'WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING? WHY AM I SO USELESS?' Phil screamed with enough force to awake the whole building. Dan was out so he didn't care if anyone else heard. Phil just needed to express all the emotion pent up inside him without judgement from his younger friend. He sprinted towards their shared bedroom and head-butted one of their pillows repeatedly giving himself a deserved headache. That was his intention after all, to rid of his pointless feelings and concentrate on a different kind of pain for just one moment. A release. Feeling extremely worn out and now in intense pain, Phil wept into the pillow, cradling it as he would Dan, and silently prayed for him to return soon so he could comfort Phil and just stop feeling so crap about everything.
Dan whistled as he walked along the road to reach the block of flats where he and Phil had lived for 2 years. Swinging the bag of shopping which he had just bought from Tesco, Dan was excited to show Phil the surprise bag of maltesers, which he planned for them to share whilst watching a movie later on that night. Upon reaching the 20 flights of stone steps up to their apartment, Dan went over to the lift, which was on the opposite wall to the entrance, which he had just walked through. Illuminating the 21 button, Dan was almost hopping with excitement as he planned his greeting with Phil. However, his plans were soon cut short. Dan heard Phil before he saw him, even though he was still a few levels below their apartment, and instantly became worried. Phil was letting out painful screams and cries. Dan ran out of the lift the second he reached floor 21 and almost sprinted to their door, unlocking it as quickly as his hands would allow. The state, which he found in front of him, was so intense; his surprise greeting became forgotten, abandoned on the ground near the door.
After releasing as much anger as possible in the pillow, Phil had decided to move to the hallway by the door in hopes that he would be able to lie as Dan lay whilst having one of his existential crisis's and figure his thought out, but the thought of Dan and how much Phil dearly missed him was too much, although Dan had only been gone for about 2 hours. Phil just wanted to see him again, no, he NEEDED to see him again, to be able to cradle him and tell him how much he loved him and cared for him. To be able to see the light in his chocolate brown eyes. To see his dimple when he whole-heartedly smiled. Just to see Dan… Phil began to whimper again. Why was he so fucking weak? His painful thoughts tormented him until he was fully screaming out yet again, howling Dan's name, but he didn't come.
As Dan ran through the doorway, he immediately saw Phil violently sobbing, obviously extremely distressed, on the floor and sunk down to give him a much-needed hug. 'Phil' he began, concern showing in his voice, 'What's the matter little lion man?'
The nickname gave Phil a fond memory of his favourite song and the endless amount of time he had spent listening to it on repeat with Dan, which almost allowed him to begin to smile, but he couldn't quite bring himself to it. 'It's nothing Dan, you wouldn't understand' Phil bitterly replied, realizing that he himself didn't even know what was wrong, allowing yet another large tear to escape from his red and bloodshot eyes. He contemplated escaping to their bedroom for a second time and locking himself inside, away from Dan, away from all other forms of life, but he simply could not be bothered to move anymore. Dan had already seen him. It was too late. He had already lost all dignity.
Dan knew that Phil was obviously upset so hugged him tighter still, whispering in his ear to comfort Phil. 'Please, I'm here now, don't be upset, we can get through this together, whatever is happening. Please just tell me Phil then I can help you. I might not completely understand, but you know that I've been through a lot myself, and experienced a lot too, and maybe I can help you to understand?' Reaching over to gently hold Phil's face, Dan delicately kissed each tear away, tasting salt on his lips. Looking deeply into Phil's beautiful deep aqua-blue eyes, noticing every individual detail, Dan breathed 'All gone, see. Trust me Phil. Can you not see that I love you? Please, tell me what's wrong.'
Not leaving his eye contact, Phil began to explain, stammering slightly as he began, trying desperately to hold back another sob. 'Dan, I really don't know, I just feel terrible. No one cares about me; they all hate me and everything about me. My life is useless and I can't face everyone any more. I just can't put on this happy act all the time like there's nothing wrong. You might as well stop trying because there's nothing you can do. I'm so weak I can't even stop crying to talk to you and I might as well just leave. Doubt anyone would notice anyway.' Phil's voice faded away filled with deep emotion. He couldn't look at Dan anymore. This beautiful boy with the sable coloured hair and perfectly shaped face, without a single imperfection. How could he even begin to imagine what Phil was going through?
Dan's thoughts raced. How could Phil be saying all these things? 'No, no, no, Phil, don't say those things! Your life is not useless, silly. I need you Phil; you keep me going, keep me alive. So many people care about you, do you not know that? And Ph-'
At that moment, Phil interrupted Dan, letting his words overtake his brain, not even thinking what he was saying anymore 'That's the point Dan. No, I don't know that people care about me. I'm that stupid that I can't even tell if someone likes me or not. What is even the point? I'm just a dumb, mumbling idiot, not worth your time. Please just leave me…' Hurt was running through Phil's body, created by his own, spiteful words.
'Come here' Dan took Phil's perfect face in his hands and brought it towards his own, lightly kissing his pink lips, feeling Phil give in and slowly begin to kiss him back, only breaking apart to take a breath. 'Why do you think I'd be kissing you and spending my time with you if I didn't care about you Phil? You know that you have seen it all before' Dan continued to sing the song. 'Come lie with me and we can snuggle and just forget everything that's happened today. Let it go and start again?' He questioned Phil.
Slowly nodding, Phil began to be hauled up by Dan and pulled into a loving embrace, ended by Dan nibbling Phil's earlobe as he whispered 'Feeling better, angel?' and Phil wishing that he had continued, showed Dan a small, weak whimper. 'Yeah' Phil replied 'A bit, might need a bit more of that though to help me through.' The beginnings of a half-smile appearing on his face. Nuzzling into Dan's chest, Phil whispered 'I love you so much Dan. Thank you, I seriously couldn't live without you in my life.'
Eventually breaking themselves apart, Dan led Phil to their bedroom, hand in hand, where he found yet another disaster scene. Pillows and blankets were strewn across the room, covering the floor and littering all other parts of the room. Making no mention of this, however, Dan allowed Phil to rest on the bed, gathering up as much of the debris as he could and throwing it down to create a cover of sorts. He jumped on the bed to join his best friend and boyfriend, and held him around his waist, feeling his comforting warmth and hearing his heartbeat through his chest.
The final things Phil remembered before drifting off into a well needed slumber were Dan's welcoming arms around his body, and a whisper of 'I love you' into his ear, and that was how Phil liked it. Wishing he could end every day like this, preferably without the previous events, he fell asleep beside Dan. The most amazing person he could ever have met.