{Finally, after weeks of agonizing anticipation, the final episode of Voyager! Drumroll!}
{Scene opens up to a majestic view of Voyager whooshing through space. Cut to view of bridge. All the usual people are there in their usual places.}
Tuvok: Well, I heard that Ensign Kim was going to die and that I would end up with Seven of Nine.
Chakotay: That's not what I heard!
Harry: Me, neither!
Tom: I heard that Voyager will get caught in a time loop and be stuck in the Delta Quadrant for all eternity.
Harry: That doesn't sound very nice.
Janeway: Gentlemen, please! Why don't we just wait and see how this turns out?
Harry: Captain! I'm detecting a Borg ship!
Janeway: I see. So the Borg will be our enemy in this episode. Red Alert! Shields up! (Action music starts playing. Close up on Janeway's face) Let's get those Borg scum.
{Music swells as we get an outside view of Voyager executing a complicated series of maneuvers. The Borg ship comes into view. It fires a few pitiful shots at our Starfleet pals.}
{Scene change back to the bridge.}
Harry: Two hits! No damage!
Janeway: Okay, Tuvok. (Close up) Fire!
{Switch to space view. Voyager fires on the Borg ship and...it explodes in a dazzling light display, complete with physics-busting sound}
{Back to bridge view. Everybody is staring in awe at the viewscreen.}
Tuvok: That was easy.
Janeway: (Looks disappointed) I'll be...in my ready room. Drinking coffee.
{Scene change to her Ready Room. Chakotay enters.}
Chakotay: Captain.
Janeway: (Holds up a finger while she takes a long sip of coffee) Yes?
Chakotay: What's this episode going to be about?
Janeway: What do you mean?
Chakotay: Well...it can't be about the Borg. We just destroyed their ship, no problem. So...what's gonna happen?
Janeway: I'm sure our wonderful producers have something very exciting planned for our final episode. Now go away. I want to play Minesweeper!
{Scene change to Tom and B'Elanna's quarters. Tom is standing in front of the TV wearing a leotard and stockings. He's watching an aerobics video.}
Aerobics Lady: Now jump! One! Two!
Tom: (Doing jumping jacks) Three! Four!
Aerobics Lady: Five! Okay and smile!
Tom: (Smiles)
Aerobics Lady: And hold for one! Two!
Tom: (Holding smile) Three! Four!
Aerobics Lady: Five! Now somersaults!
(Tom gets down on the ground and starts rolling)
Aerobics Lady: One! Two!
(Tom crashes into a table and knocks a vase over, breaking it)
Tom: Oops.
Aerobics Lady: Three! Four! Five! Good! Now tongue exercises! Touch your nose! One! Two!
(Tom desperately tries to make his tongue touch his nose, but only succeeds in spraining his tongue.)
Tom: Oww!
(B'Elanna enters)
B'Elanna: What was that crash I heard? (She sees Tom) Why are you wearing a pink leotard?
Tom: Muh tun gut hut.
B'Elanna: (Notices the vase and video) Oh no. You weren't doing that video, AGAIN!
Tom: I dink I nuvu et agan.
B'Elanna: What have I told you? Harry meant that as a JOKE. You don't have to actually do the stuff.
(Tom is sticking his tongue out and feeling it with his hand)
Tom: It'd nub!
B'Elanna: Go to the doctor.
Tom: But it'd be fine.
B'Elanna: (Growls) NOW!
(Tom leaves.)
{Scene change to Sickbay. The Doctor is doing Seven's checkup.}
Doctor: So...Seven. How've you been?
Seven: Great.
Doctor: (Prying) Any more romance?
Seven: Well...I have this mega-huge crush on Chakotay, but I'm afraid to pursue a relationship.
Doctor: You don't have to if you don't want to.
Seven: Oh. I want to.
Doctor: (Puts the medical doohickeys down) What about me?
Seven: What about you?
Doctor: I love you, Seven! And I'm much better than Chakotay!
Seven: You? With me? Yeah right. Ratings would drop.
Doctor: (Gets down on his knees) Tell me what to do. Anything, Seven!
Seven: (Standing up) Get some hair!
(Seven leaves)
(The Doctor slowly stands up)
Doctor: Hair...
(Tom enters, still in leotard)
Doctor: Mr. Paris...what an interesting outfit.
