A/N: Excuse any mistakes as it is 4am my time and I just really wanted to get this story out. Enjoy!
I was sixteen when I met him and seventeen when I loved him.
There's something funny about things like these, or maybe it's just me. I could almost say that if it had happened any other way then it would almost be adorable, cute even. When I first laid my eyes on him I had just thought, 'He's so cool.' He was older and he had this aura about him that just attracted people. I can honestly say that I didn't have any feelings for him at all. At that point in my life I hadn't really thought much about my sexuality. When my friends bragged about their girlfriends or checked girls out I simply went with the flow. I could say, "Yeah, she's cute." and I pretty much lived off that line. I had kissed girls and it had been okay, I just didn't particularly care.
Then along came Bella. She was truly cute. I felt like she was the most gentle, adorable girl I had ever laid eyes on. I liked being with her, a lot. Her first month here we saw quite a lot of each other, but then it stopped. Charlie began coming down by himself and when I would go up with my dad she would be gone. It was bitter sweet because while I knew that I liked her, I didn't really care at the same time. So, I moved on. Then I began to notice the guys around me. I knew that it was different. I was attracted to them physically and it scared me. I didn't understand why this was happening. Why all of a sudden I had these urges.
I pushed it to the back of my mind. It was quite easy since most of the guys that I knew were like brothers to me. Then, he came along with Bella one day. I was hanging out with my friends when Bella showed up with a bunch of her own friends.
"Jake!" Bella said as we ran into each other. "How you been?"
"Good. You?" I asked.
"Great." She said giving me her biggest smile and then I noticed the guy she was tugging behind her. "Oh, Jake, this is my boyfriend Edward."
"Nice to meet you." He said as he extended his hand to me.
"Same." I said as I shook his hand.
"Bella tells me that you were her first friend when she got here."
"Jake's like my little brother." She said. "Are you here with anyone?" She asked.
"My friends." I said as I pointed to the group of them goofing around. "I'll introduce you."
"Bella!" A girl shrieked.
A guy was chasing her with something and Bella laughed at the scene.
"Go on. I'll catch up." She said and went to her friend.
When Bella got close enough the girl used her as a shield against the boy. They both toppled over and fell into fits of giggle.
"That's Angela." Edward said. "She's her best friend."
"I'm surprised she made friends." I said honestly as we started to walk towards my friends.
"She's really shy." He said agreeing with me.
"How did you guys get together?" I asked.
"It just kind of happened." He said as he shrugged his shoulders. "We hadn't really talked much besides small talk during Biology class when one day I saved her life."
"You saved her life?"
"Yeah. A friend of ours lost control of his vehicle and went straight towards her. I was just jogging back to my car because I had forgotten my phone when I saw everything play out before me."
"Wow. Talk about good timing."
"Tell me about it." He chuckled. "I sprinted towards her and was able to tackle her just as the car crashed into her truck."
"Sounds pretty epic." I said in awe as I began to see him in a different light.
"I guess." He said as he smiled. "We had to go to the hospital after that. We had a couple of bruises and scratches. Bella hit the ground pretty hard. I felt really bad about it, but my dad assured us that it wasn't anything serious."
"That's good. Your dad's a doctor?"
"Yeah." He said as he nodded. "Her truck was out of commission obviously and so, I offered to drive her to school and back to her house."
"That's cool of you."
"And just like that we were dating."
"Awesome." I said.
At that moment, I felt like I was with someone who was pretty damn awesome. He was everything that defined being cool. After that day we started a friendship. Bella, Edward and I became a type of trio deal. If they were going to a party I was sure to be there and vice versa. They were at every bonfire and we all pretty much lived at Edward's house. There were times when Bella would have to leave because of her curfew and I could still hang around, those moments quickly became my favorite. That's when I began to fall for him, hard.
There was nothing special about those moments that stand out now. I just know that in those moments I began to know Edward. He was a different person without Bella around. He relaxed more and he seemed to be carefree. When we were with Bella he was in his best behavior and without her he was at his worst. While he tiptoed around Bella with me he let loose. One night we broke into his dad's liquor stash and drank until we were tripping all over his room.
"Shh!" Edward hissed and giggled at the same time as we heard someone coming up the stairs.
"Edward?" His mom said as she knocked lightly on his door.
"Yeah." Edward mumbled.
"Is Jacob spending the night?" She asked. "It's getting late and you know how we feel about you driving at night."
"Yeah, I am." I said sort of slurred and Edward slapped my shoulder.
"We just called his dad and he said it was okay." Edward said.
"Okay. Don't stay up too late." She said and then waited until we heard her decent the stairs.
"You almost gave us away." Edward laughed as he put me in a headlock. "I should kick your ass. You know how much trouble I would get into?"
"Fucker." I laughed as I tried to wiggle out of his hold. "You lucky that I'm too intoxicated to kick your ass."
"Shut up, kid." He laughed and let go of me.
I feel to the floor and remained there, too drunk to even stand up.
"Did we really call my dad? I don't remember." I laughed.
"Yeah, right when we began to drink and we knew that I wouldn't be able to drive you home." He said. "You're obviously wasted. I'm cutting you off."
"I don't want to drink anymore, anyways."
"Ahuh." He laughed.
Edward joined me on the floor as we both laid down and stared at his ceiling. The ceiling looked like it was shaking and it made my body feel weird. I was starting to get sick and so I let my head fall to the side. Edward was looking at me and I smiled at him drunkenly.
"You're fucking beautiful." I slurred and Edward laughed.
"I think it's time for bed." He said as he wobbly stood up and pulled me with him.
"How are we going to hide our hangover tomorrow?" I said as I rested against him as he walked us over to his bed.
"My parents are going out early in the morning."
"Good." I said as fell onto his bed pulling him down with me.
"Just don't puke in my bed."
"I won't promise anything." I said as I closed my eyes.
He slipped out of my arms and heard him turn off the lights before joining me in bed.
"Good night." He said.
I was already too tired to reply as I let sleep overcome me.
We had a lot of those nights and some of them even included Bella. Everything just felt great until that moment, that day. We had been out hiking. We stopped to eat, a nice picnic that Bella had prepared for us. Everything was great, a bit chilly, but then everything changed. To be honest, we should have known better. We had all heard about the bear attacks around the area.
"What was that?" Bella asked as we heard a rumble in the woods.
"Probably an animal." I said.
"What kind of animal?" Bella asked.
I could tell that she was getting scared. Edward and I glanced at each other silently agreeing to gather everything up.
"We should get going." Edward said as he began putting everything back in the bag. "It's getting late."
"Did you hear that?" Bella whispered as she shot to her feet.
"Bella, relax…" I began, but stopped as she gasped.
We all looked over where she was looking and saw the bear. It stood just on the other side of the clearing.
"Don't move." Edward said.
The bear sniffed the air and locked eyes with us.
