The Super Awesome and totally original Akatsuki Yaoi fic
Pain ran a tired hand through ginger hair before shuffling into the kitchen to find his favorite brand of coffee. No, it was not one of the popular brands. Pain liked his coffee generic, just like the layout of his redundant yet homely base.
Some time during the morning, he began to question the sensibility in having a group of ten S-ranked criminals living together in one place. Surely someone should have found them by now; if not through the use of their chakra signals, then possibly Deidara's constant psychopathic earth shattering explosions which somehow miraculously turned into a love of fireworks and artful displays around the same time as Christmas.
Never mind of course that they had no idea who the hell Christ was.
He had just seated himself at the kitchen table when Hidan proceeded to then waltz in, emitting a jumble of nonsensical drivel that was ever so often punctuated by curses and some random remark on how much of a 'money loving bastard' his partner was.
But really, he was just covering up a deep burning desire to have those eighty-odd year old tendrils ravishing his Jashin obsessed body. Constant defacement of a person's character does mean that you love them after all, silly!
Also, Konan will not be appearing in this fic because everyone knows that she is just a whiny bitch who will spoil all the totally awesome Yaoi fun! Hellz yeah!
Pain rolls his ringed eyes in annoyance at the silver haired man's antics before picking up a news paper. You see even though he is greatly troubled by crime and violence and has dedicated his entire being to the establishment of a peaceful existence, he must perform this seemingly mundane task in order for our next character to have a line!
"What are you reading about?" That's right kids. 'The raven' has arrived. He is of course followed by the man-fish abomination that is Kisame.
They then proceed to have some random discussion about cooking breakfast, which of course ends when Itachi offers to cook for them. Mikoto would be so proud to see those food preparation lessons put to use, after all it does a mother's heart good to see that her son has something from her that he can carry with him always.
For you see, even before fans had learned the real reason behind the Uchiha massacre, it was totally okay to murder your parents in cold blood given you were a hot enough piece of man meat. The people that Zabuza killed weren't his family, but he wasn't even hot so that was just excessive! Geeze, can you say what a bastard?
The doorbell rings, and Zetsu the unofficial doorman goes to see who it is.
The generic mail/milk man whose very existence should have cemented the total stupidity of the ninja world in this fic by continuing to provide fresh milk/cliché subscriptions such as the Jashinist monthly and Origami-
Oh wait, forget that last one.
-I mean puppet newsletters will probably have only one line before being eaten while Tobi comments on how he's a good boy somewhere in the background.
-Commercial break-
Are you looking for a job where there's a very strong possibility that you will be killed on your first day merely as a tool for badly timed and horribly clichéd comic relief? Well come on down to the Ninja Mail Service; where your first delivery will most optimally be your last.
-End commercial break-
Now that breakfast has been made, our remaining members can advance to the kitchen. Sasori doesn't eat, but his stomach is more figurative, and hungers only for one devastatingly hot, sexy blonde bomber.
For all we know his stomach might actually be there. He does seem to offhandedly re-grow body parts that he discarded years ago without a second thought whenever Deidara's around, doesn't he?
No one knows for sure whether or not Zetsu eats real food, or cares for that matter. Either way there's sure to be a few limbs stashed somewhere in the freezer. This will of course most likely be attributed to the fact that Kakuzu is a cheap bastard, and was out hunting random innocents just so that he wouldn't have to buy any real food- that or Hidan's numerous sacrifices that never seem to compromise their position in the least.
Now here they gather, some of the world's most hardened criminals with both haunting pasts and terrifying psyche- killers and thieves, plunderers and terrorists…eating pancakes.
At least the syrup is the colour of blood!
Actually it's more of a fuchsia-russet…..but it's still evil!
The conversation is meaningless in every sense of the word and some of what they talk about doesn't even warrant mention. Yet here is where the most effort is put into the fic; covering Deidara's shampoo brand, Tobi's newest annoying hobby and the cost of some 'necessity' that Kakuzu will no doubt try to acquire a cheap knockoff of.
Suddenly Pain regains a bit of his sanity and remembers that they are supposed to be collecting jinchuuriki! Drama!
"Guys, everyone pair up and go after either Naruto or Gaara since I can't seem to remember the names of the other containers, or which demons they contain for that matter."
"Well there's Nii Yugito the two tailed cat-"
"Shut up Tobi. Even though your character has moments of insight during the actual series before your identity is revealed we're going to pass you off as a complete idiot because it's easier that way!" Pain snapped.
Everyone then runs off to Leaf and Sand villages, except for Pain because he never seems to leave the base except to go to the grocery store.
He then remembers that the Leaf village has excellent grocery stores…and slinks off to find his coupons.
Meanwhile, everyone has been walking, because why bother to run when you'll still reach your destination at the end of the conversation anyway?
Hidan has momentarily fallen silent, which for some reason worries Kakuzu even though he has been constantly telling him to shut up since like, forever. Guess you don't know what you've got till it's temporarily gone.
