*~*~
An empty space.
Somehow, my history has managed to be reduced to an empty space. I'm not quite sure how I got here.. or why I got here. An' never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd ever be movin' from the apartment that I had called my home for so long.
I grew up here. My family, as scattered as it was, were all here. I brought my kids home from Mercy hospital. Fred an' I were married at the church 'round the corner.
I'd lived in this buildin' my whole life. Somehow, I thought I was gonna die here too. Ya know how some people are jus' meant to be in certain places at certain times? For some reason I thought that these four walls were my destiny. I thought we would grow old here, Fred an' I.
It jus' goes to show you. Some things you can't count on.
*~*~
No one coulda predicted Fred's first heart attack. I thought that that was the end of my life - that he was lost to me forever. But then.. then he came back. He had found God.. an' he had transformed. Transformed again into the man I fell in love with - sweet, lovin'.. takin' care of my needs.. not jealous of every man I talked to... even' bein' civil to Bos, which was a miracle upon itself.
I was beginnin' to really fall in love with him again. I mean.. he was so good to the kids.. so good to me - cookin' me dinner after comin' home from a long night of work. An' then.. then the proverbial shit hit the fan.
I'm not sure when the cycle started. But first he wasn't showin' up where he was supposed to be again. An' then I'd come home from work, an' he wouldn't be here, leavin' Emily to watch Charlie. He'd slip into bed later, an' I could smell the alcohol on him.
So much for him findin' God. It seemed that Fred had convinced God to carry his six pack of beer for him while he got high at his old stompin' grounds.
It almost happened overnight, really. So I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised when I got the call. I was workin'. An' thank God Bos' was with me when we went to see the body, or I woulda completely broken down. The bastard had gotten well 'nuff for me to fall in love with him again.. an he had gotten sick 'nuff to die from alcohol poisonin'.
Doc an' Carlos got there, an' I could tell by the look in their eye that it was too late. They were tryin' to get him back - but I think it was to humor me more than anythin' else.
Fred Yokas. Dead. Age 36. In the middle of an uptown bar.
Faith Yokas. Widow. Age 35.
What is a widow, anyway? We had the funeral, my kids surroundin' me. Bosco was sittin' right behind me, showin' his support, but understandin' that this was a time that I hadda be strong for my kids. He couldn't fix this for me, no matter how much he mighta wanted to. Okay. So he never said much.. but I could tell in his eyes. I could tell that he was hurtin' for me, despite the fact that he an' Fred had never really been friends.
I was wearin' black.. but somehow it didn't suit me. My kids were wearin' black.. but somehow it didn't suit them. We weren't supposed to be detached like this. Fred wasn't supposed to leave me like this. Not when I had jus' fallen back in love with him.
The days grew into weeks, an' somehow, there was always someone there for me. Bosco an' the kids made sure I was never alone.. an' soon it was more often than not that Bosco was at my house before startin' our shift at work, havin' a quick meal.. sayin' hi to the kids.. makin' sure we were all doin' alright.
My best friend was lettin' me lean on him - at my own pace. An' I very ... very much appreciated that. After a couple of months, the kids would ask if Bosco wasn't there - as if it was part of an expected thin'. An' maybe it was. I kinda liked havin' him 'round. I wasn't tired of him - even after workin' with him on a shift. Even on those days I really wanted to throw him against a wall for some of his bigotted, inane comments...
...I ultimately still really enjoyed havin' him 'round.
*~*~
Lost in memories. I shook my head, bringin' myself back to the present. But stayin' in the present didn't last long. As I looked 'round the livin' room, where there was once furniture, but now there was none, I remembered when the line was crossed. I remembered when I first realized that there might be somethin' more for me an Bos than jus' bein' the best of friends.
*~*~
We were watchin' a movie one night. I guess it was 'bout six months after Fred's death. I was thinkin' 'bout Fred less an' less. Oh, don' get me wrong, I still loved him.. but the pain was more of a dull ache, rather than a sharp stabbin' feelin'. We were watchin' the pictures on the screen, an' Bosco turned towards me, his eyes searchin' my face as he smiled ever so slightly.
