Significant of not, some short moments in a year in the life of Lily Evans. JP/LE
Disclaimer, I own nothing, all lyrics belong to Carbon Leaf, everything else belongs to JKR.
Comfort
July, 1977
I raced along an empty highway.
I chased the dawn,
The bustling traffic on either side of the small, blue car looked just the way it always did with the same faceless people, the same colorless landscape of hurrying cars and buses blurred by the downpour of rain. Lily never thought about where these people were going or where they were coming from. They were simply the context for whatever was going to happen. And surely something was going to happen? Had she been here before?
The traffic thickened as they drove along, more cars, more ghostly people, pale and shimmering though the rain.
Lily could never make out any of the faces. She saw her own pale reflection in the window.
The sound of the wheels of so many cars on the highway was strangely absent. There were no roaring engines or the subtle thump of someone with their radio turned on too loudly. Lily pressed her cheek against the cold glass of the window, or what should have been cold glass, and listened. She didn't feel the window against her cheek. She couldn't hear anything. Why didn't that seem strange?
Her parents were seated in front of her, chatting in low voices. Lily could hear them, but only as though from a distance or through a long tunnel. She desperately wanted to hear their voices. She couldn't distinguish any of the words.
She turned to look beside her and stared at the empty seat Petunia usually occupied. Petunia was at home. Waiting. For news? Surely not for their return. What did that mean? She hadn't come along to pick Lily up from the station. It was just Lily in the backseat and the space seemed vast and unreal.
The two front seats seemed to drift away from her as the car sped up suddenly, the wheels screaming as they rolled along the slick pavement beneath them.
Lily could hear the wheels screeching now. The sound filled up her head and her vision blurred. It sounded like screams. It was screams. Why was she screaming? Why was her wand in her hand?
The truck was suddenly in front of them, it never gave any warning, not in all the times this had happened, and Lily saw only the silhouettes of her parents against the headlights before she flung her wand up, too late.
And cursed the new day,
Out of town, till nobody was aroundLily stood alone on the edge of an empty, drenched highway before she woke with a start, drenched not in rain but in a cold sweat.
September, 1977
Lily woke up to the sun in her eyes on September first. She'd dreamed about Hogwarts last night. She smiled in relief that it wasn't the same nightmare she'd been having so frequently since the accident.
The summer had been unbearable. Lily liked to think that if it wasn't for that nightmare, she would have had an easier time, but it wasn't just her parents she'd lost in the crash. In that one brief moment, Lily and Petunia had been torn apart with no hope of repair. Lily spent only one night at home before packing up all her things and heading to the Leaky Cauldron for the remainder of the holiday. She'd spent most of that time crying into her pillow, Petunia's shouts and cruel words echoing in her head.
"You saved yourself and you didn't save them! You didn't save them, Lily! You're supposed to be able to do things like that, aren't you?"
The words surprised Lily for a moment because Petunia had recently taken to not acknowledging that Lily was a witch. She stood, staring straight ahead, her mouth open slightly, just like she had been for the past few hours at the hospital. Petunia, on the other hand, was becoming hysterical.
"Why didn't you do anything? Why aren't you doing anything now? Bring them back!" Petunia's thin fingers gripped hard at her sister's sweater and this roused Lily into speech. She blinked and her expression turned furious.
"It doesn't work like that, Petunia!" Her shoulders slumped and she shrugged herself out of Petunia's grip before bowing her head. She felt guilty, as if she were only making excuses. "I can't just… bring them back."
Tears were streaming down both their faces now, but it was easy for Lily to make out the look of hatred etched on her sister's face as she said those next words.
"Then what good are you?"
Lily had guilt eating at her all summer. There really was no way to bring back the dead, but it wasn't the fact that she couldn't save her parents that was really bothering her. It was the fact that she'd only been able to save herself.
The doctors at the hospital had been amazed. "Not a scratch on her!" they'd exclaimed to each other in wonder. Lily hadn't even had time to think, but apparently, she'd cast a shield charm that had protected her from the impact and flying debris of the crash. Her parents hadn't been so lucky. Lucky. Lily felt anything but lucky.
