Edited once again by the amazing tumblr user eatingfireflies. We both cried a little *whispers* we cried a lot. Go check them out!
TW: Eating Disorders
Nitori was never satisfied with his body.
The hatred began when he noticed that no matter how hard he trained during swimming practice he never classified in any tournaments. He would often look at his teammates who successfully made it to the finals. They were all older and bigger than him and when he looked down at himself he only noticed the lack of muscle. Clearly that was the reason why he sucked at everything. The feeling of failure developed rapidly.
He was never good enough, not for his family, not for his few friends, not for himself. But worst of all, he was never good enough for Rin.
Nitori touched his stomach hoping to be satisfied with what he felt, just this one time, but disappointment quickly came over him. He hated the little roll that his stomach formed whenever he sat down, he hated the way his flabby thighs touched and the way they expanded into blobs of fat whenever he sat down. He hated not being able to feel any muscles at all and being unable to spot any kind of muscle tone on his body whenever he looked at himself in the mirror.
Nitori wished he look like the men in the magazines that Rin looked at and admired so much. It wasn't a preference for him, it was a need.
A need to lose fat and gain muscle.
"Loose fat, gain muscle. Loose fat, gain muscle. Loose fat, gain muscle." As if it was a prayer he repeated the same words every night quietly enough that Rin didn't hear.
If his friends knew they would say that it had gotten out of hand long ago. But for Nitori it was never enough. He began skipping meals, eating only protein bars and energy drinks, calories that he later exhausted by exercising to his furthest limit, to the point of nearly drowning himself sometimes.
For Nitori protein meant fat unless he burned it and turned it all into muscles.
A change of calorie intake meant a change of routine. Instead of waiting for Rin and handing him the towel when he gets out of the pool, Nitori made sure to train with him and do 200 more meters every day. Whenever he had the time, Nitori made sure to go down to the pool and practice by himself.
Rin notice the changes Nitori was going through. He barely ate anything but protein bars, which Rin found out when he noticed the amount of wrappers hidden under Nitori's bed, and he exercised whenever he had the chance, even if that meant skipping out on a night with Rin. And that wasn't the only reason that made Rin notice. Nitori had gotten a lot skinnier; his mood had completely changed from the cheerful person he used to be to a person full of apathy, even rage.
Rin though it was just a mood swing, every teenaged guy goes through those once in a while, but eventually he realized it wasn't going away, it was lasting too long for it to be a mere mood swing.
He finally decided to face Nitori about it head on.
"Ai." Rin whispered into Nitori's ear. It was a usual Friday night, they held each other naked , their clothes was on the floor and a pile of tissues and a used condom laid on the floor next to the bed .
"Yes, Rin-senpai?"Nitori was surprised. They were both used to just falling asleep in each other's arms, without talking.
" What's going on with you, Ai? You're hiding something so don't lie and just tell me." Rin spoke softly. His fingers traced Nitori's spine.
"W-what are y-you talking about?" Rin had always though that Nitori was his cutest when he stuttered, but not this time.
"Don't act stupid. You think I wouldn't notice your change of eating habits? And what's with all the swimming? Man, I thought I was obsessed." Rin added a chuckle at the end of his sentence hoping to soften the atmosphere.
"R-really? I haven't b-been doing those things on purpose. I guess I did it unconsciously." Rin felt Nitori tense in his arms. He was trying so hard to lie but Rin saw right through him.
"Don't make me ask you directly Ai, it's just going to be worse for both of us." Rin hated having to be direct with Nitori, it always ended up making both of them more awkward and nervous but he was getting irritated. He just wanted a direct answer.
"I-I really d-don't know what y-you're talking about." Rin heard Nitori gulp. He was afraid, no, he was terrified. Rin placed a small kiss on Nitori's head in attempt to calm him down.
"Are you trying to lose weight? Congratulations, you did it, now stop starving your body and get back to your usual habits, you're being stupid." 'Ugh', Rin thought, 'That came out a lot worse than I intended it to. I've never been good with words, dammit.'
"I don't know w-what y-you're t-t-talking about senpai."
"Stop denying it." Rin noticed that Nitori started to breathe harder, as if his lungs couldn't take in enough oxygen.
Nitori took a very deep breath. "I don't kn-" he started to say when he was interrupted by a booming voice.
