Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon a Time, just writing for fun. Also, this story is by no means meant to be taken seriously, so expect some OOC-ness and whatnot.

Rated: M for language

Chapter One

In Which Maleficent is a Colossal Bitch

The hat expanded as it spun, enveloping the two figures waiting for passage. Darkness, a suffocating vice and suddenly the two were standing in a familiar dining hall. Jefferson picked up his hat and dusted the top where it had made contact with the dusty floor and once again he had to wonder why, with all his power, the Dark One didn't use his magic to eradicate the dust that settled over the entire castle. He glanced at his partner, Dr. Frankenstein and flashed him a crooked grin. "See? Magic is more useful than science," he declared, placing the hat firmly on his head.

Frankenstein lofted a brow. "Excuse me? It was my science that allowed us to procure the artifact."

"No," the Hatter pointed out. "It was your carrying on about color that allowed us to procure the artifact because you frightened them, they believed you mad."

The doctor frowned. "I am not used to these colors you speak of. Such as my hair, you said it was…blonde?"

"Yes, Doctor, you have blonde hair, very good."

A giggle permeated the air and the pair glanced over to the table where a figure appeared. The imp was dressed to impress in rich reds and deep browns and he stood with a flourish now that he had their attention. "Did you get it?" he asked.

Frankenstein held out the glowing sphere as proof of their victory. "This is what she wanted."

Rumplestiltskin held his hand open for the sphere and Frankenstein dropped it into a green-tinted palm. The Dark One held it aloft and examined it, lips stretched wide as he nodded in approval. "Good, good," he muttered. "Now the deal can be completed," he finished theatrically waving his empty hand through the air. "Come, come there's not a moment to lose!"

"If it's all the same to you, I'd rather go back to my own land now, you hardly need me there to deliver the thing," Frankenstein piped in as Rumplestiltskin beckoned them close.

"You don't want to reap the rewards?" Jefferson asked, canting his head to the side. "She said she would pay handsomely, why pass that up?"

"Are you afraid of the big, bad witch?" the Dark One taunted.

Frankenstein grumbled and put up no more argument as he and the Hatter stood by Rumplestiltskin. He tucked the sphere into the safety of his tunic before he grabbed hold of the others and vanished and a cloud of red smoke. They appeared in a dark throne room, the only light from the flickering fire set deep in the hearth. There was an ornate throne placed before the fire and a figure stirred upon their arrival before a beautiful woman came to view, standing to an impressive height. Her blond hair was done up in intricate twists and braids and her gown was of the finest make. She smiled serenely at the trio and gently placed her hands together.

"You were successful," she said.

"Of course, dearie," Rumplestiltskin replied, withdrawing the sphere.

"What's he going on about? He didn't even do anything," the doctor muttered.

"You'll have to get used to that," Jefferson replied. "It comes with being the Dark One, it's best not to try and fight him for the spotlight."

"I can hear you both," the Dark One snapped.

"As can I and you're wasting my time," Maleficent added sharply. She held her hand out. "Now give me my property."

"Ah, it's not quite your property yet," Jefferson pointed out. "You haven't given us our reward."

"On the contrary, it is mine, it was stolen from me."

"You let someone steal from you? I thought you were a powerful sorceress," Frankenstein said.

"I can prove to you just how powerful I am, knave!"

"Now, now, dears, let's not turn this messy," Rumplestiltskin crooned. "Maleficent, give the boys their due and the artifact is yours and you can use it to enchant that wonderful spinning wheel."

Maleficent huffed indignantly. "You may be powerful, Dark One, but you've no power over me! Don't order me around!"

"I was merely making a suggestion…"

"No! You weren't! You were expecting me to just cave because you are the oh so menacing Dark One! I won't have it! This is my home and things go my way in my home!" She snatched at the sphere but Rumplestiltskin tossed it quickly to Jefferson and when she rounded on him, he tossed it to Frankenstein. "STOP IT!"

She pointed at Frankenstein and he was enshrouded with dark clouds and the sphere clattered to the floor, a fine crack appearing in it. Maleficent growled as she snatched it and in place of the doctor there was now a newt. Jefferson snorted in laughter and bent down to retrieve the doctor. "He's so cute now," he cooed.

"Temper, temper," Rumplestiltskin chastised as Maleficent caressed the sphere lovingly. "You'll have to turn him back, you know."

"Uh, no, I don't have to do anything," the witch replied, narrowing her eyes. "My home, remember?"

"You are simply awful, my dear, is that why your only companion is the stunted horse?" the Dark One inquired.

"What? No! I could have friends here if I wanted! Regina comes over sometimes!"

"Probably only when she needs something," Jefferson said, still examining Frankenstein who was running about his palm in a frenzy.

"Does the stunted horse at least talk?"

"Yes!"

Silence.

"No, but I talk to him and I know he understands me!"

"Could you just turn Frankenstein back into his true form so we could leave? I feel depressed the longer I stay here," Rumplestiltskin sighed.

"I'll turn him back after dinner, I'm too hungry to use magic," Maleficent grumbled.

"Ohhh I feel a proposal coming on," the Dark One groaned. "Let me guess, we join you for dinner and then you'll turn him back?"

"Yes."

"No, sorry Frankie," Jefferson nudged the newt with his thumb. "I can't suffer a dinner with this bitch."

The newt promptly bit his thumb. Maleficent burst into angry tears. "I don't need you! I don't want you here! Get out!"

"There's still the matter of our payment," Rumplestiltskin prompted. "Oh, and the doctor, he's too useful to be left as a newt."

Maleficent's shoulders slumped and she pointed at the newt which promptly turned into the doctor which caused him and the Hatter to crash to the floor. The witch let out a triumphant laugh as they untangled their limbs and stood up again. "There's your payment."

"We agreed on more than that, you can't just change me into a newt because you're angry and then say setting things right settles the score!" Frankenstein roared.

"I just did. Go away. Or I'll curse you all!"

"Y'know boys, this is entirely worthless, let's just go," Rumplestiltskin sighed. "But don't expect any sort of help from me in the future, dearie." He gestured to the others and they stepped towards him, cursing under their breath about Maleficent. The Dark One made sure he had a firm handle on them before he grinned widely at the witch. "By the way, I thought this might happen given your nature, have fun with that magic, you'll soon find it is merely cinnamon enchanted to sparkle."

They disappeared just as Maleficent screamed shrilly and heaved the ball at them. There was the sound of if shattering before they found themselves in the Dark One's castle.

"Did you really send us after a faulty item?" Frankenstein asked, annoyed.

"Oh no, that was the real thing, I just assumed she would throw it and now she's gone and wasted it. You two may help yourself to as much gold as you see fit though, for your troubles."

"You classify all that as 'troubles'?! She turned me into a newt!"

"You got better," Jefferson chimed in.

Frankenstein glared at him as Rumplestiltskin fell into a peal of laughter.