Lily spent the days and nights the same, curled up on the flimsy bed, sometimes crying, sometimes just staring. And when September first finally arrived, she took a cab to Kings Cross, one hand nervously gripped to her knee, the other in her pocket, holding her wand. The cab driver tried to make general conversation but Lily was less than obliging. It was a long ride. Lily hoped that she wouldn't be as tense on the train.
A small part of Lily worried that her first impression as Head Girl would be disastrous in her nervous and devastated state, but it was just a small thought wandering through her head. She felt stupid to be worrying about such a little thing. What did it matter, really? Most of her was thinking how proud her parents would have been when the letter came. They had been overjoyed when she had made prefect. Even Petunia had congratulated her then. She didn't think she'd ever see Petunia again.
She arrived at the station early and boarded the nearly empty train at platform nine and three quarters without looking for any of her friends. She quickly found an empty compartment and immediately changed into her robes for something to do. She pinned the Head Girl badge to the front and watched her reflection in the window. It looked as pale as it did in her dreams. Her hair was in a tangled cloud around her head. She hadn't been taking care of it. She hadn't really been taking care of herself well at all. She patted at her hair absently and noted that this was the first time she'd thought about her appearance in a while.
The train was gradually filling as the time approached eleven and Lily wandered up and down the hall, not stopping long to talk to anyone, her smile forced and uncomfortable. Those who had heard about her parents, a surprising number, were obviously nervous around her and Lily couldn't blame them. It had been a few months, but even she couldn't predict when she'd next break down.
Why had Dumbledore been thinking, making her Head Girl in this condition?
As the whistle blew, there was a jolt and the train began to make it's way out of the station. Lily did her best to ignore the numerous students waving and calling good-byes to their parents and family out on the platform. She tried to tune out the mothers' tears and the laughter and all the "see you over the holidays!"
Lily's pace quickened as she moved along the hall towards the prefect's compartment. What was she supposed to be saying again? What would they all be expecting from her? Why hadn't she brushed her hair out when she'd had the chance?
Her breathing quickened as she realized that she had no idea what would happen when she entered that compartment. She paused outside the door and hoped with all she had that the Head Boy, whoever he was, would take the lead for this meeting.
Lily opened the door to the sound of excited chatter and laughter among the prefects. She glanced desperately around for any sign of the shining Head Boy badge as let out a sigh of relief as she spotted it almost instantly. But upon looking up, Lily realized with a start that it was pinned to the robes of someone entirely unexpected.
Love came along, my favorite enemy.We hit head-on.
James caught Lily's eyes and gave her a small, understanding smile.
She walked over to him and his smile widened. Why hadn't she done something to her hair? It still looked like a mess! Lily felt something strange filling her stomach and she felt her mouth moving before she had time to register what was happening.
"So, Head Boy, Potter? Didn't think you had it in you." She paused. "Congratulations."
He smiled down at her for a moment. "Thanks, Evans."
For some reason, the sound of her surname sounded strange coming from him. He'd always called her that.
Seeing the two of them together, the prefects quieted and turned the attention to the two Heads. Lily felt something constrict in her throat. James rested a hand on her shoulder and she left out a deep breath. He stepped forward and began speaking to the prefects, but Lily didn't even hear what he was saying. All she registered was the swift grin he threw her over his shoulder and an ease she hadn't felt since that horrible rainy day.
She took a long, deep breath and genuinely relaxed.
October, 1977
Lily didn't know how it happened.
Had it really been as easy as that meeting on the train, that smile? Was it the fact that there were more and more of those genuine, light smiles coming her way? Was it because she'd needed something to lean on since the summer and as her co-head, James was awfully convenient in that capacity?
Why you befriended me,
I don't know.
She couldn't pin it down to any particular moment, but as the months passed she found herself friends with James Potter. It wasn't that she'd really disliked him before. He certainly had a knack for getting on her nerves, and there were countless times when she'd found herself thinking less than kind thoughts about him. But James was just a teenage boy and really, what else would you expect than for him to have rather immature moments every now and then?
But Lily didn't see many of those instances anymore. James had, apparently, grown up.
