WHEN REALMS COLLIDE
"Havelock," said Vimes softly. Vetinari saw that he was shaking, and took the smaller man into his arms, holding him tightly -
"Excuse me?" said a voice behind the Anonymous Slasher #1456790 as it wrote.
--
Samuel Vimes was an unusual man in many ways. One of them was that between the adventures predescribed for him by The Books, he liked - or at least suffered through - visiting the poor bastards created by The Fanfiction, unlike his other canonical fellows.
Thus it was that his voice had been heard in the Anonymous Slasher's room.
The A.S. didn't even bother to look up. It just chucked an icon at his head.
"Young people these days," he muttered, neatly side-stepping the wildly aimed little square thing, which made a pathetic scrabbling sound and a dingalingalingaliiiiiiiiiiiiing when it hit the hardwood floor. He looked at it curiously. It said:
Meddle NOT in the affairs of SLASHERS for you are CUTE and go well with OTHER MEN.
"You stupid ass," he started.
"A.S.," the Anonymous Slasher corrected him, automatically.
"I'm not trying to pronounce your damn acronym, I'm calling you an ass," Vimes explained, helpfully. "Anyway. You stupid ass, you've already slashed me, or whatever it is."
"I don't think it can actually be used as a verb -"
"Whatever. You realize you've paired me with twenty-six men to date?"
"...So?"
"And that only five of them were even from my universe?"
"...So?"
"And that they included him?" said Vimes indignantly, jerking a thumb at Vetinari, who had appeared mysteriously out of nowhere in a way that was certainly very mysterious and probably involved voodoo and eating little babies at night. "Get away, you," Vimes added, glaring at the Patrician.
"Sorry?" said Vetinari, icily.
Vimes looked up and frowned. "Oh. Sorry, sir, I thought you were Angsty!OhI'mSoWeirdlyHelpless!Vetinari."
"What-ah," said Vetinari, looking suddenly thoughtful. "I see."
"Met him, have you?" said Vimes glumly. "He's so... clingy."
Vetinari nodded. They shared a moment of silent horror. The A.S. looked gleeful.
"Stop that," Vimes snapped. "It's annoying."
"And asinine," Vetinari put in.
"Sorry, I can't help it. You guys are just so cute!!" said the A.S. happily.
"...Was that two exclamation points?"
"Three."
"Oh, gods." Vimes put his head in his hands. "I don't know why I even come here, I really don't."
"It's because you canon characters are forced to rely solely on subtext for your romance if you stick strictly to the Realms of Canon," said the A.S., suddenly grave, "so you have to get your real lovin' over here, no matter how horribly it's written. Also, because I summoned you."
"Really," said Vimes, apparently missing that last comment.
"Oh yes. I did my thesis on that, you know."
"Your - I'm not going to ask." Vimes turned back to Vetinari, whom he judged to be the saner of his two companions, but who didn't look quite right. "Here, you aren't canon, are you?"
"Unfortunately, no," said the Unknown!Vetinari. "What gave me away?"
"The nose," said Vimes. "It's bigger."
Unknown!Vetinari adjusted it WITH HIS BRAIN. "There, is that better?"
Vimes nodded. "It wasn't too bad to begin with. Mostly it's just that Vetinari - the canon one, I mean - never comes over here."
"It won't stay that way forever, though," the Unknown!Vetinari said, resignedly tapping his nose. "My author cannot seem to get it out of her head that I am 'coldly handsome'. Or somesuch thing. I'm not quite sure, to tell you the truth."
"Which one are you?"
"I'm SurprisinglyInCharacterUpUntilISuddenlySproutOutOfCharacterTraitsInTheNameOfRomance!Vetinari," said SICUUISSOOCTITNOR!Vetinari.
"Long name," said Vimes, but sympathetically.
"I'm aware. I can't seem to drop it though."
Vimes started edging away, because that didn't sound like Vetinari at all. So... "In the name of romance, did you say?"
"Yes -"
"Yes!" said the Anonymous Slasher. "Because that is why I have summoned you both here on this day of days!"
"What?" they said in humorous unison, looking at her.
