Rush
Kaylin fell forward onto her bed, blankets muffling her frustrated scream. She stayed there with her eyes closed, ignoring the uncomfortable angle of her thighs against her mattress and the hot air from her breath trapped by the cloth around her face.
Not really a pose meant for an evening dress. She must look ridiculous. She could feel Severn smiling at the sight.
She turned her head in his direction and kicked her feet to propel her further onto her bed. "You have to admit, that was awful," she said.
"It was not that bad," he replied.
Kaylin huffed and flipped over, wrenching her damned silk skirts with her. "If Emmerian wants to court Bellusdeo, then by all means, he can do so, but do we always have to be there for dinner? It's so awkward. And I'm running out of dresses to wear, and I do not want to go shopping for them again. It was enough of a nightmare the first time."
"You're not allowed to rewear them?"
"According to Bellusdeo, no. It apparently hasn't been long enough to start recycling them, which I think is stupid considering Emmerian is here for her, not me. I doubt he'd even notice if I wore my Hawk uniform instead of a dress because he can't tear his eyes off of her for more than three seconds. How long is this going to go on?"
"I don't know much about Dragon courtship, but I imagine it's going to last a long time. Possibly our entire lives."
Kaylin groaned at the thought, which made Severn chuckle. At the sound, she pulled her hands away from her eyes and lifted her chin to look at him. He was still standing, and while he looked fairly relaxed, he didn't look entirely at ease. "Oh," she said suddenly, realizing the problem. "I guess I don't really have a chair in here, do I?"
She half expected one to pop up out of nowhere, courtesy of Helen, but then mentally smacked herself in the head, as Helen did try to offer her an illusion of privacy in her own rooms. She could verbally or mentally request a couch or chair and it would likely appear, but on the other hand...
She smacked her hand against the bed. "Come here," she said, draping her forearm over her face. "Sit. You need to recover from that gods-awful dinner too." She closed her eyes again, but she felt the dip of the mattress when Severn settled beside her.
"It was not that bad," he told her again.
"Maybe not," she finally allowed. "But still, it's just... They're... They're dragons!"
Not her most impressive observation. She didn't have to open her eyes to feel Severn's amusement. "I just..." She thought for a moment about how to explain. "Both of them are immortal and Lords of the Dragon Court, and they should just be above this! It's ridiculous to watch them stutter around each other!"
"Too human of them?"
"Something like that," she said. "Bellusdeo gets worked up each and every time. And of course, who gets picked on when she's in a frenzy? Me, that's who."
"Hence the hair."
"Yes, the hair. And the dress and the make-up and everything that goes along with it. You have to admit, this weekly production is getting to be a bit much."
"I wasn't disagreeing." She started when Severn touched her hair and then relaxed again when she realized he was removing the pins. The style was pretty enough; it made curls tumble around her shoulders like a waterfall, but the pins scraped against her scalp. She lowered her hands and curled to the side to help give him access.
"Still," she said, her voice softer now. "It's nice to see her happy."
Severn hummed his agreement but seemed more occupied with freeing her hair than continuing the conversation. Kaylin stayed quiet as he finished removing the seemingly endless number of pins from her hair. She heard the soft clunk of metal on wood as he dropped them onto her bedside table and then closed her eyes as he ran his hand through her hair, working out the few tangles hiding in the curls. Once he could slide his hand from top to bottom in one motion, he did so once, twice, three times, before the bed creaked as he moved away from her.
Kaylin rolled from her side to her back and looked up at him. He'd shifted, but not too far, and she could still look up at him. He met her eyes, but there was tension in them. His arms were behind him to brace his body, but the muscles in his arms were too tight, stiffening more than what was necessary to hold him up. Severn was nervous.
Well of course he was nervous. She'd dragged him in here without so much as a by your leave, and then further, demanded he join her on her bed. True, they'd shared a bed plenty of times in the past, but things were different now. They weren't two kids in the fiefs anymore. Or even two Hawks accustomed to relying on each other. They were different now, and she should respect the change in boundaries and ensure that he remained comfortable in her home. She should move them to a more neutral location.
