Disclaimer: I don't own pokeyman. So don't sue me you crack heads.
Authors Notes: GOD this story is SOOO depressing. And it's the closest thing to a song fic I'll EVER write. The song in purple (if it shows up in purple, if not it's the part with the uncapitalized i's) is by Dido, on the CD No Angel. The CD kicks ass. Buy it. Don't read this if you don't like strange, depressing, stream of thought, first person fics. ^_^ I think it's the most depressing thing I've ever written.
I Could Feel You Breathe
Sweat beaded my chest as I stood from bed to look out the window. The sky of a summer's night seemed strange to me, especially since my eyes still felt around my sleepy lids for the sleep which they lacked. Their dryness tried to force my lids together, but I insisted on staying awake and watching a warm breeze flow through the leaves of the trees which were shaded by moonlight.
Decisions weren't always easy to make, and I'd been wrenched from all I'd ever known by my most recent one. My skin tightened around my arms as I hung my head, looking at the floor, my hands supporting the rest of my body on the windowsill.
I was still sweating, but I'd never felt colder. Nothing was the same anymore. I barely even know where I am half the time. I feel like I'm floating through ethereal planes from day to day, and that night had overspread my heart. There was nothing left for me. I couldn't just leave it alone, so now I'm exiled from everything I'd ever known.
Oh, why couldn't I have left it alone. . .
Stormy nights were never a good sign, but I thought that being superstitious wouldn't get me anywhere. It had gotten so bad, I thought I could feel her next to me when she was nowhere around--I worried that I was going to far, that it would stop being infatuation and stop being love and just turn into insanity. But I couldn't sleep.
Lightning struck, and the skies rolled over each other to get away from whatever angry God put them in this godforsaken place. If I wasn't so determined, I might have taken their advice.
The moonlight painted a silver streak on her face, and she seemed mesmerized by the lightning as it tumbled from the sky--but I was twice as mesmerized by each breath she took as she sat there, her chin resting on her palms, her elbows resting on the windowsill.
Geez--what had caused it all? There's hell to pay now, but then all I could think about was the emotions I had put on her that she never had.
So she pulled me away when I flirted with other girls. So she teased me for it. So she let me make out with her, she let me write her name across my mind in every crevice contained therein, so she let me think that I was her world just as much as she was mine--
I walked up to her and put a hand on my chin.
I grinned, this weather we're having. It's crazy.
She nodded.
I kneeled next to her. This was the first time we'd ever been together without Ash. They didn't let friends or family stay with the trainers competing in the pokemon league, so we had to stay in the hotel where all the spectators stayed. Maybe it was a good opportunity, despite the ominous waves of rain and thunder.
I swallowed hard as she turned to look at me. I didn't look at her, but I knew she was looking at me. My breathing slowed so much--she must have noticed how different I became around her.
I would have been her perfect love. Someone to cook and clean for the sweet little tomboy, someone who wouldn't mind being a shadow to what was destined for greatness. If I just could have woken up beside her just once, if I just could have had a relationship with her. I wouldn't have hurt her. I wouldn't have made her do anything she didn't want to. I would give her her space, give her her cuddles, given her whatever she wanted--
The lights were out, but our faces were lit by the nearly constant streaks of lightning which careened through the sky. My own skin wanted to crawl off of my body, and my breath met a hot flash of blood when Misty put a hand on my cheek, looking at me sideways.
It's weird, isn't it, she stated. It wasn't really a question. Being alone, like this.
I whispered, unwilling to relinquish much air since I was suddenly unable to breathe.
But it's kind of nice, too, she smiled, running her fingers down from my chin and onto my neck.
I blinked, swallowing hard, my muscles tensing to the point where my shoulders met my chin, and a chill leaked down my spinal cord across my skin which had tightened considerably. I didn't want to say more in my actions than in my words, but I couldn't help it at that moment.
Pins and needles ran across my skin as she kneeled in front of me, her hands on my forearms. Pins and needles raced across my arms and they began to shake, and my neck nearly disappeared I balled up so badly.
Something about this weather, she smiled, her eyes sparkling in front of mine. I released all the air I contained suddenly, and she came even closer.
You're not acting like yourself, Misty, I choked. I liked it, but it was just too weird.
I know, she looked down.
Why didn't you tell me what happened? Why did you lead me on? It might have helped you, but I--
But who says I have to act like myself all the time?