"I intend to introduce slash... into the Realms of Canon!!" she said, and laughed evilly. "Mwahahahahaa!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAA!!"
Outside, thunder started to roll. The fight was on.
--
It was a dark and stormy night. Somewhere, someone had accidentally kick-started an icon that was now saying its tinny little quips to the world in general.
ROCKS FALL. EVERYONE DIES, the icon burbled happily.
WTF? said Harry Potter's face (which Vimes unfortunately recognized from one of his doppleganger's Episodes(a)).
WTF? said Voldemort's face (likewise).
W-"hat the fuck?" Vimes interrupted, and kicked the stupid thing. It curled up into a ball. He glared at it.
"AHEM," said the A.S.
Vimes glared at it, too. "Yes? What is this mad plan of yours, exactly?"
The A.S. looked smug. "I'm afraid I can't reveal that to you, Vimesy. Yet."
"Vimesy," said Vimes flatly.
"Do you think you have it bad, Commander?" said SICUUISSOOCTITNOR!Vetinari. "It calls me Havvie. I ask you."
Vimes nodded. "And it's not even as if you haven't name issues already. Shame on you, Ass."
"A.S.," said A.S., ineffectually.
Something occurred to Vimes. "So you're feeling better, then?"
"I am attempting to resist the onset of out of character traits," said SICUUISSOOCTITNOR!Vetinari, sounding slightly strained.
"Er... good. Good man. Keep it up." He turned to the A.S. "If you can't tell us your damn plan, can you at least tell us why you summoned us here?"
"I said, yet."
Vimes gave her a Look.
"Oh, shut up. I have to summon some other canon characters first, okay? Jeez. Characters these days."
"I like that!" said Vimes, indignantly. "Am I the one who apparently chose to summon a perfectly -"
"I said shut up. I'm sure I did."
"And?"
"And if you don't, I'll pair CompletelyIdioticYetNeverthelessWeirdlyAttractiveToMembersOfTheSameSex!Vimes with someone from a new universe entirely," said the A.S. threateningly.
"...So?" CIAUABYNWATMOTSS!Vimes was a decent sort, in his way, if you didn't count his total idiocy, but Vimes couldn't muster up much fellow feeling. "You do realize that the activities of your little creations only affect we canon characters in the sense that we get more mail when they're having active days, right?"
"Um... really?"
"Yep."
"Shit," said the A.S. "I don't suppose you'd shut up if I told you it will make your fate slightly less miserable?"
"I doubt it," said Vimes, after a moment's thought. "The prospect of horrible death, &c. hasn't stopped me from being sarcastic at people at any point previously."
"Shit," said the A.S. again. "Well, be quiet now. I'm summoning people."
To its surprise, Vimes only opened his mouth and seemed about to speak for a moment before subsiding. It shrugged and got on with its business.
First, there was the chalk circle. Then, there were the colorful candles it'd nicked off someone's birthday cake. Third, there were the entrails of a stuffed unicorn - that is, a bunch of little styrofoam beads were strewn about the circle.
Well, needs must.
"By the name of Beelzebub, Wossname, and watermelonwatermelonwatermelonwatermelonwatermelonwatermelon," said the A.S. hurriedly, apparently reading out of a big, heavy book that had appeared in its hands mysteriously in, once again, a way that was highly mysterious and probably involved voodoo and the eating of babies, "I injure thee to rise watermelonwatermelonwatermelonwatermelonwatermelon -"
"Why, exactly, are you saying watermelon over and over again?" inquired S!Vetinari, as Vimes was now thinking of him for efficiency's sake. It was a good question.
"Er..." said the A.S. "That's what the book says to say."
"Really."
"Yes!"
"I doubt it," Vimes interjected, and took the damn thing himself. The A.S. made a little squeaking noise but didn't do anything about it.
He looked at the page. There, indeed, were the words 'watermelonwatermelonwatermelonwatermelonwatermelon'.
"It's not lying," he said, sounding half disappointed and half incredulous.
"How peculiar," said S!Vetinari.