I turned my head towards him, my smile mirrorin' his. "A penny for your thoughts, Bos," I said, my voice harsh from not speakin' for a pretty long period of time.
His smile grew broader. "Ya know.. I was jus' lookin' at ya.. the way the light is.. I dunno... you.. you're jus' beautiful, Faith. I... I thought ya should know that..."
Okay. I could feel my cheeks turn red, an' I quickly shook my head. "Ya don't gotta say that to flatter me, Bos. I know better... You're jus' sayin' that 'cause I'm sittin' here..."
I could see his face change. Had I misjudged? He looked at me intently. "No.. I was tellin' the truth.. an'..." He shook his head again. "Nevermind.. alright? Forget I said anythin'. I.. I gotta use your bathroom..."
Flustered, he got up from the couch, an' quickly retreated to the back part of the house. I sat there, lookin' at the movie which had a plotline that I was no longer interested in. Had i been outta the datin' market so long, that I had blatently missed when a pass was bein' made towards me? An'.. BOSCO was makin' a pass at me?
I clutched one of those couch pillows in front of me, an' waited for him to come back. He slowly did, sittin' back down on the couch next to me. I bit my lip as I turned towards him. Tentatively, I reached out, an' took his hand in mine. He looked at me, an' carefully put his other arm 'round my shoulder. I found myself scootin' towards him, an' found comfort in his embrace.
It wasn't long after that that we started to go out - jus' the two of us. A burger after our shift.. a movie or two... it was really comfortable. I mean.. natural-like. He would take the kids out too - takin' them to a movie.. goin' with Charlie to the park to play ball. In all that time he never once tried anythin'. I think he knew that I would need to make the first move if we were gonna take things to a different level.
One night, after a particularly bad shift where there was a shootin' involved, instead of the two of us goin' to Haggertys, we headed to his apartment, cravin' to be truely alone without even my kids interruptin' us. I remember that night clearly - it was freezin' cold, an' Bosco had his arm 'round my shoulders, as if that could protect me from the weather. We were laughin' as we walked into the apartment - Bosco had cracked some joke or 'nother, an' I was still gigglin' at that as he opened his apartment door.
Once we were inside, the laughter subsided. An' it was jus' him an' me. I think he brushed a hair offa my face after I pulled my hood down.. an' I was lost from that moment on. His eyes locked with mine. His hands gently cupped my face, an' he kissed me for the first time. I mean.. -really- kissed me, not the soft pecks that we had exchanged as friends. It was jus' so tender.. an' so .. unlike anythin' I had ever experienced before. Definitely not with Fred, anyway.
I went towards him, an' the kisses became more intense. An' then.. it was like we had been together all our lives. We had eight years of friendship backin' us up. We had a month or so of casual datin'. An' now...
Now it was all gonna come full circle.
First my jacket dropped to the floor.. an' his followed. An' we began to remove our clothin' - not thinkin'.. simply feelin'. First my shirt.. somehow that ended up on a chair on one side of the room. His underwear wound up in the chandalier. An' I never thought I had seen someone as handsome in my life than Bosco looked in my eyes at that moment.
He guided me towards his bedroom, gently depositin' me on the sheets before movin' next to me. A few more moments, and we were coupled as one. He moved within me an' brought me to heights that no other lover had ever brought me to. I surrounded him, my love takin' full hold onto his as we cemented together a relationship that had been so slow and sweet in buildup.
~*~*
At those memories, I was smilin'. That was ten months earlier, an' things were so much different now. Maybe empty spaces weren't so bad. Maybe it was alright to put some things behind me to look towards the future. The door opened behind me, an' there was Bos. We had jus' gotten married over the weekend. Some said it mighta been too soon, but what with me bein' almost four months pregnant, it made the most sense.
We were movin' to a new place - a place to call our own for our new family. Emily an' Charlie had fallen right into step with it. Bosco had always been parta the family, an' now he was even more so. The new place was much larger than either of ours combined - but with what both of us were payin' for rent, we could readily afford it. Em an' Charlie were finally gonna have their own rooms.
He walked up behind me, wrappin' his arms an' hands 'round my ever growin' expanse of a belly. "You're beautiful," he whispered into my ear.
An' ya wanna know somethin'? I believed him.