He'd shouldered his responsibilities as Head Boy with some grace (and some jokes) and really, it had made all the difference. For those first weeks, Lily had really relied on James to carry more of the weight than he should have had to, but he did so without comment or complaint. He was friendly and he was funny, and he was charming.
And so, Lily found herself working on homework with James and eating meals with James and partnering up with James in classes. She didn't think so much about her parents or her sister when James was around. He was distracting, but Lily found that she also genuinely enjoyed his company.
Currently, they were in Defense Against the Dark Arts class practicing basic shield charms.
Sirius had scoffed at the beginning of the lesson when Professor Roland had announced their agenda for the day. "Shield charms? Why do I even come this class anymore?" James had snickered. Lily had found herself agreeing with them. They should all be able to do shield charms in their sleep by now.
However, with James standing across from her, his wand pointed at her, Lily was, admittedly, finding it hard to focus. She raised her wand and shook herself thinking concentrate. James threw her a lopsided grin and a wink and her brief focus was gone.
"Ready, Lily?" He had started calling her 'Lily.'
"I don't think you're supposed to ask your opponent if they're ready in a real duel, James." She had started calling him 'James.'
"All right, I won't ask next time. Are you ready now?"
Lily smiled despite herself. "You're incorrigible."
In the past, James would have responded with something like a conceited, 'But you know you love me anyway,' and Lily would have replied with a haughty laugh and a lazy, 'I could never love you as much as you love yourself, Potter."
But James said nothing of the sort this time. And Lily had no urge for a witty remark because she really did like him quite a lot, actually.
Wait. What?
James's stunning spell was heading for her but Lily's wand arm had dropped to her side, her mouth hanging open slightly. Where had her head just gone?
There's no need for letting go
When you've already lost control
Damn it, she had time to think. And then the spell hit her and she fell to the floor, unconscious.
December, 1977
"You're sure it's all right with your parents?"
"Yes, Lily. It's fine."
"I don't want to be an inconvenience—"
"You're not an inconvenience."
"But it was such short notice and I'm sure—"
"You do want to come, don't you, Lily?"
"Yes!"
"Well, that's settled then. You're coming. Stop fussing."
James, Lily, and Sirius had found a compartment near the back of the Hogwarts Express, which was heading to London carrying students on their way home for the Christmas holidays. The three of them would all be staying at the Potter household for the duration of the break.
Sirius, who had remained silent so far, was expected at the Potters' every holiday since he'd left his former residence, but Lily was a recent addition to the plans. James hadn't wanted her staying at Hogwarts all by herself for the holidays like she had been planning to. She certainly wasn't spending the time with Petunia.
He had fallen gracefully onto the couch one day while she'd been reading and offered for her to come with him and Sirius. Lily had given him a skeptical look. He'd merely shrugged and said, "Hey, what are friends for?"
That had been two days before break and Lily was worried that the Potters wouldn't appreciate an extra guest showing up on such short notice. She didn't know that James how owled them weeks ago, asking for permission and had only recently strung up the courage to ask her.
All in all, the train ride was a quiet affair. Snow was falling heavily by the time they were beginning to leave the countryside and Lily reminisced about how excited her father was whenever they had a white Christmas while James and Sirius played exploding snap.
Marta and Harrison Potter greeted the trio warmly when they arrived at the train station. Mrs. Potter even swept Lily into a hug and gave her a quick kiss on the head. Lily felt tears coming to her eyes as she suddenly missed her parents terribly. Embarrassed and blushing, Lily turned away and wiped her face on her sleeve. She was slightly more composed as she shook Mr. Potter's hand but it was obvious that she was uncomfortable. As James hugged his mother and got a manly pat on the back from his father, Lily and Sirius stood off to the side. Lily couldn't stop a sniffle and Sirius nudged her foot with his. She found it to be a strangely comforting gesture. Lily smiled up at Sirius and nudged his elbow with hers. He smiled back and they rejoined the Potter family, all of them heading out into the winter wonderland of London.
The Potters' home was warm and inviting and with the snow, the Christmas decorations, and the jokes and happy tones of the other residents filling the house, especially James and Sirius, Lily found herself thinking that she just might enjoy the holiday after all. Days spent laughing with James and Sirius, having snowball fights with the kids in the neighborhood, and cooking with Mrs. Potter left Lily feeling tired and content at the end of the day. She didn't have so many bad dreams anymore.
