Name of Novel: My Dog's An Alien.
Told by K.9
Written by Micah Mulvogue.
A word from K.9
Hello, my name is Keskon 9, but you can call me K.9. I am on this planet on a mission; you will find out what that mission is as you read on. I approached the author of this book (Micah) and asked him to write my report to the Planet Flea as I do not have opposable thumbs. The book you are about to read is that report. Please do not let this book fall into the wrong hands (or paws). Please be warned that the following material is so funny people have died of laughing just from reading it. Beware this book is dangerous.
Chapter One. The Vet.
I am so stupid; here I am sitting in a dog kennel because we are going to the vet. Not because I'm scared, but because I'm no ordinary dog. In fact I'm not a dog at all; I'm an alien from the planet Flea.
The reason I'm here is because I'm on a mission. My job is to live down here for a while and see how dogs live down here on Earth. If I send a good report to the planet Flea, then the dogs on that planet will come and live here.
"K.9!." Space poop! It's Andy. Andy's my owner, at least that what they call them on this planet; on my planet we call them slaves. Anyway, Andy found me and looked after me at least three months ago.
Andy spent three days trying to figure out what to call me, yet he couldn't think of anything that wasn't taken, like Rover, Patch, Butch and who could forget Cuddles?
As he went on trying to figure out what my name should be, I left helpful hints around telling him what my name actually was. He finally caught on when he picked up a can of K.9. Biscuits.
"K.9!." Space poop! He's getting close.
Think fast K.9, where can I find another purple dog with antennas. Well considering I'm the only dog on this planet that matches that description, I don't think I'm going to get much help there.
"There you are K.9, I was getting worried."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
We are in the waiting room, and there are three other people here with their pets.
One is a cat with one eye.
Another is a parrot that's lost its voice.
The other is a mouse that probably should be breathing right now.
Just then a voice from a nearby speaker booms.
"NEXT!"
Oh space poop! I'm next.
The check up wasn't really that bad, actually after my very uncomfortable experience with the thermometer, was kind of fun. The human who was giving me the check up gave me something called a chew toy. Why do I not see Andy playing with one of these?
Chapter Two. The Escape from Planet Earth.
That's it, the vet was the last straw. First they torture me, and then they try to bribe me not to tell the other dogs with a chew toy.
It is for this reason I'm building a space ship to evacuate the world's dogs from their planet and take them to my planet.
"Now if I connect this car battery I found in the next door neighbour's garage to the Play Station remote, then I can use it as a control panel." I muttered to myself as I worked.
Only now, only now when I finished the thing I realize I don't have a place to hide it. I can't just leave it there it, it sticks out like the tablets humans try to hide in your food.
Just when I'm about to do what every dog does and bury the stupid thing, and dig it up when I need it, Mongo the Saint Bernard from next door walks through the missing board in the fence.
Mongo's my best friend and the only living thing on this planet that knows I'm not from Earth.
(For now.)
"Hey K.9" he said in his deep voice that always made me wonder if he was sober or not.
"What are you doing?"
"Oh not much, just trying to figure out where I'm going to hide a twenty foot tall space ship that I'm going to use to evacuate the dogs from the face of the earth."
The Saint Bernard just backed away slowly.
"OK then...um...Uh...I'll just go stand over here then."
I looked at him for a while, and then spoke.
"I'm trying to find a place to hide this thing, can you help me?"
"Love to mate" he said.
My eyes lit up at his words.
"But I can't, the human's taking me to the park tomorrow and I need sleep."
"But you're going to the park. No dog sleeps knowing they're going to the park in the morning." I said a little confused.
"Cinderella's going to be there, I have thirty years of bags under my eyes to sleep off."
Cinderella is Mongo's crush; she's a French poodle with a human who has a new fur coat every week.
Funny thing is, he can't help me hide something as simple as a space ship, yet he would ride a unicycle and juggle six kittens, while singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star backwards in (A) minor and he did actually do that once.
"Why don't you just leave it there, maybe Andy won't notice it."
My ears were now burning; sometimes I wonder why I'm friends with this dog.
"MONGO!!"
I said with fury.
"DON'T YOU THINK THAT A TWENTY FOOT TALL SPACE CRAFT MIGHT BE A BIT HARD TO MISS?"
Mongo looked at me for some time before speaking.
"Then bury it, that's what I do when I want to hide something."
"But I'm from Planet Flea. The soil we have is rock hard, I've never dug a hole in my life, and even if I did know how, I'm not built for it."