"It can smell the food." I said as it began walking toward us.
We shot to our feet quickly. Bella screamed and it began running towards us. She made a move to run and tripped over the bag of food. I quickly went to grab her just as the bear tackled us. The air was knocked out of me as I felt it hit my chest and slam me against the ground. I had not time to recover as I realized that it stood above me. It stood up on its legs to stomp on me and I raised my arms up trying to protect my head. It latched on to my arm and I screamed at the pain. There was a sickening snap and I could feel its teeth break through my skin as it began trying to rip my arm off.
"Get away!" Edward screamed as he made himself look tall and waved his arms like a mad man. Suddenly the bear jumped back.
Edward pulled me to my feet and we began to run. The bear didn't pay us more attention as I saw it rip apart the lunch bag.
"Are you okay?" Edward asked
Our run had turned into a jog as he struggled to drag me. I felt really weak and I honestly wanted to stop moving, but I knew we couldn't. The bear could be back any second. We had to get away.
"Fine." I grunted.
"It doesn't look good." Bella cried.
"We just have to keep going." Edward said as he adjusted my arm over his shoulder. "We're almost to the car."
"Do you think it's following us?" I asked.
"I don't think so." He said.
I looked down at my arm and stopped myself from screaming. It hung limply next to me and I was bleeding heavily. My breathing was becoming irregular and hard. I looked over at Bella and noticed that she was pretty banged up. She had a couple of scratched on her and one of them was bleeding really badly too.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"It just stings." She said as she rolled her sleeve down and placed her hand over the cut. "It won't stop bleeding."
At some point I lost consciousness. I remember being carried, but after that nothing. It wasn't till later at night when I woke up.
"Where am I?" I asked as I came to.
"The hospital." Edward answered.
"Where's Bella? Is she okay?" I asked worried.
"She's fine. My dad bandaged her arm up and Charlie took her home."
"That's good." I said as I sat up and noticed that my arm was in a cast. "Shit."
"Your arm broke at the elbow. There won't be much scarring even from the bite."
"Okay, doctor." I laughed and then began coughing.
"You have a high fever." Edward said as he handed me a cup of water.
"Why are you still here?" I asked.
"You passed out." Edward said. "Bella and I thought that… We were so scared. I just wanted to see you wake up."
His words filled my heart with warmth. It was strange. I didn't quite understand it until we locked eyes. There was something there, but I couldn't really grasp it. I just knew that he was here with me and it made me happy.
I knew then that I never wanted him to leave. I know now that I fell in love that night. After that nothing was ever the same. I was sick for a while, but recovered from my fever. My dad kept a tight leash on me after that. I knew that he was just being over protective, having your child almost mauled could do that. So, I let it go. I just didn't like that it meant that I couldn't see Edward much. Bella came over often, but him not so much. Bella said that he was busy with school since he was applying early to colleges. He was that smart, so smart, those colleges were recruiting him. But it wasn't only me he wasn't seeing.
"I see the cast has come off." Bella said as she walked into my room.
"Yup." I said proudly as I took my hand out of the sling. "Hardly any scarring like Edward said."
There were only two puncture wounds where the canines had pierced my skin.
"Same here." She said as she rolled up her sleeve.
There was a thin line along her forearm where the bear's claw had dug in and sliced her open.
"How are you doing?" I asked. "You look down."
"It's Edward." She sighed as she sat down next to me.
"What's going on?"
"I don't know really." She said as she shrugged her shoulders. "I just feel like he's planning and doing all these things that don't include me."
"Like what?"
"Like college stuff. Did you know that he already got accepted to all the schools he applied to?"
"No."
I hadn't talked to him for weeks now.
"He was so excited when he told me. Don't take me wrong I'm proud of him."
"But?"
"But… He hasn't asked me anything. He hasn't asked what school I want to go… We haven't talked about us. What's going to happen after graduation? I don't know what he's thinking."
"Maybe he's just focusing in school stuff." I said as I shrugged my shoulders.
I was the last person she should be talking to about this. I didn't know a thing about being in a relationship.
"I know, but would it kill him to talk to me? We hardly go out anymore. The only time we hang out is during school and when he drops me off at my house. He comes in and we chill for a while before he says that he needs to go home. Like, hello? I'm here. Don't you care about me?"
"Maybe you should tell him all of this."
"I'm sorry." She laughed as she placed her hand on my knee. "I shouldn't drag you into our drama. Don't tell him anything, okay?"
"I won't."
She honestly didn't have to worry about me telling him anything. The next time I ever talked and saw him was at their graduation. I wasn't really allowed to talk to him. Bella and Edward broke up before the event. On that day she clung on to me, never really leaving my side. I really wanted to congratulate him, but I didn't want to upset her. She was already having a hard time and to be honest, she was a mess. She was being reckless and I knew it was all a show. She just wanted Edward to see her be unaffected by their break up. That's why she dragged me to his graduation party. Alice had invited us and she was quite attached to Bella. She was younger than me and really looked up to Bella as a sister. She was a freshman in high school that year.
"I'm glad you guys could make it." Alice said as she welcomed us in.
"Only a freshman and already throwing house parties?" I teased her.
"Lucky my brother is popular. These are mostly your classmates, but I have some of my own running around." She beamed.
"Where is the party boy?" Bella asked.
"He's out there somewhere." Alice said and then was dragged away by a friend of hers. "Snacks in the other room!" She shouted over the music as she disappeared into the crowd.
"Do you really want to be here?" I asked.
"I'm not going to let Edward stop me from having fun." She said and walked off.
"Great." I mumbled as I looked around me.
I tried to mingle, but every one was mostly dancing or already in their own little groups. I was glad when I spotted Bella with some of her friends on the dance floor. This had actually been a good idea, at least for her. It was nice to see her smile and actually have fun. I turned to scan the room and spotted Edward going upstairs. I looked back at Bella and figured she wouldn't miss me.
"Shouldn't you be downstairs with the rest?" I said as I walked into Edward's room.
"Not really feeling it."
"But it's your party." I laughed.
"My sister's party." He corrected with a smirk. "So, how is she doing?" He asked.
"She's good." I lied.
Right now I was her friend and I didn't want to ruin that. Edward was the one who had stopped talking to me. I didn't feel like I owed him anything.
"That's… good."
"Well, I really just wanted to congratulate you."
"Thanks." He said. "I know I have no right to ask, but are you and her a thing? I saw you guys at graduation. You guys seemed pretty close."
"Do you really have to ask?" I said annoyed. "You guys just broke up four months ago."
"Sorry."
"If you care about her so much then why did you break up with her?"
"It's complicated. Maybe when you get older you'll understand…"
"Don't give me that crap. I'm seventeen and you're just a year older. How much more can you know than me?" I scoffed.
"Get out."
"What?" I asked surprised.
"I don't have to explain myself to you. Just get out."