Near the end of the holiday, Lily found herself alone with Sirius in the sitting room. The Potters' had left for the afternoon on an obligatory visit to James's grandmother's house. Sirius had opted to stay behind and, seeing the look Sirius was giving her from behind Mrs. Potter's back, she had declined the offer to come along as well.
"I love Mr. and Mrs. Potter, but Grandma Potter is a different story entirely," Sirius said as they lounged on one of the thick cushioned couches.
"What's so horrible about her?"
Sirius seemed to think for a moment. "Well, she's old, and she's slowly… dying."
"Well, then it's good that her family's there for her, isn't it?" Lily frowned.
Sirius snorted. "Trust me, she doesn't appreciate it. I tagged along last year, didn't know any better, and all she did was gripe about her miserable existence."
"It must be hard for her," Lily offered.
"Only because she hasn't done anything with her life." Sirius sat up and looked at Lily. "She's had a long, boring life and she regrets that she hasn't really lived for any of it."
"Carpe diem," Lily murmured. Sirius nodded.
"What's life without a little excitement?"
My life is open wide
The more you live, the less you will die
Outside, floating free
January, 1978
Lily loved the sensation of floating. She loved to fly. She just hated that you needed a broomstick to get up in the air. She dreamed of flying with no restraints.
But during the day in her waking hours, Lily had to settle for the school brooms to get her into the air. And the availability of the quidditch pitch. All four houses had their teams practicing at all hours of the day in preparation of upcoming matches and Lily found it quite a challenge to fit in a few hours for a good fly. She also had a hard time understanding how James got all his head duties done and his schoolwork with quidditch on top of it all.
On a particularly snowy January evening after dinner, Lily bundled up in her heavy cloak, a hat, and a thick scarf before heading out into the grounds. She found them blissfully empty. She strode briskly towards the pitch, her cheeks turning red in the cold winter air, her breath coming out in spiraling wisps in front of her.
By the time she reached the broom shed, her hair was wet from the snow and the hem of her jeans was soaked. Choosing the best looking broom, Lily smiled and walked out into the pitch, excited at the prospect of being able to fly for the first time in months. But glancing up at the dark sky, Lily saw that she was not so alone as she thought. A lone figure was flying circles around the pitch. Lily recognized his scruffy hair even from the ground.
A mischievous smile crept onto Lily's face and she mounted her broom and pushed off. The already icy air bit at her cheeks and her nose, but the sensation of being in the air was worth the cold. James was flying away from her and Lily took the opportunity to fly up behind him. He was going fairly slowly and it was easy to catch up. A moment later, she was right on his tail.
"Hey, James."
James jumped and Lily knew she'd caught him off guard. He swerved around with a precision and speed, his face anxious. His startled expression caused Lily a brief moment of regret in sneaking up on him, but a moment later he smiled and relaxed.
"Hey, Lily."
The two of them hovered there for a moment, smiling at each other. Lily didn't feel so cold anymore. A warm, comfortable feeling was already filling her up. James's grin was wide and endearing and infectious. His hair was windswept and his cheeks were pink with cold. His eyes were tired.
"Guess I wasn't the only one who fancied a fly," James said and Lily started. She'd been staring.
"I thought I'd be the only one out here in this weather," she said, thankful that her blush was covered up by her already red face. James smiled resignedly.
"It seems there's not really anywhere at Hogwarts you can be alone." He sounded tired when he spoke. Lily suddenly felt guilty for intruding on his space. He'd wanted to be alone. Something was clearly bothering him.
"Why do you want to be alone?" Lily asked, hoping she wasn't being too nosy.
James looked away and hesitated for a moment. "My grandmother passed away this morning."
"Oh." Lily couldn't think of anything else to say. It sounded stupid and she wanted to say something more but speech abandoned her for a moment. Instead, she thought of her parents. And she thought of Sirius's grimace when he spoke about Grandma Potter.
