Loving Him
By Narrator63
Summary: By the time she knew she loved him, it was already too late.
888
Loving him was never meant to happen.
The attraction she had felt the first time she had walked into that briefing room had been harshly pushed away and locked up. Kept there long enough Carter knew those primitive feelings would eventually disappear. After all, lusting after ones commanding officer was not something the US Air Force would approve of and Captain Samantha Carter was always the prefect little air force officer.
That primitive virus they encountered only months later, smashed that box she had hidden her feelings in and she ended up trying to jump her commanding officer. Afterwards those pesky feelings of hers were just a little bit harder to push to the back of her mind. Feelings she flat out refused to examine in fear that what she felt was more than simple lust.
By the time they were rescued from the icy wilderness of Antarctica she knew without a doubt that the lust she had originally felt had morphed into something more and this knowledge was even more distressing then before. Officers in the US air force definitely did not have school girl crushes on their commanding officers and so she ignored it and just pretended it didn't exist.
Of course the news that Daniel brought when he returned from that alternate universe had send her traitorous heart soaring. And while it saddened her to know that the alternative version of herself had lost her Jack, the knowledge that they had been together in the first place made the school girl inside her jump with joy. By the time she got a rein of her feelings this time she begun to suspect that her feelings run deeper then she originally thought.
The first time she realised he might return her feeling was when she became an unwilling host to a dying Tok'ra. This knowledge filled her with equal parts of joy and sadness. Joy they he felt something more for her and sadness that they would never be able to act on it. So she shoved her feelings in that blasted box and continued on as if nothing was wrong.
By the time they stumbled across another version of herself again she already knew her feelings had morphed from simple lust or silly school girl crushes. what she felt for her commanding officer was much more, she was even almost certain he returned those feelings. This time though, the knowledge that a version of herself and Jack had been able to openly love each other didn't fill her with joy. Instead she felt a deep seated dread take hold in her heart.
It seemed that these two worlds had one every important difference when compared with her own.
In both alternate realities, her and Jack were together and both worlds had ended with disaster, pain and death. Openly loving Jack, it seemed would result in his death and the loss of everything they held dear.
So, she attempted to crush her feelings, it was no longer just about regulations and air force careers or even the world changing work that they did so well together as a team. It was about keeping him safe.
Of course, mother nature had other plans, in the form of untested Tok'ra armbands. Armbands that decided to stop working at the most inconvenience time and it was while she was trapped behind that blasted forcefield she realised just how royally screwed they were. He refused to leave her even though she begged him to go and she knew the feelings she saw in his eyes were mirrored in her own as well. It was all there for each of them to see. Then they got oh so lucky and suddenly they were back to what doing what they always do running for their lives and ignoring their feelings.
Months later she had gotten so good at pretending she felt nothing more than respect and admiration for her commanding officer that by the time she realised why the fancy alien lie detector of the Tok'ra thought they were lying it was almost too late. With no other choice, they bared all to each other in front of their allies and friends. But those feelings so newly admitted were roughly shoved back into their respective boxes and unceremoniously left in that blasted room.
Then when she found herself trapped in that icy prison and with no memory of the warrior she truly was, she didn't realise the danger she was risking when she came across that carefully guarded box of secrets and unwillingly let them out. When she realised her mistake it almost broke her heart.
No sooner had she got control of those pesky feelings, then did she almost lose him. The fear, guilt and most of all love she felt lead her to take risks and in a daring move that spoke volumes about her feelings, she put her own life and earth's greatest alliance in danger in a desperate effort to save him.
And so the pattern continued. Time after time, year after year she refuses to allow her true feelings show and time after time, year after year it gets harder and more difficult. That pesky box is growing old and these forbidden emotions have grown strong. But she endures for she refuses to lose him like her alternate selves did. For while loving him may hurt, losing him would be beyond baring.