Tom: Doc, I hut muh tund.
Doctor: Huh?
Tom: I think I pud a muthle id muh tund.
Doctor: What's wrong with your voice?
Tom: Muh tund! Muh tund!
Doctor: You're what?
Tom: (Sighs)
Doctor: Well, now that you've finally shut up. I want your help with something.
Tom: Oddy if yuh fid muh tund.
Doctor: Whatever. I want hair.
Tom: Hur?
Doctor: Yes. I was thinking something...suave. Attractive. Something that won't blind people.
Tom: Fid muh tund.
Doctor: Now, I'm not an expert on styles. So I'll just let you choose...
Tom: FID MUH TUND!!
Doctor: I'm sure whatever you pick will be suitable.
Tom: (Ominous) Fine. Id gib yuh sub hur.
{Scene change to Janeway's ready room. She is playing on the little computer thingy. Harry walks in.}
Harry: You wanted to see me?
Janeway: Yes, Harry. Sit down. (She gives him a motherly smile)
Harry: (Looks nervous as he sits down) So...what did you want to talk about, Mom - I mean! - Captain.
Janeway: It's okay. We don't need to be formal here, Harry.
Harry: (Relaxes a bit) Okay, Mom.
Janeway: You've been a very good boy for seven years now. And, for the longest time, I've been wondering why you're still an ensign.
Harry: I have, too, actually.
Janeway: Really? What a coincidence! That's been bugging me for the past four years or so.
Harry: (Laughs nervously, noticing the box of pips on Janeway's desk)
Janeway: And then you know what I realized? You're still an ensign because I haven't promoted you! I forgot that I hand out the promotions! Isn't that funny! (She starts laughing and slapping the desk, shaking the box of pips.)
Harry: (Laughs along with her, eyeing the box)
(They both stop laughing after a couple minutes. Janeway wipes a tear from her eye)
Harry: So...you're going to promote me?
Janeway: Sure, sure. You just have to answer a riddle.
Harry: A riddle?
Janeway: Yeah. Something I do for entertainment. Let's see... (She looks up, searching her memory) Oh yes! I remember one I heard a while back. How does it go? Oh yeah.
You can find us in darkness but never in light.
We are present in daytime but absent at night.
In the deepest of shadows, We hide in plain sight.
What am I?
Harry: (Blinks a couple times) So...I HAVE to answer that to get the promotion?
Janeway: Yeah.
Harry: (Looks like he's about to cry) Um...I don't have to answer NOW, do I?
Janeway: Nah. You've waited this long. Go ahead and sleep on it.
Harry: (Stands up) Thank you.
(Harry leaves)
{Scene change to the Cargo Bay. Seven is regenerating. We get a close up on her face. The close up stays through the next few lines of dialogue}
(We hear someone enter the bay)
Doctor: Seven?
Seven: (Opens her eyes) Yes?
Doctor: I have hair.
Seven: (Shifts her eyes to the doctor. She starts to laugh, but then catches herself)
(Switch camera view to wider angle. We now see the Doctor. With hair. An Afro, to be specific.)
Seven: My it's...big.
Doctor: Do you like it?
Seven: (Gets an idea. A horrible idea. A cruel, horrible idea) I...love it. You are one step closer to perfection, Doctor. And only when you are perfect can I decide to go out with you.
Doctor: Well, what else do I have to do?
(Seven smiles)
{Scene change to bridge. The normal people are there.}
Harry: (To himself) It's in darkness...but not light. But then it says it's in daytime, which IS light, and it says it's NOT in night, but that's darkness...
Tuvok: Is there a problem, ensign?
Harry: Tuvok, did you have to answer a riddle when you got promoted?
Tuvok: Of course. Doesn't everybody?
Harry: What was the answer?
Tuvok: Ferrets
Harry: Ferrets?
Tuvok: Ferrets.
Harry: (Thinks to himself) Ferrets live in darkness, but not in light...that doesn't fit. (To Tuvok) You're stupid.
Tuvok: (Shrugs) Sorry.
(Harry's console beeps)
Harry: Captain! I'm picking up a ship.
Janeway: (Standing up) Finally! We get to face our enemies! Who are they?
Tuvok: The...Malon.
Janeway: (Makes a face) Malon?
Tuvok: (Shrugs)
Janeway: (To Chakotay) Malon?