"Well, she had a long life. Boring and long. She's probably happier to go." James shrugged. "She wasn't very happy while she was here anyway." Sirius's words echoed in Lily's head.
"She's had a long, boring life and she regrets that she hasn't really lived for any of it."
Lily found she couldn't much sympathize with James's grandmother when she thought of her parents. They hadn't had the opportunity of a long life, boring or no. But the look on James's face was enough that she sympathized with him. He didn't seem devastated exactly, just a little sad. She knew what it was like to lose someone. She also knew that nothing anyone had said to her at the time had really meant very much.
Before Lily could think of anything else to say that might not sound entirely bland, James was looking back at her again and smiling. "I'm glad you came out, Lils."
Lily smiled back. "Me too."
James flew over a little closer. Their brooms were right next to each other. He had snow in his hair.
"I'm really glad you came." James was closer than Lily could ever remember him being and suddenly, Lily couldn't think of anything but his handsome face, his smile, his lips.
Lily realized that he was leaning in to kiss her. She felt so warm in spite of the snow falling all around them. She felt so comfortable.
I'm finally open to seeCould you be any more comfort to me?
He paused, inches away from her face and Lily leaned in the rest of the way. Lily loved the sensation of floating, and of flying without restraints.
February, 1978
You've figured out the warnings
And the reasons why,
"I'm really behind on my course work. I need all the time I can get to catch up with Transfiguration."
"Lily, Transfiguration is my best subject. I can help you if you want." James smiled at her and raised his eyebrows. Lily turned back to her plate. She knew Transfiguration was his best subject. She also knew things like the fact that he didn't like jam on his toast but he would put it on anything else. She knew a lot about James Potter even though she never thought she would or that she'd care.
The two of them were sitting (very closely) at the Gryffindor table for breakfast. It was early. The post hadn't even come yet and the Great Hall was only about half full of students. Not all the professors had showed up yet.
Lily pretended as though she hadn't heard James. "And my Head Girl duties are really piling up recently. I barely have time for anything else."
James gave her a withering look. "I'm Head Boy, Lily. We haven't had anything other than the usual to do lately. Prefect meetings." He said it so unconcernedly. And he was right, of course.
"But on top of everything else-"
"And if you need a little help keeping up with Head duties, I can help with that too." James's eyes were boring into her but she wouldn't look up at him. She just wouldn't.
"But then you wouldn't get anything done, helping me with everything," she practically whispered, toying with her fork.
"I'm not the one who's so far behind."
James slid his hand into hers and Lily gripped it as though it was a lifeline. Leaning over, James rested his head on her shoulder and whispered into her ear. His breath tickled her neck. It was warm and nice.
You smoothed me out.
"You're not worried about all the work you have, Lils. You're making excuses not to spend time with me. Why?"
"I'm not making excuses," she said, a little too vigorously. "It's just-"
"Just what?"
"Just…." Lily was saved an answer for at that moment, hundreds of owls swooped into the Great Hall, one landing right in front of Lily. She looked at it in surprise. She didn't know anyone who would be sending her mail, especially not by owl.
"Just what, Lily?"
Lily looked away from the owl and up at James, her eyes wide. "You make me feel alive, James. More than I've ever felt before. Certainly more than I've felt since the summer."
The impatient owl hopped closer, its talons clanging onto Lily's plate. The two of them ignored it.
"And that's a bad thing?" James asked, sounding hurt.
"No! No, that's a good thing. It's just that… I don't know what to give you in return." All the midnight broom flights and an eventful trip to Hogsmeade and even a trip into the Forbidden Forest had followed so far since that snowy night in January. James had given Lily a new thirst for life. She was seizing the day. But what could she do in return?
I hope you know there's nothing
I could give,
For showing me how to live.
"Lily-"
"I don't want you to take me on exciting trips into the Dark Forest or something if all I can give you in return is a thrilling night of Transfiguration review. Ouch!"
The owl sitting in front of her had nipped Lily on the finger, hard. It was clearly done waiting. She turned away from James, not giving him time to answer, and took the letter. The owl gave one more angry hoot before flying off again. James watched it go, a pensive look on his face. Lily turned to the letter, curious.
"That doesn't look like parchment," James noted casually.
