Retrospect

DISCLAIMER: Ha. Yeah, no.

He isn't quite certain, but he's absolutely convinced he's losing his mind.

He thinks he's thought it out pretty well, but then again, how can he tell if his personal brand of insanity makes illusion feel like reality or not?

Every single damn day drags on and on and he wonders what makes all this worth it, really.

He'd like to go with the nice, sweet, socially acceptable answer.

He'd like to say Jake makes everything worth it.

But truthfully, he can't help but doubt it.

Is this what love is supposed to be?

I thought I loved you.

They race along side by side and oh, sure, his head is spinning with adrenaline and everything's a hazy blur, but that's the heat of the arid land and exhaustion and running too fast for far too long.

It's not like he's doubting his sexuality or anything of the sort; he knows very well what his orientation is and he's comfortable with it now, even if he wasn't before.

He just doesn't think he's in love with his best friend anymore, if he ever was.

Maybe I was.

But it's much easier to love someone from a great distance, when you can't see their flaws and their bad moments and you can be careful of what you say to give the best impression while still being totally honest.

After all, what they never know can't hurt them, and what they can't see can't disgust them.

So he thinks maybe, just maybe, he was wrong all along.

He may know Jake better than anyone, including Jake himself, but it still doesn't mean he knew him completely.

He's his best friend, and he loves him for it, but is he in love with him?

He just doesn't know anything anymore.

What is love, exactly?

He decides that it may be the most complex four-letter word he's ever had the displeasure to encounter, much less decide to pursue, and he's feeling sort of fed up with it as a whole.

He'd like to say he'd go through hell for Jake, but he's already run through a toxic wasteland and that volcano was pretty hellish, and isn't that enough?

Besides...if his significant other had ended up in hell, well. He'd rather like to know what they'd done to get there in the first place.

But maybe that's just him.

He thinks it's much more than people think it is, not just the electric shocks and carefree laughs.

He decides love is comfortable silences, something that burns bright but never truly dies; embers have their own quiet beauty. It'snever letting go and putting someone before everything and never, ever letting them fall. He'd like to be in love.

But he's not.

You know you're not either, so why don't you ever say something?

Jake was funny and clever, sure.

But clever wasn't enough for him. How could he respect someone who couldn't even grasp the basics of all the things he thought and did?

If they'd been in love, it wouldn't be so hard, but they weren't; he tried to set it aside anyway.

He set it aside and watched Jake struggle to understand why he was pulling away.

He loved him, yes. As his best friend, his brother.

So whenever Jake turned and looked at him, lost, he dutifully leaned down and kissed him, ignoring the bitter taste oflies and feeling nothing at all.

I'm always there, but where are you?

He could see every time Jake was upset or sad or anything, really. He was just an open person and incredibly easy to read.

So he reassured him, helped him up, eased his worries, solved his problems.

It was theleast he could do for making him fall in love with him.

But there was no one to smash the mask he put up, to rip his glasses aside and stare through his broken eyes and into his broken soul and order him to tell them how he really felt.

No one to break him down and build him back up, reroute his thinking and stop him from destroying himself piece by piece and understand without words that he'd always do the same for them too.

He sort of wished there was, because he was just so incredibly tired.

I never meant for any of this to happen.

I wish I could love you.

You deserve to be loved. By someone really wonderful.

But I can't.

I...can't.

I'm so sorry.