Chakotay: (Thinks for a bit) They're the smelly ones, aren't they?
Harry: They're hailing us.
Janeway: Onscreen.
(A Malon appears on the viewscreen)
Janeway: Hey!! I'm Captain Janeway. Don't tell me that we're facing you guys for our final episode.
Malon: (Coughs a couple times) Yep!
Janeway: Well, that sucks.
Malon: We have a way to get you home.
Janeway: It isn't time travel, is it?
Malon: No...
Janeway: Thank goodness!
Malon: But...being the bad guys that we are...we aren't going to give it up without a fight.
Janeway: Hard fight or easy fight?
Malon: Hard.
Janeway: Crap.
Malon: Ha! Ha! Come and get us!
(The viewscreen shuts off)
Harry: Captain, the Malon ship is moving away!
Janeway: Follow them!
Tom: Ah, ah, sur.
{Switch to space view. We see Voyager speeding off after the evil Malon.}
{Switch back to bridge...some time later}
Harry: We are in front of a large....cloud.
Janeway: Well...what type of cloud?
Harry: (Examines the viewscreen) A kinda grayish cloud. Looks like there might be some dark blue, too.
Tuvok: We are being hailed.
Janeway: Onscreen!
(The Malon appears)
Malon: Come and get it! But you'll have to face your worst fear. Ha! Ha! Ha!
(The Malon disappears)
Janeway: What the heck was that about?
{Scene change to Astrometrics. Seven is there with Chakotay and Janeway}
Seven: It's called a "Krad Cloud". It is believed to hold electrical impulses that trigger a certain part of the brain, causing hallucinations.
Janeway: Can we shield against it?
Seven: Conveniently for the plot, no.
Janeway: Inside there is home...but is it worth it? We might go crazy. (She pauses) I'll need to think.
(Janeway leaves)
Seven: (To Chakotay) Hello, Commander.
Chakotay: Hi, Seven.
Seven: Would you like to join me for dinner tomorrow night?
Chakotay: Uh...I think I'm busy.
Seven: Really?
Chakotay: Yeah. Maybe some other time.
(He leaves)
{Scene change to the Mess Hall. Harry is sitting by himself.}
Harry: Okay, electric eels live in the dark. But I guess they can also be there when it's light. Plus, do they hide during nighttime?
(Tom enters and sits across from Harry)
Tom: Huh.
Harry: Hi, Tom. Doing that exercise video I gave you again?
Tom: Thut up.
Harry: Hey, did you have to answer a riddle when you got promoted?
Tom: (Nods)
Harry: What was your answer?
Tom: Deeze.
Harry: What?
Tom: Deeze.
Harry: Cheese?
Tom: (Nods)
Harry: (Thinks for a moment) That doesn't help me at all.
Tom: Thorry.
Harry: Darn it! I want to be promoted before we get home!
Tom: (Shrugs) Think tuh cuh hulp muh tund?
Harry: Well, what can I do about your tongue?
Tom: Tawk tuh thuh doctuh.
Harry: Oh. Okay.
{Scene change to Sickbay. The Doctor is there. Complete with Afro. Tom and Harry enters.}
Doctor: Yes, gentlemen?
Harry: Hey, Doc. Could you look at Tom's - My God what are those? (He points to the Doctor's pants)
Doctor: (Looks down) I believe Seven called them "bell-bottoms". I am one step closer to perfection. (He smiles)
Harry: They're horrible!
Doctor: Well, I must admit that I do trip over them a lot. But I think it's worth it to have the love of Seven.
Harry: Ugh! That's just hideous! Sorry, some fashions should NEVER be brought back! (Harry leaves)
Tom: (Yelling) Nuh!!! Wut!!!
Doctor: Is there a problem, Mr. Paris?
Tom: (Sticks out his tongue) Muh tund! Muh tund! Fid muh tund!
Doctor: (Sticks his tongue out) There! See how you like it! Now go away before I spit.
(Tom sighs and walks away)
Doctor: (Looks down at his pants and smiles) I rather like them.
