Note: Defeat and Departure were written as stand alone fics, but the story didn't seem to stop there for me – so here I go... onwards. These fics were originally inspired by Azure Horizon/Gater101's brilliant fic 'Surrender'.
Warning: Still sad. Pls note this is set in an AU world now, so I am playing around with the timeline therefore it will not fit the canon timeline. (I am going with the chaos theory of alternate realities where events change in their timing.)
Disclaimers: I own no part of the Stargate world, I make no money from this endeavour. It allows me to let my muse out to play.
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Summer was fast approaching the lands of New Athos. It would the Athosians' first summer on this world since they relocated here three months ago. But, though the air was warming and the days were longer, it still continued to rain a little every day. It reflected Teyla's continuing mood quite aptly.
Though she had once again returned to living with her people, and assumed the mantle of a leader, so much had changed. Her people so fewer in number and still slightly bitter from their time landlocked on the mainland from Atlantis had elected for a small council to lead them from now onwards. Teyla had been chosen among the five, as had Halling, but deep inside Teyla felt they had done so to pacify her. They were glad to see her returned to her people, but no one could miss the changes to her.
It had been three and a half months since John died and over a year since she had last kissed him or held him. That single fact haunted her. They had parted emotionally long before his death, but she regretted her behaviour. She should have confronted him about it. Pushed for resolution. An argument would have helped, would have been a way to either break down the growing walls between them or to clarify their separation.
The truth she believed and clung to was that they had still loved each other, but life and living had gotten in the way of that. Love had not been enough. It had not saved them and it certainly had not saved him.
At night as she listened to the swaying branches of the forest near the camp she could almost believe she could hear him breathing beside her again. She dreamt of him almost every night. At first they had been horrific nightmares of his death, of his pain. Then they had morphed into dreams of an endless search for him. Nights she woke reaching for him, though she had not done so for so long even before his death.
Then had come the dreams of regret and guilt. In those dreams she relived the silences and bitter memories she had of their last year together. In them she was the most horrid version of herself and her memories were twisted and cruel. She would waken bathed in sweat and crying, still begging him for forgiveness though she knew he was gone and she was alone in her tent.
In the bright light of day she knew she had not been so cruel to him, but in his eternal absence she magnified her regrets. She worked hard for her people, helping to build a new home. The fields of grain and vegetables were blooming and the harvest would be magnificent. This new planet was a true blessing for her people.
Her other former people, those of Atlantis, visited occasionally. They brought items for trade, updates on the war against the Wraith and had warned them of an impending culling. Rodney visited several times a month to her surprise. She believed he was doing so not only to keep a connection with her and their past team, but perhaps in some way he did so for John; checking she was alright. She enjoyed his visits, but it only hurt more when he left and she was reminded of all that had occurred and what had been lost.
Several times she had almost gone back to Atlantis with him, desperate for that past connection and to play a role in actively fighting the Wraith again. A part of her missed the beautiful Atlantis and her life of powerful purpose there. But, she did not return with him. Ronon had asked her to several times before he too left Atlantis. Without John or herself he had said the place had not felt like home any more. She had invited him to stay on New Athos, but he declined instead he went out and formed a small group of warriors who fought the Wraith. During Rodney's visits he would report if they had heard anything from Ronon, but there had been no reports of Ronon for over a month now. She prayed he was safe and well.
She returned her focus to her work, building the fire beneath the cooking pot. She had no conscious memories of the preparation the stew she had just made, as her mind had been so lost in its common internal wanderings. That was how she spent her days; hard physical labour or training, with dark repetitive internal thoughts that showed no hint of ever ending. And some part of her never wanted it to. She never wanted to forget her short years on Atlantis and her lost husband from another galaxy. Never wanted to forget the pain and difficulty of her marriage. She clung to it like some internal form of self torture. She knew it wasn't very healthy of her, but it was all she had right now.
"Teyla?" Kanaan's voice broke into her thoughts and she looked up and round from her task. He stood in the tent entrance, his eyes worried as they always were. He and Halling were two of her closest and longest held friends and they both knew the difficulties she had faced these past months. She knew they worried and they worked relentlessly, yet gently, to draw her out and into a full life once again. She valued her friends, but she was not ready for that and doubted she would ever be. So Teyla prepared herself for the invitation or suggestion that Kanaan would now make and was ready to gently refuse it.