I didn't have an answer to that, but my mind practically flew out of my ear when she put her arms around my neck and pressed her lips to mine. I really didn't know where I was, but I liked it. I wanted to stay there.
Misty moaned, shoving her tongue into my mouth.
I tried to pull away, recognizing the alcohol on her breath. I couldn't pull away very well, and she started to put her hands down my pants.
I pulled myself away from the place I previously didn't want to leave, and I grabbed her hands, pulling them to my chest. I pulled her face away from mine and stared at it deeply, and tears began to streak down it in a rhythm faster than the beating rain outside.
my heart pounded, and I kept holding her hands. You're drunk! What have you been drinking?
But Misty wouldn't answer. She just kept sobbing.
I sighed deeply, then pulled her close to me, letting her head rest on my chest. I could feel her breathe, I could feel the drunken pain that seeped into my skin with every jagged breath she took, as if ocean waves connected her emotions to mine. I began to stroke her hair.
What happened? I asked, blinking innocently.
I'm all right, she sniffed. I just felt bad for doing that--and now I know you don't love me back.
My heart somersaulted within my chest, and I grasped her to me tightly. Numbness consumed me, and I ran my lips across her forehead. I didn't feel bad for breaking away, but I tried not to believe her, she had been drinking.
It's not that, I sighed. I love you--God, this is just wrong. I wanted to tell you that at the right moment. Maybe you won't remember this, but I love you. I love you--more than anything. So don't think that. But you've been drinking. It's time to go to bed.
Misty tried to fight, and she tried to place her hands in unwanted places once again, so I picked her up and carried her to the neighboring room.
She tried to fight it when I pulled the blankets over her, but I just kissed her forehead and her hands and left the room. It was very dark so I had to walk slowly, but at least I knew that she was safe.
Oh I wondered what could have happened to my beloved, what could have happened to my sweet waterflower to make her go get drunk then come on to me--Satan must have made me born with feelings--
I tried to sleep myself, but found it to be a pretty hard chore after my whole world had just been shoved down my throat and replaced with a new one. I was so worried that she and Ash had gotten together. She'd looked at him with almost pleading eyes for a couple of days, but maybe she was just going to miss him as a friend, and maybe after he left she felt more comfortable to express her feelings to me.
But why get drunk?
The night slipped away along with that perverse storm, and my eyes greeted the morning as soon as it was available to greet.
I got up and started to cook. I always cleared my mind first thing in the morning by cooking. And my mind needed clearing, that was for certain.
I was stirring--something. I don't remember what. I dropped it all over, that I remember. Misty reached around my waist and hugged me in the morning, and the flush of blood and emotion to my swimming head caused me to knock over what I was cooking, it caused me to get whatever it was all over the floor.
I'll get that, I said scratchily.
Did she still love me, even when not drunk?
I grabbed some rags from a cupboard or somewhere, somewhere--somewhere, hastily, and I began to blindly wipe the floor without even turning around to look at Misty.
Strange, strange night--would it give way to a day just as strange.
How's the weather? I squeaked.
she replied, and grabbed my hand from where I was cleaning.
I looked around, doing double takes for no reason. Misty grabbed my face in her hands, and my shaking and my sweat caused me to slip backwards. Luckily I didn't fall, but it caused Misty to pull me into the living room, onto the couch.
I know what you're going to say, I blurted hastily, you were drunk and didn't mean to kiss me and I understand that and it's all right--
Misty shook her head and put her lips to mine, this time tasting sweet rather than liquor-tainted. So much could be said about Crest and Listerine--
she shook her head, allowing my body to quickly become Jell-o in her hands. That was sweet--that you didn't take advantage of me. I've been so stressed I went out and got drunk. I know--it's stupid. But thank you.
I closed my eyes tightly. Did she remember what I'd told her?
She breathed in deeply, pressing her lips to mine again, then pulled away with a grin that was broad, but almost seemed forced.
But I do love you, she blurted, her voice trailing on a sigh.
I began to shake, grabbing her forearms gently and drawing her face to mine.
she closed her eyes and mumbled softly.
I felt like jumping up and down as if I'd won a game show, but it wouldn't have been appropriate. Instead, my breathing became erratic and I pulled her so closely to me that I could feel her heartbeat against my own chest. She put her arms around my neck and cradled me as well, then ran her lips across mine and pulled me down on top of her on the couch. I returned to not knowing where I was, but that time I decided to stay. I let her run her hands over my back and gently tug on the skin of my neck with her lips, and we were making out for an obscene amount of time before we parted, and I lay on her softly in my exhaustion. I cuddled her gently, all too happy to be with her.