{Scene change to Janeway's ready room. She is alone(Well, she has her coffee), staring out the window, pondering her decision. We can see the cloud outside, and she looks into it, knowing that the path home is in there. It's a very serious moment. In fact, it's probably the most serious moment in the entire episode. But...people don't read parodies for serious moments. So let's go somewhere else, shall we?}
{Scene change to Chakotay's quarters. Harry is in there with Chakotay. They are both sitting on the floor and Chakotay has his little animal guide machine thingy out.}
Harry: Are you sure this will work?
Chakotay: Of course it will! Now put your hand right there.
Harry: (Shrugs and puts his hand on the little machine thingy)
{Scene change to Harry's vision. Ooooo. Harry is in the middle of a farmer's field. He looks around.}
Harry: (To himself) Okay, Harry. First animal I see. First animal I see.
(He walks a bit, then stops.)
Harry: Uh...weird.
(Camera pulls out. In the middle of the field is a hippopotamus. Harry walks up to it.)
Harry: (Waves) Hi!
Hippo: (Snorts)
Harry: I have a riddle that I was wondering if you could help me with. Okay?
Hippo: (Snorts)
Harry:
You can find us in darkness but never in light.
We are present in daytime but absent at night.
In the deepest of shadows, We hide in plain sight.
What am I?
Hippo: (Starts to turn)
Harry: (Follows so he's face to face with it.) So? What do you think? I'm a little stuck.
Hippo: (Wiggles its ears)
Harry: I mean...I've thought of EVERYTHING and it doesn't make sense! I mean, the riddle is a contradiction!
Hippo: (Wiggles its ears again)
Harry: But I need to solve it so that I can get promoted!
Hippo: (Lets out a weird little shriek and charges at Harry, ramming him to the ground and them trampling on him)
Harry: AUUUGGHHH!! Chakotay!!!!!!!!!
{Scene change to Sickbay. Harry wakes up with a start. The Doctor comes over.}
Doctor: How are you feeling?
Harry: How did I get here?
Doctor: You had a seizure in Mr. Chakotay's quarters. He brought you here. May I ask what you were doing?
Harry: The hippo...it attacked me!
Doctor: Uh-huh. Okay then. Well, you're fine to go. Just get some rest.
(Harry stands up)
Harry: Okay...hey...you're taller than you used to be. (He looks down) Oh no...
(The Doctor smiles. We get a camera view of his feet. He's wearing 6 inch platform shoes....with fish in the heels)
Doctor: You like them?
Harry: Ugh!
(Harry leaves)
Doctor: (Smiles) One step closer to perfection!
{Scene change to the conference room. Everybody is in there.}
Janeway: In that cloud, is the way home.
Harry: We already know that.
Janeway: (Glares at him)
Harry: (Cowers)
Janeway: As I was saying...in that cloud is the way home. But it won't be easy to get to it. In fact, we may go insane.
Tuvok: Not that anybody would notice a difference.
Janeway: (Ignores him) But I don't feel it's my decision to make. You are my crew. Whatever you decide, goes.
Harry: (Clears throat, preparing for big speech) Captain, I believe I speak for EVERYONE when -
B'Elanna: (Interrupting) Wait! I want to do the speech!
Harry: But I'm the ensign!
B'Elanna: And I'm the pregnant woman, your point?
Tom: Muybuh I thood duh thuh thpuch.
Tuvok: I believe logic dictates that I should give the speech.
Chakotay: Well...I outrank all of you so...
Doctor: I think we can all agree that I am the best orator here. So I will give the speech.
Tuvok: That would be illogical. I will give the speech!
B'Elanna: No! Me!
(B'Elanna shoves Tuvok...and that starts it. Harry punches Chakotay in the stomach)
Harry: The speech is MINE!
(A fist fight breaks out in the conference room. It's hard to tell exactly what's going on. Only Janeway and Seven are not involved. Plus...nobody hits B'Elanna, despite the fact that she's beating everybody else up.)
Tuvok: Logic! Logic!
Doctor: I can talk better than you!
Tom: Huv murthy un thuh gu with uh hut tund!
B'Elanna: Dishonor upon you ALL!!
Chakotay: My animal guide said I could give the speech!
(Janeway and Seven give each other a knowing look, and both nod. Janeway then throws her coffee cup so coffee spills over the senior staff)
Senior Staff: Owww!
Doctor: Ha! Didn't hurt me! I get to make the speech!
B'Elanna: (Deactivates the Doctor's mobile emitter and nods)
Janeway: Okay, guys. We've had our fun. I'm guessing by your reactions that we all agree that going into the Krad Cloud is worth it, right?
