Quatre and the Philadelphia

by Juuhachigou-chan

Quatre gets stuck in a Philadelphia... based off the short play

Title: Quatre and the Philadelphia

Author: Juuhachigou-chan

Part 1/1

Note: Based off of David Ives' The Philadelphia

Duo is sitting at a small table inside a small cafe. A pretty looking waitress, maybe about his age, walks up to serve him. "Can I help you?" she asks.

Duo grins. "Do you know you would look fantastic on a wide screen?" he says, hitting on her.

The waitress rolls her eyes. "Uh-huh."

"Seventy millimeters."

"Look," the waitress sighs, not wanting to deal with horny teenagers right now. "Do you want to see a menu, or what?"

"Let's negotiate here," Duo says, leaning back in his chair. "What's the soup du jour today?"

"Soup of the day you got your choice of Polish Duck Blood or Cream of Kidney," the waitress answers, hoping Duo would fall out of the chair.

"Beautiful! Beautiful! Kick me in a kidney!"

The waitress scribbles it down. "You got it."

"Any oyster crackers on your seabed?"

"Nope. All out."

"How about the specials today, spread out your options," Duo grins.

The waitress rolls her eyes, wishing this guy would quit flirting with her. "You got your deep fried gizzards-"

"Fabulous!"

"Calves' brains with okra,"

"You are a temptress!"

"And pickled pigs' feet," the waitress finishes; glad she's done talking so that this guy doesn't keep interrupting her.

"Pigs' feet. I love it. Put me down for a quadruped."

The waitress pulls out her pad and scribbles down the order. "If you say so."

"Any sprouts to go on those feet?" Duo asks.

"Iceberg."

"So be it." The waitress walks to the other room. Just after she leaves the room, a shaken Quatre rushes inside. "Duo!" he shrieks.

"Hey, Quatre. Waz up?"

"Jesus!"

Duo raises an eyebrow. Quatre never curses, even when using a long since abandoned religion in his country. "What's going on, buddy?"

"Oh man…!"

"What's the matter? Sit down."

Quatre just shakes, his face filled with sweat. "I don't get it, Duo! I just don't get it!"

Duo thinks of a way to try and calm Quatre down. "You want something?" Duo offers. "Want a drink? I'll call the waitress-"

"No! No!" Quatre screams in a raspy, desperate voice. "Don't even try!" Quatre takes a deep breathe and slumps into the chair. "I don't know what's going on today, Duo! It's really weird!"

Duo gets a confused look and he leans on his elbow and looks at Quatre. "What, like…?"

"Right from the time I got up."

"What is it? What's the story?"

"Well… just for an example, this morning I stopped at a drugstore to buy some aspirin. This is a big drugstore, right?"

"Yeah…"

"I went to the counter and I said, 'Excuse me, may I have a bottle of aspirin?' The guy working at the counter said, 'Uh, we don't have that.' I said to him, 'You're a drugstore and you don't have aspirin?'

Duo blinks. "Did they have Bufferin?"

"Yes." Quatre nods eagerly.

"Advil?"

"Yes!"

"Tylenol?"

"Yes!"

Duo scratches his head. "But no aspirin, eh? Wow."

"My friend, that is not even the half of it. This sort of thing has been happening to me all day! I went to a newsstand to buy the Daily News and he said he never even heard of it! I asked everywhere- nobody had the News! I had to read the 'LX-119 Hairdresser'. Feeling very hungry from all this frustration, I decided to go to a coffee shop to have some tea, and the woman at the counter said that they didn't have any! She told me to have some Hawaiian Punch!"

Duo nods, now scratching his chin. "Hmm…"

Quatre starts giggling insanely as his eyes change color. "And… the guy at the cab… hee hee… he said they don't go to 56^th Street! Heh hee…"

Duo panicked. "Quatre! Settle down!"

Quatre's giggle soon changed into insane laughing. "Looking at me like an alien or something! I'm an alien, Duo!" Quatre jumped out of his seat and started to laugh even more. "Oh," he says to no one in between laughter, "we don't have that, sir! Don't have it! Ah ha hah!"

Duo jumped up and slammed Quatre back down in his chair. "Quatre! Take a breath!"

Quatre's hands shoot to Duo's collar. "WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME, DUO?!"

"You're in a Philadelphia, buddy."

Quatre stops laughing and his eyes return to normal. "I'm in a what?"

"A Philadelphia," Duo shrugs as if it were obvious.

"But I'm in-"

"Yes, physically you are in New York. But metaphysically, you are in a Philadelphia. You see, inside of what we know as reality, there are these pockets, these black holes called Philadelphias. If you call into one, you run up against exactly the kind of crap you've run into all day."

"Why?" Quatre asks innocently.

"Because in a Philadelphia, no matter what you ask you, you can't get it. You ask for something, they're not going to have it. You want to do something, it ain't gonna get done. You want to go somewhere, you can't get there from here."

"Good God. So, this is very serious, Duo!"

"Just remember, Quatre, this is a condition for the down that invented the cheese steak. Something that nobody in their right mind would ask for."

"And here I thought I was just having a bad day…" Quatre whispers, amazed.

Duo shrugs and leans back in his chair. "Sure," he says as he puts his feet on the table. "Millions of people have spent their entire lifetimes in a Philadelphia and never even knew it. Look at the city of Philadelphia itself. Hopelessly trapped forever inside a Philadelphia. And do they know it?"

Quatre starts to shake and giggle madly again. "What do I do, Duo? Hee… do I kill myself now and get it over with?!"