"Yes Kanaan?"
"Doctor McKay is here."
That surprised her. She had not expected him for another week, but his schedule was always changing or perhaps he had news of Ronon. A sharp flashback hit her of Rodney arriving to tell her of John's death. Praying that this was not another repeat of bad news she asked Kanaan to tell Rodney where she was.
Long moments passed during which she prepared herself to be strong; she told herself that Ronon was safe. Rodney was just visiting early that was all. The flap parted and Rodney stepped into the tent his eyes searching the space until they latched onto her. He looked happy, yet nervous. A sense of relief swept over her; Ronon was alright.
"Hello Rodney." She greeted him as she headed towards him to hug him as was their custom.
"We found him." Rodney burst out before she reached him.
"Ronon? Is he alright?" Teyla asked, the hug forgotten.
A frown crossed Rodney's face. "Well, no we still haven't heard from Ronon. I meant… John."
"What?" Teyla asked too shocked to take his words seriously. "Rodney, John has been dead for almost four months." She explained, wondering for a moment if this was her Rodney.
"No, I know. It wasn't him, or any of them." Rodney spluttered out at a fast pace, his hands waving through the air and his eyes bright with excitement. "It turns out it was the Genii. They had been tracking us, looking for an opportunity to grab several of our people with the Ancient gene. They started the fire and went in the back and grabbed our guys. The cries I heard were the other people in the house or even them fighting the Genii. Bodies were added to the house before hand and their tags were added to the bodies."
"What?" Teyla asked again. She could not believe this, could not process the news. Could it be true? Rodney did not seem to notice her lack of excitement. "How can you be sure?"
"There's been a take over of the Genii government. A new leader, Ladon Radim has taken control, killing Cowen and his elite guard. He wants an alliance with us and as a peace offering he immediately released our people back to us. Carson's done tests on the one body buried on the mainland and the other two are going to exhumed back on Earth. The burnt body he's tested so far indicates death was due to radiation poisoning, not from burning to death. We never did an autopsy you see, because Ronon and I practically witnessed the death, there was no doubt. And the bodies were so badly burnt….it wasn't them, Teyla."
He finally finished his rapid speech and Teyla began to feel hope. "Where are they?"
"Back in Atlantis. We had to wait for the first their test results to come back and the first autopsy report before we were sure."
"How is he? How are they?" She asked her heart hammering in her chest. Was she dreaming this?
Rodney's excitement faded slightly. "They've been through a lot. It seems the Genii were unsuccessful in creating a gene therapy of their own, so they experimented on how our people could active ancient technology. They…tortured them to make them use their gene. They were pretty badly treated; the marine isn't doing too well, so I think he'll be sent back to Earth pretty soon."
"John?" She whispered his name, unsaid since his funeral.
Rodney looked straight into her eyes. "He's alive Teyla. He's alive."
--
Once again she was walking through Atlantis' corridors on her way to the Infirmary with Rodney trailing behind. As she walked she worked on trying to calm her buzzing nerves. Relief, disbelief, joy and fear all jumbled together within her, making her palms sweat and her heart pound in her chest.
As she walked she noticed the subtle changes to the city around her. She passed people she did not recognise and those she did looked slightly different. The uniform had been changed to black, and their eyes held the strain of events they had lived through these past months. Many smiled at her, their expressions bright. But, of course they would be; they lost had been returned.
But, Teyla could not feel bright herself. She needed to see him to know without a doubt that he was alive and who they all believed him to be. What panicked her was what she would say to him, would he even want to see her? The last time they had seen each other had not been on good terms.
The Infirmary doors came into view and she clasped her necklace tightly through her top. The two rings solid and real under her palm.