"Hidan, what's wrong?" he asks in a sudden moment of extreme compassion.
The silver-haired Nin looks into his bloodshot eyes and just knows that he must confess or else it will kill him! Well not really, but who doesn't love a good drama.
"Kakuzu, even though you've done nothing but decapitate me unless it was at your inconvenience, we constantly disagree, and there was no developing storyline or logical explanation for it… I love you. Because what we have is…is…"
"Badly developed sexual tension?" Kakuzu offered.
And then they attacked each other and had hot sweaty man sex right there; with the tendrils and that hardening jutsu and everything!
Aww yeah.
Now that that relationship is pretty much recognized, we move on to Sasori and Dei-chan. They are uncharacteristically caught in the midst of a battle, which is like total bullshit because everyone knows that when romance is in the air all ninja battles cease.
So to get that pesky situation out of the way Sasori releases a thousand poisoned needles whish instantly kills everyone except Deidara.
Because….he's already given him the antidote.
Yeah, let's go with that.
"Thank you for saving me Sasori-danna, un."
All of a sudden, just like that, suddenly, in an instant, without any warning Sasori's eyes met his, and even though he'd chopped it off a long time ago his ding dong went hard….just like those rock hard abs that miraculously came back with it.
Can you say non-consensual sex which is actually kind of consensual but in that dominating way that makes it definitely not quite rape and totally okay?
So anyway they did it too.
Because Deidara calling him master was a definite turn on, and even though Sasori is probably twice his age he still has that fifteen year old body so that's all right.
Afterwards, lying naked in the midst of dying ninjas and brain matter, Deidara tells Sasori that he's loved him forever. Sasori of course, being the patient and adoring man he is, completely sees the necessity of this declaration. He'll keep Pain waiting forever if he feels like it. It totally doesn't go against his principles.
Besides, Deidara's speech impediment is so kawaii!
Let it also be said that Zetsu and Tobi did it as well, but the time that it would take to go into the dimensions of that hideous and awkward process is just not gonna happen.
Time that could be spent talking about the raven!
The sex-god and his pet shark were halfway to the leaf village, because fish was a delicacy in Suna that was extremely hard to come by.
Suddenly the stoic Uchiha who had shown nothing but a cold, ruthless and calculating demeanor since the age of thirteen when he had murdered his clan…..burst into tears.
Aww.
Itachi what's wrong?" Kisame asked while magically producing a tissue. You see, the purpose of teams in the Akatsuki wasn't just to have someone complementing your skills and keeping you in check and focused on mission objectives; they were also a shoulder to cry on. Go ahead and show your weaknesses to a fellow psychopath…..that's what Pain would always say.
"I miss my family" he sobbed. A bit too late for that isn't it?
Of course fan girls are close to tears at this point. How dare his family die because he killed them, leaving him all alone in a cruel, cruel world?
The shark-nin then proceeds to pull him into a hug, providing him comfort…in his pants.
Can you guess who got laid?
There's no proof, but we know that Kisame has a penis. He's shaped like a man right? And he's definitely got something in that general…..area.
Besides, the Uchiha can do no wrong. So this is certainly….not wrong.
The weird sort of submissive behavior on Kisame's part during the series is certainly endearing, and that alone makes their relationship a goldmine for Yaoi potential.
*cough*KabutoandOrochimaru*cough*
Anyway, now that everyone is in an established relationship we move on to Pain who is casually roaming the streets of Konoha. Now you may be wondering why the villagers aren't running and screaming in terror, especially since he's wearing his cloak. Well you see it just so happened that the village itself was in the middle of an epic Yaoi romance which had rendered all ninjas and civilians incapacitated as they abandoned the safety of their village…for love.
On a lesser note, the reason why Pain was there before the others…well, he didn't have any conversations or badly developed sexual tension to get out of the way, so he pretty much stepped right out of his front door into the leaf village.
Besides, who really wants to hear his inner thoughts? They're probably about something totally unnecessary, like his plans for world domination or god forbid something to do with the actual storyline. Lame!
Across the street, a chocolate haired boy ran towards a stoic looking ninja in shades and proceeded to kiss him deeply before the two rode off into the sunset on the back of a giant dog. Well really it was noon, but you get the idea.
He did a double take as he passed by a bridge where Gaara was snuggled up to a boy dressed in full green. It seemed that both jinchuuriki were there after all. He better get a move on with those coupons.
Arriving at Ninja Mart, he picked up a shopping basket and proceeded to retrieve all the items on his coupon list. He had just reached the last one, a pack of dango, when another hand came to settle on his and he looked up-
-and screamed.
What's the moral of this story kids? If you ever get caught in a Naruto Yaoi, stay the hell away from Maito Guy. He is one beast you don't want pounding you into oblivion.
As for the rest of it: Jinchuuriki? What Jinchuuriki?
THE END
Epilogue
"I'm here to apply for the position of the Akatsuki mailman? Yes that's right I'm Konan."