"And here I thought we were friends." I laughed and pulled out the present I had for him. "Here."
I threw it on his bed. Bella and I had been out in Port Angeles and found a store with cool accessories. I found a bracelet that I knew Edward would like. I thought it was a cool graduation gift. I bought it without Bella knowing.
"I'm sorry." Edward said. "Over these two years you have become one of my closest friends, but I always assumed that you would take Bella's side."
"I wouldn't have." I said quietly. "But you made it that way. You stopped talking to me, too. Why?"
"Jake, I'm eighteen. Just like you I'm barely trying to figure life and myself out. I'm going to college and things are going to change."
"So, we're not good enough for you?"
"I don't expect you to understand." Edward sighed.
"You're not telling me anything! You're being fucking vague as fuck!" I said frustrated.
"I don't know what else to tell you."
He looked so sad and it was annoying me. He wasn't he same guy he was months ago. The old Edward would have caused butterflies in my stomach and this Edward made me want to punch him. I was mad at him for hurting Bella and pissed that he didn't want to be my friend.
"There's nothing to say. You're going to be a big shot college dude and that's it. Have a good life. Congratulations."
That's the last time I ever talked to him. The last time I saw him. I thought Bella would be next, but then I realized that she skipped out on college. Summer came and went while Bella still stayed. She never told me, but I never asked either. She wouldn't have answered; she hardly talked. I could easily describe her as zombie-like. Some days she scared me and on others she made me sad. I hated seeing her like that. I knew she was dragging me down with her, but I couldn't leave her. I couldn't do what Edward did to her. That's why when it came time to apply for colleges, I didn't.
"I got in!" Quil shouted as he walked into my house. "Berkeley here I come!"
"That's so cool." I said.
"Boo. Santa Cruz all the way!" Embry said.
"I can't believe that in a couple more months we will be college men." Quil said.
"Not all of us." Embry said and shoved me.
"Have you heard back from any schools?" Quil asked.
"No." I lied.
"What schools did you apply to anyways?" Embry asked.
"Nearby. I didn't want to go to far." I lied. "I'm starving. Want anything?" I asked changing the subject.
I walked into the kitchen and got their drinks.
"Anyways, what are you going to do about Bella?" Quil asked.
"What do you mean?" I asked as I sipped on my coke.
"Well, aren't you and Bella a thing?" He asked.
"No." I said surprised. "Why would you think that?" I asked.
"Dude, come on! You guys spend every second together. I'm surprised she isn't here right now."
"She's at work. Her dad made her get a job since she wasn't going to school."
"Well, it was about time she stopped mopping around on her ass." Embry scoffed.
"She's been…"
"Having a hard time." Quil and Embry said as they rolled their eyes.
"I don't always say that, do I?"
"You've been saying that for the past year." Quil laughed. "Seriously she should have been over Edward a long time ago."
"Yeah." Embry agreed.
"Dude, she's been stringing you along." Quil said as he shook his head at me.
"No she hasn't." I said.
"You're like her lap dog. Always doing everything for her. She calls, you go. Sounds like a dog to me."
"I'm trying to be a good friend that's all."
"Maybe it's time you stopped." Embry said.
I looked at him and he only looked away. Embry and I were… complicated. We had been friends since we were kids, but we sort of had a falling out. It was around the same time Edward and Bella came into the picture. Embry didn't hang out with our usual friends and I kind of ditched them as well. When I started coming around more often so did him. It was almost like meeting a different person. We both had changed in that year. And we both had a secret. I knew that he would never be team Bella… or I for that fact. We were on a completely different team.
"I can't leave her, you know that." I said quietly.
Embry was my closest friend. He knew everything.
"I know." He sighed.
"I don't know why you just don't ditch her. We're going to college anyways." Quil said. "I don't see her doing anything with her life."
"Don't be mean." Embry said.
"What? I'm saying the truth." Quil raised his hands in surrender. "Anyways, I need to go. I need to tell my mom the great news." He said.
"Jake." Embry said once Quil was gone. "You haven't applied to any schools have you?"
"I have…"
"Don't lie to me." Embry said as he shot to his feet. "I know you and I know you're lying."
"Fine." I said. "I haven't and I'm not planning on it."
"Is it because of Bella?"
"Yeah." I sighed as I got up. "I can't do what he did."
"Don't you realize how crazy that sounds?"
"She's my friend."
"She's not your fucking responsibility!" Embry screamed as he threw his drink against the wall.
"Embry." I said surprised as I stepped back.
"I'm done." He said as he clenched his hands into fists. "I'm not doing this anymore."
"What are you talking about?"
"Us!" He screamed as he waved a hand between us. "It was fun being friends with benefits and maybe I hoped that it would lead to more, but this is too much."
"How?"
"As a partner I'm tired of waiting for you to get the picture. All you care about is Bella. As a friend, I can't do this anymore."
"You don't want to be my friend?" I asked.
"I'm not going to watch you waste your life."
"I'm not the first person not to go to college." I said.
"You don't see it, do you?" Embry said as he shook his head and ran a hand through his hair.
"Enlighten me then."
"You're letting Bella drag you down. The world doesn't revolve around her! You do realize that, right?"
"What do you expect me to do?"
"Let her go."
"I can't!" I said frustrated.
"You don't want to be like Edward, I get it. You're not him. Edward was Bella's boyfriend and he broke her heart. You don't owe her anything. I know you feel like you have this morbid mutual bond because he left you, too."
"What are you talking about?"
"He broke your heart, too."
I laughed after he said that to me because at that time I hadn't realized how deeply I really felt about Edward. We argued some more after that, but it didn't go anywhere. He walked out my door and out of my life. It was awkward. Everybody thought he just had a falling out. It sucked because it felt like I was reliving the same situation with Edward. But this was worse. I missed Embry as my friend, but I missed other things as well. The way he would tease me before leaning in for a kiss. The urgency of his hands as we stole away for quick make-out sessions. I just missed everything about him.
His words stuck with me. I never really gave much thought to Edward. I just shrugged him off as an asshole. Embry's words kept ringing in my head. I had Edward on such a high petal stool that of course he had to fall and he fell hard. And that did break my heart. Everything changed for me after that. Once I realized that I too had been hurt, I knew that I needed to get out. I couldn't become what Bella was. I needed to let go of him. That was the most painful decision of my life, moving on.
"How was work?" I asked.
"It was okay." She said and then turned to face me. "Why have you been avoiding me?" She asked.
"What?"
"You haven't replied to my texts for days and you haven't talked to me in a week."
"We're talking right now."
"Because I practically forced myself into your house." She accused. "I'm drenched."
"I was in the bathroom. It took me a while to change and come get the door." I said as I wrapped a blanket around her.
"This wouldn't have happened if you had picked up your phone." She whined.
'I'm not your boyfriend.' I thought as I rolled my eyes.
"So, what's going on?" I asked.