Senior Staff: (Nods)
Janeway: Good. Let's do it!
(The Senior Staff files out. Seven stops Chakotay and they wait until everybody's gone)
Seven: Commander, would you like to join me for lunch?
Chakotay: (Looks nervous) Uh...actually...I have work to do. We are going into the cloud thingy and all.
Seven: (Puppy dog eyes) Please??
Chakotay: (Looks REALLY nervous) No. No. I just can't.
(He leaves)
Seven: What's wrong with me?
{Scene change to a corridor. Captain Janeway is walking down it...with a purpose. She reaches Sickbay and walks in...and sees the Doctor.}
Janeway: What on Earth??
Doctor: (Smiles) Ah! Captain! I see you're here for your innoculation. Now, this is experimental, and I'm not sure if it will help to withstand the effects of the Krad Cloud, but. -
Janeway: What are you wearing?
Doctor: Um...I just put sequins on my uniform. Is that a problem?
Janeway: Does that fit dress code?
Doctor: (Shrugs) I dunno.
Janeway: I don't either. It looks horrible. Can I make you take it off on that basis?
Doctor: Probably not. I've always thought your hair looks horrible, but I won't make you take it off.
Janeway: Oh. Well, that sounds fair.
Doctor: I thought it would.
Janeway: Then, give me my innoculation.
Doctor: Sure thing!
{Scene change to Harry's quarters. They're a mess. He's a mess.}
Harry: In darkness...but not light. Darn it! I'm the brightest officer in my field! I faced millions of tough obstacles! But I can't figure out this riddle! (He kicks the bulkhead) Darn you, Janeway!!! (He punches the glass window in his quarters...but it breaks.) Uh oh.
(Harry is sucked out of the room with a whooshing noise. 135 dollars and 83 cents was spent on that noise, you know. Aren't you impressed? No. I didn't think so. Next scene!)
{Scene change to bridge. Janeway hasn't come back from Sickbay yet and they're all waiting to enter the Krad Cloud.}
Tuvok: Commander, I'm detecting a hull breach somewhere. Something just exited the ship.
Chakotay: Onscreen!
(The viewscreen turns on to show Harry, waving his arms while floating in space)
Chakotay: Oh my gosh! It's Harry!
Tom: Hurry!
Chakotay: Beam him to Sickbay! Now!
(We see Harry disappear in that transporter affect. 53 dollars and 32 cents was spent on that effect. Are you impressed? Didn't think so.)
Chakotay: (Taps commbadge) B'Elanna, we need you to repair a hull breach. Suit up.
Tom: Wut! Shu's prugnut!
B'Elanna: (Over comm) I'm going.
Tom: But...
B'Elanna: (Over comm) Shut up, Tom! Nothing will keep me from the challenge.
Tom: Thun um gung, tuh.
Chakotay: Huh?
Tuvok: I believe he said that he's going, too.
Chakotay: (Shrugs) As long as SOMEBODY goes.
{Scene change to outside Voyager, in front of the hull breach. B'Elanna is in a specially-made, pregnant-woman spacesuit. Tom is out there, too. Also in a suit. This scene cost 647 dollars and 99 cents to make. How'd you like that?}
B'Elanna: (While repairing the breach) You know. You should really see the Doctor about that tongue.
Tom: (Sulks)
B'Elanna: I mean. It's hard to understand you when you talk like that.
Tom: (Sulks)
B'Elanna: Of course, I am upset that you feel the need to come out here with me. It's just a hull breach. I can handle it.
Tom: (Sulks)
B'Elanna: Aww...come here and give me a kiss!
(B'Elanna leans over to touch helmets with Tom. They do, but the impact sends Tom spinning head-over-heels into space.)
B'Elanna: TOM!!!
Tom: AUUGGHHH!!!
B'Elanna: (Touches commbadge) Guys! Beam Tom back in now!
{Scene change to bridge.}
Janeway: Why?
B'Elanna: (Over comm) Because he's spinning into the Krad Cloud!
Janeway: Harry.
Harry: Working on it.
(They wait for Harry to beam Tom in.)
(They wait some more.)
(And some more)
(And...well...some more)
Janeway: Harry?