An empty space.
Somehow, my history has managed to be reduced to an empty space. I'm not quite sure how I got here.. or why I got here. An' never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd ever be movin' from the apartment that I had called my home for so long.
I grew up here. My family, as scattered as it was, were all here. I brought my kids home from Mercy hospital. Fred an' I were married at the church 'round the corner.
I'd lived in this buildin' my whole life. Somehow, I thought I was gonna die here too. Ya know how some people are jus' meant to be in certain places at certain times? For some reason I thought that these four walls were my destiny. I thought we would grow old here, Fred an' I.
It jus' goes to show you. Some things you can't count on.
*~*~
No one coulda predicted Fred's first heart attack. I thought that that was the end of my life - that he was lost to me forever. But then.. then he came back. He had found God.. an' he had transformed. Transformed again into the man I fell in love with - sweet, lovin'.. takin' care of my needs.. not jealous of every man I talked to... even' bein' civil to Bos, which was a miracle upon itself.
I was beginnin' to really fall in love with him again. I mean.. he was so good to the kids.. so good to me - cookin' me dinner after comin' home from a long night of work. An' then.. then the proverbial shit hit the fan.
I'm not sure when the cycle started. But first he wasn't showin' up where he was supposed to be again. An' then I'd come home from work, an' he wouldn't be here, leavin' Emily to watch Charlie. He'd slip into bed later, an' I could smell the alcohol on him.
So much for him findin' God. It seemed that Fred had convinced God to carry his six pack of beer for him while he got high at his old stompin' grounds.
It almost happened overnight, really. So I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised when I got the call. I was workin'. An' thank God Bos' was with me when we went to see the body, or I woulda completely broken down. The bastard had gotten well 'nuff for me to fall in love with him again.. an he had gotten sick 'nuff to die from alcohol poisonin'.
Doc an' Carlos got there, an' I could tell by the look in their eye that it was too late. They were tryin' to get him back - but I think it was to humor me more than anythin' else.
Fred Yokas. Dead. Age 36. In the middle of an uptown bar.
Faith Yokas. Widow. Age 35.
What is a widow, anyway? We had the funeral, my kids surroundin' me. Bosco was sittin' right behind me, showin' his support, but understandin' that this was a time that I hadda be strong for my kids. He couldn't fix this for me, no matter how much he mighta wanted to. Okay. So he never said much.. but I could tell in his eyes. I could tell that he was hurtin' for me, despite the fact that he an' Fred had never really been friends.
I was wearin' black.. but somehow it didn't suit me. My kids were wearin' black.. but somehow it didn't suit them. We weren't supposed to be detached like this. Fred wasn't supposed to leave me like this. Not when I had jus' fallen back in love with him.
The days grew into weeks, an' somehow, there was always someone there for me. Bosco an' the kids made sure I was never alone.. an' soon it was more often than not that Bosco was at my house before startin' our shift at work, havin' a quick meal.. sayin' hi to the kids.. makin' sure we were all doin' alright.
My best friend was lettin' me lean on him - at my own pace. An' I very ... very much appreciated that. After a couple of months, the kids would ask if Bosco wasn't there - as if it was part of an expected thin'. An' maybe it was. I kinda liked havin' him 'round. I wasn't tired of him - even after workin' with him on a shift. Even on those days I really wanted to throw him against a wall for some of his bigotted, inane comments...
...I ultimately still really enjoyed havin' him 'round.
*~*~
Lost in memories. I shook my head, bringin' myself back to the present. But stayin' in the present didn't last long. As I looked 'round the livin' room, where there was once furniture, but now there was none, I remembered when the line was crossed. I remembered when I first realized that there might be somethin' more for me an Bos than jus' bein' the best of friends.
*~*~
We were watchin' a movie one night. I guess it was 'bout six months after Fred's death. I was thinkin' 'bout Fred less an' less. Oh, don' get me wrong, I still loved him.. but the pain was more of a dull ache, rather than a sharp stabbin' feelin'. We were watchin' the pictures on the screen, an' Bosco turned towards me, his eyes searchin' my face as he smiled ever so slightly.