But instead of apologizing, she sat up. She carefully manipulated her skirts to allow her to scoot over close to his side. And slowly, she reached her hand up to his cheek, turned his face, and pressed her lips against his.
They'd kissed a few times over the past year. Usually after Kaylin ran off to throw herself somewhat recklessly into yet another magical rescue. And as the stakes rose and things got steadily more dangerous fighting the Shadows, Severn had taken to expressing his relief when she came back safe in a new way.
She hadn't minded. At all.
But this... This was the first time she'd initiated a kiss. And more than that, this is the first time she'd kissed him in complete and total privacy. The house was quiet for once, clear of her usual Barrani housemates and other assorted immortals. Bellusdeo and Emmerian were in the small garden out back; they'd likely talk there until dawn. And her familiar was asleep, sprawled out on the carpet.
For all intents and purposes, they were alone.
She kept the kiss simple, just a press of lips against lips, and when she pulled back, he didn't resist. She opened her eyes and swallowed, looking up at him.
There was something she wanted from him, a slip of an idea in the back of her mind, but she wasn't quite ready to ask for it in words. So instead, she started talking. "What do you think of the dresses? You've never said."
His eyes darkened at the question, and Kaylin wondered, not for the first time, just how much her thoughts bled through their mental link. Did he already know where she was going with this? Still, he humored her. "They look nice. I know you don't always like them, but they suit you."
"What about this one, specifically?"
At the question, she had the pleasure of watching Severn's eyes take her in. Well, take the dress in, but as she was the one wearing the dress, he had to look at her too. Out of the many fine and expensive pieces now residing in her closet, this was the only one she'd chosen herself.
It was midnight blue with long skirts that swished when she walked. The fabric gathered around her shoulders, held in place by a silver clasp bordering her collarbone, and it left her arms bare. She'd chosen it because it reminded her of the white dress she'd worn at the first of these dinners and because it reminded her of what had begun that night, a small moment that had taken root deep in her heart. And over the past year, that small seed had spread until Kaylin could no longer ignore its growth.
Once, she had been mortified to have her arms out like this. But things were different now.
"I never thought I'd see the day when you would fish for compliments." Severn had finished his appraisal.
"Well?" she said, impatient, with just a hint of a bite to her voice.
He smirked at her. "The dress is beautiful, Kaylin. And you look beautiful in it."
Yes, Kaylin had all but demanded the praise, but she still had to duck her head to hide the slight blush heating up her cheeks. Severn huffed out half a laugh beside her before he caught her chin in his hand and lifted her face back up to his. This time he kissed her.
His kiss was longer and deeper. Kaylin allowed this, letting the burn in her belly override her hesitation and give her courage. She wanted something, something small and incredibly simple. Silly, really, that the thought of it made her so anxious. Severn wouldn't mind. All she had to do was ask.
She carefully broke the kiss with just a light touch to Severn's face. He obeyed her unasked request, pulling back, but she dropped her hand to his shoulder to keep him close and gathered both her nerves and her skirts. Cautiously, suddenly wishing that there had been occasion to practice this maneuver, she drew up her skirts, used Severn's shoulder as leverage, and draped herself over him.
She ended up with one knee on either side of his hips, silk pooling all around them. There was still space between their torsos, but other parts of their bodies were... very, very close together. Kaylin forced her attention away from that little fact for a minute and took in Severn's reaction.
She'd surprised him. Though an outsider would never be able to tell, she could see in the shape of his eyes and the tightness of his mouth that he was taken aback.
She didn't give him time to recover. Instead, she tucked her other hand behind his head and drew him in to kiss her again.
He kissed her back, but she could tell he was holding back. She could feel the tension in his shoulders, the forced restraint, and she mentally frowned. Restraint was not really what she was going for. And then she realized that if she was going to get what she wanted, she had talk to him. Severn had always allowed her to determine the pace of their relationship, and if she wanted to fundamentally change things tonight, she needed to throw him a line and let him know what she was thinking. So she broke the kiss again and dropped her forehead to touch his, marking his breathing and liking how it tickled her face.