"Nothing. I just missed my friend."
"I'm sorry that I haven't been around. I've been busy…" I started and then stopped.
'Fuck.' I thought. I was about to sound like Edward. He had told her the same thing. Just like him I have been busy with school stuff. I barely made the deadline for applying for colleges. That's where all my time had been spend on.
"Busy with what?" She asked.
I wanted to lie, but I couldn't anymore. I was done being her babysitter.
"School. I was trying to apply to as many colleges as I could before the deadlines."
"School?" She said in disbelief. "I thought you were taking a year off?"
"Not anymore."
"You're leaving?" She said and shot to her feet. "You're leaving me?"
"I'll come back to visit and we could Skype." I offered.
"It won't be the same."
"I know."
"How can you do this to me?" She said as she began to cry.
"Bella, hey, calm down." I said as I stood.
"I thought… I thought we had something."
"What are you talking about?" I asked confused.
"Don't you care about me? I care about you. Jacob, I love you."
"Bella, I love you, too…"
I barely had the words out when she slammed her lips against mine. It startled me and threw me out of balance. I caught myself against the wall and Bella pressed harder against me. The kiss was awkward. She was trying to pry my mouth opened, but I kept it closed. My lips moved on their own, but only to try to tell her to stop. I pushed her back gently and wiped my mouth.
"You can't leave me now." She said with a smile. "We have to make this work."
"But." I said as I placed my hand on her shoulders. "That's what I was going to say."
"Huh?"
"Before you kissed me. I was going to say, but." I clarified. "I love you as a friend."
"How? We've spent this whole year together. I thought…"
"Bella, I never once made a move on you. Don't you think that I would have if I had feelings for you?"
"I thought you were just shy." She said.
"I'm not shy." I said and kept from laughing.
Embry would testify to that.
"I thought maybe the age difference was intimidating to you or the fact that I dated Edward. You guys were close friends."
"Can't you leave the whole Edward thing alone? Why are you still hung up on him?" I said and then quickly closed my mouth. "Sorry, it just came out."
"Is that what you've been thinking this whole time?" She asked. "Have you been pitying me?"
"Bella, no. You're my friend. I wanted to be there for you."
"Then why? Is there someone else?" She asked.
"No. Bella, there's nothing wrong with you."
"There has to be! First Edward and now you? Why does everyone leave me?" She cried.
"Bella, I'm gay." I sighed.
"What?"
"I can't have you think that this is your fault. You're perfect." I said and tried to wipe her tears away, but she pushed my hands aside. "I don't like girls."
"I can't believe this." She laughed.
"Are you okay?" I asked confused by her actions.
"Again." She laughed. "Great. You, too."
"Me, too?"
"Edward!" She screamed. "Edward was a fag, too!"
"Edward was…"
"A fucking fag!" She screamed. "Just like you."
"Bella don't do this." I pleaded. This wasn't her. She wasn't a hateful person.
"Do what? Huh? It doesn't fucking matter! You don't love me. You never will because you're a fag!"
I knew that she was hurting. That she was lashing out because he was mad, but I could only take so much of her childish tantrum.
"Bella, if you don't stop…"
"You're going to kick me out?" She said and threw my blanket at me. "I'm leaving. I'll tell you the same thing I told him… I don't ever want to see your disgusting face again!"
There was nothing I could do. I remember standing there and hearing the slamming of the door echo through out my house. I was in disbelief about the whole situation. I felt so shitty, but I didn't follow her. That was the end of out friendship and the start of my life. I came out to my dad shortly after that. He took it okay, not well, but he still loved me. While my relationship with my father became awkward, with my sisters it was better. They became my support system. I couldn't be happier. The last months of school passed by quickly. My graduation was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, but it was beyond that. When I think back all I see is Bella.
"Here's too us!" Quil shouted as he flung his cap into the ocean.
"Us!" Embry said as he flung his own cap into the ocean.
The rest of us followed. We laughed and hugged each other. I still couldn't believe that this was happening. I was sure that I would not be leaving, but now in a couple more weeks I would be moving into my dorm. I was excited and terrified all in one.
"Food is ready!" Emily shouted at us.
"God! I'm starving." Quil said and ran back to the party.
"Have you heard from her?" Embry asked as we began to walk.
"No. I haven't since that day." I sighed.
"How do you feel about that?"
"It sucks." I laughed. "But, at the same time I'm over it. Dude we're going off to college. That's all I can think about."
"Good." Embry said and wrapped his arm around my shoulders.
I was glad that our friendship was back on, but a little saddened that we were no longer messing around. I hated that I had missed out on such a good guy. I was really jealous of Riley.
"It's so cold." Riley said as he shivered and Embry quickly wrapped his arms around him. "I can't wait to be in Santa Cruz. I am not going to miss this horrible weather."
"We didn't expect it to be this cold." I said.
When our families had decided on throwing us a graduation party we couldn't think of anywhere else, but the beach. We had all pretty much grown up here and it was a second home for us.
"We might cut it short." Sam said. "It looks like there's a storm coming."
He pointed out to the ocean. The water was wild as it crashed painfully against the cliffs. The wind was stronger, but nothing we weren't used to.
"Would somebody jump off those cliffs?" Riley asked.
"They would be crazy." I answered.
"Then someone better stop that girl." He said and pointed up to the cliffs.
There was a girl there. I couldn't really make her out. I just noticed her tiny frame and her long hair that slapped around the wind.
"She's not going to jump." Embry said.
I didn't think she would either, but then she extended her arms and stepped closer.
"Oh, shit!" Sam said and dropped his food. "Call the coast guard or the police!"
He was running up the small hillside to where she stood.
"Oh my god." Riley shrieked and buried his face behind Embry.
"I'm going." I said and ran after Sam.
"Jake, wait!" I barely heard Embry say.
I was right behind Sam, as we got closer. There was no way we were going to let someone do something so stupid. I wasn't sure if they intended suicide or they simply just wanted a thrill, but we had to stop them. I was right along side Sam when the girl finally turned around.
"Bella!" I shouted as seeing it was her stopped me. "What are you doing?"
Her eyes were closed and she didn't seem to hear me. I could barely hear myself. The waves were louder and the wind was howling. She was gone before Sam and I could even get close.
"Shit." Sam said as he fell to the ground in surprise.
"Bella! Bella!" I screamed as I ran past him and towards the cliff.
I kicked off my shoes and pulled off my shirt. I was ready to jump off when I was tackled to the ground.
"Stop." Embry said.
"What are you doing? Get off me!" I screamed as I tried to get out of his hold.
"It's too dangerous."
"Who cares? I need to go get her!" I said as I pushed him back so that I could sit up.
"Jake…"
"I need to fucking save her!" I begged as I tried to push him off me.
"Jake." He said and forced me to look at him. "It's too late."