Harry: Hey! It's hard! He's moving! Oh, almost got him...no. Missed. Lemme try again...
(Janeway folds her arms and rolls her eyes)
Harry: Darn! He's gone into the Krad Cloud. My transporters don't work in there.
Janeway: (Sad look) We've lost him.
{Scene change to the Krad Cloud. We see Tom, still flipping, traveling through it. He goes past a Malon ship.}
{Scene change to inside Malon ship.}
Malon #1: And then I said, "You stink!". And HE said, "So do you!"
(Malon #2 and Malon #3 laugh.)
(Then, we see Tom through the window, spinning past the ship.)
Malon #1: What was that?
(Malon #2 and Malon #3 shrug)
{Scene change back to Tom. He's approaching a small, wormhole like thing. In fact, it may BE a wormhole. Cool, right? He spins inside of it and...is gone!}
{Scene change to bridge}
Janeway: There's only one thing we can do.
Harry: Run away?
Janeway: Go in after him.
Harry: Darn!
Janeway: Tom, take us in.
(Everybody waits for a few minutes)
Janeway: Tom?
Tuvok: (Explaining) Tom. In cloud. No fly ship.
Janeway: Oh. Um...Chakotay, take the helm.
Chakotay: Me?
Harry: Him?
Janeway: You.
Chakotay: I always crash!
Janeway: Then hopefully you'll crash us into Tom. Go!
(Chakotay, scared, takes the helm.)
Chakotay: Okay. Going in.
Janeway: I wonder what our worst fear will be?
{Scene change to Sickbay. Seven and the Doctor are there.}
Seven: Doctor, you are almost perfect. Only one thing remains for you to do.
Doctor: What?
Seven: (Smiles)
{Scene change to bridge. Voyager has entered the Krad Cloud! Janeway sits, drumming her fingers.}
Janeway: I'm not scared, yet. You scared, Harry?
Harry: Hey, Captain. I have a riddle for you...
Janeway: Won't work.
Harry: Darn!
Tuvok: Our sensors are almost blind. We won't be able to tell if we hit a wormhole or a Malon ship. And we certainly won't find Tom.
Janeway: (Yawns) I'm going to my Ready Room.
(Janeway leaves)
(There is some silence. Then the shipwide intercomm flips on. It fizzles a bit. Everybody freezes)
Voice: (Over comm) Hello, Voyager cast and crew. How are you doing today?
Chakotay: My animal guide says I'm just fine.
Harry: Hey. Want to help me with my riddle?
Tuvok: Logical, as always.
Voice: (Over comm) Good. We have a very important press release that went public 5 minutes ago. Braga has decided to fire every crewmember EXCEPT Seven of Nine.
Everybody: (Jaws drop)
Voice: (Over comm) In fact, the producers are so disgusted with the rest of you, that they're just going to kick you out onto the street. You will be a shame to Trek, and will NEVER GO TO CONVENTIONS. You will wind up as a street performer because no other respectable agency would hire you. I hope you all can play the violin. Otherwise you'll be forced to dance for money.
Harry: (Starts to cry)
Voice: (Over comm) That being said, the name of this show is now changed to Star Trek: Seven of Nine. All Seven. All the time. Please, feel free to escort yourself out of the nearest airlock. Have a good day.
Harry: (Running towards the doors) I'm not worthy!!!
Chakotay: (Is also crying. He runs after Harry) Harry! Wait!
Tuvok: It's so logical. It must be true. Wait up, guys. I'm going, too. (Tuvok leaves)
(We see the empty bridge for a couple minutes. Then Janeway walks out of her Ready Room, visibly shaken. She grips onto the rail.)
Janeway: No use. It's no use. I spend 7 years trying my hardest as the captain. (Starts to get angry) And then this Borgified blonde bimbo walks in and steals it away! In the final episode, even! No! It can't be! The line must be drawn HERE! (She slaps the rail hard, causing it to bend) I'll take care of Seven.
(Janeway opens her secret compartment which holds her prized rifle. She hefts it onto her shoulder.)
Janeway: (Ominous) Star Trek: Seven will be canceled.
{Scene change to airlock. People are lined up, waiting to jump out.}
Doctor: Now, we're just waiting for the clamps to unrust. It won't be long now.
Unnamed Crewmember: (Crying) Good!