"Do you remember the first dinner we had here?"
His lips twisted, but he followed the change of subject. "Of course."
"You remember the white dress?" He nodded, and she appreciated that he didn't tease her in this moment, because this was hard enough to choke out without feeling stupid. "That night, you walked me over to the chair, and I remember how your palm felt against my arm. Gods, Severn, it burned like a brand. It felt so good. It's something that stuck out to me, something that I thought about for a long time after. Something that forced me to recognize that my feelings for you were evolving. There aren't a lot of people that I can let see my skin, let alone touch it.
"I mean, I get hugs and handshakes, and Annarion has this new thing where he loves to flick me on the forehead, but not... touch. Not skin on skin. Not from you. And I want to feel that again."
There. It was out. Small. Simple. Probably silly.
But very true. Kaylin had always craved companionship. She'd found that in her Hawks and her friends. And that had been enough for her for a long time.
But now she needed something more, something physical and concrete. She loved
Severn, and she knew he loved her. But she wanted that affection shown in a new way now. After all this time, she was ready to be touched. That's all.
He didn't chose to respond, so Kaylin kissed him again, softly. She wanted to allow him time to process what she'd just said, but it was hard to wait for his reaction.
But she felt him shift beneath her as he leaned forward. She felt his chest brush up again hers. And most of all, she felt one of his hands, barely there, but still present, run a long line from her forearm to her fingers. She broke the kiss and looked at him, into those dark blue eyes, and whatever he saw in her own answered stare seemed to be enough.
Neither spoke, because neither needed too. He moved slowly, perhaps to avoid scaring her, perhaps to savor the moment. She wasn't sure. But he gathered her left hand into both of his, and as he supported her hand with one of his own, the fingers of the other started to trace along the black lines marking her wrists.
He traced the first mark, following the angular slash that folded back on itself with a graceful curve. Once he'd touched every line and curl of the first mark, he lowered his head and kissed it, barely brushing her skin with his lips.
She hadn't expected that kiss.
And gods, if his touch on her arm was a burn, his kiss was a blazing inferno. He'd just grazed her, and yet she had to force herself not to gasp. And the look he shot her, up through his eyelashes, before setting his sights on the next mark...
The anticipation was killing her, as he methodically made his way up her arm. What could be awkward was not, as she waited with bated breath for him to reach his destination.
Sure enough, he followed her marks over her shoulder, which Kaylin liked, but not as much as she liked when he finally reached the marks at her neck.
His lips started to wander now, tracing a pathway from her jaw down the line of her neck and out along her collarbone. Kaylin tipped her head back to allow it, and tightened her hold on his arms. He responded with a nip to her neck, and she surprised herself by moaning.
She should be mortified. Who made noises like that from just a little kiss? But she took heart from the obvious fact that Severn liked the sound, judging by the sudden squeeze of the hand that had found its way to her hip. He found the reaction attractive, and it made her want to do more. To go further, to see what sounds he could draw out of her.
She wanted to make him moan too.
Her thoughts must have been too loud at this point, as Severn finally pulled back from her, his breath just slightly elevated. "Kaylin," he said softly, and she cursed him for his respect. She knew exactly what he was going to do. He was going to pull back, give her space, give her a chance to think and reconsider, do all the things that made her love him, but she didn't want that. Not right now. Not anymore.
Her ire gave led to action and daring. She glared at him as she grabbed one hand, guiding it sharply to her knee and sliding it up along her thigh under her skirts. It felt so good, but she ignored that as she focused on the man in front of her. "Severn," she said, her voice stern as she tried to get through to him that she wanted this more than just about anything. "Please. Touch me."
His fingers twitched against her skin at the order, but he still didn't fully react. And so Kaylin closed her eyes and pulled out her one last card, a place where she couldn't lie. Severn, she said, hating and loving the begging tone of her voice. Please.
And finally, finally, his control snapped.
