Title: Dig a Little Deeper
Rating: K
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine; I'm just taking them out to play.
Warnings: None
Pairings: Greg/Sara
Spoilers: Through Season 5
Summary: Part 4 in the "Commitment" Series. The team races to save one of their own, even as Sara and Greg's relationship continues to grow.
AN: CHAPTER ONE CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR SEASON FINALE. You've been warned. Subsequent chapters take place following the season finale.
AN2: Thanks Tripp for the beta work!
Sara scanned the fingerprint and trace analyses reports as she hurried through the hallways of the CSI crime lab. She wasn't looking forward to telling Grissom and Catherine what the reports had to say.
As she approached the AV Lab, she slowed her pace when she noticed that Greg was also viewing the live video feed of Nick entombed in a coffin. She was worried about the novice CSI; it was his first case involving someone he was close to.
"Hey," she called out softly from the doorway, not wishing to startle her stressed out co-workers.
It was Grissom who stirred first from his horrified, yet entranced, viewing to acknowledge her presence. Sara had seen Grissom tired, and stressed, before, but never to this extent. He appeared grey and ashen, shaken more deeply than she could ever imagine.
"What have you got for us, Sara?" Grissom asked.
"Nothing, I'm afraid," she said, handing the reports over to him. "Only a partial print lifted off the packaging used to send the ransom note, no match in AFIS, and trace yielded nothing probative."
"So, we're back to square one," Grissom said, heaving a weary sigh.
"Dammit, there has to be something," Catherine snatched the report from Grissom's grasp.
Greg had stood silently throughout the exchange, but now he turned abruptly, all but knocking Sara over in his haste to leave the room, a barely heard "excuse me" following in his wake.
"Greg. Greg!" Sara started after him until she heard Grissom call her back.
"Let him be, Sara. He doesn't need you hovering over him."
"What he doesn't need is to have his feelings treated with indifference, Grissom!" Sara snapped. "Believe me, I know how hurtful that can be." Without another word, Sara hurried in the direction Greg had taken off in.
"You deserved that you know, Gil," Catherine said, ignoring the raised eyebrow of reproach he aimed her way.
"Greg's a grown man, for all his silly antics, and as a CSI, he's got to learn to control his emotional responses to cases."
"'Control his emotional…'" Catherine cut off in mid rant. Drawing in a deep breath she closed her eyes and let it out slowly, trying to calm her own 'emotional response' to Grissom's callousness. Rising from her seat, she leaned forward, invading Grissom's personal space, and reached across him for the remote to the video feed.
"Maybe you can control an emotional response to this" she hissed, waving the remote to the video feed in his face, "but the rest of us have blood, not ice, in our veins, Gil." She dropped the remote into his lap, somehow resisting the urge to slam it down on the counter, possibly breaking it and losing their lone connection to Nick. She headed for the door which Greg and Sara had already wisely used.
"You know, Gil, I told you years ago you had to lift your head up out of that microscope once in a while. You still can't see what is right in front of you." She threw her arms up in the air and stalked back over to the AV console where a befuddled looking Grissom eyed her warily.
"You're right about one thing, though. Greg is a grown man, an attractive one. A grown man who is just as protective of Sara as she is of him. You're so oblivious to what is going on around you, you haven't even realized that Greg hasn't been silly in months. He's matured and become more somber, yet, he's still the only one who routinely makes Sara smile and laugh."
She'd been surprised last week when she'd heard Sara's laughter coming from the garage. It had been such a long time since she'd heard Sara sound so happy. When she'd peeked inside, she'd seen the two of them laughing over an exploded toilet, joking over which of them should clean it up. If she hadn't seen it with her own eyes, she wouldn't have believed it, but the evidence had been clear. Sara was happy, and Greg was the reason why. She snapped out of the memory when she noticed Grissom's eyes narrow in anger at her last remark.
"Got your attention now, huh? That's right Gil. Greg makes Sara happy. I've seen the evidence with my own eyes, even if you haven't. File that bit of information away with your emotions," she sneered, taking her own exit from the AV lab, leaving a clueless Grissom in her wake.
Unaware, and uncaring, of the scene playing out between the dueling shift supervisors during her search for Greg, Sara finally tracked him down behind the CSI garage, partially hidden behind a dumpster. He was sitting against the wall, his knees drawn up, head hanging low, buried in his arms. Sara thought he looked like the poster child for despair. Without a word, she sat down beside him, mimicking his pose, except for her head, leaning it back against the wall, observing him closely. Silence stretched between them for several long moments before she could stand it no longer.
"Hey, how you doing?"
"Just peachy," was the muffled response.
"Hate to see you when you're down, if you're peachy now," she knew the comment was lame under the best of circumstances, which today certainly wasn't.
Greg evidently agreed with that sentiment if his snort of disgust was any indication. "I appreciate the effort, Sara, but I'm really not in the mood to be cheered up."
"Greg, tell me what's wrong. Let me help, please."
"It's like with the fingers, I feel like a wuss…and ashamed."
"Ashamed? Why?" She let the comment about the fingers go, since she had no idea what he was referring to, and filed away the thought to ask him about it at a later date.
Greg wiped a sleeve across his eyes and finally lifted his head out of his arms. His eyes were red and bloodshot, and he didn't even attempt to conceal the sniffle as he drew in a shaky breath.
"Do you know what my first thought was? When we learned about Nick?"
Sara shook her head, waiting for him to look at her.
"Well, do you?"