I turned my head towards him, my smile mirrorin' his. "A penny for your thoughts, Bos," I said, my voice harsh from not speakin' for a pretty long period of time.
His smile grew broader. "Ya know.. I was jus' lookin' at ya.. the way the light is.. I dunno... you.. you're jus' beautiful, Faith. I... I thought ya should know that..."
Okay. I could feel my cheeks turn red, an' I quickly shook my head. "Ya don't gotta say that to flatter me, Bos. I know better... You're jus' sayin' that 'cause I'm sittin' here..."
I could see his face change. Had I misjudged? He looked at me intently. "No.. I was tellin' the truth.. an'..." He shook his head again. "Nevermind.. alright? Forget I said anythin'. I.. I gotta use your bathroom..."
Flustered, he got up from the couch, an' quickly retreated to the back part of the house. I sat there, lookin' at the movie which had a plotline that I was no longer interested in. Had i been outta the datin' market so long, that I had blatently missed when a pass was bein' made towards me? An'.. BOSCO was makin' a pass at me?
I clutched one of those couch pillows in front of me, an' waited for him to come back. He slowly did, sittin' back down on the couch next to me. I bit my lip as I turned towards him. Tentatively, I reached out, an' took his hand in mine. He looked at me, an' carefully put his other arm 'round my shoulder. I found myself scootin' towards him, an' found comfort in his embrace.
It wasn't long after that that we started to go out - jus' the two of us. A burger after our shift.. a movie or two... it was really comfortable. I mean.. natural-like. He would take the kids out too - takin' them to a movie.. goin' with Charlie to the park to play ball. In all that time he never once tried anythin'. I think he knew that I would need to make the first move if we were gonna take things to a different level.
One night, after a particularly bad shift where there was a shootin' involved, instead of the two of us goin' to Haggertys, we headed to his apartment, cravin' to be truely alone without even my kids interruptin' us. I remember that night clearly - it was freezin' cold, an' Bosco had his arm 'round my shoulders, as if that could protect me from the weather. We were laughin' as we walked into the apartment - Bosco had cracked some joke or 'nother, an' I was still gigglin' at that as he opened his apartment door.
Once we were inside, the laughter subsided. An' it was jus' him an' me. I think he brushed a hair offa my face after I pulled my hood down.. an' I was lost from that moment on. His eyes locked with mine. His hands gently cupped my face, an' he kissed me for the first time. I mean.. -really- kissed me, not the soft pecks that we had exchanged as friends. It was jus' so tender.. an' so .. unlike anythin' I had ever experienced before. Definitely not with Fred, anyway.
I went towards him, an' the kisses became more intense. An' then.. it was like we had been together all our lives. We had eight years of friendship backin' us up. We had a month or so of casual datin'. An' now...
Now it was all gonna come full circle.
First my jacket dropped to the floor.. an' his followed. An' we began to remove our clothin' - not thinkin'.. simply feelin'. First my shirt.. somehow that ended up on a chair on one side of the room. His underwear wound up in the chandalier. An' I never thought I had seen someone as handsome in my life than Bosco looked in my eyes at that moment.
He guided me towards his bedroom, gently depositin' me on the sheets before movin' next to me. A few more moments, and we were coupled as one. He moved within me an' brought me to heights that no other lover had ever brought me to. I surrounded him, my love takin' full hold onto his as we cemented together a relationship that had been so slow and sweet in buildup.
~*~*
At those memories, I was smilin'. That was ten months earlier, an' things were so much different now. Maybe empty spaces weren't so bad. Maybe it was alright to put some things behind me to look towards the future. The door opened behind me, an' there was Bos. We had jus' gotten married over the weekend. Some said it mighta been too soon, but what with me bein' almost four months pregnant, it made the most sense.
We were movin' to a new place - a place to call our own for our new family. Emily an' Charlie had fallen right into step with it. Bosco had always been parta the family, an' now he was even more so. The new place was much larger than either of ours combined - but with what both of us were payin' for rent, we could readily afford it. Em an' Charlie were finally gonna have their own rooms.
He walked up behind me, wrappin' his arms an' hands 'round my ever growin' expanse of a belly. "You're beautiful," he whispered into my ear.
An' ya wanna know somethin'? I believed him.