"No, no…" Duo sighs as he puts his hand on Quatre, calming him down. "You try to kill yourself in a Philadelphia, you're only gonna get hurt and not die."

Quatre calms down again. "So, what do I do?"

"Best thing to do is just wait it out. Someday, the great cosmic train will whisk you out of the City of Brotherly Love and off to someplace happier."

"I must say you are quite mellow today, Duo."

Duo yawns. "Yep, well, everyone has to be someplace."

The waitress walks in the room and sighs as she approaches Duo, not wanting to be hit on. "Is your name Duo Maxwell?"

"Yep," Duo grins.

"There was a phone call for you. Your boss?"

"Yeah?"

"He says you're fired."

"Cool! Thanks!" Duo smiles as the waitress leaves. He looks back at Quatre. "So… about this problem…"

"Duo, she just said you got fired!"

"Yeah! I wonder what happened to my pigs' feet."

Quatre shakes his head in disbelief. "Duo! You loved your job!"

"Hey, who cares?"

"How can you be so calm?"

"Easy," Duo says, sighing in relaxation. "You're in a Philadelphia? I woke up in a Los Angeles. And life is beautiful! You know, Heero packed up and left me this morning for some girl named Alita."

"Heero left you?" Quatre asks blankly.

"And frankly, Quatre, I don't give a damn. I say go, God bless, and may your dating pool be Olympic-sized."

"But your job! The scrap yard is your life!"

Duo takes a sip out of his sprite. "So I'll turn it into a movie and sell it to Paramount. Toss in some sex, add in a little emotional blah-blah-blah, and there ya go. Want my advice? Enjoy your Philadelphia. Sit back, order yourself some tea and sandwiches, and chill out for a while."

"I can't order anything, Duo," Quatre says sheepishly.

"Yes you can. There is one very simple rule in a Philadelphia: Ask for the opposite."

"What?"

"You want the news? Ask for the Times. Get it?"

"Oh."

"Works great with women. What's more opposite than the opposite sex? So… do you want some tea?"

"Oh, that would be delightful, Duo-"

"No. Stop. Do… you… want… some… tea?"

Quatre blinks, then smiles, having caught on. "No, I would not care for some tea, Duo."

"Good," Duo says and looks around. "Now, there's the waitress. Order yourself some tea and sandwiches. But do not ask for tea and sandwiches."

"Waitress!" Quatre calls, pleasantly.

"Don't call her. She won't come."

"Oh."

"Forget that waitress. You don't need her," Duo says, winking.

Quatre stands up. "Hey, waitress! You're a very mean waitress! Don't come over here!"

The waitress walks inside the kitchen.

"You're gonna have to be meaner than that," Duo sighs, shaking his head.

"But, Duo…"

"Quatre… repeat after me: 'Fuck you'."

"Duo! I couldn't possibly-"

"Do you want tea, Quatre?!"

Quatre stares at the door to the kitchen, nervous. I'll do it, Quatre thinks, but for the tea! I'll do it for the tea!

"Waitress!" Quatre calls. He closes his eyes, tears welling up. "Fuck you!" he shouts.

The waitress walks over to him. "May I help you?"

"No thank you," Quatre says politely.

"Whadaya want?"

"Um… some OJ."

"Squeezer's broken. Sorry."

"Milk?"

"Nope."

"Egg nog?"

"Oh, we don't have that sir."

"Coffee?"

The waitress shakes her head. "We only have tea, sir."

"No, thanks."

The waitress turns and shouts, "Get me a cup of tea! Anything else?"

"Hamburger."

"Sandwiches," the waitress writes down. She smiles. "Okay!"

As the waitress leaves, Duo cracks up. "Quatre, my man, that was excellent!"

"Thank you, Duo," Quatre smiles as the waitress returns. She sets down tea in front of Quatre and a cheese steak in front of Duo. "Excuse me?" Duo raises an eyebrow. "Miss, I didn't order that."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I ordered pigs' feet."

"Oh, we don't have that, sir."

Rage fills Duo and he grabs Quatre by the collar of his shirt. "YOU PINK-WEARING SISSY! I'M IN YOUR PHILADELPHIA!"

Quatre blinks, scared. "I-I'm sorry, Duo! I didn't know you could get it from me! Maybe you should ask for the opposite-"

"Don't tell ME how to act in a Philadelphia! I taught you everything, so don't you tell me anything!"

"Maybe you're not really-"

"Do you see the cheese on that steak?! Waitress, bring me a glass of water."

"Water?" the waitress asks blankly. "We don't have any, sir."

Duo stares, then reality settles in his brain. "Oh, crap, I lost my job! Heero left me! I have to make some phone calls!"

Braid trailing behind him, Duo rushes out of the restaurant as Quatre stares at the seat in front of him, confused. He sighs. "I don't know. It's not that bad in a Philadelphia."

The waitress shrugs. "Could be worse. I've been in a Cleveland all week."

Quatre looks at her curiously. "What's that like?"

The waitress sighs. "It's like death, without the advantages."

"Really. Care to stand?"

"Don't mind if I do." The waitress sits in front of Quatre.

"You're very ugly," Quatre says, blushing.

"Why, thank you."

"I hope you won't reveal your name to me."

"Lauren."

Quatre holds out his hand. "Goodbye."

"Hello," the waitress smiles as they shake.

Quatre smiles back. "Want to starve?" he asks, indicating the cheese steak.

"Thanks!" Lauren says as she starts to eat it.

"Yeah, well, everyone has to be someplace…" Quatre says, leaning back in his chair. "So."

END