This is the most delicious feeling in the world, I whispered into her ear.
She just nodded.
She was acting awfully distant at a time when she should have been like me--loving and ecstatic.
What's wrong? I asked lovingly, cupping her chin in my hands. You can tell me, love, you can tell me anything.
Nothing's wrong, she shrugged, her eyes staring into mine, yet truly looking away.
I frowned and looked away, putting my head in her neck.
And those were the first tears she ever caused me.
My room is so dark--but that's the way I like it. Why do I even try to sleep at night? It's the only time I can be awake without having to deal with anyone. If I slept in the day and woke up at night, I'd never have to think about anything, I could just watch the trees shake in the wind and be happy about it. I could just lay under my cool sheets and dream about what I wished would have been. Reality is no fun--
We lay there for way too much time. Finally I forced us to get up and get dressed to go to the first day of league competition. Misty wasn't talking to me--wasn't animated about our new found relationship. It definitely disturbed me. I could almost sense the truth--that it was somehow a lie, but I suppressed it. Being madly in love makes a person act against his better judgment, and I wanted to be able to hold her forever, even if it was fake or if it was a lie or for whatever the hell reason she just wasn't letting me hold her and tell her all of the little thoughts I'd been saving up for her ever since my infatuation took root in my soul.
I didn't want to confront her about it, either. I let it string along.
I held her hand firmly all the way to the stadium, though her grip was loose. I wondered if she could feel the love I tried to channel through that grasp, but I wasn't much of a telepath.
We were in the front row as Ash had planned. His mom and professor Oak were next to us, and were very surprised to see my arm around Misty. Well, either surprised about that or surprised about the vacant look she attacked the center of the stadium with as I tried to press my affection upon her, desiring something in return.
Her expression lit a little after a plethora of battles came and go, and it was finally Ash's turn. I turned and squinted back some pain as she looked at him sadly, and he blushed and turned to the ground in shame after catching a glimpse of us.
If you love each other, why turn to me? I asked her with my eyes, but she ignored my question. I opened my mouth and muttered several times, wishing to be able to make my inquiry aloud, but I really didn't want to hear the answer.
Ash turned away and concentrated fully on his battle. To no one's surprise, he won, and he turned to look at Misty and I.
Misty stared down at him, as if she desired some kind of response, but he merely shrugged and turned back around to face his next battle. A determined look crossed Misty's face, and she suddenly forced herself closer to me. Ash looked up again a moment before battling, and his face turned oddly red as Misty began to kiss my cheek and neck.
I loved that, but I felt strange. I had a strange notion that I was being used, but shrugged it off as paranoia. I loved Misty--and Misty loved me.
Love. Oh, an emotion that I drank with every desire of every fiber of my being, a soothing balm that I never quite had enough money for--I know that I'll probably never find it. I've faced rejection with every face it has, and I don't expect it to stop staring at me--ever. I guess it's my curse.My dad ruined my life so badly that the heavens are taking out their aggression on me. I guess I deserve it. Some punishment should be in order for such hell--
I sat in some half-pleasure, half-agony until all of the battles were over. Ash did end up undefeated, which would allow him to see the elite four the following day.
I felt bad. I almost wanted him to lose, just so this craziness could be over and we could go back to the platonic threesome we were.
I loved Misty, but I didn't like what was happening.
I loved the little bit of affection she threw my way.
But it didn't satiate my emotional need .
Ash went to dinner with us after his wins. He wasn't as ecstatic as he should have been.
Dinner would have been in complete silence if I didn't keep trying to have a conversation with the both of them. I didn't understand what was going on, and I was prorated into halves both with my desire not to hear the truth, and the desire to find out what the hell was going on.
So are you gonna win tomorrow Ash? I asked cheerily.
Ash tried to reply cheerily, but it felt rather forced.
Misty tried to climb all over me at this point. It was the affection I had wanted, but at that point it was just making me very uncomfortable.
I frowned, pulling her hands away. Look, I love you so much Misty, but I don't know what you're doing to me. Don't play with me. What's going on with you two?
Ash insisted, shrugging and playing with his food.
Pikachu grumbled, looking up at Brock sympathetically. Apparently it was just as frustrated with the situation.