His hand on her thigh tugged, his hand on her waist pushed, and Kaylin found herself on her back looking up, just getting a glimpse of his face as he came in to kiss her before she shut her eyes. This kiss, this kiss, was what she was going for. He licked his way past her lips and invaded, and she pressed her tongue back against his in return. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled him closer, hardly caring that her skirts must be an absolute disaster by now. He didn't seem to mind, judging by the fact that he was refusing to relinquish his hold on her thigh, though the angle must be awkward for his wrist. With that in mind, Kaylin bent her knees, his hand following the movement, ending up on top of her knee. And then he settled his weight on her.
Her body went so hot she swore Severn must be able to feel it, and her pulse throbbed in her throat. She tore her mouth away from his to gasp for breath, and he didn't miss a beat, dropping his mouth to her neck again, this time following it down to the neckline of her dress. The low cut allowed him to brush his lips along the swell of her breasts, and her back arched as he did so, which also lifted her hips to meet his. The motion dragged a sound out him that Kaylin immediately treasured, just as she treasured the sudden press of his hips back against hers. And the juxtaposition of his body, hard and strong, with the soft drag of his lips, was driving her completely insane.
This was what she was going for. She wanted him to undo the clasps of her dress, to drop his lips even lower, to run his hands along the curves of her back and pull her even closer.
And she wanted to return the favor. She pushed him back a bit, his lips reluctant to release her skin, and took in his clothing with a critical eye. Someone who excelled at fitting into any situation, he'd dressed well for dinner, but the fitted jacket he wore had way too many buttons. She mentally shrugged and reached up to the ones crossing his shoulder, figuring that was as good a place to start as any.
And of course, that when he peeled his fingers away from her leg and caught her hand against his shoulder, keeping her from her task. "Oh no you don't," she said, frowning at him, pleased that her voice wasn't completely breathless. "That shirt is coming off."
"Kaylin," he warned, eyes narrowing, fingers twitching. And then his face closed off and he pulled back to crouch on his heels, which was not where she wanted him, dammit! "Please."
She sat up, mind reeling. Had she done something wrong? He continued to back off, climbing off her bed. What was he doing? She thought that had been going pretty well, all things considered! Aware that her cheeks were flushing scarlet, from mortification this time, she drew up irritation as a quick cover. "What the hell was that?"
Severn's only answer was a muttered Leontine oath, as he covered his eyes with one hand.
"Hey. Hey!" she cried as he turned away from her. She scrambled to push her skirts back down and get off the bed. "Severn!" He managed two steps before she caught him and yanked him around to face her. "What the hell just happened?" He refused to look down at her, expression shuttered, and she cursed his height. "I thought you like kissing me! Do you think that was easy for me to do? What did I do wrong? Why did—"
He cut her off, hauling her up and kissing her again. And while before, his kisses had been deep, this kiss bordered on frantic. His arms were tight enough to border on painful, and Kaylin had to fight to keep up with his pace. Her body struggled to decide what to feel, the sudden rush of lust fighting with her embarrassment. She couldn't decide whether to wrap her legs around his waist or push him away and punch him in the face.
In the end, she chose to ignore the mixed signals and give in, hiking herself up against him as best she could. He helped her, palms returning to her thighs, pulling her up against his chest, and she squeezed her legs around his ribs. Once she was secure, he wrapped his arms back around her waist, and she loved this. This was the closest she had ever been to anyone. There was something intoxicating about know that this passion was real. This wasn't about power or domination. It was about expressing what could be difficult to get out in words. And this particular kiss, hard and hungry, lacking in Severn's usual refinement, as though he just couldn't get enough... She crushed him even closer. She was not letting him go again.
Though of course that was when he ripped his lips from hers. "Fuck, Kaylin," he groaned out. "Stop. We have to stop."
Oh hell no. "Severn!" Her voice was a whine now. "Why?"
"Because if you start this," he said into her ear, almost panting, hands tightening on her hips. "I'm not going to be able to stop."
Oh.
Oh.
That was enough to cool her ardor a bit. She released her legs from their vise around his waist and he helped her slide down his body and back to the floor. She considering putting some distance between them, but tossed that idea aside. She curled her hands around his shoulders to keep him close."