(Seven is off to the side, smiling smugly. Harry is bawling like a baby. Chakotay walks up to him.)
Chakotay: Do you need a hug?
Harry: (Tries to say something, but starts crying again. He hugs Chakotay)
(Seven looks like she's about to punch Harry, but stops. Instead...she waits)
(Janeway walks in...sees her crew preparing to make the final leap...and gets even more angry)
Janeway: (Yelling) Seven!!
(Everybody turns towards their captain.)
Seven: Yes, Captain?
Janeway: (Walks over to Seven, gun ready) You. Cannot. Take. My. Ship.
Seven: (Raises an eyebrow) I never planned to.
Janeway: You lie! (She throws down the gun and puts her fists up) Come on! You and me! Winner takes all.
Seven: Obviously, you heard the message.
Janeway: Of course I did!
Seven: It isn't true.
Janeway: What?
Seven: I just saw Brannon in the hallway. He denied it all. It must have been a trap set by the Krad Cloud.
Janeway: (Puts her fists down) And you were going to let my crew jump out of an airlock?
Seven: (Shrugs) Why not?
Janeway: (Turning to her crew) Okay guys! Back to work! The show is NOT being taken over by Seven. (To Chakotay) So that was what the Malon meant by "our worst fear". I had no idea...
Chakotay: It was pretty scary.
Janeway: But now that that's out of the way, we can kick Malon hiney, find Tom, and go home.
Chakotay: Sounds good!
{Scene change to Bridge. All the main people have just arrived}
Harry: We're being hailed.
Janeway: Onscreen!
(The Malon appears)
Malon: So you've outwitted the Krad Cloud! Well, you still won't get to the wormhole! Nyah! Nyah!
Janeway: Nah...we're looking for one of our crew first.
Malon: A guy in a spacesuit? He just went into the wormhole a while ago. Oh drat! I wasn't supposed to tell you.
Janeway: So he's already at Earth?
Malon: Forget I just said that!
Janeway: So all we have to do is beat you guys up?
Malon: Never said it! Never said it!
Janeway: Cool!
{Scene change to Sickbay. B'Elanna's in there with the Doctor and Seven. It's time for B'Elanna's baby to be born!}
B'Elanna: (Obviously in great pain) Darn that Tom! He should be here, not floating around through space!
Seven: Doctor, remember...perfection.
Doctor: I know. (He turns to B'Elanna)
(A bang of music starts and the lights in Sickbay go down low. A disco ball appears, throwing colored dots everywhere. The Doctor strikes a classic disco pose...and then...he sings. Song sung to tune of "Shake Your Booty")
B'Elanna, let's have that baby!
No false labors and no more maybes!
B'Elanna: (Looking really scared) My God, no...
Doctor: (Music picks up and the Doctor starts dancing)
Push push push, push push push,
Push that baby! Push that baby!
Oh, push push push, push push push,
Push that baby! Push that baby!
(B'Elanna screams...partially from labor...partially from the song)
Doctor:
You can do it. You're a Klingon.
Despite that, I hope you'll be a good mom.
It's almost time now. (The Doctor gets in position to deliver the baby)
Push push push, push push push,
Push that baby! Push that baby!
Push push push, push push push,
Push that baby! Push that baby!
B'Elanna: Make it STOP!!!!!!
Doctor:
Push push, push push!
Push push push, push push push,
Push push, push push!
Push that baby! Push that baby!
Oh, push push push, push push push,
Push that baby! Push that baby!
(And it's over. The song, that is. Oh, and B'Elanna's labor)
Doctor: Congratulations. You have a beautiful baby girl. (He hands it to B'Elanna who snatches it away)
B'Elanna: Never talk to me again.
Doctor: (Turns to Seven) Well?
Seven: I will tell you tomorrow whether you are perfect or not.
(Seven leaves)
Doctor: (Hopeful) Tomorrow.
{Scene change to bridge. There's a battle going on between our brave heroes and the Malon!}
Tuvok: Direct hit to their weapons system!
Janeway: Ha! Take THAT you smelly aliens!
Harry: Captain, I'm detecting a wormhole.
Janeway: Go! Go to it! Now!
Chakotay: Gotcha!
{Scene change to the Krad Cloud. We see Voyager speeding towards the wormhole with the Malon trying to catch up. But it isn't fast enough and Voyager goes through the wormhole.}
{Scene change back to bridge}
Chakotay: We're through!
