Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I am not making money from this fic. This fic does NOT contain slash.
A/N: My version of Naruto and Haku's first meeting. Parody of sorts. Dunno if this has been done before.
I am a Boy – I think?
"So…you're a boy," Naruto said dubiously, staring the girl in front of him up and down.
"That's right. A boy," the strange androgynous creature affirmed.
"No – no – no – no. That's all wrong. You can't be a boy. There's no way you're a boy!"
"I'm a boy," Haku repeated. He smiled, dimples and all. She was cute when she smiled. He was disturbing when he smiled.
This did not compute. Naruto shook his head to clear it.
"But you can't be a boy," Naruto insisted accusingly.
"…why not?"
"Because I thought you were cute, duh. And everyone knows boys don't think other boys are cute," Naruto crossed his arms and nodded firmly. Case closed.
Haku was blushing. Even that was cute! "You thought I was cute?"
"I dunno. That depends," Naruto said warily. "Are you a girl?"
"…no."
"See, that's just wrong. If I think you're cute and you really are a boy, then people will think I swing that way. But if I think you're cute and you're just a girl pretending to be a boy then I'm going to be kicking myself ten years down the road when you're birthing some other bastard's kids, see? Our children would be BEAUTIFUL!"
"But…boys can't have children?"
"Aha! Exactly! So you must be a girl, right?" Naruto crowed.
Haku loosened his obi, tugged open his kimono a bit and stared down. "I don't think I have the right bits for that." When he looked up he noticed that Naruto had put a hand over his eyes. "What are you doing?"
"Y-you can't just go around stripping for strangers!" Naruto sputtered.
"B-but…it shouldn't matter! We're both boys, aren't we?" Haku said.
"I don't know…ARE WE?" Naruto said mysteriously.
"I…yes, I am."
"…I'm still not looking," Naruto decided after a moment of constipated thought. "Because if you are a boy then you'll have boy bits and you'll still have a cute face and that'll just screw with my head, believe it!"
"…and if I had girl bits?"
"You have girl bits?" Naruto said hopefully.
"No. Well…I might have."
"Really?"
"I mean…girls have bums, don't they? And ears and mouths and—"
"SEX-ual girly bits," Naruto hastily specified. "The bits that don't overlap."
There was a rustling of clothing. "…only boy bits then. Unless…"
"Unless…?"
"Unless this is one of those fanfiction authors who can make babies grow up my ***."
Naruto gagged. "WHAT IN THE WHO NOW IN THE WHERE?!?!?!?!"
"You don't keep track of fanfiction?" Haku wondered.
Naruto fidgeted a moment, wondering if he should reveal he did read some fanfiction. It was embarrassing to say it out loud. "…I have to admit, I got a bit squicked after reading one where I was raped repeatedly by Sasuke of all people who, by the way, had been sanctioned by the Rokudaime to rape me apparently because I had this strange chakra imbalance in my system that could only be cured by injections of Sasukespermatoids and instead of informing me of this so I could properly mentally fortify myself, he just sharinganed me and went a buggerin'."
Haku stared at him blankly. "…there's a punchline in there somewhere."
"No – no," Naruto waved him off. "Apparently it was completely serious."
"No, I'm Sirius."
"…yeahhhh…because that joke hasn't been overused."
"Back to my original point—" Haku began.
"Please and thank you."
"—there are some fics out there where you get…you know…up the you know where…"
"When I'm a boy?" Naruto asked.
"When you're a boy," Haku confirmed. "And then you get pregnant."
"Up my…bum?" Naruto hesitantly ventured.
"Uh huh."
"Where does it grow? For that matter, HOW DO I TAKE A DUMP!?"
"Got me," Haku shrugged.
"I CAN'T IMAGINE NOT TAKING A CRAP FOR LIKE NINE MONTHS!!!!" Naruto hollered. "I WOULD EXPLODE!!!!!"
"And can you imagine how deformed a baby growing up surrounded by pounds and pound of compressed poo would look like? It's not like you can clean once that baby gets lodged in your rectum."
"Maybe the baby eats it?"
"Maybe the baby…that's the stupidest thing I ever heard," Haku said flatly.
"And if I did survive, hypothetically speaking, can you imagine how fast that 'lil munchkin would shoot out of me?" Naruto asked.
"Er…no. No, I'd rather not," Haku decided.
"Er…yeah. Yeah! Me neither," Naruto hastily assured his strange mefale companion.
There was an awkward silence.
"So you're really a boy, huh?" Naruto said, still doubtful.
"Uh huh. Boy bits. I pee standing and everything."
"Then…then why are you wearing a PINK kimono!" Naruto was beginning to scrape the bottom of his barrel of denial.
"Because I get a discount when I go buy sweets. I remind the guy at the stall of his long lost grand-daughter."
"Oh…you mean this isn't like some…strange hobby of yours?"
"…being a boy?" Haku asked tentatively.
"No! Dressing in pink when you're a boy!"
"You've decided I'm a boy, then?"
"Ye-no."
"What?"
"Well I had, but that wishy-washy response of yours just now has me doubting again."
"But I do look good in pink?" Haku redirected.
"Well – that depends," Naruto said.
"On?"
"On whether you're a boy or a girl."
"…you mean you'll lie if my gender isn't what you want it to be?"
"No, because I obviously won't find a boy in pink cute." Naruto said and scowled. "It's just…yeah…YUCK. You know?"
"But I am a boy."
"So you say."
Haku growled, clearly exasperated. "Fine. There's an easy way to solve all this."
"There is?"
"You'll just have to feel the proof for yourself."
"…"
"What now?" Haku said, sighing.
"You know what? I don't think I want to know anymore."
Haku blinked, clearly off put by Naruto's declaration. "Y-you don't?"
"No. Whether you really are a cute girl or you're just a trap. I don't want to know anymore. A man needs his fantasies," Naruto asserted.
"Even if I really am a boy?"
"…you obviously haven't read all those femHaku fics where we **** like bunnies have you?"
"…I'm almost scared to ask: Are they any good?"
"…eh…so-so. You're so much better in my imagination." Naruto zoned out. A few seconds later he blushed and giggled to himself.
"Even if I am a boy?"
"Dammit, Haku!" Naruto shouted. "Stop saying that!"
[end]