Title: Nose Water
Author: jengou
Fandom: Death Note
Pairings: Mello/Matt
Genre: Humour/Fluff?
Rating: PG
Warnings: Over 1,000 words of dumb, I'm really sorry D:
Disclaimer: The boys own ME. I own nothing.
Prompt: ethanol said, "Matt has an allergy to something, and the wacky hijinks that take place as a result. PLEASE."
Notes: Belated birthday present for ethanol! Congratulations on your birthday! It is a scandalous and unthinkable idea I know, but now you can legally read/write porn. ISN'T LIFE GRAND?
One sneeze, two sneezes, three as the front door finally swung open to a flurry of black feathers and messy blonde hair in need of cutting.
"Mellooooo," Matt wailed from the bed, blowing his nose violently into a wad of tissues. "What took you so long? Where's my food?" He added a pathetic sniffle for extra sympathy points. "You're making a sick person starve."
Mello locked the door behind him and kicked off his boots. "You can't be starving. I generously left a bar of chocolate for you on the nightstand."
"You did? I saw it, but didn't think it was a… gift. Chocolates being the source of your life force and all."
"You make it sound as though I can't just buy more." Mello swung his manly handbag onto the kitchen table, and even from across the room, Matt could hear the rustling sounds of many a chocolate bars jostling within.
"I didn't want to buy too many and raise suspicion, in case the cashier was a spy for the SPK," Mello mumbled. "Would be just like Near to do something like that."
Poor Mello, such a genius, mad as a corkscrew. Matt scratched delicately at his itchy nose. "I hope you had some space in that bag for my dinner."
"I didn't, so I had to walk across town carrying this in my hand. I am disgraced." Mello stalked over by the bed and slid the greasy brown paper bag onto the bedcovers from between his two fingers.
"McDonald's?? I thought you were classier than that."
Mello shrugged. "I am. But you're not."
"Ooh. Nice one."
Mello sat down gingerly on the bedcovers as Matt reached inside the bag. "How're you holding up, anyway?"
Matt collapsed back on a heap of knotted blankets and pillows, cradling the burger to his heart. "I'm a disgusting mess. Look," he gestured at Mello's feet. "I made you a love nest with my snot-filled tissues. You don't have to thank me."
"Urgh!" Mello lifted his feet, and rolled on top of and over Matt to get to the other side of the bed, ignoring Matt's yelps of protest. "Do you usually sneeze this much with colds?"
Matt rubbed his ribs, wincing. "Nope. I'd always slept through colds, at worst sweated it out. With this one though," Matt blew his nose half-heartedly into a tissue with his left hand, and took a bite of the burger from his right. "Let's just say if you hadn't got me some tissues, you'd be drowning in my watery snot."
"Don't you sound sexy."
Matt arched his eybrows. "Didn't stop you last night." He put down the burger and reached for the milkshake. "Hey, I told you strawberry! You got me chocolate milkshake again!"
"Who said I got it for you? I got you orange juice, the chocolate milkshake's for me."
"Oh. Well, then, you have the orange juice," and Matt promptly clamped his mouth down on the straw. "I've contaminated this one, you shouldn't drink from it unless you want to get sick like me."
"I don't think you're sick," Mello proclaimed as he wrenched the milkshake from Matt's feeble grasp and took a noisy slurp. "You've probably got allergies, and allergies aren't contagious."
"Oh yeah? How do you know for sure?"
Mello frowned. "Think, Matt. We eat from the same plate, drink from the same glass, sleep in the same bed. Your disregard for my personal space is so complete that you come in to the bathroom to pee when I'm showering. If it weren't allergies, then I'd definitely have got sick from you by now."
"Mm, that's true." Mello noticed that Matt didn't have the decency to sound even a bit embarrassed.
"The thing is, I'm not sure what you're allergic to. I thought it might have been the dust."
Matt looked around. The place they rented as their temporary hideout was still old and cramped, the walls adorned with hairlines cracks. It was, however, squeaky clean.