Janeway: Onscreen! Let me see Earth!
(The viewscreen is turned on and a picture of Earth in all its glory appears)
Harry: Ooo...pretty.
Tuvok: Captain, I'm detecting a new satellite orbiting Earth.
Janeway: A new one?
Tuvok: Well..it wasn't there when we left.
Janeway: What is it?
Tuvok: Tom.
(Silence for a moment)
Janeway: Oh. Beam him back. And hail Starfleet. Tell them that we're home!
{Wrap up time, folks! Scene change Janeway's Ready Room. She is in there, drinking coffee. Harry enters.}
Harry: Captain...
Janeway: Oh, yes, Harry?
Harry: I...couldn't figure out the riddle.
Janeway: Really?
Harry: Yes! I tried EVERYTHING...but...couldn't. I guess I won't get promoted.
Janeway: Wow. That's a shame. I was wondering what the answer was, myself.
Harry: What?
Janeway: Well...I thought you'd be able to tell me the answer. Anyway. You're dismissed. Go home to your family.
(Harry gets mad. Very mad.)
Harry: (Pointing behind Janeway) Look over there!
(Janeway turns her head and Harry steals a pip from the box sitting on her desk. When she turns back around, she doesn't notice anything.)
Janeway: What?
Harry: (Smiling) Nothing. Thought I saw something.
Janeway: Oh. Okay. Dismissed.
(Harry leaves...putting a new pip on his collar.)
{Scene change to Sickbay. Tom is there with B'Elanna and their baby.}
B'Elanna: Isn't she beautiful?
Tom: Yes, she is.
B'Elanna: Hey! You can talk normally!
Tom: Yeah. Funny thing. I hit the moon while coming out of the wormhole and banged my head, causing my tongue to get better. But I bounced so I ended up in orbit around Earth.
B'Elanna: Cool. Now what are we going to do?
Tom: What do you mean?
B'Elanna: Well...I was a Maquis. Aren't they going to make us stand trial or something? And what about the Equinox crew that we've had stashed away for a couple years now?
Tom: Eh...don't think about it too hard. That's what fanfiction is for.
B'Elanna: Okay, then.
{Scene change to Seven's cargo bay. Seven is there...waiting for Chakotay to enter. He does}
Seven: Commander. I have something for you. (She shows him a dozen roses she had been hiding behind her back) Maybe you could give me a tour of Earth.
Chakotay: Seven...um...I'm flattered. But you're not Harry.
Seven: What?
Chakotay: I like Harry, not you.
Seven: (Disbelieving) What??
Chakotay: In fact, we're going out to eat tonight. On Earth. He just got promoted.
Seven: (Still disbelieving) WHAT???
Chakotay: I said he just got promoted. Anyway. See ya' round.
(Chakotay leaves.)
{Scene change to the Doctor's office in Sickbay. Seven enters.}
Seven: Doctor?
Doctor: Yes, Seven?
Seven: I was wondering if you would like to join me for dinner tonight?
Doctor: (Excited) Of course I would!
Seven: But first...get rid of the disco crap.
{Scene change to Janeway's Ready Room. She is in there with Tuvok...sharing some last moments. No, not naughty.}
Janeway: We made it home, Tuvok.
Tuvok: I can see that.
Janeway: Seven years. But we did it.
Tuvok: Do you just like stating the obvious or what?
Janeway: (Ignoring him) We had fun, didn't we?
Tuvok: (Yawns)
Janeway: (Finally gets mad) What's wrong with you? I'm trying to have a serious, introspective moment here!
Tuvok: Hey, I want to get home to the wife and kids!
Janeway: Oh. Okay, then leave.
(Tuvok leaves)
Janeway: (Sighs) I'm home.
AN Cont'd: Just a useless-fact -- To write Tom's speaking parts during the parody, I put a clothespin on my tongue and read his lines. Incidentally, clothespins really hurt tongues, so I would not recommend doing that. In fact, after finishing the parody, my tongue was so hurt that I ended up talking like Tom for about a day afterwards. Yeah, no fun, but work was interesting.
Oh, also, the answer to Harry's riddle was the letter "D". No. I didn't make it up. And, no, I have no clue what Tom's and Tuvok's riddles were. I wish.