A/N: Written as a Trick or Treat 2017 exchange gift for miaoujones.
Back against the tree, Subaru's head hung against his chest. The lantern light shone in dapples through the millions of cherry blossoms above him. The petals drifted and floated down from the extravagantly crafted branches; those branches full with ready-to-burst petals should a strong enough wind pass. The petals that broke free in the tree's normal rhythm flew in their own sensational way— so softly, majestically, and gracefully. The petals' sound echoed like a whimsical lullaby to the wind's symphony.
It was peaceful. It was nerve wrecking. The trees thirsted for blood, yet he didn't feel malicious intent from the trees around him or restless spirits. Just happiness and cheer. All he could feel in his own bones was the lassitude from trying to keep himself mostly closed off and reserved.
The night time was prominently death and hopelessness. No one heard the screams. The Sakurazukamori was active, and Subaru only had to count on his fingers and, based on publicized death records, count the pattern.
Not many were publicized. The dates mattered, though.
Here, he wasn't isolated at night. Happiness was still an emotion far, far away, like the last wink of golden sunset.
Being here was a mistake. Of course it was a mistake every year. In memory, he would trek the short distance to Ueno Park to see the cherry blossoms in their full glory. To remember. To remind himself to forget their meaning. He hated the blossoms. He loved the blossoms. He would never forget about them for as long as he lived, and he didn't ever want to be separated from them. But he did.
Families sat under blossoming cherry blossoms nearby. Salarymen hurried and picked up their briefcases and dashed to the train station first. Most stayed and chatted, sharing good and bad stories about the previous year and the adventures they hoped to have. Flower viewing wasn't filled with resolutions and hopeful wishes like New Years, but the general consensus was springtime gave everyone that viewed the cherry blossomed a fresh start.
A new slate would give him ample opportunity to patch the mistakes he had made, rectify his oversights. But cherry blossoms were not magical on their own. The magical ones he knew of only brought death and misfortune.
A shadow loomed above him and blocked out the lantern light. Subaru had a feeling because of the familiar black tenchcoat swishing in front of his eyes and the black dress shoes that stepped too close in his personal space. Yes, he may be sick, hysterical, or any number of emotions. He did not want to give him the satisfaction that he found his presence noticeable, but he absolutely did anyway, so he looked up the smallest amount without moving too much.
Seishirou watched him carefully. Under his arm, a cheap straw mat peeked out from the side of the pink bag he carried. In his opposite hand he held a heavy basket.
"Good evening, Subaru-kun. Are you sitting here alone?"
His dark-tinted sunglasses fell down the bridge of his nose and glinted in the dim light. Removing the sunglasses with the hand holding the basket, he pocketed them in a side pocket, exposing his healthy amber eye and the glass one. The amber eye latched onto Subaru and didn't lessen up its strict intensity. The sunglasses were still new to Subaru. Were they a replacement for regular glasses? Did he need regular glasses, or did he wear them at night, as he had been? So, what was the point of drawing them out of his sight? However, the question went unmentioned. Subaru didn't mind. Like this, he could see the eye and reminisce.
Subaru didn't respond. He didn't have to respond. If he kept the words locked up in his heart and didn't unearth the key, he might get bored of Subaru's lack of bite and vanish on his own accord. Seishirou had done it before. Doing it again would be in-character. That was the only way he could deal with it. Opening his mouth invited him in. Subaru didn't want to admit he desperately wanted to speak. Envisioning Seishirou talking or sharing a meal with him (no matter how mundane such an act would be to anyone else) wasn't anything new to Subaru. Nonetheless, he was hyperaware this was not one of his daydreams.
Seishirou smiled. He stepped closer on the sea of pink petals and dropped his bag and basket on the grass with soft rustles. With that resistence to leave, he made himself at home. "If you don't mind, then, I'll join you. With so many people enjoying the night, it must be lonely."
Bristling, Subaru crossed his arms tighter across his chest. He didn't make a move to accept or deny the allegation. But he wasn't wrong. Subaru wished he didn't know his thoughts. Denying it would be a waste of breath. Here, years after the bet, he was in tune with his innermost thoughts in a distinct way he certainly did not appreciate.
"As for myself," Seishirou told him, "I wanted to eat outside for a change of pace. Nothing is finer than sweets and tea while watching nature at its finest. I must pay the cherry blossoms their respects. But I don't need to tell you."
"Why are you telling me?" Subaru asked. He spoke without thinking and instantly regretted it. His voice held a hint of warning, but he allowed a bit of curiosity, too.
