The Grand Tale of Cliches

disclaimer: I don't own a thing but the snide remarks and dialogue, that sh!t is all mine.

This is a total spoiler for those that haven't played the game.

The game is, the Rpg: Fallout 3: Takes place in post nuclear war Washington DC.

Today's rule is Cliche # 6 The Single parent rule which states: Rpg characters will only have one parent. Boys have mothers and girls have fathers. The other parent either fell off a cliff, is abducted by aliens, evaporated, or ran away. Most likely the remaining parent will come to an untimely end or something that renders the kid an orphan. Thus that will began his/her search for a new way to survive on his/ her own.

"Hurry up, record the time and the date." Dad yelled at some guy beside him. "Look dear, isn't our baby beautiful, she looks just like me."

"Yes dear, she looks just like you." Mom was lying next to me on some table, I could barely see her. I guess that was because I was just born and my eyes had just opened for the first time, that or they had no lights in the place.

"Hello there little one, I'm glad you didn't come out mutated with a third arm." Dad picked me up and I tried to say 'Please put clothes on me I'm cold' but instead I mumbled something, he named me Carla and showed me a computer generated image of me in the future. [Bleep] I look good when I get older. I was admiring myself when mom began to get more attention than me. And then I, the newborn, was rushed out of the room. There was a black out and the next thing I know, I'm a one year old, Aging mutation? I don't know.

Dad locks me in a cage in a room with baby things in it and goes to his science job, a good father would have at least made sure there was a lock on the door. After I easily push the baby cage door open, I head out and sit in the middle of the floor of the room. I waited until he got back, I passed the time by reading a book called, 'You're Special', I hope they mean in a good way. When he does get back he reads me mom's favorite bible verse, and speaking of mom, where is she. I'm sure breast milk is much healthier than this radiated [Bleep] I'm drinking. I followed dad, yeah that's right he didn't carry me, to work after the bible verse and then there's another black out, and I'm at my tenth birthday party. They really need to take care of my aging mutation before I hit 100 in the next few seconds, come on dad, you're the scientist here.

At the party my best friend Amata gives me this awesome comic book, she "borrowed forever" from her father, the overseer/ guy in charge of everything. Then whats his name clamped my first ever pip boy to my arm, it's like this huge storage of information...or a big ass watch.

Everyone else just gave me a bunch of crap but it was all worth it when I met up with Dad and Jonas, dad's work buddy, and they gave me my very own worn-out BB gun. I went to some home made shooting range in their lab to shoot some targets but this huge irradiated roach came out of nowhere.

"Holy Fuck!" The roach came out of nowhere, so I admit I was freaked out but then again who would actually be content with one of these things around. " Look at the size of that thing!"

"It's just a rad-roach my child, try killing it with your gun" Dad and Jonas stood there like that thing was normal. This roach is 2 feet long, 2 feet! If there wasn't a stack of bags keeping that thing at bay, I would have ran. Instead I shot the thing, like a real man. Dad was proud of my killing skills, and we took a picture together, the flash blinded me and then I turned 16. I sighed deeply, it only took 30 minutes for me to go from 0 to 16 yrs old.

I was still standing next to Dad, but this time he was examining me in his lab. He told me I was completely healthy, although I thought he was a quack I didn't voice the opinion I felt sick. Instead I went to school, which is literally in the next room. That's one good thing about the vault, everything is close together. I guess because it saved on expenses and time, when you're making an underground nuclear safe zone to live in forever, to build everything close to each other. However, "The vault" is a horrible name, they should have tried 'Underground paradise' or ' Big ass Cage'. The day was long I beat up some guys messing with Amata, took a test, passed with flying colors, then went to bed. Guess what, another blackout, and now I'm 19.

The next day instead of waking up to the sound of sugar pops crackling in my cereal bowl I have Amata in my face telling me dad has left the vault without me! Jonas is dead and now her father is looking for me, life sucks so bad right now, leaving the vault is a big no no. Amata tried to give me a gun but I refused, that couldn' t possibly help me in this situation, it would only create more unnecessary violence.

I have to go after my father because obviously that is what he want's me to do since he didn't bring me along for the epic escape, kind of late for childhood games like follow the leader, but whatever. I try to make it out of the Vault, alive, but people are shooting at me, guess I should have taken Amata's gun but its to late for regret all I have now is my trusty baseball bat so...DIE VAULT FIEND! I make it out alive, unfortunately some people had to die for my safety, sorry if dodge the bullets isnt my favorite game, and I had to kill you to win, but that's life.