"It's not," Lily answered, puzzled. "It's muggle paper."
Opening the letter, Lily froze. She read the short note through twice, making sure that she wasn't hallucinating. Blinking furiously, Lily stared at the signature, amazed.
"Who's it from?" James asked, his hand on her shoulder. "Lils, you look like you've been run through by a ghost." Lily felt like she'd seen one.
"It's from my sister." Lily said, still not quite believing what she was seeing. "And she's getting married."
"You're sister? The one you're not talking to anymore?"
"Well, she wasn't talking to me anyway." Lily reread the note through again quickly before tears suddenly sprang to her eyes before she could stop them. "She doesn't want me to come," she whispered. Almost instantly, James's strong arms were wrapped around her and her head was resting against his chest. She could feel his heart beating.
"Why would she write you just to tell you not to come?" James asked, his voice tinged with anger.
"She said mom and dad would've been upset if she didn't tell me," Lily answered in muffled tones, her face buried in James. His arms wrapped tighter around her and he rested his chin on her head. She felt instantly better, wrapped in James's warm embrace. Lily's sister was getting married, but as far as Petunia was concerned, she no longer had a sister.
Well, maybe she didn't have a sister anymore, but she had all she needed right here, didn't she? And hadn't he been the one to show her how to live?
Suddenly, she pulled away and looked up at James.
"You know what?" she said in brisk tones. "Carpe diem."
James's eyes lit up. "Fancy a trip to Hogsmeade? We'll miss class of course, but…"
"What's life without a little excitement?"
April, 1978
"Don't get so worked up, Lily. It's not as bad as all the papers make it all sound."
"They're killing muggles, Severus. Of course it's as bad as it sounds!"
Lily and Snape's argument was held in whispers as neither of them wanted to arouse the anger of the strict Madam Pince.
Snape's eyes darkened. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"And I suppose you do? Are you out there with them, Severus?" She glared in his direction across the table.
"No. I'm not. But, Lily, some those muggles… they're cruel. Some muggles-"
"Not all muggles are like your father, Severus. You don't understand at all, do you?" Lily slammed her book shut and stood up abruptly. Snape looked up her, his eyes wide. "I'm not arguing about this with you anymore."
She turned to make her way out of the library but Snape grabbed her sleeve, not hard, but enough to get her to turn.
"Off to see Potter I expect?" He didn't attempt to hide the bitter tone. Lily didn't answer. She didn't have to. "He's an ignorant boy full of naïve ideas about the world," Severus whispered.
"No, Severus. James understands things that you never will." And with that, she pulled her arm free and left the library.
As she made her way through the corridors, Lily couldn't keep thoughts about this so-called Voldemort out of her head. Severus really didn't understand. It was evident even in Hogwarts that things were heading down a dark and dangerous road. It mattered more now what sort of blood you had, what house you were in, who your friends were. Severus had fallen into a dangerous circle of friends. But Lily couldn't help him anymore. He wasn't the same boy she'd met before Hogwarts and he didn't understand her anymore.
But James did and he had purer blood that Severus. James understood more than a lot of people gave him credit for. He understood her.
I don't know how
But you know just how I feel.
Lily entered the Great Hall for lunch and her eyes found James immediately. She smiled and started making her way over when a tall, blond Ravenclaw coming the other way knocked hard into her shoulder as he passed and said under his voice, "Watch where you're going, mudblood."
Lily froze, her expression becoming blank. She wanted to just shake it off but she could see people turning to stare and she was unnerved at how many of the looks she was receiving were unfriendly.
Sticking out,
Like a dark horse in a snow-white field.
She glanced over at James, who was still seated but was looking at her. For some reason, the fact that he hadn't rushed to her rescue made her smile. Lily made her way over to him quickly and said, with a broad smile so that he would know she was only teasing, "What happened to my knight in shining armor?"
James immediately took it for the jest it was meant for. "Oh, I don't think he could make it. His schedule's booked. So many damsels in distress, so little time."
May, 1978
Their school year was coming to an end soon and with it, their time at Hogwarts. It made Lily sad to think about it. She'd never loved a place like she loved Hogwarts and it would be hard to let it go when the time came. So, when May rolled around, Lily began taking every opportunity to explore the castle, even after hours, trying to let everything soak into her memory so she could remember the place forever.