I looked at the cliff that was empty. My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. It was painful and I let out a groan. I could hear people's screams and cries. I cringed back and looked at him.
"Why? Why?" I cried as I buried my head against his chest.
He didn't say anything as I cried. I cried for a really long time. I don't think I ever really did stop. Things like that are traumatizing. I couldn't go near the beach without having panic attacks. It was as if I was transported back to that day all over again. I felt sad for a long time and then I felt angry for a longer time. At the end, I was just confused. I didn't understand why she would do that. I wondered what had driven her to that point. I wanted to blame someone, anyone besides her. I blamed Edward and then I blamed myself.
"Hey." I said as I walked in.
"How's school? Did you end up joining the football team?" Charlie asked.
"I tried it, but it wasn't my thing."
"Your father was really excited about it."
"I know." I sighed as I sat down. "He gave me lip about it."
"How has he been?" Charlie asked.
"Good. He's with my sisters right now." I said.
It was weird being here without my dad, but I had to. There was no way I could miss out on coming by during the holidays. They might have had a falling out over a girl, but I wasn't choosing sides. I didn't even blame Sue. She was always kind and loving. I knew why my father had fallen for her, but I knew why she had fallen for Charlie. They had both lost someone dear to each other around the same time. Her husband died suddenly of a heart attack when Bella had committed suicide. Ironically, my dad had been the one to introduce them. They just had a lot to bond over. It helped that Charlie won over her kids easily enough.
I didn't know them well enough, but La Push was small enough that I knew of them. Leah was years older than me. She had once dated Sam before he ended up with her cousin. That had caused quite the stir around our reservation. Seth was a couple years younger than me. I had seen him around, but I hadn't really socialized with him. We had only become closer because of my visits to Charlie's house.
"Jake!" Seth said as he ran down the stairs.
Charlie had stepped out to help Sue with the groceries.
"Little man." I said as we hugged each other. "Not so little man anymore."
"I'm just a man now." He said as he winked at me.
I simply laughed. Seth was gay. I remember when Charlie called me and asked me how to deal with it. I had told him about my experience with my dad and Charlie had been the complete opposite. He was supportive and loving. My dad was more like 'don't ask don't tell'.
"Where's Leah?" I asked.
"At Paul's." He said rolling his eyes. "I can't believe she's dating him. I don't know what she sees in him. He's such a tool."
"Love is blind." I said.
"Tell me about it." He sighed and then grinned as he pulled me off to the side. "I need to tell you something big."
"What?" I asked curious.
"I'm dating someone."
"Who?" I asked skeptical and I crossed my arms over my chest.
"Don't be like that." He said as he slapped my shoulder. "Riley introduced us."
"Embry's Riley? How do you know him?" I asked.
"I ran into them when they were down here once. They had the hottest guy with them. His name is Jasper."
"So, this is a college guy. How old are you again?"
"I'm seventeen and he's twenty."
"He's older than me!" I said harshly and he placed his hand over my mouth.
"By like one year, relax. Anyways, it all has been long distance. Don't go thinking dirty things. We haven't even kissed." He said.
"Seth, are you sure he isn't just playing with you? College guys don't really look for serious relationships."
"You don't know him." He said as he glared at me. "He's so nice. He has a southern charm, total gentleman."
"Ahuh."
"All the things you told me he has said. He's in college and he goes out. He's not with anyone, but it's not like nothing is going to happen. It's the same for me. Dude, I'm seventeen barely dealing with the real world. He understands me and I understand him."
"So, you're not official?" I asked.
"No."
"You don't care if he hooks up with other people?"
"No."
"Are you serious?" I asked in disbelief.
"I don't know how to explain it to you. When we talk, we talk for hours. When we Skype we simply sit in front of the computer doing our homework together. Sometimes he helps me with mine. We talk about our life, goals, dreams, thoughts, ideas and anything in between. There's something so easy about being with him. It's so natural almost like breathing. He feels it, too, but he knows that right now is not the right time for us. He says I'm too young and haven't lived yet. He doesn't want to take anything away from me."
I didn't know what to say. All I could do was stare at him. Seth had always been mature for his age, but now he seemed years older.
"Just be careful, okay?" I said.
"I will."
"Jake, can you come here for a minute?" Charlie said.
"What's up?" I said as I walked back into the living room.
"I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by giving you this, but I think you should read it." He said and handed me a peace of paper.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Seth found it when he was rearranging his room. He noticed that one of the floorboards squeaked more than the others and found that it was loose. He pulled it up and found it. It's a letter from Bella."
"Are you sure you want me to read it?" I said nervously as I looked at the folded paper in my hand.
"Jake, I know you blamed yourself for her decision. You told me that on the day of her funeral." He said as he placed a hand on my shoulder. "It's time you knew the truth."
"Okay."
"Read it on your own time. When you're done just do whatever you want with it."
I slipped the paper into my back pocket where it weighed me down. I could feel it for the rest of the night. I exchanged presents with them and took my leave shortly after that. I still had to make dinner with my family. It wasn't until late at night when my family was asleep that I pulled it out. I stepped out of the house and made the treacherous walk to the beach. My heart was racing and my hands were clammy despite the cold weather. When I reached the beach I hesitated. I wasn't sure I was ready, but the letter felt heavier. I let it guide me to the place that I needed to be; up in that cliff once again.
I'm not sure why I'm even writing this. No one will ever read it. Really? Who's going to lift a floorboard? I would be surprised if anyone ever stepped foot in my room after I do it. But I guess deep down I want someone, anyone to know why. Why? Because life fucking sucks, that's why. Selfish? Hell yeah I am. I hate myself for it… I hate myself for a lot of things. I've done so many stupid things… things that should have never happened if Edward… why does it always come back to him? I fucking hate him. But despite that, I can't blame him now. I can't blame anyone else, but myself. I'm the one who slept with Mike for no goddamn reason. Did you know he was dating Jessica? No? Well, I did. And did I fucking care? Nope. What's wrong with me? Why would I lose my virginity like that? Edward was the one who was supposed to have that, but… he broke up with me instead. Hilarious. His parents weren't home for the weekend and his sister was going to be at a friend's house. It was so perfect. I came out of the bathroom in beautiful lingerie that Angela had helped me pick out. I was totally uncomfortable, but I still did it. I wanted it to be good for him, too. It was going to be his first time as well. I was waiting for him to compliment me, or anything, but instead he sat me down. Told me he couldn't do it because he was gay. Now, that's a night to remember! I was humiliated. I was confused and hurt. We were together for over a year! For a whole year he strung me along. But a lot of things made sense when he told me. For one, the fact that he wouldn't kiss me often. Second, why he always seemed to want to have Jacob around. Oh, I didn't tell you, right? He was in love with my fucking best friend!
I had to stop reading as I took a seat. I couldn't believe what I had just read. Edward was in love with me? This information made my head spin.
