That damn bastard. Why the hell did he have to go and do that?
I still can't figure out what the hell made him care back then, when I was the bad guy in his story. When I was bent on taking his home, his father, his planet. Everything that had ever meant anything to him would have been dead if I'd had it my way. That bastard, he still wouldn't let his forces go after me. I don't think I'll ever manage to get rid of the image of him, bruised and beaten, drunk on the fast penta that didn't work on him, being dragged out of the room, screaming that my name was Mark. Merk Pierre Vorkosigan. That I had a name. That I deserved a name. That I was a person… Bastard.
And dammit, I left. I hurt him. Badly. Why the hell did he have to care so much? I couldn't stand myself, so I blatantly assumed no one else could either. I hoped so much he would just forget me. Just move on. I wasn't worth his time. But damn him, how many times did I hear from him, begging me to come home?
He told me that if I needed something… a reason to exist, made it a good one. And dammit, of course I had to decide that using his forces for my flawed plan was a good idea. I almost had dozens of his men killed in a stupid attack that was uncoordinated and unplanned. His precious hermaphrodite captain that had supported him since the first day he started the Dendarii. He could have left me there. Gotten his men and left without a hitch. But he had to try and save me. A stupid stunt that got him killed. Why am I worth so much to him?
It's my fault he's lost so much… I cost him his life once, his military career, his second persona, his fleet…! And of course, there were the seizures… Ryoval would have let me die, eventually. He still came after me in there, even if I had already gotten out my way, he still went in what was probably more like hell than hell was.
I can't understand it. I don't think I ever will. He shouldn't care so much. I've never done anything to deserve anything from him, care being the very last on the list. Despite all that I don't deserve… It's nice to know that I'll always be able to count on my origi- I mean… my brother.