ONE DAY IN SOUTH PARK COLORADO:
Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Icke were standing in the snow, waiting for the bus. Kenny was absent.
"You guys think Kenny is ever gonna show up?" said Kyle.
"I think he got himself killed again, you guys never wemember" suggested Icke, Kyle's baby brother. Cartman groaned.
"Icke, everyone knows you only live twice before aquiring a new body, unless you're a cat in which case you live nine times.
If you're a Jewish cat, like Kyle, you live forever and rule over all mankind with an iron paw, until you are ultimately usurped
by the Coon" said Cartman. Just then, the bus showed up. Mrs. Crabtree lowered a window, and screamed at the kids in her usual screetchy voice.
"You little brotwurst eating brats get into this bus RIGHT NOW" yelled Mrs. Crabtree.
"We're waiting for our friend, Kenny!" exclaimed Stan.
"Do I make myself clear? In the bus, now, or I'll inject you with rabies" yelled Crabtree.
"Guys, we better do as she says. Kenny may be dead, but we all know Crabtree is a big fat angry bitch" said Cartman.
"What did you say?" yelled Crabtree. Cartman chuckled.
"Oh, I'm sorry I'm sorry, I just said that when cats have fleas, they itch" said Cartman.
"Well, yes, they certainly do, now get into this bus" yelled Crabtree. The kids hopped on the bus. Cartman brought his usual chocolate cake with him.
"'Can I have some of that cake, Cartman?" asked Kyle.
"No. Respect my authoritah!" replied Cartman. Stan sighed.
"Kenny loved cake," said Stan. "I sure hope he's okay"
Later, at school:
Mr. Garrison began writing on the board.
"Okay, children, today we're gonna learn about the vowels. It's A, E, I, O, U and sometimes y. Mr. Hat just corrected me.
Actually, nowadays Y feels a little bit left out. So let's focus on how A, E, I, O, and U are bigoted assholes" said Mr. Garrison. Wendy Testaburger gave Garrison a thumbs up signal.
Stan tapped Cartman on the shoulder.
"Hey, do you see Kenny anywhere in class?" asked Stan.
"Kyle's mom is everywhere" replied Cartman.
"Did that evil kid give you PCP again?" asked Stan. Cartman just continued on his merry business, making paper airplanes. Stan tapped Kyle on the shoulder.
"Hey, do you see Kenny anywhere?" Stan asked Kyle.
"No, but I'm sure he's okay" said Kyle. Mr. Garrison spoke up.
"Come now, children, Mr. Hat told me you're not entirely engrossed in the topic of conversation. Now I want you boys
to write a paper on the nature of A, E, I, O, U and their criminal conspiracy to keep Y out of the workforce. Together they are
the Agressively Evil Intolerant Obnoxious Union of Userpers, and only Superman and Mr. Hat can stop their dark powers" said Mr Garrison.
"Superman? Mr. Hat? Why not the Coon?" asked Cartman, raising his hand.
"Because the Coon doesn't exist" replied Mr. Garrison.
"Well, neither does Superman or Mr. Hat!" said Cartman.
"In case you haven't noticed, I dictate reality here. You just earned youself a nice little trip to the principles office, Mister!" said Garrison.
"Principles office? That seems a bit harsh. Cartman's not all bad. Just send him to the counselor" suggested Wendy.
"Oh, okay" said Garrison.
At the counselor:
"What seems to be the problem?" asked Mr Mackey, the counselor.
"There is no problem. I was sent here against my will" replied Cartman.
"Come on, out with it, man, mkay? Ya gotta tell me what's wrong, mkay?" said Mr. Macky.
"Oh, alright. I said that Mr. Hat doesn't really exist" said Cartman.
"Well, that certainly isn't acceptable behavior here, mkay? Mr. Garrison is always right, mkay? So, if you tell him that Mr. Hat doesn't
exist again, that could get you kicked out of South Park Elementary, mkay? My job isn't to tell you how to live your life or anything, but
Mr. Hat is a very real puppet, mkay? He's also very dangerous" said Mackey.