Well, he couldn't have him. Jacob was mine! I made sure he knew that. I was happy to rub our friendship in his face, but then it didn't matter. He left and never turned back. A part of me hoped that he loved me enough to change. I wanted him to change. I wanted to go back to how things were. I guess that was when I had decided that I didn't want to deal with the real world. So, I shut it out. How do you live like a zombie? Just smile and eat enough that people won't notice. But then, I began wanting. I wanted to feel again. Jacob was okay, he made me feel loved, but I needed more. That's when Mike came along then came jumping into strangers' motorbikes. I even got Jacob to build some with me. He had no idea that I was just an adrenaline junkie. I used him a lot and to be honest, I thought I was doing him a favor. Surprise! Surprise! He's gay, too! I practically threw myself at him. I'm working; feeling like I'm getting my life together when this shit happens! Why? It's like I can't be happy! The two people I fall for just don't give a fuck! How many times is my heart supposed to be broken? How many times must I fall into this black pit? It fucking sucks! Everything fucking sucks! And I'm tired. I don't want to try again. I don't want to pretend like I'm okay. I don't see the light.
I stop and breathe, knowing that her thoughts have turned dark. I just can't figure her out. I still don't understand and I'm scared to continue reading.
I just feel heavy. I don't want to get up. I don't want to go to school and I don't want to go to work. I don't want anything. I don't want to do anything. How am I supposed to function? How am I supposed to live? I have nothing to live for. I have no goals and no dreams. I'm so lost and I don't think I can be found. It's too late for me. It's been too late. I've always thought about it, but never really gone through with it. Today seems like a good day. The weather is perfect, more like horrible. I hate everything about this place! I'm not sure why I stuck around even when my dad threatened to send me back with mom. I guess I still had hope, but not anymore. Life is too hard and I'm a coward. I don't want to fight and I don't want to go on. I honestly don't care.
"How could you not care?" I asked the wind. "Your dad, your mom… did you think about them? About anyone?"
It's hard to realize that she had no one in mind. All she could think about was how life sucked for her. It makes me mad. She could have been helped if she had spoken up. Why had she not talked to anyone? Why didn't she ask for help? There are so many unanswered questions.
I feel like I should apologize. I'm not though, does that make me a horrible person? I just want it all to end. I don't want to deal with life anymore. I just want to sleep. I want to sleep for a long time. I want to say good-bye, but I feel like I left a long time ago. I haven't been Bella in a long time. I don't know who I am. I just don't understand how I fell so hard. I want to blame everyone and everything, but I can't. Nobody made me do half the things I did. I was fucking Mike for months before Jessica found out. The real Bella would never have done that. I should have gone off to college and gotten a nice career. I would have met my future husband. I know that I would have kids despite never really wanting any. My life was supposed to be different. It's all gone now.
"You were still so young though. It had only been a year." I said.
I'm sad now. Sadder than I was when I started this. This is pointless. It's as if I can't stop writing. I know once I do, it's over. I'm folding up this letter and going to the cliffs. Jacob and his friends do it all the time. I figured it would be a good spot. I can't swim and it seems less painful. I don't want Charlie to find me. I want to feel that rush of free falling and then… nothing. I will vanish into the ocean. I would be nowhere to be found. I would be lost, adrift somewhere or at the bottom. Just thinking about it makes my body tingle. I guess it's time for me to go. I'm not sure how to end this, but I want to have my last words. I am sorry even if I want to pretend that I'm this asshole. The Bella I knew would never hurt anyone. The Bella I am now doesn't deserve to live. I don't want to live.
When I'm dead just know that I found happiness. I will no longer feel pain. This is what I want. I want to go away. I don't want to be found.
I never understood her letter. It was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. She truly sounded lost and she had given up. I don't think I will ever understand. I've never felt that desperateness to get away, to be free. Even despite everything that has happened up to now, I want to live. I did some pretty bad stuff myself, things that I regret. People have come in an out of my life. I've had my heart broken and I survived, but it doesn't make me better than her.
He was a nice guy, for a while, named James. Totally a blond hottie and I fell for him hard. He was sweet and treated me so gently. God, he was so gentle! I can only think back to our first time, my first time. He was so caring and loving. I couldn't ask for a better experience, but then everything changed. He was controlling and abusive. He liked to keep me close. I didn't know how to get out. I had done all the wrong things. I had moved out of my dorms sophomore year to move in to his apartment. My life revolved around him and when things got bad I didn't see a way out. I felt trapped. I was so embarrassed I couldn't tell anyone. Especially, when James only showed his good side to them. Everyone thought I was lucky to have such a great boyfriend.
Then Embry came to the rescue. James didn't hit me often and when he did it was because he was drunk. He had slapped me the night before and my lip had swelled up. He apologized in the morning and left for work. I was attempting to study for my finals, but I was in my junior year and my classes were harder. I was barely making C's. Embry took that day to surprise me with a visit. He's face of shock was both a relief and fear for me. I was so ashamed and I could only cry. He was my best friend after all. We didn't say a word to each other. He hugged me and let me crumble in his arms once again. By that night, I was packed and moved out of James' apartment. I couldn't even say anything to him. Embry called him at work. Threatened him with calling the cops if he ever came around me again. And he never did. The last thing I heard of him was that he had married some woman. I had always known that he was bisexual, one of the many things that had made me insecure in our relationship because I'm pretty sure he was cheating on me the whole time with women and men.
Then things just got worse from there. I clung to Embry like he was a lifesaver. I understood Bella's pain then. The feeling of losing that person you thought was supposed to be the one. The one person you trusted to never hurt you. I knew that feeling of loss and loneliness. You want to be with that person, who makes you forget, makes you feel better. Embry was that person for me.
"Don't make me drink alone." I whined as I passed him a shot.
"Only because I don't work tomorrow." He said and took it.
Thinking back I feel stupid, but at that moment I just wanted an excuse. I was desperate for affection and I knew that alcohol would loosen us up. I had ill intention and I regret that.
"Embry." I whispered as I lay next to him. "I don't know what I would have done without you."
"You probably would still be at La Push."
"Then I would have never met James."
"Stop. We don't speak of that name." He said playfully as he placed his hand over my mouth.
"You're hand is dirty!" I laughed as I pushed it aside. "I would rather have something else on my mouth."
"You slut!" Embry laughed.
I rolled on top of him and placed a soft kiss on his lips. He looked at me confused, but didn't move. I took that as an 'okay' and continued. I felt starved of affection and attacked his lips hungrily.
"Do you feel that?" I said as I pressed my chest against his.
I could practically hear my own heart.
"Jake." Embry said and pulled my head to face him. "I can't do this."
"What's wrong?" I asked as I got off him.
"Riley." He simply said.
"God, What's wrong with me?" I said and shot to my feet.
"I think you need to find another place to stay."