The doors opened and she walked now carefully into the busy space. Carson spied her immediately from across the crowded room, his smile portraying his pleasure at seeing her once again. Then he nodded over to her right, to an area partitioned off. Slowly she weaved her way through the people, aware that many had recognised her and were no doubt speculating about what was about to happen. She ignored it all. She knew there had been whispers about the marriage long before…there had been no death, but she had mourned like there had been one. She had lived like a widow and had cried so many tears. An odd resentment lingered to life in her heart, familiar suddenly. Why did she always seem to resent John? She had resented his alliances before, his work and now even his pseudo death. That was no way to be thinking now. No way to be feeling.
Slipping through the partitions she entered a quieter space that contained several beds, all surrounded by curtains. A shout made her start and two nurses pushed gently past her to enter the first curtain area to her left. As the curtains parted she saw Lieutenant Phillips; the marine who had been thought dead along with John and Lorne. She was struck by what she saw. He was terribly thin and obviously terrified. He clawed at something unseen before him, and was begging to be left alone. The nurses tried to soothe him, but he struggled against them, fighting for his life. A syringe was injected into his arm and he quickly began to quieten down, falling sleepily back against the bright white pillows behind him.
The curtains slid shut again leaving Teyla more distressed than before. What had happened to the strong marine she remembered? What would be left of John? She turned towards the other two beds and slowly moved forward.
The furthest bed's curtains were slightly open at the corner and she moved close enough to be able to see between them but not too close. And she saw him.
He was asleep on his side, lying towards her. She heard herself gasp, heard the tears in her throat. He was much thinner than before, yet his body was obviously still toned, the hard muscular lines creating sharp lines to his slightly emaciated form. She had to wonder how he had been living that had meant that he needed to be so active, yet so obviously undernourished. He was tucked up as he slept, it a defensive position protecting himself even whilst he slept and it cut into her.
She edged slightly closer and his face came more into view and she saw the line of a scar running down the right side of his face. It ran from his outer eyebrow down over his cheekbone to a wide edge at his jaw line. The wound was well healed, but she was horrified at the knowledge of what the injury must have been like.
None of that all hid the startling reminder of how very handsome her husband was. His darkened skin stark against the white sheets on which he slept accentuated his dark hair and eye lashes. She remembered those eyelashes closed on his cheeks as he had slept beside her. Remembered kissing them so long ago. She longed to touch him, to feel him alive and breathing beneath her hands. But, she held back.
"He's doing quite well." Carson said softly from behind her.
She did not turn to him as he arrived beside her. "He is so thin."
"They are all a little malnourished, but not too badly. Physically they are all in a pretty good state considering."
She heard and understood what he implied. That the damage they really received had not been physical. She looked back over her shoulder to Phillips' bed.
"John is the best of the three of them. He will be fine, with enough rest, food and time."
She nodded, still unwilling to say a word. "It is truly them?" She finally asked.
"Aye love, it's them. The second autopsy came in from Earth; same results. The Genii made a switch and fooled us all. I'm sorry, luv." His eyes focused on the sleeping John. "They must have thought we would be looking for them all these months, but we never knew they were missing." The sadness in the doctor's words pushed at her own and the tears threatened to gather in her eyes. "Would you like to sit with him for a while? He doesn't sleep for too long at a time." She hesitated. "I'm sure it would do him good to see as many familiar faces as possible."
Teyla wasn't sure if John would consider her a pleasurable face to see right now. He had enough problems to deal with without their marriage issues. But, Carson was right, John deserved to see her and in truth she needed to know he was truly alright. So she moved quietly to sit down in a chair near his bed. Not too close.
Sitting closer she could see the dark circles under his eyes and the freshly shaven cheeks. His hands, tucked up under his chin defensively had scratches and bruises on them and his nails looked as if they had recently been scrubbed clean.
She contemplated what she should say, what she wanted to say and what she was feeling. The unsuccessful internal debate ended swiftly as his eyes snapped open, his body jerking. He looked up and around, checking the area around him quickly and especially behind him. The shock passed and he shook his head and returned his cheek to the pillow and his eyes finally laid on her.
She saw the recognition and surprise. A long torturous moment extended as he took her in, his eyes assessing, his expression flickering through various emotions too fast for her to identify. What mental state would he be in?
Then as if finally waking up he blinked and his eyes cleared and suddenly John Sheppard was looking back at her once again.