"So that's why you got in that bandanna get-up and cleaned the place up last week?"
"Yeah. You're still sneezing though."
"I feel so appreciated. But why didn't you hire a cleaner?" Matt mused.
Mello frowned. "Because the cleaner could've been a spy, I'm not here all the time, and we both know you can't turn down sexual favours worth shit."
"Oh. Uh," Matt twiddled his thumbs. "Thanks for taking precautions."
"Anyway. I've noticed that you only sneeze like this after we've…. You know. Had sex."
The two boys stared at each other in silence, Matt with cluelessly hunched shoulders and Mello with the airs of one being terribly burdened by his own perceptive genius.
"I'm… I'm allergic to gay sex?"
"No! Maybe. I." Mello waved his arms in the air. "Matt."
"What?" Matt could sense a personal question of humiliating nature incoming, and he braced himself.
"Tell me. Have you ever had sex with women?"
Flying spittle of outrage! "What? Of course! I wasn't a virgin or anything before you finally put out."
"With penetration?"
"Huh? Uh," Matt made a huge about-to-sneeze face; Mello waved a tissue at Matt's face, and Matt grabbed it gratefully before blowing up a storm into the tissue. When his face finally surfaced, neither of them could help staring at the gooey mess he made of the tissue.
Matt broke the awkward grossed-out silence. "Well, I'm not sure you're aware, but. Vaginas. They kinda look like this," Matt dangled the sodden tissue. "Who'd want to stick their cocks into something like that? Not me, even with a condom."
"Have you ever used a condom?"
Matt glared. "Up my bum I have, courtesy of one rude bastard."
Mello buried his face in his hands and groaned. "Why do I have to be right all the time?" Mello peered out at Matt between his fingers and glared. "Matt. You have latex allergy.
"Huh?"
"Latex. The plastic which condoms are made of! The plastic which balloons and dentist gloves are made of!"
"Huh. That does explain why I always sneezed at Linda's birthday parties," Matt sniffled and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "'Birthdays without balloons aren't birthdays at all!' she used to say."
"Screw Linda!"
"She was such a slut," Matt mused dreamily.
"Matt." Mello was using his ominous tone. "Do you know what this means? I'm not dying of unsafe sex before I defeat Near, which means no more sex between us!"
Matt sneezed again and reached for another tissue. "It's not so bad."
"NOT SO BAD?"
"I mean, in comparison to never having sex with you again, constant sneezing isn't so bad. I'm sure I'll get used to it."
Mello looked somewhat mollified. "Hey. How about this." He grabbed a tissue, ripped it in half and rolled the halves into the size of pencils too short to write with.
"Here. Stuff these up your nostrils. This way you can take a break from all that sneezing."
Matt looked at the proffered bits of tissue. "Dun wanna," he tossed his head. "Might enlarge my nostrils, ew."
"Ok, ok. Cigarettes then! Cigarettes up your nose."
"Why not suggest your penis up my nose?? My nose is so well lubricated!"
Mello snarled. "Just take the damn tissue bits."
Matt sighed, muttered, "The thing a guy does for some decent sexing," and fitted the bits of tissue up his nostrils.
"…What?"
"…The ends of those tissue wads sticking straight down? Reminds me of this photo that hung everywhere at Wammy's."
"Oh, you mean-"
"Sshhhh! Don't say it!"
"Oh great. Do you want it or not?"
"Yeah ok. Just. Turn around, won't you?"
"Excellent foreplay, Mello."
Author's notes: I'm really sorry for all the dumb! Admittedly, I wrote most of this while, ah, inebriated, and try as I might to fix it up afterwards, the damage was done, the stupid was stuck. Latex allergies just makes it really itchy, but my drunken brain couldn't grasp that, so... please ignore that, ahaha. Also, 'nose water' is the direct translation of the Japanese word for snot, 'hanamizu'. I felt that it was important to specify the consistency of Matt's snot, yus!