A/N: Oh, wow, old fic. I wrote this one in August, because I needed a break from my big AugNo-story. It's a songfic to 21 Guns, by Green Day. It's my first attempt at writing MattxMello and I think they're really OOC, but that's what you guys are here for, right? To help me improve? And to read a good fic, admitted. I hope you will enjoy this and help me if the characters really are as OOC as I think they are.
Concrit would be loved. Flames will not be.
Summary: This takes place in a complete AU in which Matt and Mello didn't die. Instead, Matt spent several months in a hospital recovering from the attack. He is pissed at Mello and Mello will try everything to make it up to him.
Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
This time, he had gone too far. Matt was used to Mello bossing him around, telling him what to do, but never before had he asked Matt to do something out of which he certainly wouldn't come alive. And to make it even worse, he hadn't just asked it. No, he had demanded it. So Matt'd had to go, distract Takada's bodyguards so Mello could kidnap her. The guards had fucking shot him dead. Or, well, nearly dead. That was now six months ago and they had finally released him from the hospital, telling him that he was so lucky to be alive. Yeah, he knew.
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
During his time in the hospital, Mello had come to see him often. Every single time he had managed to take time off re-organizing the Mafia, actually. And he couldn't apologize enough. There had been dozens of times Mello had said sorry, and still Matt had not forgiven him. He knew that hurt Mello, and what hurt Mello hurt him too, but it was good for the cocky blonde to sometimes feel remorse about what he did. He could use it. Matt curled his hands into fists, his nails biting in palm, just so Mello would not be the only one in pain. He gasped.
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Somehow, he had hoped that Mello was not waiting for him outside of the hospital. Yet, he was. He should've known.
'Matt, you're coming home.' He saw how happy that made Mello. He really had been eating him up inside over what he had done to him, his face was so pale that it was hard to miss. Still, Matt did not really want to talk to Mello. He turned around and walked away, knowing a couple of other ways to his house. Which he shared with the blonde. Damn.
'Matt! Wait for me!'
He heard Mello hurrying after him, but only picked up his pace, trying to hide the tears nearly streaming down his face. He did not want to deal with this right now.
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins
He had never been able to outrun Mello. Even as he ran through the dirty streets surrounding the hospital (he never did get why they had build a freaking hospital in this part of town, the part with the most gangs and criminality) he knew that there wasn't the slightest chance that he would manage to get away. Certainly not with tears overflowing, nearly blinding him, and having a endurance as bad as his was. It had always been bad, thanks to endless cigarettes smoked and hours of sitting inside playing games. In the end, he just had to stop to catch his breath.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
An arm slipped around his waist, keeping him upright. Even though Matt struggled against the tight grip, it did not work a bit.
'Mello, let me go,' he panted, repeating it every single time he had the tiniest bit of air to spare. 'Let me go, let me go, let me go…'
That continued until Mello placed a finger on his lips.
'Shut up, Matt. One, you're lying. You do not really want me to let go of you. Two, you just don't have enough breath to talk like that. Catch your breath before you try to convince me that you're telling the truth.'
Matt hated the way Mello could make him do whatever he wanted to, he really did. But no matter how much he tried to, he couldn't make his body lie. And his body was currently leaning back against Mello, his hands were clutching Mello's for dear life, and the butterflies in his stomach also did not help.
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I
'I can feel it, Matt,' Mello whispered. 'I can feel everything, even the butterflies. You can stop hoping that you don't like me being here. I know how much I've hurt you by making you do the distraction and I am sorry.'
Matt had finally managed to stop panting and could reply now.
'Why won't you stop saying that, Mello? I'm sure you are sorry, but this was one time too many. You always force me to help you. You always put me in danger. Don't you see how much that pisses me off? I'd do a lot for you, but if you force me then it's over.'
