"I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

She's the one who read a book and decided her name should be Alice because the Alice's of the world have adventures while the Caroline's have school in the morning. She's the one who started wearing blue every day because she loved it even though she loved yellow much, much, much more.

She's the one who loves everything, it's her thing (like Bonnie and being 'the bigger person' and Elena and her saving people complex).

She loves, loves, loves and knows it's absolutely killing her when she 'settles' (i.e. grasps at because Elena got the other brother and this one is a very pretty consolation prize) for Damon and ends up falling for him completely, even as he bites, bites, bites and rips, rips, rips and her falling completely just turns to falling, falling, falling and Alice In Wonderland always was her favorite thing but the vampire isn't The Hatter and it's just no fun when he goes mad.

But if she's being completely honest, which she always is with herself because she's the only one who is, it started before Damon.

Way, way, way before.

Back in the days of sleepovers not having to be booked in advance in houses warded by witches, back when her dad was her daddy and not some man named Steven's daddy (and ew, that's a bit too much information isn't it?)

Caroline Forbes has always loved too much. Too, too, too much. She's an absolute sucker for lost causes and people who aren't, she's a sucker for being the best friend or the confidant or the walking blood-bag or the whatever it is you want of her. She just needs to feel needed and is that so wrong?

It's when her daddy does leave and becomes her 'dad' that she starts to hate almost as much as she loves.

She hates when Matt and Elena get together and hates when they break up and she hates Bonnie's mum for leaving more than she hates her dad for doing the same. She hates how Elena is sad and mopey and so very woe-is-me when she shouldn't be because her parents might have died, but she looks amazing when she's depressed and that's like, the luckiest thing in the world, isn't it? She hates her yellow room and her yellow dresses and she's got too many yellow things but she loves yellow and she hates it because Alice wore blue, didn't she? At least she thinks she did.

She hates and she loves and so that becomes her thing and she wishes she could just like and dislike like everybody else because it's got to be easier that way, right? It's simply got to be.

So she tries so hard, so, so, so hard because there's more choice in like. She can like the things she likes and that should be enough. The End. No more chapters, no sequel. Liking things would be so simple.

Except everything has something to love in it.

Yellow is sunshine and blue is the sky and Elena is perfect and Damon is beautiful and she just can't help but love it all even when she's snarky and mean and snippy and spouting off innuendo's that aren't very hard to figure out.

When she meets him he's all blue eyes and blonde hair and dimples and she loves how he looks because he's breathtaking but hates how he looks because he's the bad guy, the evil guy, the stay-away-if-you-value-your-life guy and those types of guys shouldn't have dimples that make him look like a little boy in a toyshop who just found the perfect train set and the perfect fire truck both sitting right next to one another.

He saves her life and she hates it because when he tells her, "I've thought about it myself, once or twice over the centuries." She sees maybe he's a little sad and a little lonely and she wonders how long he's been a little sad and a little lonely.

Probably a lot longer than she has because she's eighteen now (exactly, to the day), and she's been a little sad and a little lonely for a very, very, very long time but he's like a billion and that just makes her want to cry.

And the idea of the perfect blonde boy with the perfect blue eyes (like her, so, so, so like her) being anything but snarky (like her) and mean (like her) and evil and secretly or not-so-secretly happy over others' misfortune makes her sick to her stomach.

Thank god vampires can't vomit, she thinks, because it would just be a tragedy to vomit in front of him like she did in front of Matt that one time.

He gives her a bracelet she hesitates to put on and hesitates to take off and she really, really, really loves it even though she shouldn't (but its diamonds, hello) and she ends up keeping it on and telling people her daddy gave it to her and maybe it's the use of her dad's old name or maybe it's because her face is as close to blank as Caroline Forbes' face could ever, ever, ever be, but nobody questions it and she likes that.

A lot.

Maybe even loves.

And she's confused because she's never been confused over that type of thing before.

It's love or hate and never like or dislike and she's feeling new things and it's scary.

(Because she loved Matt and Damon and Elena and Bonnie and Stefan and her mum and yellow, yellow, yellow, but she's never simply liked something and suddenly the idea of liking something seems a lot harder now)

Only, it doesn't stop there and she actually feels more like Alice in Wonderland than ever before but she thinks clearly Klaus is The Hatter like Damon never could be because he's crazy like Damon never could be and sometimes it really is the fun kind and not the totally-scared-out-of-your-mind kind;

When he plays The Beatles on his iPod and they dance, dance, dance and when he invites her to tea but they drink blood out of the china cups and his pinky finger is up and so is hers and its hilarious and she love, love, loves him for it all because she's just a baby vampire but she can tell this is new for him too and she feels needed and wanted and she's never felt both of those together before either.

And the times when it is scary, when his crazy makes her want to cry, she loves him through it because she doesn't know what else to do. She dislikes him while she likes him and all the while she love, love, loves him.

Nevertheless he is very, very, very lovely and it's her new favorite word because she loves it but doesn't hate it and she likes that she has this one thing that's only one thing at a time (and she'll probably hate it eventually but now she doesn't and isn't that just so lovely, lovely, lovely?)

He buys her more diamonds and pairs them with stories about princesses and cancan dancers and a princess who once ran away to be a cancan dancer and "Did you know Anastasia didn't die with the rest of her family in Russia? I'm not lying, love. She's alive and kicking. Well, as alive and kicking as any vampire is. I'll introduce you one day." and they sit together on her bed all night nearly every night and they just talk, talk, talk or sometimes only she talks while he draws her and she only ever loves that too because he never interrupts and only smiles and his dimples show and she doesn't really hate them anymore, especially when they're aimed at her.

Sometimes she hates him, though that's only when they're not alone. And because of that, she hates Elena and Bonnie and Damon too. Why couldn't they just keep their mouths shut for once?

She finds herself re-reading her favorite book over and over and over and every time she tries to think of five impossible things, the list always starts with the same thing:

(Again, again, again it's the same thing.)

Caroline Forbes loves Klaus Mikaelson, even when she hates him.

And this is the first time in a long time she doesn't care. Because she finds she likes him too.

And really that sort of thing makes all the difference.