Sasha stood at the prow of the Nathan James, staring into the rough seas of the North Atlantic Ocean. Dark clouds above threatened the worst, while the wind whipped at her hair and chilled her skin. Sasha gripped the railing for balance as the ship dipped and crashed into waves, lost in her thoughts, she barely noticed the cold.
Since Tom returned, she knew he had wanted to speak to her alone, but for reasons she couldn't fathom, he'd yet to approach her. She had kept her distance as she hadn't wanted to compromise the mission by bringing their relationship into it, but now the mission was over, Tom still hadn't said anything.
"Damn, will you look at those Icebergs, it's a wonder Slattery hasn't cranked up the 5 inch for 'em!" Tom's voice broke into her musings, causing her to smile at the silliness of the remark given the icebergs were just baby sized; certainly not a true threat for the Nathan James.
"Isn't that what we have you for…Hercules" Sasha drawled in light mocking but playful manner, she chuckled as she turned to face him, not missing the way her whole being sang at the sight of him.
She watched as he ducked his head, before smiling up at her boyishly – and her heart skipped a beat as he did so.
Damn him, why does he have to be so handsome, charming, smart…. everything I ever want? Even after all the pain you caused me, I still want you… Sasha thought to herself, all these years and how she felt for him never lessened; it only grew and deepened.
"I walked into that one, didn't I?" Tom laughed, glad to have broken the ice. At least Sasha was smiling, he knew from experience what a wicked right hook she had.
"Yeah you did, Tom," she replied, holding his gaze. "But to me, you're more of an Odysseus, the wanderer."
"So, what, that makes you my Penelope?" Tom quipped back, enjoying the flash in her sapphire blue eyes as she scoffed at him at his assumption.
"Try Pallas Athena, Sailor, you're lucky it was Mike in that ring." Sasha fired back at him, raising her chin to look him straight in the eyes.
"Probably about right, as you're always pulling my ass out of the fire-" Tom shot back but before he could finish what he was about to say, she cut him off.
"Damn right." She said cockily, before her expression grew serious. "But…. why Tom? Why did you just drop off the face of the earth like that? Not a damn word for 16 months! WHY?" Sasha burst out, her emotions getting the better of her. The sight, not to mention the sound, of pain and anguish in her voice, mirrored in her beautiful face caused Tom's heart to shatter.
For a moment he looked away, gathering his thoughts – he owed her the truth, she'd welcomed him back into the fold with the crew and held onto her anguish, waiting until now. He also knew if he had any hope of winning her back, Tom knew he had to come clean.
"I had to leave Sasha; it had nothing to do with us or you! It was me, I'd lost so many people, lost because of decisions I made, I just couldn't handle it anymore" he paused for breath as the words rushed out, he felt it was a jumbled mess but there was no other way of putting it. "The only thing I could think to do was leave, before I was swallowed up by my pain and grief" he told her, he looked out to the ocean too afraid to see her reaction. He wasn't even finished in his confession.
Sasha reached out and took his hand in hers, squeezing it gently, offering silent support as he continued.
"I left because I knew if I stayed, I'd drag everyone…you… down with me, the man I was becoming back then…. I didn't want to be him" Tom finished, feeling the dark thoughts that had plagued him so badly he'd run from everything and everyone he'd held so dear- creep back into the forefront of his mind.
He felt that same anxious feeling settle into his bones. The one that told him to run as far and as fast as he could. But he'd learnt that he could not outrun his demons, he had to face them and the truth. He needed to voice it out loud and ease the burden he had been carrying for over a year.
"Tom, why didn't you tell me?" Sasha asked, her heart aching at the thought the pain he had to have been in. Tom looked to her, wondering whether or not to tell her the last part, the one that had sent him running halfway across the world to escape.
"Come on Sash, you saw it, you knew if I didn't walk away when I did, then I'd have eventually eaten my sidearm." Tom told her, Sasha would want the whole truth, warts and all. The surreal part was that she didn't argue, he'd expected her to at least pretend it hadn't crossed her mind, to make some argument that it wasn't in him, to look shocked by his confession.
But she didn't, she silently acknowledged and agreed with him. Sasha's silent agreement shocked Tom, as he expected her to tell him he was stronger than that. That it wasn't in his DNA to give up. But neither of them was foolish enough to think that either of them would be completely immune or never hit a level of desperation that would lead them to considering suicide - everyone had their limit.
Sasha looked down at their hands in deep thought, interlacing their fingers, as she brushed her thumb back and forth over his knuckle.
"I want to say it would never have come to that." Sasha told him, it was easy to say in hindsight. But part of her had questioned if the scenario had played out as they'd just described, could she have talked him out of it?