Lily had climbed to the top of the astronomy tower on a whim. Opening the door at the top of the staircase, Lily felt a warm, strong breeze blow her hair out behind her. She closed her eyes and breathed in the fresh, exhilarating air. Lily stepped all the way out of the shelter of the staircase and made her way over the wall overlooking the majestic grounds. It was a beautiful night. For a moment, she simply stood and stared.
But Lily didn't have very nice thoughts running through her head. She was becoming ever more distracted by the looming threat of Voldemort and ever more restless not being able to do anything about it. She knew she could help, and she would at the first opportunity, but for now, it felt as though all she was doing was waiting. As much as she was going to miss Hogwarts, she wouldn't stay even given the opportunity, not when there was so much to be done out in the world.
Stirred up by the breeze,
Strong but not at peace,
Free but unreleased.
Despite the fact that it was the middle of the night, Lily felt energized and antsy. She didn't want to be worrying about her upcoming exams when there were more horrible things happening in the world. She didn't want to be thinking about a career when there were more important things she could be doing.
Behind her, Lily heard the door open, and she knew who it would be without turning around. James walked up behind her and put his arm around her shoulders. She didn't need to ask how he'd found her; she could see the map in his hand.
Neither of them said anything as they stood at the top of the astronomy tower, looking out at the rolling grounds but envisioning a wider world. James made Lily feel even more ready to do something, to go out there and face what was waiting for them. He made her want to live, and she wanted to live doing something worthwhile.
My life is open wide
The more you live, the less you will die.
Outside, floating free,
I'm finally open to see
Could you be any more comfort to me?
They had already talked a lot about their lives after Hogwarts. They both wanted the same thing, to fight, to help. They had said they'd do it together. Lily appreciated that James didn't try to stop her even though they both knew it would be more dangerous than they could imagine. He wasn't her knight in shining armor. He was her rock. And she had come to need him more than she ever thought was possible.
"You'll be there, won't you?"
James didn't need to ask when. "Always, Lily. Until the very end."
July, 1978
Caught up inside, all I want to be
Try to survive, all alone,
Outside your company.
She had been in the Order of the Phoenix for just over a month and already, Lily was beginning to lose sight of things that had been so clear to her at Hogwarts. All her big dreams about doing so much to help seemed to be slipping away from her and she felt utterly worthless sometimes.
She and James, and Sirius, Peter, and Remus, were all living at a discreet headquarters in a secret location with other various members. It was just supposed to be for a few weeks. Lily had wanted to go out and help, and instead she had never felt more cut off from the world. They were doing little things, she supposed. They had recruited a few more members, had prevented a few minor catastrophes, but it all seemed so surreal from inside the dark halls of wherever it was they were staying.
There were times when one of them would have to leave for an unknown amount of time doing something for the Order. Order work was all they did anymore. And as much as Lily was still desperate to help, this wasn't exactly what she'd seen for herself after Hogwarts. But Lily often thought that it was the unknown factor in everything that made all of this so frustrating.
For a few weeks, they lived in darkness. She wanted to see the light again.
When James was there, she had him to lean on. But when he wasn't, she had to rely on the fact that she was trying to help, that she was doing what was right. But it was hard when it was nearly impossible to see the fruits of your labor. It was hard when James wasn't there. Sometimes he would be gone for over a week at a time and Lily would lose sight of things. It was harder being cooped up and she waited for the day when she would be able to fly free from what was quickly becoming a prison.
When James was there, he reminded Lily of what they were fighting for. He reminded her of all the things they'd planned. He reminded her of family, and the prospect of her having one with him one day. Her parents were gone, as was her sister, but idea of family was not lost. She hoped her parents would be proud.
James was the bright light at the end of the tunnel. He reminded her of how far she'd come in just a year.
He held her hand as they walked out of headquarters at the end to July, and out into the world.
Could you be any more comfort to me?
A/N: I hope you liked it. And I hope it's not to long. It just supposed to be short moments throughout the course of one year. Please review and let me know what you thought!