his gaze crossed his. Cottle. His own CMO. The friend he had asked to keep an eye on Laura on New Caprica. He had appearently done his job a bit too well. The feeling of betrayal was even more powerful.
At least it all made sense now : the frequent visits to Galactica, the nights spent there, her tiredness... Her thinness must have been because she had not regain all her weigh since the occupation.
He didn't even remember how he got there, but the next thing he knew is that he was in his quarters, grabbing a bottle of Ambrosia. How had he not seen this one coming ? The two of them had been good friends since Jack had first taken care of her. Who knew what happened on New Caprica during the occupation ?
Laura always refused to tell him about those times -not that he pressed her for answers anyway. He let himself fall heavily on his couch. Maybe she was tired of waiting for a time when they could be together without any complication due to their respective positions… But she was the one who decided to put an end to whatever they had on New Caprica ! She could have just talked to him if she wanted things to be different !
Who was he kidding ? How could he hope he would ever have her ? She is a gorgeous woman, she can have anyone she wants. Hell, even Zarek wants her ! It would be perfectly understandable for her to simply move on to someone better, someone whose position wouldn't be a barrier. Yet, she had seemed to genuinely care about him on New Caprica… Back then, he had reveled in the fact that he could see her love for him shine through her eyes, even if she wasn't ready to admit it. Maybe he had read her wrong from the start. Maybe he had mistaken the mix of friendship and lust for love… He missed their carefree time on the muddy planet. He missed her above everything.
His musing was interrupted by a knock on the hatch. He slowly rose from his slouched position, dropping the bottle on the nearby table on his way to the hatch. He slowly opened it. His beloved CMO, the last person he wanted to see right now, was on the other side.
« Go away Jack ! » he grunted.
« No, we need to talk Bill. » Cottle entered, pushing him aside, and closed the hatch. « I am not leaving until you've heard what I have to say. » He walked towards the cabinet and poured himself a glass.
« Don't worry, everything is cristal clear. You and Roslin are in a relationship. » The admiral sounded defeated as he talked. He sat on the couch, grabbing the bottle again.
« You know Bill, nothing could be further from the truth. But I am afraid you might prefer this to the truth. » Cottle started slowly. He had always had a gruff exterior, but sometimes he talked with a disarming sincerity. Bill had learned to listen intently when it was the case, for it usually involved the most serious moments of his life. The CMO sat on the couch, his face displaying deep sadness. Worry was beginning to creep into Bill's gut.
« I saw the betrayal on your face on Colonial One. You should know that by coming here it is her I am betraying, and I wouldn't do it if I didn't think she was making the worst choice she ever has. » He sighed, then took a long slip from his glass. « Remember when you came to see me worrying about her tiredness ? »
Bill slowly nodded. His little investigation had led her to sickbay, but it had seemed to be a dead end at the time.
« Something is wrong, but I can't tell you about it. » Cottle said.
The major looked into his friend's questionning glance. Bill's face was filled with anxiety.
« You have to talk to her Bill. She will try to avoid you, then avoid the subject, but she needs you. She won't admit it, but is alone, and has cut herself from the one support that would do her good : you. She is lost. »
Saying he was worried was an understatement now. So many questions were running through his head. What was she going through ? What could he do ? Why did she cut him out ? He was afraid to know the answers. He was holding the bottle so tight that his knuckles were white. He remained silent, refusing to voice his thoughts.
Cottle must have seen this because he put his glass back on the table, slowly rose and headed towards the hatch, stopping in front of it. « Talk to her, Bill. I am doing everything I can to support her, as a friend, but I am not you. No one will ever replace you. So harass her if you have to but don't give up. She needs you ». With that, he left.
The emptiness of the room hit Bill with full force. Almost automatically, he went into the head to shave. It helped him think.