They stood that way for several long moments, both catching their breath. Kaylin stared at his chest, not ready to meet his eyes.
Finally, when her heart was no longer racing, she spoke. "Sex."
"Yes."
"That's something that you want with me."
"Yes. Gods, yes. But that's something that I don't think you're ready for yet."
She didn't have an answer for that one. But she did finally get herself to look at his face.
He continued once he realized she wasn't going to respond. "I want to tell myself that I can settle for what you're ready to give me, and accept only what you offer, but I don't trust my self control enough with you. Kissing you is one thing, but if you start to want to push boundaries, I'm going to want more than you're ready to give. And I don't want to put you in a position where you feel pressured to meet someone else's expectations.
"If you want me to touch you, and gods, I want to, I want to be able to touch all of you." And she watched as his eyes strayed to her cheek, and suddenly, she understood. He wasn't just talking about intimate areas. She resisted the urge to clap her hand over the offending cheek.
The mark.
She knew she couldn't really blame him for bringing that up, as he did make a good point. But at the same time... "You know that I can't remove it. I didn't have any choice in the matter when he gave it to me. And I sure as hell didn't give him my name!"
"I know that." His voice was so soft, gentle even. "But at the same time, if there's anyone in this world who could remove that mark without dying, it's you. If you really wanted it to be gone, it would be gone. You wouldn't rest until you found a way. So the fact that you haven't, even with everyone that's happened between us this past year, tells me that you're not ready to be with me that way. Not yet.
"And I understand that. I'm not demanding anything of you. But i want you to understand that if you decide you want to commit to me, I'm not going to want to let you go. I'm not going to share."
She nodded, dropping her eyes to look at the neat little row of buttons on his jacket. "That's fair." He did have a point. If the situation had been reversed, she sure as hell wouldn't have wanted him marching around with another woman's claim on him. She would have probably been quite a bit ruder dealing with it too.
But her relationship with Nightshade had always been complicated. And while she'd never planned on initiating any kind of romance with the fieflord, and had no intention of ever doing so, he'd become a part of her life. Not as vital a part as Severn was to her, but still an ally of sorts that she'd learned to cautiously rely on.
And if she took steps to remove to the mark, that would mark the end of the relationship. She would no longer find any safety in Nightshade. She'd possibly never see him again.
"I wish I had a real response for you," she said finally, mulling it over.
"I'm not expecting one."
"But still," she said, looking up at him. "I wish I did. But I've been learning to be a bit less impulsive, and making that kind of decision means I do need to take time to think. It's not that I don't want to be with you, but—"
"Kaylin," he said, wrapping his arms a little more around her. "I understand. Believe me, I do. And I want you to take the time you need."
She swallowed. "I don't understand how you can be so patient. I've made you wait and wait—"
"Which means I've had a lot of practice. You don't need to worry about me."
She nodded, accepting his words. He'd always said he was so good at waiting because she was so bad at it. But perhaps that inability would help in this case. She wouldn't make him wait long. She'd spent so much time denying that the future was worth worrying about, but if she had to sit down and make a damn pro-con list regarding the mark, she would.
And while she was at it, she'd have to take a good look at herself, and decide if she was really ready for that step. If she was really ready to trust him with her body. Oh, she trusted him with everything else, but still. Was she really ready to cast aside that final barrier?
She'd figure it out.
For him.
But...
Well...
In the mean time...
Uh...
"We can still kiss, though, right?"
And to her surprise, that made him laugh. Really, really, laugh, in a way that she so rarely got to hear. And then he gave her that smirk that made her knees weak and pulled her close again.
"Oh, hell, yes."
Notes
Oh, c'mon, someone had to write it!
I saved this file as Kissy Kissy, and set it in the distant future, where our two heroes have hopefully worked out a thing or two. I don't know about you, but I'm getting a bit impatient! So there may be another one of these after I read Deception, and get frustrated again. ;)
Or maybe I'll finally suck it up and write Entangled. We'll see!
SJ