I didn't know what love is, until I met her. Sure, I slept with many women. And I've been in a relationship with one. But it wasn't real. My love for her wasn't real. It seemed real while we were together. I've been convinced that it was real for 145 years. And then I met Elena. At the time I was still sure that I'm in love with Katherine, but I started to feel something different. Something I didn't know. Something I couldn't name. So I denied it for few months. I denied it when everyone said "You love her"; I denied it when even she was sure that I love her. And then Katherine came back.
"I've never loved you," She said. "It was always Stefan."
Drinking was my instant solution. But then I found myself in the morning after hungover, without any memory from last night except few glimpses of me killing Jeremy and me forcing Elena to kiss me. But worse than my memory loss or my hangover, the most irritating thing I left with from that night, was the fact that I failed Elena. She hated me, and I hated myself. I could drink because of it, drink everything away, but I also could become a better man. A man that Elena could forgive. So I tried to change. I didn't kill for a while, didn't feed on humans. Only blood bags from the hospital. And as I changed, the unknown feeling, that was more powerful than everything I have ever felt in the 171 years of my existence, was growing inside me. And as it grew, I could name it. I could admit it. I embraced it, although I had nothing to do about it.
"I love you, Elena." I said. I said it for myself more than I said it for her. I knew that it would be painful for her if I admit it. She knew that I love her, but it wasn't real for her until I said it. And then it was unreal for her, again. She forgot, and everything was the same as it was before I said those words. For her. But I changed. I finally knew that I love her. I knew what love feels like.
With Katherine, I could do anything to be with her. I wanted her to be mine and mine only. With Elena, I can do anything to keep her save. I can do anything to make her happy.
I can look from the side, watching her kissing, hugging, whispering to Stefan.
I watch her constantly saying "I love Stefan", but I don't care.
Of course, I want her to love me. I want to kiss her, to hug her, to let her know that I love her, although she already knows.
But I do anything but promising her to keep her save, to save Stefan and be there for her, no matter what.
Because I know it's the only way I can make her happy.
And that's how I know what love is.
I used to think that love means wanting the person you love to be with you.
Now I know that it means to want the person you love to be safe. To be happy.
And at this moment, I was lucky enough to be the person to make her happy.
I was lucky enough to be her shoulder to lean on, her rock, the most stable thing in her falling-apart world.
I love Stefan.
I've loved Stefan since the day at school, when I only saw his back.
And then I found more about him. It took me few days to adapt to what he is, but I loved him anyway. The fact that he's a vampire doesn't bother me. The fact that he and his brother were in love with the same girl 145 years ago doesn't bother me. So as the fact that that girl is a dead ringer to me.
I love him anyway, because our love is stronger than everything that he is or was.
And then he was gone.
For two months he killed people without caring. For two months I was almost sure that he doesn't care about me. But for one thing I was 100% positive; He could be saved.
He could come home. He could care again.
And then I met him again.
"I don't want to come home," he said and left.
He left me broken-hearted, standing in the middle of a street in Chicago.
And I got back to the car, where Damon was. Damon, who was nothing but supporting since Stefan left. Damon, who recently started believing that Stefan can be saved. The same Damon that loves me; The same Damon that only yesterday fed on human, betrayed me and let me think for about six months that he is a good person.
And then he left.
And when Bonnie, Caroline, Tyler, Matt and I were in danger, he was gone.
When Stefan came back, he was gone.
When Stefan bit me, he was gone.
When Stefan was about to kill me, he was gone.
When Stefan turned off his feeling, he was gone.
But then he came back.
When I opened my eyes at the hospital, he was there.
"Damon?" I whispered. I was too weak to say more. I was too weak to be mad. I was too broken to not be relieved when he was there for me.
I closed my eyes, and let him take the blankets off me, disconnect the pipes from my veins, and carry me in silence to somewhere safe.
It didn't matter to me where he took me to, because I know he was going to be the safest place for me right now. I could count on him.
It's Damon.
"It's bourbon. It will help you, here." I said to her, softly, and handed her the glass. She took a sip and looked disgusted. "Yeah, it's… strong."
There was a silence, because she didn't have anything to say or maybe because she had too much to say. Either way, she only pulled her hair to behind her ear.
"You know, I can help you forget too." I said. She looked at me. "If there some memories you don't want to keep."
"No," she said instantly. "No compulsion."
I tried to think of other ways to lessen her suffer. I hated the sad look in her eyes. She looked sad, confused, and most of all lost. Stefan wasn't on her side and I left her when she needed me the most.
"I need to remember. All of it." She said.
Another silence. I took from my pocket the only thing I could give her at the moment: her necklace.
"I stole it back for you." I said.
She stared at it for few seconds, and then looked at me.
"He's really gone this time." She said, with sad, lost, insecure look in her eyes. "After everything that we've been through, to help him, and now he's just... gone."
I hoped that the necklace will remind her the Stefan who gave her the necklace, the Stefan who loved her and fought compulsion just to keep her alive. But instead, she stared at it with empty eyes, which were actually full of sadness and fear. It reminded her the Stefan who spent the summer with Klaus, killed people, and few hours earlier nearly killed her. As soon as I realised that the necklace made her even sadder, I put it on the table between us.
Then she did a thing that made my suffer much bigger and stronger.
She cried. She broke in front of me.
And while she did that, she asked the question that made me want to die. The answer was a thing I was sure I will be sorry about for the rest of my existence.
"Where were you, Damon?"
The sadness in her eyes, the fear in her facial expression, the lost tone of her voice; I wanted to hug her, to touch her, to let her know that I'm here now.
But I knew that every love gesture that I'll make will only remind her of Stefan, and I didn't know which Stefan it'll remind her.
"I should'nt have left." I said. It was the only thing I could say at the moment without reminding her of Stefan.
She dropped her look and nodded, crying. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't care if that will remind her of Stefan; I needed her to know that I'm here. I put my hand on her leg, just to let her know that she's not alone.
She looked at me, less insecure than before.
"I promise you..." I started saying. "I will never leave you again."
I highlighted every word so it will engrave in her memory.
And then she smiled. Small, yet genuine smile. I was relieved, and smiled back.
"Well, isn't that cozy?" I heard a familiar voice. Stefan's.
If it was before the summer, I'd let him come closer to Elena. I'd let him touch her, kiss her; If he wanted to. But tonight he tried to kill her. So I stood up, between them, to protect her.
"What are you doing here, brother?" I asked in a calm voice. I didn't want our conversation to become violent; I didn't want to hurt him when Elena's looking.
"Last I checked, I live here." He said in an arrogant, cocky tone, that I know well.
"Klaus is gone, but he's asked me to keep watch on you until he returns," He said to Elena. Then he grabbed a glass of bourbon and continued. "From now on, you're under my protection."
He smiled and raised his glass. He was about to leave the room, but I stayed tensed.
"By all means, carry on."
He left.
I looked at Elena, and she looked at me. She seemed as much worried and confused as I was.
She fell asleep after few minutes, and I took her to my room.
I kept watching her for the whole night, just in case Stefan will decide to come across the room and do something reckless, which he didn't.
I enjoyed it a little. Elena was safe, and she was so peaceful as she slept.
Moments like this happened before, and I was sure that will happen in the future, but I couldn't get used to it.
Every night I spent with her was different a little, but the feeling I got when I was around her was the same.
I was calm, yet excited.
I was happy, yet feared.
Feared that something or someone will take her away. Feared that someday, I won't be able to keep her safe like this.
Feared that someday I will stop loving her.