Mongo pondered this for a moment before a smile came to his huge face.
"I'll bury it." He said "You go to bed and I'll have done in ten minutes"
I wanted to hug the mongrel, but didn't because if he hugged back I'd be looking worse than an Echidna having a bad hair day.
"Thank you so much, I owe you a chew toy."
"You owe me twelve chew toys and a steak, I'm not working for free you know." He replied with his best attempt of a series face.
The good news is Mongo found a really good place to hide the ship. The bad news is that the hiding place was so good, he can't find it himself.
I am now on my back getting one heck of belly rub.
The only thing that makes me wonder is; why I wanted to leave in the first place.
Chapter Three. Fetch
I am sitting in the park getting trained, I think...
I don't see any military training equipment, no rock walls to climb over, no tyres to run through, no mud to swim through and no card board people popping up out of nowhere to shoot.
Just Andy standing there, asking me to sit.
"Come on K.9, sit."
"No thanks Andy I'm quite happy standing. But thank you for offering."
I said, but to him it was.
"Woof Bark Growl Whimper"
Andy just frowned at me, and then a grin plastered itself on to his face. A grin made me pretty nervous.
Andy picked up a stick examined it, frowned then dropped it, he picked up a bigger one, this time he smiled.
"FETCH!" He screamed at the top of his lungs.
"Andy I really don't think it's necessary to pla..." I saw the stick leave Andy's fingertips.
"I'll be right back!" I said running towards the stick.
Why is, it that parks on this planet are so darn large, why? Is there some rule that every time something is simple on my planet it's a night mare on this one?
At this moment I ran through a bunch of teenagers with skate boards, as I walked through them I found myself riding away from the guys on one.
As I ride away from the protesting skate boarders, I barely spotted the hot dog cart dead head. The man at the cart sees me coming and tries to wheel the cart out of the way.
Smash through the glass of the Mustard Compartment I went. I was now completely covered in mustard.
But there was something much worse ahead, a man carrying a box that read (QFD) Queensland feather delivery.
The man dropped the box as he saw me coming.
A cloud of feathers explodes from the packaging and I go straight through it.
As I immerge from the cloud I rush past all sorts of bazaar things like kids running around screaming
"Boogie man! Boogie man! Boogie..."
That's all they could say before I ran over them.
Up ahead I could see a children's birthday party performing the ritual known as piñata. This is when children tie a defenceless animal to a tree and beat it with a stick screaming
"piñata piñata"
Until it rips open and its guts spill out. And then all the kids get on their hands and knees and eat them. It's horrific, isn't it?
At this moment the skate board hits a rock and I fly towards the piñata and push it out of its place through the rope, leaving me in its place.
It takes me a moment to realise what's happening. When I finally figure it out, I feel a hard wack on my side and another one across my face. Then I hear the chant.
"Piñata piñata!"
It's been three hours since the party started, but now all the disappointed children are going home.
A grown up walks to me with a knife, my heart stops.
"Oh space poop..." I said under my breath. "He's gonna kill me"
The man raises the knife. I close my eyes and wait, but instead I fall to the ground with a thump.
I look up to see the man has cut the rope; the man picks me up by the collar and threw me into a nearby bin.
"Should of kept the receipt for this thing." He muttered before throwing me into the bin.
I was so close to the stick I could smell it. And I'll tell you what, it didn't smell that great.
I looked over to see it was being carried by a British Bull Dog.
I tackled the bull dog to the ground and ripped the stick and a few teeth from his mouth.
I look around, to my terror, to see three things.
Number one.
An angry bull dog, running towards me.
Number two.
The stick that I was after is in the long grass in the far side of the park.
Number three.
Mongo singing a song for Cinderella.
I drop the stick, give the humongous Bull Dog a nervous smile and run for grim death.
As I pass through the long grass I pick up my own stick and run straight towards the hill were Andy is sitting.
I've done it! I've got the stick!
I pass the stick to Andy, who is asleep?
I quickly realize it's 8:00 at night.
I decide it might be time to wake up Andy and go home.
I nudged the side of his arm, he moaned groggily.
"C'mon Andy, time to wake up."
But instead it came out.
"Whimper, soft yelp, whimper"
He opened his eyes looked at the stick I had just dropped on the ground.
"OK then."
I sighed in relief but the sigh of relief quickly turned into a sigh of anger when he made his next move.
Andy stood up, picked up the stick and threw it across the park.
"Fetch" he said, then fell back to sleep.