"Worse than our bloody national anthem," muttered Vimes, and threw the book at the A.S.'s head, just for good measure.
It got up, rubbing its skull, and glared at him. "No need for that, Vimesykins. I know you have anger management problems, but you should really just realize that this is suppressed sexual needs and Get It Done With."
Vimes' expression, S!Vetinari considered, was really quite amazingly priceless.
"...You have long winter nights in this world, don't you?" he said, finally.
It took the A.S. a moment to work this out. "Hey!"
S!Vetinari, having been created in his current incarnation just for the purpose of this fanfic, decided he didn't want the story to spontaneously combust before its time. "Shouldn't you be getting back to the summoning?"
"Well, yes," the A.S. admitted. Vimes shot S!Vetinari a half-hearted glare, but likewise didn't protest the point. "Anyway," the slasher continued,"watermelonwatermelonwatermelonwatermelon I summon thee, OC!Ma -"
"Canon!Vetinari," Vimes interrupted, speaking loudly so as to counteract her voice.
There was an awkward silence as everyone tried to work out what would happen next.
Then It appeared.
(a) Possibly I should take a moment here to explain The System. All canon characters were sent regular clacks/telegraphs/e-mails/arrows-with-messages-attached on the recent activities of their fanfiction dopplegangers, to the canon characters' general chagrin. And in Ankh-Morpork, at least, once a week, as that time came round, Harry King's... raw material for Pulping Vat #7 increased significantly. Why this happens (the System, not the increase in lavatory paper production) remains one of the mysteries of the universe(b).
(b) See for explanations the axioms IJI(c), JB(d), DWI(e), and LSAS(f).
(c) It Just Is
(d) Just Because
(e) Deal With It
(f) L-Space And Stuff
--
It was not, it should be specified, a mere 'it' in the sense of the A.S. It was an It.
For those not well versed in the language of horror, that would translate as Mary Sue.
Picture her for a moment. Brace yourself, of course, however you see fit; take tylenol and aspirin. Read Clockwork Orange. Skin little bunny rabbits alive. When you feel you are prepared, take a gander.
Cleopatra Ellodia Moonsparkle Katrina Kassandra DeLupe had pale, alabaster, milky, smooth, flawless, warm, white, creamy skin inclined to blush adorably. Her eyes were midnight, black, dark, soulful, bright, shadowed with mystery, shadowed with past grief, shadowed with eyeshadow, onyx, obsidian gems, and her hair was a rich, curling, tawny, wavy, silky, gorgeous, shiny, cascading waterfall of chestnut locks.
...
Recovered? Right.
"Oh, ye gods," whispered Vimes, horror-struck. Next to him, S!Vetinari was backing away not very slowly at all. In fact the man was moving so quickly he was at risk of tripping over the hem of his robe.
"What are you doing?" said Vimes, momentarily distracted from the sight before him.
"I've... seen her - It - before..." S!Vetinari choked out.
"Ah."
"Vimes-" said a familiar voice, out of the Sue's mouth. Vimes stared. Vetinari's voice was interrupted, however, by an irritatingly high-pitched (seductive, musical, lilting, soft, rich, honey-like) one that finished "-ypoo!! You're so cute!! OMG!!"
It is a very strange thing to see someone's face try to argue with itself, and not a very pleasant one.
"Very well," said Vetinari, finally. "We can take turns."
"Me first!!"
"I think not." There was a disturbing sort of squelching noise. "Commander, what exactly is the meaning of this?"
"Er..."
"I'm sure I've expressed my feelings on the Fanfiction Realms to you previously."
"Well, not exactly..."
"Vimes."
"Sorry, sir."
The Thing apparently currently harboring Vetinari's brain pinched the bridge of its nose in an amusingly inappropriate manner.
Meanwhile, the A.S. seemed to have recovered somewhat. "You weren't supposed to do that!"
"What, me?" said Vimes.
"Yes, you! You ruined my summoning!"
"Well, it sort of worked..."
"Unfortunately," Vetinari interjected.
"No, it didn't! What did you do to my poor S-original character?"
"She is still present and, I believe, listening," Vetinari pointed out.