"Teyla." He said in greeting, his voice slightly scratchy yet so familiar and so good to hear.
"John." She replied, smiling slightly at him as she worked not to show how upset she was feeling.
He shifted out of his foetal sleeping position and worked to sit upright. As he did she saw bruises on his arms and the way he moved betrayed his weaker state. He cleared his throat, embarrassed, and leant back into his pillows. Reaching out she steadied the top pillow behind his head until he rested against it. He gave her a small thank you nod.
He settled back and his arms came up to cover his chest, as if he was expected to be struck in the chest. He caught himself doing so and with effort moved his arms down, crossing them over his chest, but he was obviously not happy with that so he laid them in his lap.
To see him so emotionally and physically unsettled and uncomfortable was startling to her. John was a man who had always been strong and defiant. And he still was, but now she could see the pain and the suffering clearly beneath it all. She wanted to wrap her arms around him, hold him tightly to her and beg him to forget everything that had happened between them, but she wasn't even sure what had happened between them. He had caused so much stress and then pain in his leaving that instinctively some part of her wanted to keep him away. But, he was alive and breathing before her once again.
"They told me you left." He said.
The words felt harsh and though true she felt injured by them.
"My people relocated to a new planet, New Athos. I decided not to remain on Atlantis." She wanted to add that it was because his absence was too painful but the words would not come. "We thought you were dead."
"So I heard." He said with a sarcastic breathy laugh. As he did he looked around him, his eyes checking the area around him once again. He was on edge, looking for any possible attack. In the distance Phillips shouted again briefly. John sat upright and looked out through the gap in the curtains towards the sound, his eyes abruptly wild and worried.
What had they done to these men? What had they done to her husband? Anger flared up inside her kicking aside the softer emotions that were threatening to swallow her. How dare anyone do this to these people and especially to John?!
She reached out and covered one of his hands slowly so as not to startle him. He blinked at her briefly, and then looked back out towards Phillips.
"The nurses are taking good care of him, John." She said with conviction. It seemed to help and he settled slowly back against his pillows. His skin was warm under her hand and she squeezed his hand reassuringly.
"I know. We're just used to looking out for each other." He replied his eyes and manor calming. He looked at her, his gaze assessing her. "Your hair has grown." He said.
She smiled at that and nodded. His hand still sat beneath hers but he had not turned his hand to hold hers as he had done so often in the distant past. But he had not moved away. His hand was so solid and real under hers and beneath her fingers she could feel the scratches and hurts he had received.
Tears were running down her cheeks before she even realised they were in her eyes. His hand turned under hers and he held her hand.
She wiped at her face with her free hand, embarrassed at her sudden emotion. "I am glad you have been returned to us, John."
"I'm glad to be back too." He replied softly.
"I regretted how…" She began, but she did not know what to say.
"Forget it, Teyla. Things happened and changed. I understand that. If I hadn't been kidnapped by Genii then our marriage would have been over months ago. It was already over wasn't it?" He asked.
The frank honesty was rather intense in wake of her own emotional state. She looked up into his eyes and saw that something had changed there. She saw a raw ruthlessness there now, no doubt born from the fires of his torture and pain he had suffered of late. She remembered the numbness she had felt until these past few months and saw it reflected in his eyes now. He was pushing it all aside as she had done before. He wanted to push her aside now as well she realised. Had she not wanted that anyway?
She nodded, unable even now to say the words.
He nodded, his eyes moving back to the gap in the curtains, eyes assessing everything. "Things die, Teyla." He uttered quietly. "Even the most precious things." He squeezed her hand briefly and then his fingers loosened from around hers.
She pulled her hand down from his bed to lie in her lap. The end had come at the most bizarre and painful of times.
"You will always be precious to me John." She whispered. "I would hate to lose your friendship."
He nodded silently and that helped slightly. There was a long empty pause.
"Have you seen Ronon?" He asked his tone conversational now.
"No not for a couple of months. The last report we heard was that he and his warriors attacked a cloning facility of the Wraith." She replied and tried not to feel the heartbreak, tried not to let him hear it in her voice. She was a friend once again and nothing more.
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