Seishirou's expression turned pleased and relaxed at this. He had finally cracked the shell of Subaru's apprehension. Meanwhile, Subaru anticipated whatever he would say.
"Blossoms are exquisite when they first bloom, and it is only important to remind you that you should live in the moment. Enjoy what you're missing right now in this park," he told him. "I enjoy hearing Subaru-kun's gentle voice. It's refreshing to the ear. How long has it been? How many years?" Mischievously, Seishirou smirked, ignoring the knife he was deliberately twisting into Subaru's heart.
Too many years had elapsed. Time stood still for no one, and Subaru wasn't the same meekly spoken sixteen-year-old. Now, he had hardened a bit like a well-polished rock buffeted in the desert, rough around the edges.
To think, Seishirou was lecturing him about happiness.
Subaru scooted away until he was no longer facing his trespasser. "Flattery doesn't work on me like your precious cherry blossoms, Seishirou-san," he replied, deadpan.
Seishirou set to work on without offering that approval or not. He removed the straw mat from the bag and set it above the blanket of cherry blossoms covering the twigs and grey rocks under his feet. Slipping off his shoes he knelt on the mat. He placed the basket next to him and shifted through it to check the basket's contents.
Subaru found a bento box in his lap before he realized it. He stared down at the white lid, perplexed, wondering what on earth Seishirou would make for a picnic. Was Seishirou serious about spending time together?
Quizzically, Subaru didn't touch it immediately. It was heavy. He had intentionally ambushed him after all…
"Don't they say 'food is the way to a man's heart'?"
"That's your stomach," Subaru corrected crisply. The Sakurazukamori was the big eater between them, and he likely had test tasted many delectable foods for himself.
It was too late to turn back.
He wanted to stop talking, but he had been reeled in.
"Yes, you have me cornered there. Can you blame me?" Seishirou pulled off the lid from another bento box. He started to line up the small arrangement of foods. Next, he set out chopsticks, small plates, and cups. "What more can you ask for to unwind?" Subaru remained the opposite of "unwound." Wrapped up in himself, he radiated a stoic, inquisitive form, eyes still glued to the box although he had done nothing with it. "Would you like help, Subaru-kun?"
No, Subaru did not want to lend him a hand. He heard the underlying message: Get into the spirit of things, Subaru-kun. Clamping his mouth shut hadn't helped him, though, and Subaru was growing invested in his hospitality.
Sighing, Seishirou reached out and gently grabbed Subaru's elbows. He uncrossed his arms and placed his hands on the bento box. The pentagrams on the back of Subaru's hands glowed briefly, as briefly as a summer firefly, before the anger melted away. Pushing him away was his right, and he had no reason not to. But he had felt those soft, calloused hands for himself, the hands that bordered on the precipice of addiction and nightmare.
Seishirou guided Subaru's hands to the straw mat and helped him place the bento box there. Altogether, five small boxes of treats sat next to each other. Subaru's hands burned and throbbed when he released him, but Subaru didn't hide away this time. He just frowned.
"I am not here to be your enemy," he assured Subaru. His face didn't reveal any further hints about his true motives, if he had any. He took off the lid to Subaru's bento and leafy vegetables and sushi meant Subaru's eyes. "It's the year of destiny. We have any day to battle and argue and spellcast. We could be dead before the end of the year, so I am not especially interested in death tonight."
Subaru bet he wasn't. He would kill him in a heartbeat.
The cherry blossoms were death… he was surrounded by death everywhere he went, yet he never left this world…
The rest of the bento boxes held all kinds of accessible types of finger food from shrimp, strawberries, thick sushi rolls brimming with vegetables, omelets… Subaru didn't know what had possessed him to make that much food for the two of them. Seishirou would have to eat all of it. He never had hunger pangs and he should be aware that.
Seishirou left one box unopened. Mildly, Subaru wondered what it contained. It had a dash of powder on the top.
"Here."
Warmth washed through his fingers, and he wrapped his fingers around a circular cup on instinct. Seshirou patted it down and made him hold it. The pentagrams on the back of his hand burned, but the feeling was more a tingle—was it the pentagram this time?—and Seishirou let him handle it. Subaru stared into his reflection in the cup, the brown broth reflected his face in the pink lantern light.
"You've been out here all day," Seishirou observed, as if he did know and didn't bundled into one assessment. Subaru didn't know when he would stop playing coy. "Drink. Miso always makes you warmer, doesn't it? You'll catch cold if you don't warm yourself up, you know?"