"Let her out! You're not supposed to be so mean, Havviekins!"
"Havviekins," said Vetinari, flatly. Vimes thought it an opportune moment to join S!Vetinari, who was standing nonchalantly behind an upturned table.
"That's you," said the A.S. helpfully.
"Havviekins."
"Yep. Or there's always Locky-chan, if you prefer."
Vetinari stared at her for a while, although the effect was ruined slightly by the midnight, black, dark, soulful, bright, shadowed with mystery, shadowed with past grief, shadowed with eyeshadow, onyx, obsidian eyes. "Vimes?" he said, after a while.
"Yessir?"
"I can't say I blame you. And I also believe that, as this summoning was clearly quite badly botched -" "Hey!" "- that I will now be going back to the city. For reinforcements."
Vimes shrugged. "You do that." He'd mainly been hoping that the man would either incapacitate the A.S. or have weapons on him for Vimes to hit the damn thing with, but reinforcements would be helpful. Assuming the Patrician didn't send, say, Rust, which was possible, given Vetinari's sense of humor...
There was a brief, blessed silence that probably amounted to "Transit Zone." Then...
"OMG Havviekins is almost as hottt as you, Vimesypoo!! In fact I can't decide!!"
"Ouch," said Vimes, clapping his hands over his ears.
"Aggh," said S!Vetinari, who already had them firmly in place.
"Totally!" said the A.S. "I just can't decide! That's why I'm planning to introduce slash into Canon!"
Vimes couldn't resist saying "And that is logical... how?"
"So we can get both our lust objects in the same room naked, obviously," chorused the terrible two.
Vimes had known the Fanfiction Realms for too long to let that particular statement stop him. "But you already do that in fanfiction," he continued doggedly. "Why do you need to try and change Canon?"
"Because Canon would be so much more cool if it included that sort of scene!"
"Oh. Of course," said Vimes, and settled back to wait.
--
Let us briefly shift the eye of the imagination (with some necessary squelching) to the Disc, that ten-thousand mile long flat planet resting on the back of four elephants resting on the back of the even larger Great A'Tuin.
Picture it, if you will, for a moment. The sun is currently under one of the elephant's left leg, and thus night has fallen over all; broken up by the sparkling webs of city lights, the largest, sprawling mass of which is Ankh-Morpork.
Let the eye of the imagination draw closer. A tower rises from the center of the city - the Tower, in fact, of Art. A little ways away is the Patrician's Palace, a blocky building with architecture pasted on.
A dark window suddenly brightens as someone within lights a lamp.
"Drumknott?" said Havelock Vetinari.
"Yes, my lord?" said the clerk, who had just entered.
"If you could please send for..." Vetinari paused for a moment, thinking. A thought struck him, and then a smile flashed across his austere visage, quickly as a minnow darting through water. It disappeared equally quickly. "...Lord Rust," he finished, "and Lord Downey, Sergeant Angua, and Captain Carrot."
Drumknott nodded and turned to go. He hesitated at the door, however, looked back and said "What for, my lord?"
Vetinari looked at him for a moment, face perfectly expressionless. "A brief excursion into the Fanfiction Realms, in fact."
The clerk gaped. "You're sending them into the Fanfiction Realms?"
"Why, yes."
"Er... isn't that a bit cruel, my lord?"
"Possibly," said Vetinari gravely. "If you would be so kind, Drumknott..."
Drumknott gave up. "Yes, sir."
He padded out.
Vetinari allowed himself another grin after the secretary had closed the door behind him. Vimes, he thought, rather deserved it; the insides of the... thing had been disgusting.
After perhaps twenty minutes, while he busied himself with the latest paperwork, Rust, Downey, Carrot and Angua had all been ushered into the room. Vetinari continued to work for exactly 17 seconds before looking up and smiling at them in a friendly way.
"Ah, Sergeant. Gentlemen. I understand that it is unusually late, but I have a rather... special... assignment for the four of you."
"What is it, sir?" said Captain Carrot, radiating enthusiasm.