I lost my best friend that day. For a long time I hadn't known what had happened between him and Riley. I really hoped that it had worked out. I didn't want to be the reason why they had broken up. It turns out that I had nothing to worry. After a couple of months I got the guts to call him.
"Hello?"
"It's me Jake." I said.
"Oh. Embry isn't home right now." Riley said.
"I see…" I said softly and then let out a sigh. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called."
"No, I'm glad that you did. Embry erased your number from his cell phone."
"Oh…"
"I just want you to know that this is Embry's choice. I didn't ask him to do this."
"You didn't? Then, why didn't he talk to me? Is he that mad at me? I was drunk, I made a stupid mistake."
"I know, he knows, but you have to understand that it would be awkward if your friendship continued. I have no problem if you guys talked, but if I knew you were seeing each other well… I wouldn't be okay with that."
"Some friend he is. So, that's it? He's throwing away our friendship of years?"
"I'm not trying to be mean, but he loves me… A lot. He's choosing us."
Not me. He loved him, not me. He was willing to let me go for him. I wasn't mad about that, but my heart broke for the third time regardless if I understood his decision.
"Tell him that I appreciate everything he did for me. Bye."
I never called him again. I never heard from him. It was like Edward all over again, just complicated. I got tired of making friends after that. I vowed to just move on alone and that's what I did. For the next years I just worked, went to school and kept busy. I hardly had time for my family and I had practically become a stranger to everyone.
Making that choice made this difficult. My dad has died and I stood in my childhood home. He had left it to me despite not having stepped foot in it for years. I would fly him out to see me all the time. I never bothered to come back. Now, I was back and permanently.
Everything that had happened up to this point was floating back to me. It was as if I had unlocked something. Everything that I had tried to forget was becoming unforgotten. I remembered Bella, Edward, Embry, James and all the people in between.
"Are you okay?" Rebecca asked.
"No."
"You know we could rent the house. You don't have to drop everything to move back here. You loved California."
"I need to be here. Everything is strange yet, very familiar."
"I know the feeling." She sighed.
"Where's Rachel?" I asked.
"She's being a good host. We should get back."
"I can't."
"Jake…"
"People just keep saying how sorry they are… I don't want to hear it. I just want to be alone."
"Okay. I'll let Rachel now."
I wished there was a way that I could runaway from this. I wanted to escape these feelings that were threatening to consume me. For a long time I evaded emotions and now they were piling on me. The weight was suffocating, but I shook it off enough to get up and leave. I needed to get out. The minute I stepped out of my house I knew where I was going.
There was one place I hadn't gone since coming back.
"Bella." I whispered as I reached the top of the cliff.
It was strange being back here. I sat down and wrapped my arms around my legs as I pressed them against me. I felt so vulnerable and I let my tears fall for the first time. I couldn't believe that everything had brought me back here again.
I could see everyone as a ghost as they appeared before. There was Edward who had his back to me; I wondered where he was now. Had he come out to his family? Was he happy? I saw as his from stepped off the cliff. Then there was Bella. She was smiling as she opened her arms and fell back. Then there was James. He took of with a running start and jumped off. Embry was next, but he simply vanished without jumping off.
I felt like I was going crazy, but I just knew that my mind was trying to make sense of everything. I wiped away my tears and stood up. I knew that I couldn't change all the events that happened in my life, but I had a choice in how to handle it. I could continue to hide or I could take a step forward.
I took off my shirt and stood up. I kicked off my shoes and took off my socks.
"I'm taking back my life!" I screamed, more like roared as I ran. "Welcome back to me." I said as I jumped off.
I was finally making that leap for myself. My heart raced to my throat and my stomach sank to my feet. I laughed all the way down until I met the water. I let my body sink for a second as I opened my eyes. They began to sting, but I admired the blue water that surrounded me. I saw the dark bottom and kicked up. I swam up until I broke through the water.
The sun was bright in the sky and its rays warmed my cold body. I swam to the shore and let myself fall on the warm sand. It was the perfect day to do this. I was breathing heavy as I looked up at the clear sky.
"Despite everything, I'm glad to be home." I said with a smile.
"Jacob?"
I sat up and looked up.
"Edward?"
I couldn't help, but smile at the sight of him. This was incredibly awkward and unbelievable. He looked so confused, but he had a smile as well. He stretched out his hand for me to take and I did. He helped me up.
"It's been so long." He said.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"I was in town and heard about your dad. I just wanted to pay my respects. Your sister told me I could find you here."
"Rebecca. She knows me too well." I laughed. "Thanks for coming."
"Billy was always kind to me… He was a good man."
"Yeah he was." I said.
"Well, I guess I should head back."
"Back to your family's house?"
"Our family home is under remodeling so, I'm at a hotel. Alice is away studying abroad in Paris and my parents are staying in Chicago for a while my mom's dad passed away last month."
"I'm sorry to hear that. Are you down here for something?" I asked.
"I'm actually overseeing the remodeling of the house over the holidays since my parents couldn't make it back in time. I figure it would be good to get away from Boston."
"I know this is so weird, but what are the odds that we would see each other like this? I just feel like we have to catch up now. You could stay at my place for night and have a couple of drinks. I know I would love to hear what you've been up to… God, I know I'm blabbing…"
"Jacob, it's okay. I would like that, but I don't think it's the right time…"
"Edward, trust me, I could use a good distraction."
"I just have so many question. I don't think they're appropriate."
"You mean about Bella?" I asked.
"Yeah."
"I've had years to deal with her death. For a year I couldn't even think about her without crying, but it got easier. I can talk about her now."
"Okay. When do you want me to come by?"
"Tonight. Give me your number, I'll let you know at what time."
We went our separate ways then. I gathered my clothes and walked home. My sisters were waiting for me. They had been worried, but had left me alone. We cried together for our father and laughed over stories about him. We did a lot of that, talking. There were so many things to reminisce about. At the end of the night we all felt better. My sisters left to catch their planes homes. During the planning of the funeral they had insisted on them staying longer, but I wouldn't let them.
They all had families to get back to. Rachel had a newborn baby that she couldn't travel with. That meant that her husband had to stay behind as well because financially they couldn't afford for them both to come. And to not have the one person you love through this must have been hard. Rebecca had her husband who was in the army. She had traveled from where they were recently stationed. I couldn't keep them from their loved ones any longer than they already had.
I send a text to Edward and managed to get my house clean in about an hour by the time he showed up with a bag packed with his clothes and two bottles of wine.
"You can place your stuff in my room. The spare room has been used as storage all these years and honestly neither of my sisters or me could bring ourselves to look through his stuff yet." I said nervously. "Sorry for just throwing word vomit on you."
"That's okay. It makes me feel less insecure if you talk to me like old times. Honestly I was very hesitant and felt like I had no right to walk into your life again after all these years."
"Don't feel like that. Its actually a nice distraction from all of this." I said as I waved my arm around the room. "I can't wait to catch up on everything. Let's start on the less heavy stuff." I suggested.