When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
He struggled to get out of Mello's grip, but the blonde merely held him tighter. He would have to hear him out, he knew better than to think he could beat Mello. He had always been second to him, in intellect, in speed, in strength… Just not in smoking and games. God, he could actually really go for a cigarette right now.
'Matt, I know I went too far this time. I've gone too far a lot of times, okay.' Mello couldn't not change his story when he saw Matt glaring. 'But I now have my priorities sorted out. You've got to trust me this time, Matt. Give me one more chance.'
The redhead had no idea how long he could stand up against Mello's pleading. He never pleaded, that was the hardest part. Matt knew that the blonde was really, really sorry.
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
'Come on, how can I convince you of that? There must be a way…' Mello trailed off, racking his brain over possible ways to make it up. Matt could almost hear his mind working over it. All of a sudden, he was twirled around and forced to look at the blonde.
'Look at me. I suffered as well. We're even now.'
Matt gasped. How could he have missed the huge scar on Mello's face? It covered the entire right side of the blonde's face, it was very pink and it looked like it still hurt. How had that happened?
'Takada killed herself with the Death Note. She tried to kill me but I managed to escape. However, she had lit the building on fire and I burned.'
'Oh no… I'm so sorry Mello.' Matt couldn't bear to look at his best friend anymore. He felt guilty.
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
'Don't be. It was my own fault. Had we worked together on this one, nothing had happened, so I'm the only one to blame.'
No, he was not. Matt could have forgiven him sooner. Or at least paid attention to him. He qould feel guilty over this, he knew, and he should. He wrapped his arms around Mello, trying to convey without words that he was truly sorry about what had happened.
'It's not your fault. I could've tried to stop you. But I did not. We're both wrong here, Mello. Don't be so harsh on yourself.'
Could any of them possibly feel any worse? Probably not. No one could make the other one feel better, either.
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins.
'Things need to change, Mello,' Matt sighed. 'I know you're the boss and all, but you can't exactly chase people to their deaths cold-blooded. Not the way you do now. Don't you see, that's what got us here.'
'But Matt, that's what I do!' Mello protested. 'I can't suddenly become this girly person with feelings, I need to be able to issue orders and not feel a thing. If I suddenly care about everyone underneath me then the Mafia will be history within a week. People somehow smell those things.'
Matt knew that his lover would not easily give up on the Mafia. He had inherited it, he should take care of it, that's how he thought about it.
'What if it would go down anyway? Then it would not be your fault. Think of all the families, Mello. Think of me. How do you think I feel every time something happens and I don't know if you're safe?' He fought to hold back tears again, thinking of all those agonizing times.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
He could feel Mello swallowing. Clearly he had not thought that it affected Matt so much. Mello's arms tightened around him, trying to comfort him.
'You should have told me. I didn't know,' the blonde murmured in Matt's ear.
'You don't know so many things,' was his reply. He wasn't going to forgive him all of a sudden. Yes, he had suffered too. True, he hadn't known. But somehow, it was not enough for Matt. 'You always say that, and then you think it's supposed to be alright all of a sudden. No such luck this time, Mello.'
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I
'We should go home. You don't know what you're talking about.'
Matt managed to break Mello's tight grasp on him. He was furious.
'I don't know what I'm talking about? Or can't you stand it that you're not winning this time? It must be the second thing, because the doctors said I was perfectly fine. Don't fucking blame this on me, Mello. Not this fucking time.'
He turned around and started running., fury fuelling his limbs to keep moving, even though he was already exhausted. He just didn't want to talk to Mello anymore. Not now. He needed time to cool down. The blonde did piss him off this time, for real. There was a crimson haze over his eyes and his mind was only thinking of ways to get rid of Mello. He needed a quiet place.
Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Matt went home, the place he and Mello stayed. He had nowhere else to go, after all. That saddened him. All they had needed before was each other. Would that change, all of a sudden? They had been together for five years already, and they had been friends for over a decade. It was such a long time that Matt couldn't even remember how long it was.