Laura. She needed him. All the anger he had felt before had left his body. He would give her some time. He would leave her alone tonight, then talk to her tomorrow after his shift. And if she refused to talk to him, he would try again the day after. And the one after. Show her he cared. Show her he loved her, no matter what their relationship was. Because he did love her. For now, he wouldn't try to imagine what could be happening to her, or his heart wouldn't be able to take it. Instead, he changed into his tanks and sweatpants and went straight to bed. Lying under the covers, he tried to think of her on New Caprica, to picture her smile, remember her laugh. He promised himself he would make her laugh and smile again. With that, sleep took him.
Although he tried not to think about his worries, he had a very hard time focusing in CIC the following day. Laura was everywhere in his thoughts. As soon as his shift ended, he headed to Colonial One. He had ensured he would be there before Laura, as she was currently meeting with people on the Rising Star. He had decided he would wait for her in her private area.
Bill had been sitting on a chair for almost half an hour when he heard steps. The separating curtain was opened, but no one crossed it. He decided he would not announce himself yet. From where he was, he could make out the distinctive traits of the President. She had sat by her desk and was now going through reports. She was indeed thinner. She looked exhausted. How had he let Tory fool him like that ? Surely, she knew everything when he had called her. Laura opened a drawer and took something from it. It was a picture, the same he kept in his own desk. He didn't know there was any copy of it. It had been taken by Cottle on New Caprica, and showed the admiral and the then ex-president sitting next to each other on the sand. He had his arm around her shoulders, and she was looking at him with a face full of tenderness. They were both looking so content in it…
The present Laura looked so sad in comparison. As she thought she was alone, her mask was gone and all emotions were displayed on her face. His heart ached at the pain and deep sadness he found there. She ran a hand through her hair and froze suddenly. Some of it had stayed in her hand.
Bill was instantly by her side, a hand on her shoulder. She was too shocked to question his presence here. She just lifted her head, her eyes meeting his. He dropped to his knees and circled her waist, holding her as tight as he could. She burried her head in his shoulder, and started to shake with sobs. He held her tighter, whispering sweet nothings into her ear as her hand clutched the strand of auburn hair.
« I am so sorry Bill, so sorry. I thought I could do it all on my own, I thought I was strong enough. » She murmured. The admiral didn't understand why she was saying that, but he kept holding her.
He understood it all now. And Lords how he wished he didn't. Laura, his Laura, was going through cancer again. And she had chosen to fight it alone. As she was sobbing violently, he was weeping slowly. It felt like his heart had ripped into a million pieces. He would not leave her alone with her demons. Not now, not ever. He would stand by her side, and be there all along the way.
After what felt like an eternity, she lifted her head from his shoulders and slowly put her hair on the desk. She disentangled herself from him and clasped his hand in hers, leading him to the sofa in her private area. She had closed the curtain with her other hand on the way. She made a motion for him to sit next to her as she did so. Laura took a deep breath and started to talk.
« Three weeks ago, on the way to having dinner in your quarters, I stopped by sickbay. Cottle was supposed to give me my usual exam results, as he did every three months. Except this time the results were a bit different… »
Her head was spinning.
It felt like all oxygen had been drawn out of the room.
She lost balance as she got up, catching herself in extremis on Cottle's desk, knocking files over in the process.
« Madam president… » She interrupted the CMO with her hand.
His previous words were echoing in her mind over and over.
« It's back Laura. »
She had to get out. Leave this room, get away from the stifling atmosphere that surounded her, from the sterilized air of sickbay.
She was walking fast, marines on her heels. Running, almost. She wanted to escape them. If she did so, if she managed to end up alone, then she could pretend that none of this was real, that it was just a nightmare from which she would wake up soon. Even if it was just for a little while. Deep down, she knew this was useless. She could not escape reality, no matter how much she wanted to. Reality was an ennemy lurking in her left breast, and all too soon her body giving up on her. She was trying to keep the tears at bay, ignoring the fact that her eyes were already bruning.