"You are to make a hopefully brief journey to the Fanfiction Realms," said Vetinari, briskly.
He took a moment to enjoy the various reactions. Carrot paled slightly. Angua glared at him and then patted Carrot on the shoulder reassuringly. Downey looked faintly distasteful.
Rust, on the other hand, looked bloody furious. Vetinari had to suppress another grin.
"You want us to what? Are you mad, man?"
The Patrician considered this for a moment. "I don't believe so, no," he said, finally, then stood in one smooth movement and stared at them. Pointedly. "Understand, please, that this is something in the nature of... of a rescue mission. Yes. It is vital to the city's enduring health, mental and physical."
A general sort of Huh? hung over the group psyche.
"Yes," he went on, "I would say so. You see, Commander Vimes is currently trapped in the Fanfiction Realms, more specifically in the lair of one of the Anonymous Slashers."
More entertaining reactions. Angua winced in sympathy; Carrot looked worried; Downey seemed unconcerned, which was not, it must be said, entirely un-understandable; and Rust, of course, sneered.
"We're the better for it," he said.
"That is a matter of opinion," said Vetinari. "But the crux of the problem is that the Anonymous Slasher has a plan."
"A plan?" they chorused.
"Indeed. An evil plan, in fact. A plan to combine the fanfiction and canon realms."
"What?"
The word was very synchronized. Lord Vetinari was impressed.
"Exactly," he said. "I do not pretend to understand the details, but certainly the threat should be nullified as soon as possible."
It took a little more 'discussion', but eventually they had reached a consensus.
"How are we getting there, my lord?" said Downey, obsequious as ever.
"The Librarian will show you the way," said the Patrician.
"Oh. Of course. I should have guessed."
"Quite," said Vetinari, and, as one by one they filed out, returned to his paperwork.
--
"Ook," said the Librarian, when they entered. Above them, the glass dome rose dark and starry. It was nearing midnight, and the books were quiet.
"Do you know what we're here for, man?" Rust demanded, loudly. One of the grimoires nearby yanked on its chain. Rust noticed and edged away slowly.
"Ooooook," the ape replied, looking annoyed.
"What did he say? What did he say?"
"I believe that translates as 'Yes, of course. And I'll have you know I'm an orangutan,'" said Captain Carrot.
"What, all that?" said Downey, before Rust could get righteous and annoyed.
"He's a concise thinker," said Carrot solemnly.
"Of course."
"Ook ook eek," the Librarian interjected impatiently, and started down one of the aisles. In the end, the little party had no choice but to follow. It was a short walk, really, but there were so many twists and turns even Angua was soon totally lost. Only the Librarian seemed sure of where he was going.
Finally they came to a halt in what looked like another library. This one, however, contained a lot of people milling around and poking things. They got a lot of stares, Carrot and Angua in particular, though some of the particularly stiff looking individuals in the weirdest clothing seemed not to see them at all. One old woman in a really incredibly bright pink dress came up to them and said, kindly, "The SCA is meeting the next street over, dears."
Angua thanked her politely and hurried out, the other three tagging behind. The Librarian stopped at the entrance and handed her a map with a path drawn on it in red pen, though with a remonstrative "Oook."
And they were off.
--
Meanwhile...
"Hi!" said Cleopatra Ellodia Moonsparkle Katrina Kassandra DeLupe in a suspiciously sparkly manner. Vimes glared at her, balefully.
"Didn't," he ground out, "you say that five seconds ago?"
"Yep!"
"And you felt the need to say it again because..."
"Dunno, I just felt like it!"
"It's hopeless," said S!Vetinari, who was leaning against the wall, eyes closed. "You can't reason with Sues."
"That wasn't very nice, Havviekins!!" said the Thing, reproachfully.
"Good."
"Hey," said A.S., "that's my OC you're being nasty to there." It gave Vimes and S!Vetinari the hairy eyeball. Vimes gave her the hairy eyeball back. It made a little squelching noise between his fingers. The Anonymous Slasher sighed. "Sometimes I think I programmed this meta-space to take things a little too literally."
"Huh?"