Brock reached his hands across the table.
Nothing's wrong, Misty smiled, such a fake, water dripping smile. I love you, Brock, I'm not playing with you. Ash is just tired, so we're not very talkative.
Ash agreed, nodding profusely.
Anger welled within me. I shouted, slamming my fist on the table. Other people in the restaurant looked at me strangely, and my face flushed red. However, I'd gone too far to turn back.
Just tell me, I pursed my lips. No more fucking around. Just lay it on me.
Misty screamed so loudly that the word was nothing but a sound which escaped her throat. She stood up angrily and dashed outside.
I suddenly threw my head onto my arms, letting tears flow over them. What is wrong? I don't understand.
Ash placed a hand on my folded arms. I looked up at him, and he was frowning at me sympathetically.
She tells me she loves me, I sniffed, but I feel more like a third wheel to you two than I ever have. Just tell me what's going on!
Ash looked away, his hand still on my arms.
I looked up at him, awaiting the answer with baited breath. I just needed to know how I could fix things--maybe get some real love out of my sweet Misty.
I can't tell you, Ash sighed.
I stood up and began to walk outside without response, slamming my chair into the table. The waitress seemed flustered as I stormed out the door.
The sidewalk was soaking water, and I looked up to see a graying sky with yellow streaks where the sun was cracking the sheath. Cars rumbled by on the busy street. The pokemon league stadium had become such a busy place as of late--oh, how would I find her in this mess?
My eyes then turned to scan the street, and Ash ran up to me, standing beside me. I looked back at him, then went back to scanning my surroundings.
I shouted hoarsely, cupping my hands in front of my mouth.
I felt strange shouting that, but it was a worry-induced scream. Ash seemed to wince as I said that.
What happened between you two? I turned to Ash angrily. Tell me so I can leave her alone if she doesn't want me back!
Ash's mouth opened slightly as if he was going to speak, but he just shook his head.
It's not my place to tell you what happened, Ash closed his eyes. After all, I'm not the one who told you that I loved you.
I growled, but I thought you loved me as a friend!
With that my blood boiled with every drop of rain which pelted my skin.
I shouted. It's okay if you don't love me! I'll understand!
I wasn't sure that I would understand, but a heartbroken Brock was preferable to a despairing Misty.
I looked up to the sky, running my hands through my hair in exasperation. My lips curved into a frown. I looked for a shade of orange anywhere--anywhere a shade of orange--
Look out! someone shouted.
Of course, my eyes fled to the area where the shout came from.
A shade of orange.
A shade of silver.
A shade of red--
God no! I shouted, then began to run as fast as my legs could possibly carry me to the shade of orange, silver and red.
Oh God! I shouted, every surrounding blurring into nothingness.
I suddenly flopped to the ground, my eyes greedily and despairingly moving over the fallen body of my dearest, sweetest love.
It was an accident! a teenage girl began to cry, stepping out of the silver Camaro. I--I was just driving and she ran out into the street and stood there with her arms spread out like she wanted me to hit her! I tried to avoid her!
I saw it! a witness stepped forth.
I suddenly couldn't hear any of it.
Blood ran over my hands as I held her body in my arms, her head lolling and her arms flopping downward as I ran my hands shakily over her face.
I shouted. We'll get you to the hospital! You'll be all right, my love!
I kept screaming and screaming incoherent reassurances, even though I saw Misty's eyes lolling back into her head, and I saw her breath suddenly cease.
I thought--I screamed. Should I do CPR? Should I have done CPR?
You're too freaked out young man, someone pulled me away from her.
I tried to fight him, but I was too weak.
I just blacked out on the sidewalk.
I almost feel like throwing up now while thinking about it. I killed her. I know I killed her. I shouldn't have pressed the matter--I should have let Misty play her little game with me. Now I know better, but it's way too late. There's no point in learning a lesson after your loved one is dead--
I want her back! I shouted.
Ash's eyes narrowed consolingly, and he put a hand to my forehead.
I can't breathe, I gasped, letting tears run down my cheeks. I can't breathe, I can't--
Ash whispered and closed his eyes. I'm sorry. I know I did this to you.
I coughed and choked upon a particularly heavy sob.
Ash sighed and lowered his eyes until he was just looking at my hands.
