This is a short story about when Robin left Marian for the crusades. It's just something that I've been thinking about as I have tried to get their prychology and motives sorted out.
A part of this story is in the epilogue to A Fool's Game as well, though that story isn't puplished in its whole here yet.
The day the world went away
Young Robin of Locksley had fighting training almost on a daily basis. It had always seemed a bit over the top to Marian, when the England was as calm as it was. There would be no riots in Locksley, her father made sure the nobles didn't fight internally and even though people always moan about the powers that be, they didn't wish to overthrow them. Yet here she was, a lovely spring morning, and watched her betrothed gracefully swing his sword at his trainer. He did it with such joy, she thought. Even she could see that he excelled in his art.
Marian twitched as she felt a sharp sting in her finger. The needle had slipped once again and made its way through her skin. Damn it. She lifted it to her mouth and sucked on it in an attempt to not get blood all over her embroidery. She didn't excel in her art, it seemed.
"My lady what are you doing" The maid shook her head in a very resigned way.
"It slipped!"
"It usually does when your mind stray"
Robin had left the training arena to come up to her, putting a very sweaty arm around her shoulders.
"Robin, don't do that! You're all wet!"
"Sweetheart" he smiled "Shouldn't you be safer here on the bench with your needle and me in danger out there with my sword?"
"I would rather have a sword" she mumbled. She did have some training and she usually made her way out of that kind of training more unscathed and a lot happier "I should have been born a man"
Robin laughed.
"What a waste that would be, when you are so beautiful"
He took her hand and kissed the sore finger. She wore his ring on that hand, and it always made him strangely happy to see that this wonderful girl was his own. The ring was quite plain, a simple gold ring with 'Robertus et Maria' written in Latin letters on the shiny surface. She preferred it like that, pretty things that you could wear without them getting in the way.
He sat down beside her, ignoring the look she gave him as he did so. He was indeed wet; sweaty and warm and thirsty from the training.
"The King leaves for the Holy Land soon" he said.
"It would be better if he stayed here"
"What do you mean?!"
"Well, my father says that England will be left in the hands of Prince John now. Should a king really do that? Leave his country like that? Any lord has a responsibility to his people"
"But he is leaving to retrieve the holy land from the Turks! It's a mission from God, just like the knights in the tales. Every man with any honour should follow him there. It's a much higher duty"
Marian glanced over at him; his eyes were lost in the horizon. He had all these thoughts about knights and honour and glory. She didn't quite understand why he was so preoccupied with that kind of things. She preferred matters that were closer to home, but perhaps that was just her being a woman. Marian sighed and rose from the bench.
"I'm going inside to tell Thornton to get some food ready for you" she said.
"Don't I get a kiss first?!"
"Not until you take a bath"
Then Marian turned her back to Robin and walked into Locksley manor.
---
Robin loved the fighting training. He knew that he was good at it. It was almost a crime that he wouldn't get the chance to prove himself in a real battle. He felt so very restless, trapped by his responsibilities. He was supposed to stay at Locksley and take over after his father who had passed away a year earlier.
It had been a huge change for Robin when his father died. He was raised to take care of his duties as a Lord, but he wasn't prepared on it happening so soon. The last year he had relied so much on other people. Sir Edward and Thornton had taken him under their wings, and Marian had proved a surprisingly big asset as well. She was clever and mature for her age, even a bit shrewd at times he thought and smiled.
"Is something amusing you master?"
Much went by his master's side, loyal as always. Robin liked having his manservant around, he considered him a friend more than anything.
"No nothing special" Robin answered "But tell me one thing Much"
"What?"
"Do you think we would do well in the crusades?"
Much looked a bit uncomfortable. He didn't enjoy it when Robin talked about the war. Even though he liked Robin, Much knew that his master was used to having everything his way. It was a result of being the only son to a lord of considerate power. The boy had been spoiled, treated as if the world existed just to revolve around him.
"I'm sure you would master" he answered.
"We should go. A lord should follow his king. The knights always do. It's almost treason not to do it. A knight should fight for his king and for God and for his lady"
"Well, Marian wouldn't like it though"
No, Much did have a point. She could be so stubborn! But surely she would get to terms with it? If he was to go that is. Other men went. The Merton boys were both going. So why couldn't he?
---
He came to her on a Tuesday morning. Nothing odd about that, he always came for her. Sometimes he was grown up and took the main entrance, talked to her father about Nottingham politics and became the lord he was. He would say intelligent things and have brilliant ideas. It made her proud to realise what a good man he was, so perfectly in control when he wanted to.