Now that he mentioned it, Subaru shivered. He was not resistant to the chill winds that swept through the canopies and froze him to the bones. Usually, he was on the move from one place to the next, on this train or that or in a station of breathing people that had warmth and vitality he would never feel again. It was worse after hours of staying rooted to the one spot and thinking deeply about… well… the very same person in front of him. A white trenchcoat and thin black shirt added worse to that recipe.
Seishirou's attention left Subaru, and he returned to a cup of miso soup of his own and downing it in effortless sips.
Subaru broke down. He lifted the cup to his lips and drank. Heat slithered down his throat and stomach and branched out to the rest of his body in waves. He wasn't happy, but he was… a little less restless, a little less obstinate.
Before he realized it, his shoes were neartly tossed off to the side and he was kneeling on the straw mat across from Seishirou. Although, he refused to look at him. He stared at the food, suddenly not knowing what he was getting himself into by playing into the Sakurazukamori's hands, feeling like the setup was deserved but ominous.
Was he playing with him, or did he want to be here?
Seishirou clapped his hands. That grin killed puppies but Subaru felt like he belonged there with Seishirou for the slightest bit. And yet, he didn't care about consequences.
"Finally, I was getting lonely. Now we can eat in peace. Thanks for the food." The satisfaction is his voice was palpable yet unconcerned. Seishirou put his cup on the mat. A lone petal dropped in his cup and glided on the surface, and he glanced upwards at the swirling petals. "Beautiful, isn't it? We haven't seen a viewing for ages." He chipped at an overweight sushi roll with his chopsticks. Then, a flicker went across the lines under his good eye. "Wasn't the last time we were here together with Hokuto-chan? Nineteen ninety-one's spring was a quite lovely."
Subaru tensed. He foresaw it coming, but he just couldn't get over it. This was the sentiment that Seishirou expected might ruffle Subaru's feathers the most. Based on the off-hand bounce to his tone, Seishirou's aim was not to share recollections about her memory; Seishirou was digging into his heart with a shovel to get a rise out of him. He was digging too deep, stabbing the sensitive reproach and dread there, hitting it like a diamond in the Earth's core.
But Subaru did not have any desire to play that old game, and, quite frankly, he didn't know what Seishirou found so amusing. Hearing him say her name was all he could do sometimes. Not now. Imagining her sacrifice to the cherry blossoms set the mood. Yet he wasn't here for Hokuto.
And he thanked himself for his earlier caginess, because he was empowered in a way he didn't know he had. Ueno Park was Seishirou's playing field. Cherry blossoms were his forte. All the same, Subaru had his own methods.
Subaru swiped up his pair of chopsticks. Clicking them, he snatched up a chopped up strawberry and popped it into his mouth, chewing on it firmly and steadily. He locked eyes with the man across from him. His eyes burned, but the sweet strawberry juice refreshed his mind and body. The sting of fresh fruit was like salve to the soul.
Seishirou paused. It was one of those rare moments the mask slipped. This wasn't something Subaru was able to do often; Seishirou's power was raw dark and force and generations of blood and Subaru didn't care about anyone or anything. A flicker of surprise passed, and he relaxed.
"I didn't realize you were that hungry," Seishirou commented to himself, wondering, examining.
The following moments were companionable. Neither one of them said anything, nor did Subaru wish to say anything. He dropped little bits and pieces of shrimp and lettuce on his plate. Subaru found a little bit of his evasive hunger, but after that show, he had to keep up the appearance that he had nothing else to lose. However, it indeed was taxing. Watching Seishirou was all he could ever need, and his downfall. He was in Seishirou's company. It was surreal, nostalgic, nightmare fuel, outrageous… But the best thing that happened to him since Seishirou had left him. Would it be better than the bloody death he would give him?
When would that death be? Will it come soon?
"—you come here every year."
Subaru blinked, and mumbled an unintelligible, "What?"
Nodding, Seishirou gestured to the tree behind Subaru. "Well, don't you? You come here every year on April 1st? You sit under this tree for the entire day and think."
Subaru couldn't tell whether Seishirou was yanking on his chain or if he desired to see him concerned. Most likely, he hoped for concerned about his behind-the-scenes activities. Seishirou watched him enough to know his haunts, but Subaru found his tricks old and fresh and needed to know more about what he really thought. After all, this wasn't the first bit of evidence Seishirou stalked him but never actually interfered with his daily life.