"I-" it started. It was interrupted, however, before it could finish, because at that point a door burst open and in came Sergeant Angua, Captain Carrot, and Lords Downey and Rust.
"Damn it, I didn't think Vetinari was annoyed enough to send you," said Vimes.
"I could say the same," Rust retorted icily.
"None of you are supposed to be here," the A.S. interrupted. "I didn't summon you!"
"We know," said Angua.
"Then how did you get here?!"
"L-space, of course."
"Oh." It deflated somewhat. Then the Sue came to its rescue.
"OMG Carrot!!" she(a) squealed, rushing forward. The normally stalwart captain backed away, looking panicked. It was too late, however - the next moment she was clinging to his leg.
Silence descended. Briefly.
"Er," said Carrot, after a moment, sounding strained, "could someone get her off of me?"
Angua took a wary step towards the Thing, but jumped back when It looked at her with glowing eyes and hissed "Mine. Miiiiiiiiiiiine." She was not daunted for long, however.
"My Carrot!"
"No, mine!"
"Mine!"
"He's mine!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too, you spineless blond!"
"Oh my - is not, you, you abomination!"
"Jealous two-timing bitch!"
"Thieving little Sue!"
The Sue leapt, and the two went down, clawing at each other's hair and faces (although the Sue managed to keep hold of Carrot's leg with one hand). The others looked on, totally bemused... all, that is, but the A.S.
Vimes was first to notice, but it was too late; the creatures had been summoned, and the A.S. was holding her watermelonific tome above her head, looking triumphant. Before her stood five fanfiction dopplegangers, one for each of the canon characters present.
"Oh, Carrot, you're such a nasty abusive dwarf!" shouted EvenMoreAngstyThanCanonicallyRepresented!Angua, sobbing.
"Poor 'Gua, I will defend you from whoever has threatened your safety," cooed SickeninglySweet!Carrot.
"Where're the cocktails?" said WrittenBeforeNightWatch!Lords Rust and Downey. "We need a drink. Badly."
And last but certainly not least...
"I am Vimes. Hear me roar," intoned EmotasticAndSuperhumanlyPowerful!Vimes.
"Oh, gods," said Vimes, all the color draining from his face. Both Angua and Carrot stopped concentrating on the Sue for a moment in order to look up and say "Sir?"
He jabbed a thumb at Emotastic!Vimes, wordlessly. They turned their heads.
"Oh," said Angua.
"Oh dear," said Carrot.
"Why the dismay?" said S!Vetinari curiously.
"That's EASP!Vimes," said Vimes.
"EASP?"
"EmotasticAndSuperhumanlyPowerful."
"Ah."
Since none of the characters is going to oblige you, dear reader, by explaining, it's time for some infodumping. You see, during Night Watch, only one scene in, as Vimes was sniffing his lilac, he was suddenly hit over the head by EASP!Vimes and stuffed in a broom closet somewhere. Yes. That's right. For the duration of an entire theoretically canonical novel, a fanfiction character had gotten into the woodwork. The real Vimes had been discovered by the time of Thud!, but many said the damage was already done.
"Yes!" crowed the A.S. "These are my creations! And now you must FIGHT!"
With a low hiss, EMATCR!Angua pounced on Angua, tearing her away from the clutches of the Sue and starting a brand new catfight. SS!Carrot gave Carrot a smoldering look and raised his sword (which Carrot thought overly shiny). They began to duel in a highly noble fashion; the Sue clinging to Carrot's leg, however, probably didn't help. WBNW!Downey half-heartedly offered Downey some Nosiop, which Downey politely declined, and WBNW!Rust and Rust quickly got down to the fisticuffs.
EASP!Vimes raised a blackjack. Vimes rolled his eyes and got out a cosh, glaring at his counterpart all the while.
And S!Vetinari... watched, and looked slightly puzzled. The A.S. noticed.
"Cleo!" it commanded. "Get S!Vetinari!"
The Sue lazily extended one hand far beyond what she should have been able to and grabbed S!Vetinari's wrist. He yelped and almost tripped. "That better, Creator?" said the Thing.