"I always thought Mr. Garrison was just a schizophrenic nutcase" said Cartman. Mackey whispered in Cartman's ear.
"Mr. Hat is all too fucking real, mkay!" whispered Mackey.
Later, at lunch:
"Let's turn on the radio, my mom says a weird meteorite was seen over South Park" said Cartman.
"Shut up fatass, why should we believe you?" asked Stan.
"Because I'm koool. And awesome, as Clyde Frog has pointed out many times" said Cartman, putting on his portable radio. Somehow, they intercepted a station from Canada briefly.
"And that, ladies and gentlemen is how Terrence and Phillip helped General PornWallis win the Canadian Maple Syrup Revolution! And Adolf Zitler finally surrendered!" Eric quickly switched.
It was the news.
"The terrorist group ISIS has changed its name to ICOSOLES after the beloved triangle. In local news, a meteor was seen flying over South Park. This is Jim JabberBlabber, now backto Cindy Mouthwontshut with the traffic reports"
"Wow, I guess it's true. A meteor was seen over South Park!" said Kyle.
"Wow, what if it hit Kenny and cracked his skull?" asked Stan.
"What if Kenny went back to his home planet?" asked Cartman.
"Let's ask Chef for advice" said Kyle. So that's what the boys did.
At Chef's school cafeteria:
"Hello there, children!" said Chef.
"Hey Chef!" said the kids in unison as usual.
"It's salsberry steak day. What can I do for you crackers?" asked Chef.
"I don't want crackers. I want cheese though. And BEEFCAKE!" said Cartman.
"Well, children, do you crackers have a problem?" asked Chef.
"I SAID I DON'T WANT CRACKERS" yelled Cartman.
"That means you're white, Cartman" said Stan.
"I'm white? So I'm a cracker?" said Cartman trying to eat himself.
"Is there a problem, children?" asked Chef. The boys glanced at each other, then nodded.
"Yes, Chef. Chef, what do you do when a friend of yours is missing?" asked Stan.
"Well, children, I've got a song about that!" replied Chef.
Chef started singing:
I really hate being lonely, cuz I start to miss your body. Your well toned thighs and smooth skin, woah-oh-oh lordy!
Gotta get you back with me, woman, so we'll make love baby love baby love love love love love!
"HEY, CHEF! That has nothing to do with what we're talking about" yelled Eric.
"Huh? What? Where am I, children? I think the aliens had me in another dimension" said Chef.
"I concur. We're leaving now, Chef" said Kyle.
That night...the boys set out into the woods, with a flashlight, and Cartman carried Uncle Jimbo's gun.
"Shh, be very very quiet, we're hunting for Kenny. Hopefully Scuzzlebut won't attack us, he has Ann Coulter for a leg" said Cartman.
"Yeah, yeah, sure, let's just try to find the...meteorite! Holy moly! Cartman, look, there's the crashed meteorite!" said Kyle
"Shut up you guys, or I'll go hewm" said Cartman.
"No, really!" said Kyle, pointing towards a small pool of radioactive water where a crashed meteorite piece had landed. Ascending out of the water, was
the spirit of Kenny. In other words, Kenny had been killed, yet again.
"Meteorite, you killed Kenny. You bastard!" said Stan.
ATTENTION, mortals! I am the ghost of Kenny. You must hop into the portal before you, and avenge my death. I carried
the secret of life that could have returned Earth to its pristine state as it was in the beginning, but the evil rhino
people did not want me to one day reveal that truth. Go forth into the portal, and enter Planet X, and defeat
the Rhino King. The spirit of Kenny vanished. Then, a rhino monster came out of the portal.
"NONE SHALL ENTER. Unless you give me...about tree fitty" said the rhino creature.
"What's tree fitty?" asked Kyle.
"Three dollars and fifty cents. PSYCHE! I'm the Loch Ness Monster, and now I'll take over your world!" said the Loch Ness.
"Oh...my...god! We need to tell Chef's parents about this" said Eric.
Part 2 coming soon.