Her feet brought her to the familiar hatch. She stopped abruptly in front of it. As her fingers were about to hit the metal, she halted her movement. She remembered what it was like to take care of her mother. She wouldn't wish the same fate to anyone, especially not Bill. Because he would decide to take care of her in a heartbeat if he were to know, of that she was certain. But it would crush him. She remembered a night on New Caprica when, curled up on her makeshift bed, they had talked of their losses, of her mother, her father and sisters, and of Zak. His usually stony face had been so full of sadness back then, as he told her about the accident… Bill was a man who loved deeply. He stilled grieved for his son, always would. No. She wouldn't do this to him. He had to lead the fleet to Earth, had a ship to run. Most importantly, he deserved a chance at happiness, and she couldn't give it to him, not now.
But she'd be damned if she didn't try. She would go through doloxan. She would fight this with all she got. But he couldn't know. Meanwhile, she had to slip out of his life as smoothly as she could, so that he would hurt less if she were to lose this battle. Otherwise, she would slip back into their former routine if she could. If he decided to keep her out of his life afterwards, then so be it. She would pay whatever price there was to protecting him.
She wasn't naive, this would be incredibly tough. He wouldn't let her go so easily, and hiding would become more and more difficult as she would become weak from the side effects. She hoped she wouldn't suffer hair loss. Anything but that. She could hide thinness through clothes, she could schedule appointments during his shifts or at night. She knew she could count on Cottle to help her keep this secret. Only Tory would have to know. But how on Earth was she supposed to hide the loss of her hair ? Her glorious red hair ! It had grown longer on New Caprica. Bill had loved running his fingers through it, told her he loved how the sun reflected in it. She couldn't imagine how it would be like if it were to fall, didn't want to. This was not for today anyway.
Right now, all she had to do was go back to Colonial One as if nothing had happened and brace herself for the tough times to come. Maybe the last of her life. Without Bill. Of all the things, distancing herself from him would be the hardest. Of course, they stopped being anything more than friends since he saved them from the muddy planet and she resumed her presidency, but Laura could still count him as a close friend, the closest she had. She could also rely on his advice and trust, both personally and professionally. And she loved him. This was why she would go through all this.
She finally dropped her hand and started to walk to hangar bay. She kept her head dropped as a tear had escaped her control. Laura was walking towards a life without Bill, filled with cancer. But she was determined to do it, for him.
As she finished her story, she found a place back into his arms. He brushed her cheek with his knuckles. His eyes were shining. How could she think he would be okay with that ? How could she believe distancing herself from him would make things easier ? It wasn't her choice to make here. She couldn't hide something so big from him. And she was willing to do all this, to suffer through cancer on her own, all to protect him ? He had been so wrong at the dance. Yes, they had all gotten to close, especially her. But they could not go back. They could not hide from their feelings, they had to work with them.
« I don't think it could have ever worked. And I wouldn't have wanted it to work. » He forced her to look into his eyes with a gentle hand under her chin. « Look at me Laura. I love you. I can't change that, and neither can you. Yes, if you were to… » His voice broke. He couldn't bring himself to say it.
« If things were to turn out in the worst possible outcome, I don't think I could ever be the same man again. But if your plan unfolded as you wanted it to, what would really kill me would be knowing you have spent your last months alone in your suffery, knowing that I didn't have a chance at easing your pain. There are tough times ahead Laura, don't think I don't know this. But I want to ensure I will do everything I can in order to make you happy. I want to see that smile of yours again, hear you laugh again. Things are not perfect as they are, but for now we are both alive and should enjoy this. I want to make the best out of it. »
With that, he briefly brushed her lips with his. He felt moisture as tears were silently rolling down her cheeks. He gently wiped them with his thumb, and embraced her again. Laura was so deeply moved that she couldn't talk. She hugged him back, closing her eyes. She inhaled deeply.
She had missed him so much, missed his distinctive smell, missed the feeling of his arms around her. She had been so wrong to think she should be the one to chose for him. She had never envisionned things as he just had. They had managed to get through everyhing together since Kobol. They would get through this too. They were going to be okay.
« Love you too » she whispered sleepily, as her eyes were closing themselves on their own volition. She fell asleep as Bill was slowly stroking her back. He joined her only a few minutes later, a small smile gracing his face.