Subaru wished for him to interfere and did not force him to search high places for his silhouette in the moonlight
"I don't come here, Seishirou-san." There was no good reason but I miss you. Seishirou had him pegged. He didn't have a stock answer to this. Knowing that as a fact, he crumbled undone under Seishirou's hard gaze. Guilty, Subaru looked down at his near-bear plate, tossing the untouched lettuce under the poked-at shrimp.
Seishirou hummed to himself thoughtfully.
"My birthday!" Seishirou boomed, causing Subaru to jump slightly. He chuckled. "I'm so happy you remember!"
Birthday? Yes, today was Seishirou's birthday.
Once, a fortune teller had told them their matchability. Seishirou had explained April 1st was his birthday. Subaru had kept that day marked to his calendar as soon as he bought one and even closer to his heart. From when the cherry blossoms usually became abloom from March 15th to April 9th in Ueno Park, it was a natural fit in between for Subaru to celebrate. Whether the birthday was the truth after Seishirou's deception—it should be been, he never hid his real name—Subaru had never put serious question to it. Honestly, he had just never cared. It just… was. It was Seishirou's birthday. A day he was thankful for.
Subaru nodded, movement clipped. If he had known Seishirou would come, he may have gotten a gift. But what could he buy someone who had everything and didn't even need love to make themselves happy?
Seishirou looked pleased on the outside, but Subaru noticed a quirk of his mouth. It was gone before he could register it completely. He probably considered why Subaru would care about his sister's murder's birthday. Who was he to judge, approaching him like this in the first place?
He was cheerful about this whole thing. Too cheerful for the manipulative man under the farce he showed. Perhaps he was just happy about his birthday. Subaru didn't really know. He didn't know the truth about many things, and he realized this for about the tenth time since Seishirou had started this picnic an hour ago. Subaru couldn't muster the strength to be angry; he simply had to go with the flow.
"For Subaru-kun to go to all that trouble… Well then! Because of that, and the fact you bothered to care at all," Seishirou said proudly, reaching for the last bento box he had not opened, "I saved the very best for last."
For dramatic flair he slowly reached for the unopened box lid. He watched Subaru, hoping for suspense, getting it in the way Subaru humored him and clenched his fists.
Inside the box rested a few green, white, and pink dango.
Seishirou grabbed one and held it out to Subaru. Directing the bamboo skewer, he put it in front of Subaru's face. His good eye flash mischief, and the glass one glinted. "As my happy birthday present, I want to feed Subaru-kun!"
If Subaru had been still cold, he wasn't now, especially his cheeks. It was his first reaction, because it wasn't what he expected. "Seishirou-san," he said as a warning, voice even as possible. It wasn't even. His voice wavered.
"Please?"
Seishirou's plea sent him over the edge. He glanced side to side. No one would care anyway, but somebody had to tell him this was the worst trick of them all. Yet he couldn't refuse that heart melting smile. The way he closed his eyes and tilted his head was too much. Even if he was doing this to build fake trust and hope… he would…
Hesitating, he opened his mouth, Seishirou watching him closely the whole time. His younger self would have blushed and put up his hands in protest. In fact, he had to be blushing; the pink glow of the surrounding cherry blossoms hid the dusty color aflame on his cheeks. If Seishirou noticed it he didn't tease him on that front.
Subaru bit off the pink dango on the bottom and hurriedly chewed. He didn't look at Seishirou's face. He had done this to himself. That didn't make it less embarrassing.
Seishirou chuckled at how easy that must have been. Subaru glared at him. He could have felt humiliated and exposed. He could have been angry. But he wasn't. He didn't have the energy for that. He was too focused.
Cherry blossoms had fallen on Seishirou's head and his shoulders while they ate. The fierceness in his eyes softened, and he watched the way Seishirou ate the last two dango. He didn't think about the implication of an "indirect kiss" he was going on about to get extra brownie points out of him. He was mesmorized by the way the cherry blossoms clung to his shirt, hanging on, not quite like the shimmering and translucent cherry blossoms that plagued his illusions. It was much more than that.
… beautiful… he had said…
Subaru brushed the cherry blossoms off of his shoulders, letting the cherry blossoms scatter in the wind once again. He did this without realizing he did it at first. His palm scraped against his dark trenchcoat and the collar of the stark suit underneath. It wasn't until he reached for Seishirou's head that the reality of it hit him tine gut. His hand hovered above Seishirou's black hair, fingertips pressing lightly to the cherry blossoms there. Those blossoms, too, met the wind and were swept away.