Other days he would be a boy, whistle to her and make her sneak out with him. They would play and tease with each other, ride off to their favourite place. It was a forest glade by a creek, not too far from Knighton Hall. She felt sure her father knew about this. He allowed them to be young and play because he didn't want to deprive them of that kind of joy.
This Tuesday Robin was a boy. They sneaked away from her home, he more eager than usual but still strangely quiet. It was a bit out of character and it made Marian a feel slightly guarded and nervous. When they came to the glade he put some distance between them, preparing to make a speech no doubt. Marian had seen him like this before. This was the way he looked when he had rehearsed something.
"Marian" he said "As you know the king leaves for the Holy land soon. And I am sure you also know how I feel about that"
"… As I feel sure that you know that I disagree with you"
"Yes. Marian I know that you do. And it makes this so much harder…"
No. Surely he couldn't be trying to tell what she thought he was trying to tell her?
"The king is going there to take back our Holy Land. To fight for God! And any man with honour should follow him. Follow his king; help him in his divine mission"
No. No. No. Marian watched her betrothed as he paced around in the green grass, talking of war and glory. Just say it Robin, she thought, just say it so I can kill you. She knew him too well to have any doubt as to what was coming, and now she waited for it in terrified anticipation.
"… And that is why, Marian, I have to go"
And there you go. Score, ten points to Marian for guessing the right finale. Such a bitter victory it was. She felt herself tremble and shake, but found that she was lost for words.
"It is difficult I know" Robin said.
He looked at her with his puppy eyes and opened his arms to comfort her. But as he came up to her Marian shoved him away so fiercely that he lost balance and fell into the grass.
"Marian…"
She felt furious. The shock that had kept her silent was released by this pathetic attempt to comfort her.
"How dare you?!" she said with her voice hard and desperate "You are leaving me!!! How dare you say that you know that it is difficult! How dare you talk of glory when you are breaking my heart and… and… abandoning me!"
"I don't want to abandon you! You still carry my ring. We can marry before I leave even, I will come back. I will come back a better man, a man with honour. Someone worthy you"
He looked so genuinely surprised that it made Marian laugh, but it wasn't a joyful laughter.
"You really expect me to do that don't you? Wait for you as some sort of fairytale princess in a tower? And what more, tend to the estate that you have decided to leave? The people that rely on you and your responsibilities in Locksley"
"Well… yes! As a matter of fact! That would be the most natural thing since you are to be the next mistress of that estate"
"Oh no Robin you don't… You don't make my love into a cage and swallow the key. If you leave for the Holy Land then you leave me. Everything is off"
She folded her arms over her chest and looked at him, her features as cold as she could make them. But the tears made their way out, and her lip trembled even though she bit it so hard that she could feel blood taste in her mouth. He was leaving her! He said that he loved her and then he made everything in her life into a lie.
"What do you mean everything is off!?" Robin cried out.
"You and I are off Robin. I won't marry you if you leave"
He looked at her in stunned silence. He had expected her to cry, perhaps to scream a little and be angry with him. But not this! Why would she be this stubborn?!
"But it doesn't have to be that way!" he shouted "Many married men are going with the king, they leave their wives. Like Odysseus. He left his wife for years and yet she waited for him. And it would be more practical for us to be married, you always talk about that. Politics and economics"
She guarded herself. She built a castle out off willpower, tried to make her heart hard and to not fall down. She tried not to be weak in front of him and let him win. But it was so difficult!
"You are abandoning me for something that I do not understand Robin"
"But why can't you understand this? Why is it so hard!? "
"It is hard because you are leaving me!" Marian cursed her voice for being so unsteady and trembling.
"No you are leaving me! It is you that tell me that it's over! You are so stubborn…"
Robin looked at his betrothed and saw that she cried. Marian's cheeks were wet with tears and her pretty eyes looked red and swollen. It broke his heart to see her like this, his loved one. Why would she make this so difficult for him? Why didn't she support him through this? He felt a sudden rush of panic when he realised that she was slipping away from him. The love of his life was saying goodbye.
"This is an ultimatum Robin" she said, terrified to look at him "You must choose war or me"
The choice was already made. He couldn't stay. She knew this, and so did he. She would have done anything just to stop him from saying another word. Please don't seal my faith like this, she thought, please don't say it. If you do this then it means that you love glory and honour and war more than you love me. Come back to me. Come back to me. Come back…
"Marian, I am so sorry" he finally said; his voice was raspy from yelling and crying his way through this dire conversation.