"Yes," the A.S. allowed. It smiled at the scene of wreckage before it, satisfied that its plan would work out, and turned to the glowing computer screen behind it.
On a whim, the Slasher went to , where it had posted all its previous (and terrible) writing. The first story in the Discworld Archive was titled "When Realms Collide", a new one it hadn't read yet.
It clicked, and read '"Havelock," said Vimes softly. Vetinari saw that he was shaking, and took the smaller man into his arms, holding him tightly -
"Excuse me?" said a voice behind the Anonymous Slasher #1456790 as it wrote.'
It kept reading.
It read some more.
It read, in fact, oblivious to the sounds of swearing behind it, until it reached the words "It read, in fact, oblivious to the sounds of swearing behind it, until it reached the words 'It read, in fact, oblivious to the sounds of swearing behind it, until it reached the words "It read, in fact, oblivious to the sounds of swearing behind it, until it reached the words 'It read, in fact, oblivious to the sounds of swearing behind it, until it reached the words..."
The fraction of a second stretched into infinity.
Then the A.S. spontaneously combusted.
It was an extremely gory moment. Kidney-bits flew everywhere. The pelvis clattered on the floor. The brain was plastered all over the ceiling. The skin... well... need I really say more?
In any case, a moment later, five identical screams sounded, and the fanfiction representation of book characters went up in smoke. Soon, only the canonical ones remained, and, for some reason, S!Vetinari. All six looked a bit shell-shocked.
"Er," said Carrot, breaking the silence, "can someone get it off my leg?"
And, indeed, the Sue was still tightly gripping Carrot's leg and S!Vetinari's wrist.
No one offered to help, not even Angua, who was leaning against a wall and looking exhausted. To be fair, the Thing's hair was moving of its own accord, its eyes were glowing bright gold, and its pale, slender, graceful hands were starting to grow claws.
"Just hack it off," Vimes advised.
"If you say so, sir," said Carrot, reluctantly, and just as the claws began to tighten brought the sword down in a deadly arc.
More blood spattered. The head fell off and rolled around a bit, while the body kicked for a while before finally falling still.
"O...kay..." said Vimes.
Rust, who seemed to have recovered from his fisticuff extravaganza (although, Vimes noticed with satisfaction, he did have a nice shiner), looked disgusted, but refrained from saying anything and instead elected to stalk out the door, which, now that the summoning bindings which we will not go into the technical details of were gone, led back into the Canon Realms. Downey and Carrot followed, with Carrot limping slightly.
Vimes looked at S!Vetinari. "So... why didn't you go up with the rest of them?" he said, conversationally.
"The influence of the Sue, I believe," said S!Vetinari, who sounded almost cheerful.
"Yeah, I was going to ask about her, too..."
"Ah, but you see, Sues are not the creation of any fanfic author, even Anonymous Slashers, that most terrible of breeds; Sues are more of the Dungeon Dimension variety. The fanfic authors merely let them into the world."
"They let them into the world? Do they know what they're doing?" Vimes said, aghast.
"Not insofar as I am aware. But in any case, somehow or other I survived, because the creature was hanging on to me."
"Oh, well that makes sense."
"It's fanfiction," said S!Vetinari serenely, "is it supposed to make sense?"
"Well, no," Vimes admitted. "What are you going to do, then, authorless?"
"Possibly go into consulting." The man looked thoughtful for a moment, then disappeared in ways that were, once and for all, very mysterious and probably involving voodoo and the eating of babies.
Vimes frowned at the space where he'd been for a very few seconds then shrugged and glanced at Angua.
"You know, it apparently had a plan for bringing slash into the Canon Realms."
"Really, sir?"
"Apparently. I wonder what it was." He kicked a kidney absently.
"Probably best not to know," said Angua, patting him on the shoulder, and with that they hurried out.
(a) I use the term in the loosest possible sense. Believe me.
THE END
A/N: I hereby apologize to any gods, goddesses, and deities of indeterminate gender, false or otherwise, who are within a 260000 foot radius of this. And you readers, too. Just... know that I have no self control, and that it's not my fault. Really.