He wondered what Mello would do if he would leave him. Probably shrug his shoulders and move on with what he was doing before Matt would break the news. At least, that would be what it would be like on the outside. On the inside, Mello would be screaming, crying, pleading Matt to stay because he could not live without him.
He knew all of that because it had happened before.
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone
It had been nearly the same. There had been a mass murderer on the loose. Well, not that mass. He had only made three victims, intending to make only one more. However, since L had been on the case, and Matt had managed to hack his computer that time, Mello had tried to catch this person as well. His name had been Beyond Birthday.
Mello had been as obsessed with that case as with the Kira-case right now. Matt hadn't been able to take it anymore and broken up with Mello. Said blonde had then attempted suicide by walking in a burning building. Ironically, the fire had been started by Beyond Birthday.
They had gotten him out before he had walked too far in, luckily.
When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Mello had told him later that he just couldn't even stand to think about having to live without Matt. So he decided not to. He had waited a week, waited every day for Matt to come home, but the redhead had never done that. He had lived in a hotel, worrying all the time about how Mello would cope. Not too well, though.
If this pattern would repeat, the next time Matt would leave Mello (and they both knew that there was bound to be another time if things continued the way they were) the blonde would most likely kill himself. So this time, it had to go right. It just had to.
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.
Matt stormed in the house and went to his room rightaway, not bothering to lock the door behind him. Why would he? Probably Mello would still be standing there, stunned. Or else trying to find some chocolate bars. Matt usually took care of the chocoholic's addiction but he hadn't been around for the last six months.
He laid down, closed his eyes, and drifted off to sleep. He was so exhausted that he did not notice the door opening and Mello walking into his room. He also didn't realise that Mello sat down on his bed, not intending to go anywhere sometime soon.
'Matt, wake up.' He shook Matt by the shoulders, but not too roughly. The last thing he wanted to do was make the redhead angry again.
'What, Mello?' Matt moaned when it became clear that his ex-boyfriend (ex? No, that didn't sound right) wasn't going to leave soon.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
'I don't want you to be alone now,' the blonde simply stated. 'Move over, I'm coming in bed as well.'
Matt obliged. 'What the hell do you think you're doing?' he did ask, too exhausted to fight against Mello one more time.
'I'm lying in bed with my sexy as hell boyfriend.' That made Matt chuckle.
'I'm serious, Mello. What are you doing?'
'I am trying to make it up to said sexy boyfriend,' Mello replied while he snuggled up to Matt. And even if Matt had wanted to, he had not been able to escape this time. When Mello captured one of his hands in his own, Matt did not resist.
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
'Matt, I know I've been such a jerk. How can I ever make it up to you?' Mello murmured in his ear.
'By letting me sleep.'
'Whoops, sorry. Then I think you're going to stay mad at me for quite some time after this.'
Matt was curious and turned around, so he faced Mello. It didn't help to make his thoughts clearer that they were now chest to chest and that he was feeling Mello's bare skin.
'How so?'
'Well, like this…'
Matt couldn't think coherently anymore even if he had felt the desire to do so. Mello had crossed the couple of centimeters between their faces and was now kissing Matt passionately.
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I
Matt wrapped his arms around Mello, not intending to let go anytime soon. This kiss made him realise just what Mello meant to him. He was, how cliché it might sound, and yes Matt detested calling it this, his soulmate. If they were apart, they were not really one person anymore. If there was anyone the redhead would spend the rest of his life with, it would have to be Mello.
He broke the kiss, just once. He wouldn't do that again for the remainder of the night, and thus also get no sleep at all.
'Mihael, I forgive you. Just don't pull anything like that again.'
Mello happily kissed Matt on the tip of his nose.
'I promise, Mail. I love you more than anything else in the world, how could I not?'
Matt glared at Mello.
'Who are you and what have you done with the Mello I know?'
'Just shut up and kiss me, Matt.'
'With pleasure.'