So that was it. She had screamed and shouted and now this was all there was. He pleaded her for forgiveness, used his puppy eyes to get her where he wanted. She would not give in; this was the time to stand her ground. Love was not enough, she thought, he didn't love her enough. It was almost impossible to grasp. The ring on her finger felt like a mockery, it taunted her. Fool! A fool she had been to trust in his words, and vain to think that it her love was all that he needed. She twisted and pulled the ring to get it off; the gold was warm from her body heat and burned her skin now that her heart was frozen. When it finally came off she held it in her hand for a while, watched it laugh at her. She looked at the boy before her, the one she had expected to spend her life with, to love and be loved. He was still beautiful, still made her foolish heart leap and spin in joy. She clenched her hand around the ring so hard that her knuckles went white. Then she threw it on him, watched it hit him in the forehead and bounce down into the green spring-grass. He looked hurt, as if it was she that had shattered his life into pieces and not the other way around.
"This was our place" she said, watching the serenity of the glade where she had been so happy "Now you have stolen it from me. I hate you"
The big oak tree where he had carved their names in Latin - such a show-off he was! – pointed its ancient branches at her as she walked away. This was it. This was the end of the world as she knew it, and now she turned her back on it all.
---
They did fight from time to time. She was a stubborn young woman and he was not easy to reason with. But when they did fight he used to stay in Knighton Hall, wait for the rage to fade away and come to her before he left. They always forgave each other. He stayed in the kitchen at times like that, sat by the stove and watched the servants go about their daily chores. It calmed him, the steady confident movements of people working.
When Marian left him in the glade Robin froze, unable to move and cry out to her as he wanted to.
'I hate you!'
Whatever hurtful things they had said to each other, those words had never been spoken before. Now that she had plunged them at him it could only be because she truly meant it. It was almost incomprehensible. She had thrown the ring at him!
Robin bent down, sat on his knees in the grass and stroked his hands over the surface until he found the round golden object. It was cold now, no longer warm from her body heat. 'Robertus et Maria' he read, following the letters with his fingertips. Robin and Marian. There were no such thing any longer, this ring lied to him.
The excitement he had felt over his decision to follow the king to war had given away to a low throbbing pain. Robin realised that no choices come without a price, but this choice felt so overpriced! He knew that he must have been crying because his face was wet. Crying didn't help. Nothing helped.
He went to Knighton as he always did after quarrels. He sat in the kitchen to calm down as he always did. He waited for her to let him come to her and forgive him. They always did that.
But the kitchen didn't make him feel any calmer and she didn't let him come to her. Her door remained closed, her window remained shut. Robin had to leave without seeing her. He came back every day but she was never there. He sat in the kitchen and waited. He talked to Sir Edward and played games with him in the hall to pass the time. Sometimes Much came with him, stayed silent by his side and tried to share his pain. For nine days he waited. Then the day came for him to leave and the last words that had been spoken between them were still 'I hate you'.
---
Robin sat on his horse in Nottingham, getting ready to leave this place behind. Much was by his side as always, following him wherever he went. The streets of the gloomy town were filled with cheering people that had come to send them off. They were proud that these brave men were their nobles, ready to follow the king himself, to be heroes and conquer the Holy Land for God and glory. This had been his dream, and yet Robin felt so empty. He sensed the ring around his neck, threaded on a chain and hung under the cloth of his shirt, close to his heart. It felt a bit cold and heavy to his skin. Was this the right decision; to leave his love like this? Abandoning her, she had said, but he didn't think that he did. How could he have abandoned her when she was constantly on his mind? He looked around the crowd, searched for her face in vain.
"She isn't here?" Much asked his master.
Robin shook his head.
"No" he said.
"Ah. Well you did know that she would be upset? I mean, you do know her master"
"I know her to be stubborn! Not like this. She could at least have come to see me off"
"Well you are leaving her. It must hurt"
Robin looked over to his manservant, tried not to yell at him for taking her side. All in all, he was right. He did leave her. Had he realised anything during the nine days of endless dreary waiting hours it was that.
"It does hurt" he said. Then he urged his horse to start moving out of Nottingham, perhaps for the last time ever. This would be a long journey and he had to leave this town and all it meant behind.
As he disappeared out of the city gates a pair of blue eyes lingered at him from a window. Now he had left, she would never see him again. She swallowed her tears and started to get back to her cart. Life as she knew it was shattered to pieces.
Back to the drawing board, Marian thought has she walked through the cheering masses. She would have to start again from the scratch.