Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the story line.. that's mine.
~ Breaking Point ~
The weather that day seemed to have a way of fitting the mood perfectly; the delicate snowflakes that fell to the ground around them would stick in the mind of those attending the funeral that day. They stood for a moment, to take in the beautiful scene, a white blanket slowly covering the ground and they thought about how the whole day seemed perfect.
They carried on walking, close to each other, their footsteps making indentations in the snow beneath their feet as one woman hung behind them. Tears fell down her pale face, hitting the ground quickly as she hung her head low to avoid any eye contact with those around her. She bit down hard on her lower lip, trying her best to take a step forward when she stopped suddenly. She tried to tell herself that it was only a few more steps, and then she would be inside the church and it would be okay. But despite the warmth calling her, she couldn't bare to even think about moving.
Her body shook as she took one step, slowly moving one foot in front of the other, trying her best to take her time and hoping that maybe, if she took long enough then she wouldn't have to go into the church and she wouldn't have go face the nightmare that she knew was in front of her.
The tears started to fall heavier and heavier as she placed her foot in front of her once more, the church was only a step away now and then it would be true, she wouldn't be able to deny it anymore.
She looked around her, wrapping her arms around herself before collapsing onto her knees, hot, heavy tears ran down her ashen face, carving their way down as her chest ached with loud, heartbreaking sobs that she finally let out. Her hand clutched at her top as she tried to stop herself from hurting, as she tried her best to stop the pain but nothing could work – he was gone, and that was it.
She felt the sudden urge to curl up in the snow, wanting it to cover her up; suffocating her so she could join him, till death do us part, seemed like a huge joke now. The was no 'parting', it carried on hurting and she carried on wishing that death wasn't the end. She shook her head at the thought though, she knew she had people who loved her and people who cared about her – she wouldn't be able to leave them behind, leaving them with the same pain she felt.
She heaved a deep sigh as someone gently placed their hand on her shaking shoulder, her eyes meeting those of the man standing above her. He smiled weakly at her, putting his hands on her arms to help her up. She tried to mutter a small thank you, the words unable to fall from her mouth as she nodded instead.
She inhaled sharply, biting hard on her lower lip and closing her eyes for a second, ready to take that very last step into the rest of her life. The warm air hit her body immediately, causing her to stumble a little, longing to be back out in the cold where feeling seemed to numb. She shook it off, knowing he would have wanted her to be in this church, this would have meant a lot to him.
Her legs shook as she walked down the long isle, sitting away from everyone else as she wrapped her arms around her legs, resting her chin on her knees when she sat down. She wanted to close her eyes and think about something else, anything else, she wanted to remember the time they argued, she wanted relive the memory of him telling her he loved her, she wanted to recall the time when he got down on one knee and asked her to marry him and she wanted to treasure their wedding day for as long as she possibly could.
Her eyes trailed down to the front of the church, knowing she should be sitting over there but she couldn't stand to be that close to the coffin, she couldn't think about how close she would be to his cold, dead body. She shuddered at the thought and dug her nails into her skin. She liked it by here; close enough to know what was going on, close enough to make him happy that she was here but far enough to not be able to imagine him laying in that box.
She didn't dare move throughout the whole service, staring blankly ahead of her as she rocked herself back and forth slightly, listening to the words but never really hearing them until her name was called.
Her heart started to beat louder and louder until she was sure everyone else could hear it thumping against her chest, tears glazed her eyes as she shook her head. She gulped when a familiar brunette walked over to her, taking her hand in hers and walking her over to the coffin, whispering gentle words of encouragement in her ear. She knew she had to do this.
Tears flowed down her face as she walked down the isle, remembering all too well the last time she had been here – her wedding day. She looked around, it would never be the church in which she had the happiest day of her life, it was now the church where all her nightmares had come true.
Her lip trembled as she turned to face everyone, clearing her throat, she shut her eyes for a small moment, not wanting to look at all those faces staring back at her – the faces of people who loved him and people he loved back, the faces of his friends and family, the faces of people he had spoken to and laughed with, the faces of those connected with him, all of them a small piece of his life, a life that was cruelly snatched away.