"Ai!" Rin screamed this time, rage finally getting to him. He grabbed Nitori by his shoulders, forcing him to look at Nitori straight in the eyes.
Tears began flowing from Nitori's eyes as he began taking in sharp breaths repeatedly.
"I" a deep inhale interrupted Nitori's words. "I'm sorry." he managed to say in between gasps before the next breath. Rin lifted Nitori's back off the bed and helped him lean against the wall.
"Hey, hey calm down. Breathe, in and out, don't panic, nothing is going to happen." Rin held Nitori's shoulders and looked at him in the eyes as Nitori attempted to follow his instructions.
Tears slid down Nitori's cheeks, his eyes were red and gave away a look of desperation. Nitori placed one hand on his back, digging his nails into his skin, leaving clear red marks. Rin took his hand away, "Stop that, you're gonna hurt yourself. Breathe Ai, everything will be alright."
"M-my b-back." Nitori spoke in between breaths, "It f-f-feels weird ."*
Rin saw nothing wrong with Nitori, his back was just as it always had been, nice and soft. For the sakes of doing something he placed small kissed on the spot where Nitori had scratched.
"It'll be alright, just relax," Rin whispered in between kisses.
Nitori was finally beginning to control his breathing; little by little his sharp inhales were replaced by his sniffs and whines.
"That's it, there you go Ai. It'll be alright." Rin moved to wrap his legs around Nitori, embracing him from behind and leaving a small kiss on his shoulder.
Between sniffs this time Nitori finally spoke, "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I just…I just wanted to be a good swimmer and I wanted Rin-senpai to like me and…" Nitori broke out into tears.
"Skipping meals and over exercising isn't going to get you anywhere. " Rin had never been one for empathy but he tried understanding Nitori as much as he possibly could.
"I-I know b-but I-I didn't know what e-else to do and I'm just never g-good enough." Nitori's voice cracked and soft whimpers interrupted his sentences.
"Don't say that, don't ever say that." Rin spoke as softly as he could. He had never been in a situation where he had been as desperate to achieve something and his lack of empathy complicated the situation. Rin was worried, worried that Nitori was destroying his body for such a stupid reason, and worried that Nitori thought so lowly of himself.
"But…" Nitori tried to stop sniffing as much as he could and bent his legs, hugging them and burying his face onto his knees. "I'm not good at anything. I mean Rin-senpai a-and all of the others are so amazing at everything without even trying. I just want to be good at something without trying that hard. Anything will satisfy me."
"Don't be stupid ." Rin chose his words wisely, not wanting to say anything in a way that could easily be twisted. "Who told you you weren't good enough?"
""Well…"Nitori hesitated. "No one really but-"He was cut off by Rin.
"I think you're amazing." Rin buried his face against Nitori's shoulder and continued, "I don't know how you do it. You're always nice and calm, you're so patient and you're always smiling. You never get jealous or mad, or at least you're quick about letting it go…" Rin gulped, "I don't know how to do that, maybe you could teach me to be as amazing as you."
"I don't know what you're talking about, I mean I'm ju-" Nitori was interrupted again.
"Don't ever think you aren't worth anything ever again. You are my world; you are my everything. I don't know where I would be without you. If I had been you I would have left me long ago. Kicked me in the balls and hoped that I never crossed my path again" Rin chuckled, he sniffed, holding back tears.
Nitori blushed and nodded, "I'm sorry."
"Anyway," Rin placed a small kiss on Nitori's cheek, " You need to start eating better again and regulating your exercise routine or you'll end up in the hospital and I don't think I would be able to live on hospital food so don't you do that to me."
Nitori giggled and sniffed. "Ok…T…Thank you senpai." A small tear slid down from his eye down his cheek.
Rin pulled Nitori down to the bed with him and kept him in his arms.
"I love you Aiichirou ."
"I love you too Rin."
*Woop woop info note: From what I have experienced and learned from some people who I know and have had a panic attack you often get a realyl horrible feeling around your chest/back area as if something was missing but at the same time there. It's complicated. But yeah.
I hope I did this right :/ I also hope you cried a little. Not because it was bad though… but because it was sad If you know anyone who is suffering from a eating disorder make sure to get help! These things can kill guys!
Anyways remember that requests are closed and that a multi chap is being written right now so yeah uwu (f u tumblr I can use whatever emoticon I want)