Again, she shook her head, determined to make him look at her. He must have sensed her intent, because he finally turned to face her, the evidence of his tears clear.
"Tell me. It can't be that bad, Greg," her voice a gentle whisper.
This time, Sara wasn't sure if the snort of contempt was for her, her comment or for himself. "That's what you think. My first thought. My very first thought when I heard about Nick was 'I'm glad it's not me!'" His voice broke on the last word, as he swiped angrily at the fresh tears.
"Oh, Greg," she reached across to rub a comforting hand across his shoulders, but he flinched away from her and abruptly rose to his feet.
"He's my FRIEND, Sara! How can I wish that on him? What kind of friend am I? Tell me!" He was yelling now, his distress obvious.
"You didn't wish this on him, Greg…"
"He's buried alive…and my first thought is about myself. Jeez, how can I be so selfish!" The dumpster, being on the receiving end of several well paced kicks, took the brunt of Greg's anger.
Sara quickly rose to her own feet and, grabbing Greg by the arm, turning him to face her, deftly dodging a foot that had been meant for the hapless dumpster. "Listen to me, Greg. It's NOT your fault. You didn't do anything wrong." He tried to pull away from her, but she held on with a surprising strength. "Your reaction is normal, Greg. There's nothing to be ashamed of, simply because you experienced a sense of relief, however tinged with guilt, that you're not the one in danger. Avoiding danger is a survival instinct, that's all."
"I still feel like a wuss," he sniffed. "Sara, I don't think I'm cut out for this job. Maybe I should have stayed in the lab."
That alarmed her; she remembered how badly he'd wanted to be a CSI, how happy he was when he passed his proficiency exam on the Sherlock case. "You are no wuss, Greg Sanders, you hear me? And you are cut out for this job. You're doing a great job as a CSI." He started to shake his head in denial.
"Tell that to Nick. Every time I think about him buried ali.." his voice broke down in a sob on the last word.
"Greg, listen to me. This is why a good investigator takes himself or herself off cases they have a personal connection to. Grissom's right about keeping emotions out of our cases, at least to a degree. When they overwhelm you so badly you can't function, it's time to step back. But when it's a law enforcement officer, especially one we know and love, we don't have that luxury Greg. We can't all take ourselves off the case. You have to, I don't know, you have to dig a little deeper inside yourself for the strength to do your job. Nick's counting on us to do just that. We can break down after we find him, not before."
Greg lifted his brown eyes, swimming behind unshed tears, to hers, "What was your first thought?"
"Mine?" the question surprised her, it wasn't the reaction she was expecting nor was she ready to have the tables turned on her.
"Yeah. I bet your first thought was to rip the head off of whoever did this to Nick. That's how strong you are at your job." He thought he saw flicker of some undefined emotion pass briefly across her face. "Sara?"
It was Sara's turn to drop her eyes. It was still so hard for her to share her deepest thoughts and feelings with him, despite how much closer they had become over the recent weeks. She dropped her hand from his arm and took a step back, needing some distance between them. Was she ready to tell him?
"My first thought was of you."
Seeing the look of surprise on Greg's face, Sara realized she'd spoken out loud.
"Me? Your first thought was of me?" His tone said it all; bafflement, surprise, and disbelief.
"Yes, and if your first thought was of yourself, and you feel guilty about that, what does it say about me that my first thought was about how happy you make me, and how glad I am that you weren't the one in danger? How shallow does that make me, Greg?"
"You're happy that I make you happy," he repeated, wonder joining bafflement, surprise and disbelief.
"Yes, I am. And if I'm strong enough to do my job, now, for Nick, it's because of you."
Greg's mouth dropped open, his jaw moved up and down, but no sound came out. If the conversation wasn't so serious, Sara would have burst out laughing at the idea of rendering Greg speechless.
"Greg, what did you see when Judge and Mrs. Stokes arrived?"
Greg thought back to an hour or so earlier when Nick's parents had arrived at the lab. He remembered thinking the Judge didn't look as stern as a judge should, maybe due to the strain of worrying about Nick. And Nick's mom, well, she'd looked just the way every anxious mother he'd ever dealt with in this job looked. "They looked anxious, worried, scared."
"What I saw when Nick's parents arrived, were two people who cared deeply about each other. In the way Nick's dad held his wife's hand. How she leaned into him for support and comfort. I also saw two people who love their son very much." Sara paused, drawing in a soothing breath to steady her shaky nerves. "I thought, then, about how much you mean to me; how I couldn't bear it if anything ever happened to you." She brushed tears from her cheek, not even attempting to hide them.
"Greg, it's been a very long time since I've felt that way about anyone. Or had anyone feel that way about me. For the first time in a long time, I understood what it could mean to lose someone you care about deeply." She was openly crying now, and didn't resist when Greg drew her into his arms. "It made me want to do whatever it takes, to find Nick, to spare his parents that."
Greg simply held her, gently rubbing her back, rocking back and forth, allowing her time to regain her composure. He had never felt more humbled, really believing for the first time that this still new and uncertain relationship growing between them had a chance of success. He was so lost in his own thoughts he didn't even notice when Sara's tears subsided to sniffles, or when the sniffles dried up as well. Only when he felt her stir in his arms did he loosen his hold, stepping back so he could meet her eyes.
Each looked to the other, not sure how to cope with these released emotions and confessions. Finally, Greg leaned in, placed a soft kiss on her forehead and, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, led her back towards the lab. "Come on," he said softly, "we need to find Nick."
TBC…(after the season finale).