I guess I can tell you now, he nodded. Misty came home drunk to you after she'd been out with me. She was trying to take advantage of just having turned twenty one, so we knocked back a few beers, and we couldn't handle it because we're not used to it, and, well, we ended up doing things we shouldn't have. We confessed' to loving each other, but I only did it because I was drunk. She meant it.
My eyes boggled, and I could no longer blink. Was Misty looking for an escape from loneliness in me, or was she looking to make Ash jealous.
We rounded home, Brock, Ash looked away.
I just nodded slowly. So she never did love me.
She might have, Ash tried to cover. Maybe she had feelings for both of us.
I doubt it, I sighed, then groaned painfully. Why did they take me here? I just passed out.
You passed out, Ash shrugged. But you can leave as soon as the doctor comes back.
Ash and I looked at each other intently.
Could we travel together without Misty?
He would remind me too much of her. Every time I saw his face I would be reminded of the love that I destroyed.
I know what you're thinking, Ash closed his eyes, letting some tears escape. I think we should both go home for a while. I don't feel like traveling anymore.
I agree, I choked.
So now I have neither of the two people I'd grown to love so much. I have my family, but I haven't even been paying attention to them. I feel a void, an incredible emptiness that I just can't describe. It's indescribable, to say the least. There's no way I could ever explain to you how it feels to feel responsible for the death of the woman you loved more than life itself.
I still walked around my room, pacing back and forth by the window, wishing that it was cloudy. The crisp Summer sky just didn't fit the pain I was going through.
i just want to feel deep in my own world
but i'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
on a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then i wouldn't feel so lost and so frightened
but this is today and i'm lost in my own skin
and i'm so lonely i don't even want to be with myself anymore
i just want to feel safe in my own skin, i just want to be happy again
I paced and tried to lay down, then tried to lay down and paced again until morning. I didn't sleep at all. It was my fifth or sixth night without sleep. I was begining to think that I could see people's auras the few times that I came in contact with people over the past week. How many times had I even seen a person? And when I did see them, they treated me strangely, and commented on my bloodshot eyes and the dark circles which resided beneath them. My dad didn't understand my pain. My siblings were too young.
Pain.
Pain.
Pain.
All I could feel for such a long time.
I'd cried so much that I think if I ever went to sleep again I'd drown in nightmare induced tears.
But I walked into the kitchen. I hadn't really been eating, either. I'd had some scraps that were forced down my throat, but I'd still lost a ton of weight.
Sunlight grazed my skin as I sat at the kitchen table. I could almost hear the dust simmer through the room as I shuddered and stared into the dizzy space before me.
I lacked the season of all natures, and it was hitting my hard. I could have sworn that my brain hurt.
But I just needed someone.
God, was I lonely. My siblings just weren't the same. They'd just comment on my bloodshot eyes--
Maybe I should just die, I cleared my throat. Then I could be with Misty.
I sat for God knows how long after considering this. I was NO judge of time after having lacked so much sleep. So much sleep--
In fact, the person at the door must have knocked around ninety times before I snapped out of my daze and waddled to the door.
Did I care if a killer was behind it? Not especially. I did care for my siblings, but I'd wrestle a gun away.
Or such are the thoughts of someone who hasn't slept for so long--
I opened the door, and I stared at the person behind it, but I didn't recognize him because I was really staring through him, I was to brain dead for anything.
he whispered. God you're a mess.
I snapped into a quasi-conciousness and realized that the person was Ash.
He looked just like me--red and black eyes, fatigued in stature and in all ways.
You're a mess too, I whispered, unable to talk in a voice any louder.
I say we get some sleep, Ash smiled weakly, his eyes trying to force themselves closed as he nearly collapsed at the door.
I was silent, but after he really did collapse, I picked him up and took him to the couch. I was near collapse as well, so picking a nineteen year old man up probably wasn't such a good idea.
he whispered as I sat back on the couch. I was too tired to release him from my arms, so I just sat there. It was probably a strange sight, but it was strangely comforting.
I closed my eyes, and it felt so strange.
I replied to him. I killed her.
Ash put his head on my chest. I killed her.
I yawned. I did.
I need someone, Ash sniffed. I can't take this by myself.
Me neither, I agreed. No one understands.
I understand, Ash closed his eyes. And I made a big mistake. But if you weren't here to come running to, I think I would have killed myself.
I nodded, but it was the last thing I remembered as I drifted away into a tear-stained nightmare, a nightmare where I thought I could feel Misty breathe--