I make it out side of the vault and into the wasteland, then I make my way to megaton a city not far from the exit, and yes, it is a shit whole in the middle of nowhere, well actually, everything is shit out here in the wasteland. There are so many weird people, like the standard hobo sitting outside the gates asking for purified water like people have it on hand. okay I had some but I was stingy. Here the only helpful persons is the ex-killer and the resident zombie! They told me who in the town has money and who knows where my father is, too bad I had to steal the info and money from the same guy, but he was an asshole and tired to make me pay for it the info, so it balances out in my book plus, I'm not broke anymore. I go through a shit storm and back to find my father after that, and it wasn't a bucket of fun in the least.

Here is my quick rundown of basic evil and possibly highly radiated things that you should stay away from while out in the waste-land, if you can. Ever hear of super-mutants, there ugly and fast...almost like the hulk and they never calm down from there crack withdrawal phases, ever. So when one see you it's always 'TIME FOR YOU TO DIE! NOW'...or 'I WILL EAT YOUR ARM...AFTER I KILL YOU!', how lovely. Next wasteland asshole might be Raiders and they will kill you, plain and simple. They will kill you, take your supplies and chain your lifeless body to the ceiling like a spring time decoration, very lovely. Paradise falls, is an ironic oxymoron, they sale slaves. I went there a few times, gave them a few slaves, robbed their gun shop, then freed all slave because I felt bad and, I killed all the slavers too...don't judge me, that was good Karma so people will think I'm a good person now, especially since I blew Megaton up...I mean since that bomb went off unpredictably. Anyway, Feral ghouls basically means crazy zombie, but they always carry money and drugs you can pick off their body once, if, you kill it, that's the plus side. The negative is that they want to eat your flesh, as do most wasteland animals, but ghouls like to run full speed at you and swipe a chunk off, ouch, plus zombies freak me the fuck out, I recommend just blasting their heads off. In short, there are many dangerous and radiated creatures that want to make you a three course meal, slave, or human trophy. My advise would be run like a bitch if you can, especially from mirelurks and anything else with 1ft+ claws.

After that helltastic journey I finally meet up with my Dad, in a computer generated word . He's a dog now because he wouldn't do the bad things the little girl with the man voice told him to do in the virtual world. Word of advise father, you ALWAYS do what the manipulative little girl tells you to do if you want to live. I got us out of there by killing everyone...well technically the Chinese army that I programmed to come in and kill them all did it for me but whatever we are free.

"Dad hug me!..Project what? The water...Purify it...fuck, the water! Do you know what I went through to find you? I'm not taking any tone with you..I...You...-trollface- Fine dad, I'll help you purify water for the good of mankind and some shit...ugh."

After another craptastic voyage to Rivet city, another shithole city but this time its a ship in radiated water, we assemble the best science team that would put the smart ass scientific nerd commonwealth society to shame.

"Come on guys! lets go annihilate the supermutants in this purify plant and make clean water for all of humanity, why are you looking at me like that? Go in already...what do you mean you all cant fight...you weak cowards!"

Dad and his science team are a bunch of science nerds, and that is it, so he asked me to take on the hulktrolldolls aka supermutants by myself, I know who isn't getting that #1 dad cup this year!

I finally kill everything and come out to get them bloody, bruised, possibly fractured in all my limbs, but thats okay, I'm saving humanity. Once we get inside I have to hook up some stuff, I mean seriously, not fair. Anyways we go inside and dad wants to talk with me about some things he needs me to do before we get this thing on the road.

"I just killed atleast 10 supermutants, and you cant even go drain the basement yourself...If I wanted to be a slave, I would have sold myself in Paradise Falls...Did I blow up Megaton...Gee Dad, this is so sudden, what kind of question is that to ask your daughter, you shouldn't listen to everything you hear around the waste land, of course I didn't."

Actually I did, but he said we would talk about it later so, I assume he forgives me for mass homicide already, plus I'm saving humanity's ass with him...it'll balance out, but anyways, I go and drain that basement like he asked.

Once I finally get back to dad the Enclave shows up and demands the purifier. I forgot to mention them in my list of assholes because, well I thought the didnt exists. The enclave is supposedly the government still watching over the people, holding elections, making things safer and killing the commies. Anyways, Dad sacrifices himself so I, and some scientists, can escape from the Enclave. Actually they shot a lady which I guess triggered dad to go kamikaze and take out the Enclave members, Personally that was a horrible idea I think.

" You have got to be kidding me! After all of this you just die and now I have to protect Dr. Li, the queen bitch, and her lackeys...that's it, I'm going back underground."

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yeah all of that was un-betaed shit hope you enjoyed