Seishirou's was instantly perplexed. Twice, he had made him drop the mask tonight. But this time it didn't disappear right away, because he hadn't expected that move.
When he noticed his lack of reception, he shrugged without comment. "Subaru-kun is very adorable."
Seishirou cupped his wrist in his hand. He allowed him to pull him up to a standing position. Wearily, he watched him round the straw mat. This was the closest he had come to him all night. In the shadows of the dark, looked as menacing and kind as he did years ago, but Subaru wondered if he was only one who would see it.
Raising his hand, he put Subaru's hand in the path of milling cherry blossoms from the tree that had sheltered them for the night. The velvety, thin wisps skimmed his palm, tickling his skin. It was nice. The petal was light and faintly smelled of cherry. Subaru was too enamored with how close Seishirou was to pay attention to the petals. It was the contentness with which he helped bring the petals down to their level. From here, Subaru smelled his cologne, as well as the rice and greens and sugar.
Seishirou cupped his hand around the petals
"The truth is," Seishirou told him, face void of emotion or meaning, "cherry blossoms are ethereal and fleeting. It is easy to want to grasp them. When you do, they are gone. Ephemeral to a fault. They die and leave as quickly as they come into your life. But they have beautiful, short lives. Nothing in life stays the way it is forever. Even now, your hand is crushing them, bruising their beauty."
Earlier, he had said something. Subaru thought back. He had mentally scoffed at the dig about "enjoying life in the moment." He hadn't enjoyed life for years, or much of the conversation—he had been worried about the time that he had to figure out what Seishirou may have in store. He had been worrying that he would leave and never come back or he would die and Subaru wouldn't die himself.
Crushing these petals with such a gentle touch…
Subaru opened his hands, and he dropped the pastel petals, watching them spiral and flutter. The petals were lost in a another cloud of petals that mixed with them from a wind gust. Light shone through the group of petals while they weaved their way between each other and danced. They elegantly ornamented the cherry blossoms on the ground once they returned to which they had come. He didn't know when they died, but they always found their way back next year. If there would be a next year.
Seishirou may be reminding him of destiny. Subaru didn't care about destiny, because this was the only destiny.
"You showed me how the petals fall," Subaru told him. The point he was making may be beyond his capacity for caring. He couldn't live in the moment, because he lived exclusively in the past. However, if Seishirou willingly let him stay this close, how could he deny it? "I don't care about anything else. Even if that beauty crumbles."
Seishirou's eyes darkened. Subaru couldn't tell what that meant, but he meant it. It didn't matter how cryptic it sounded. It didn't matter that he may seem weak, because Seishirou knew he was. Let the whole world fall to ash as long as he had this moment, or cling onto it forever.
Wandering back towards the tree, Seishirou pulled Subaru by the hands. Soon, Subaru was covered with the red blanket Seishirou had stored in his bag; apparently, he had thought far ahead, considering there had been no guarantee Subaru would do this in the first place.
Seishirou lit a cigarette and put it to his lips. He breathed out a wreath of smoke. The grey smoke blended in with the shadows and petals and pink lantern light. Subaru, narrowed his eyes. Seishirou was avoiding the last step, and he was not going to get away with pretending that he didn't notice. He pulled the blanket across the Seishirou's legs, too, bridging the gap and sccoting up against his side. This time he didn't care to see Seishirou's expression. He rested his cheek in the crook of Seishirou's neck, sighing.
It was peaceful. Never perfect. Indeed, as it should be.
"Now what do you think, Subaru-kun?"
Half-lidded, Subaru watched the cherry blossoms fall and dot their food containers and lightly coat their blanket. It could mean something, or nothing. He heard raucous laughter from the people nearby them singing and the sound of the cherry blossoms swaying in the wind. The lanterns added a comforting reminder of all that was there in the park. It wasn't all good and it wasn't all bad.
Everything was cold and lifeless back at his apartment but he was in tune with the changing season. He would never be in tune with Seishirou. That didn't matter as much, he guessed. As long as he could be like this. Coming out here had been to reminisce and grieve in the first place.
But as for what he thought. He knew that answer.
"I don't mind it."
The cherry blossoms continued to glitter under the lantern light, frolicking and dancing to their own beat. Subaru closed his eyes. Hoping he would stay might be too much to ask for. Staying and breaking his heart every day and smiling at him might be too much to ask for. Either way, nothing would be the same. Like this, he relaxed, and Subaru tried not to think about the consequences. The cherry blossoms had first fallen for him on that fateful day. For today, he was untroubled for the first time since.