She knew her voice too well, she knew that as soon as she spoke all the control she had at the moment would break and she would breakdown in front of everyone. But she knew she had to do this, if not for herself, then for him; he deserved a final goodbye.
"I-I..." She trailed off, a small blush creeping onto her cheeks as she stuttered over her first words, tears now falling freely down her face, dripping onto the stand in front of her, "I don't really have anything planned to say to you all..." She gulped, her voice a gentle whisper as she tried her best to build up the courage to tell everyone exactly how she felt about the man she loved so much.
"I-I l-loved him so much.. too much some of you might say... he-he was everything to me, he was my world.. the only constant in my life and I r-really don't know how to cope without him." She turned to face that dreaded box, knowing that the love of her life was in there,
"I uh- I.. even from the beginning, I knew that he was the one.. I was too scared to admit it for so long.. but when I finally did.. I just knew that he would be the one I spend the rest of my life. It got to a point when I couldn't even go a day without thinking about him, I needed him next to me.. I-I relied on him to keep me going when I got back from work..." She paused, taking a moment to look around at the swarm of faces, all staring at her, some sobbed, some cried onto the shoulder of the person next to them, others stared at her with tears running down their pale faces.
"We only got married two years ago but to us.. it felt like a lifetime... we loved each other so much, we knew everything about the other and.. it was perfect.." She laughed a little, shaking her head before looking down at the floor,
"I can't even begin to tell you what I will miss about him the most but I'll miss everything he ever did for me.. I will miss the way he would hold me when I cried, I will miss the way I would wake up in the morning and find him staring at me, I miss the way he would get me anything I wanted, even if I begged him not to.. I will miss the way he would kiss me whenever he could... but most of all I will miss the way he loved me." She took a deep breath, tears falling down her cheeks as she spoke,
"I didn't think finding a love like that would be possible but he proved me wrong in every single way and I have no idea what I am going to do without him... I don't think there is a life without him if I'm honest... I just... I-I miss him so much that it hurts, I close my eyes every night and I see him there and I just want to stay with him, I would do anything to go back to that night and make sure that nothing happened.. I would do anything to bring him back to me.." She put her hand over her mouth as her closest friend quickly stood up to wrap her arms around her shaking body, soothing her quietly as they walked back to her seat.
The woman shook as she sobbed quietly, gripping onto her friend as though she was a lifeline, reminding her that life went on, life carried on and on, it doesn't matter who dies – even if it's the love of your entire life – people move on and they expect you to do the same. But how could she, when there was no need to anymore?
It wasn't long before she found herself standing outside once more, the snow falling down as she wrapped her arms around herself, pretending it was him for a second before she saw the coffin, a lone tear fell down her face as it was lowered into the newly dug hole in the ground, bumping against the sides a little before finally landing on the ground with a large thump.
She jumped at the sound, gulping a little as she dug her nails into her skin, wanting to be able to feel something other than the heartbreak she could feel right then. The snow carried on falling, coating the white coffin with an extra later of pure white, just another blanket to keep the person inside a little safer.
She could hear people crying once more as soon as the coffin had hit the ground, she stared down at the box for a little while half expecting the person to jump out and tell them it was all a horrible joke, and then she would hit him and tell him how much she hated him. It would take a month or so but she would forgive him. She would rather that happen at the moment, wanting it to be one sick joke instead of the real thing.
After a little while she watched as people started to leave, some leaning down to place a flower onto the coffin, while others chucked a small amount of dirt onto the perfect blanched surface.
But she stayed, despite the snow, the harsh wind and the bitter cold, she stayed there and stared down at the hole, wondering what he looked like in there, if there would be any sign of the handsome man he once was.
That's my husband in there. Slowly being buried in the ground.. that's my husband.
She felt someone walk up behind her, putting a hand on her shaking shoulder, she looked behind her and nodded at the person, "Come on, let's go get you into the warm." She nodded, biting down on her lip as the man wrapped his arm around her waist and led her over to the cars.
"Thanks Reid." She whispered as he helped her into the car, nodding at his friend as he climbed in after her. She put her head on his shoulder as they drove away, looking back at the hole as tears streamed down her face, she wondered for a moment if the pain would ever stop, if the tears would ever stop falling or if her heart would ever heal. Then again, she thought.... probably not.