"But I can't, I think it's why I didn't push you to stay." She confessed quietly.
"You were pretty forceful in trying to get me to stay." Tom said, a small smile played on his lips as he recalled her ordering him to put on his uniform. Sasha seemed to recall the same memory.
"I needed you then, just as I need you now." Sasha added as she unwittingly leaning closer to him, their lips just inches apart.
"Something that never changed for me either," Tom said, he was about to kiss her when a flash of lightening blinded them.
The rumble of thunder sounded. They both remembered where they were standing and leaned back; pretending for a moment that they hadn't just been about to kiss in plain view of the bridge crew and sailors on watch.
"We should go inside before it starts raining." Tom told her, his eyes locking with hers as there was no mistaking where this was leading. The desire he saw in Sasha's eyes was incredible and Tom knew that he was looking right back at her in exactly the same way.
"My quarters or yours?" Sasha replied softly, stroking the back of his hand the way she used to do all those years ago, and it still turned him on if the glow of desire in his eyes was anything to go by.
"Yours...they're closer," Tom whispered in her ear, dropping a quick kiss on her neck, knowing it was one of her sensitive spots.
Suddenly, the heavens opened as the storm that had been threatening for days began in earnest, sending them scurrying for the safety of the deckhouse. Both slowed their pace as they walked down the p-ways, not wanting to give themselves away in their haste. Fortunately for them, the crew were far too busy securing the ship against the storm that was beginning to rage to notice either of them, especially given they were passengers at this point in the journey. Mike and Meylan held down the ship and its crew that they didn't require Tom in his advisory role for such a storm. If they did, they would call, Tom hoped they didn't.
No sooner had the door closed behind them when Tom tumbled Sasha onto her bed and fastened his mouth to hers, savouring the taste of her mouth, and the feel of her body pressed against his. Sasha was by no means passive, her tongue meeting Tom's in a sensual dance as she made love to him with her mouth, moaning loudly. Suddenly a voice pierced their sensual haze, causing them to spring apart, trying to look cool and casual as if they just hadn't been caught kissing.
"Don't let me interrupt you, I just came for a sweater," Azima said, quirking an eyebrow in an amused yet suggestive manner, "you both look a little...damp... perhaps you should remove your clothes and share body heat, it's a much better way to get warm, if you know what I mean." She drawled suggestively, her innuendo was not lost on them.
Grabbing a thick sweater from the end of the bed, not caring whose it was, Sasha threw it at her friend, causing the Kenyan woman to laugh aloud.
"Yes, thank you Azima, you can go now!" Sasha snapped, pushing Azima out of the cabin with a muttered comment about keeping what she'd seen quiet.
"God! It's like being back in a college dorm, complete with irritating room-mates! Knowing my luck, she'll be back in three minutes looking for a show." Sasha grumbled, shooting a dirty look at Tom, who was chuckling quietly. He wasn't apologetic at all, instead he pulled her into his lap and stroked his hand through her hair, brushing the strands behind her ear.
"We could try my quarters." He suggested.
"What about your kids?" she asked him as she toyed with the collar of his jacket. She really felt like they had lost the magic of moment. Reality was sinking in with all the reason they should just take a breather and wait until they hit dry land. Then there were also Tom's kids who were probably freaking out and needing their father.
"I should probably check on them." He murmured, with a thoughtful expression, Sasha gave him an incredulous look and playfully punched his shoulder. "What?" He chuckled.
"They are probably terrified." She told him, the ship was lock down and rocking rolling violently in the storm.
"Then come with me. We'll see if they are in my quarters and go from there." He suggested.
Sasha nodded, she loved this side of him, the loving father – she'd often wondered if they hadn't been driven apart all those years ago what their children would've looked like? She realised too that she still wanted those hypothetical children, Tom's children – the thought made her smile at him.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Tom smiled back at her, wondering what had made her smile like that.
"Children – our children." Sasha responded, her heart skipping a beat at stating the idea of children before him and wondering what his reply would be.
"You want children?" Tom asked, not realising until now just how much he wanted her to say yes. She ducked her head, blushing lightly as she was so used to such a topic being a make or break. It was also a conversation people usually left until they were firmly in a relationship, not when they were about to rekindle it.
"Not right away, but yes, I do." She said softly, reaching out to squeeze his hand gently. She hoped he felt the same as he did or at least open to the idea.
"I do too" he pulled her close and interlaced their fingers, "and making them is half the fun." Tom drawled with a sly smile, loving the sound of her laughter echoing through the cabin.