We started by sitting on the kitchen table and he opened the first bottle of wine. He told me about his career and how he still had two more years in medical school before doing his residency. I told him how proud of him I was. He told that he came out to his parents as gay two years after he left home. He was in a serious relationship at the time and he wanted to bring his partner over for the holidays. His parents were supportive and he realized that he had nothing to worry about. He always knew his parent were open and accepting, but for some reason he had it in his mind that he would disappoint them. They showered him with presents that year that obviously didn't go too well with Alice who insisted that she too was gay to get more presents. She was always a jokester that way. She just liked teasing her brother like any other sibling would.
His relationship didn't survive two months into his medical school and they broke up. He didn't say much about him and I didn't ask. I wasn't sure if it was because I was respecting his privacy or because of the tinge of jealousy I felt. He did a year abroad his first year of college before he had decided to become a doctor. That's why he didn't hear about Bella until the following year when he came back for the holidays with his then serious boyfriend.
"My parents didn't tell me right away." He said as he finished the last of his wine and opened the second bottle. "They knew that I wanted to talk to them about something important. I came out to them and that was the main focus."
"How did they tell you?" I asked as I slid my wine glass over so he could fill mine up too.
"Alice had requested sometime with my then boyfriend to get to know him and she dragged him shopping of all things." He laughed. "He was a good guy. I was attempting to play the piano, but I basically forgot everything all the fancy teachers had thought me. My mom listened quietly as I fumbled through keys at my failed attempt to play one song." He laughed again.
"You were really good. I remember me and Bella would fall asleep many times with you serenating us." I laughed.
"I was. Anyways, my dad came home and asked if we could take a walk. Right away I knew something was up. He took me through a trail behind our house that led into a clearing that once had a home-build jungle gym and now is just empty."
"What's going on?" I asked as we walked out the back door.
"Something happened last year while you were away and we haven't been able to talk about it since your arrival. We wanted to let you settle in and just enjoy the holidays, but you're leaving in a couple of days. It's time to talk about it."
My body got chills at the sound of his serious tone. I followed next to him as he let us to a very familiar trail we took a lot as kids.
"What happened?" I asked scared feeling my throat dry and finding it difficult to swallow.
"Before I tell you this you need to understand mental health…"
"Dad I'm becoming a doctor I've taken one course already on psychology. I'm no expert yet, but I'm pretty familiar with mental health. Can you just tell me what happened? I'm dying from anxiety. Just spill it."
I noticed that he winced at the mention of dying and I stopped just as we reached the now empty clearing.
"Bella committed suicide last year."
He said it so calmly that I wasn't sure I heard him right. Suddenly I felt so heavy as if gravity was pulling me into the center of the earth. I felt cold and I let out a shocked gasp as I steadied myself. It wasn't true.
"Are you sure?" I asked knowing that it was a stupid question.
"I signed the paper work pronouncing her dead. She jumped off a cliff on La Push beach and her body was never recovered."
"Oh my God." I said and placed my hand over my beating heart. "Was it because of me?"
I knew it was selfish to ask that, but I knew in what state I had left her. I not only broke her heart, but told her that I was in love with Jacob; her best friend. She was disgusted by me. Every time she locked eyes with me I could see the hate in them, but I saw past that. I saw the disappointment, the broken heart, betrayal and sadness in her. I knew she was broken and I didn't do anything.
"You are not at fault." My dad said as he forced me to face him. "You are not responsible for her actions regardless off your history. Sometimes people are just lost. I'm sad that she felt that this was her only option and I can't imagine what she went through or what her family is going through. But do not put the blame on yourself."
He seemed desperate as if he was begging me to understand. I could see the fear in his eyes. He was scared of how this would affect me. I can't reassure him that I was okay because I wasn't.
"Did she leave a letter? Anything?" I asked.
"No."
"Why? Why did she do it?" I asked in tears. "She could have had a wonderful life. She could have found her one. Why didn't she fight her illness? Why didn't she seek help? Did she think about her dad? Jacob? Her mom? Did she think no one cared? She was so… young. She was nice, caring and so smart. She wanted to be a writer. She was going to be a writer."
"I don't think I ever stopped talking. I said all the things I wished had happened instead of her suicide. My dad let me cry in his arms for hours until my mother came looking for us. I cried on her arms next and I let her lead me back home where my sister and then boyfriend waited for me. The last two days there were unbearable. I hate to admit it, but I couldn't wait to get out. I just wanted to forget everything, her."
He finished his second glass of wine and I could see he was pained by his memories. I reached out and I placed my hand over his hand that held his wine glass. He looked at me and gave me a small smile.
"I know how hard it must have been to deal with her suicide." I said and gave his hand a small squeeze before pulling away.
I had felt the same way. I knew the need to just get away and start fresh.
"You were actually there. I heard how it happened." He said quietly.
"Yeah, some graduation celebration." I sighed and bit my bottom lip. "It sucked, it really fucking did and I was mad at her for a long time."
My heart felt heavy saying those words that I had never said out loud to anyone, but somehow I felt like Edward would understand.
"I don't blame you." He said as he filled up our wine glasses.
"But she wasn't thinking about me when she did it. She was just so trapped in her mind and in her feelings that nothing else mattered. Suicide felt like the only option to her and it gave her some type of relief." I said and pulled out the letter from my back pocket.
I knew that I wanted Edward to read it and I think that's why I held on to it all these years.
"She left a letter?" He asked as I handed it to him.
"Yeah."
I sipped my wine as he read. I could read all the emotions on his face as he got through the letter. She mentioned him a lot. She hated him all the way up to her death, but she didn't blame him. She didn't blame anyone for her actions. She just wanted peace and she could only get it in death. There was so much more than him or me. She was fighting her inner demons the whole time and she had just stopped fighting. They overcame her and she only saw one way out from what she felt was a horrible life.
The bottle of wine was empty by the time he was done.
"Wow." He simply said and slouched on his chair. "I have the answers in my hand, but I'm still left with so many questions."
"We will never really understand, but I have a vague idea." I said and then walked over to my fridge. "Beer?"
"Yeah."
"Earlier today when I was at the cliff it was as if I was in her shoes." I said as I handed him his beer and I joined him at the table. "The feeling of being a fuck up. I haven't done great things in my life. I've gone through some very hopeless situations too. I understand the feeling of wanting to give up, but we all handle it differently. I've been closed off from any type of emotional bonds even as little as friendships. You and Bella were my only true and last friends."
It was sad to admit my dark thoughts and secrets.
"That's not healthy. Living my life with no connections to other human beings. Always trapped in my mind and my routines. I haven't been in a relationship for the last four years. I don't remember that last time I had a conversation that lasted more than a few sentences that wasn't my sisters." I laughed pitifully.
"Suicide is complicated it. It changes you into a different person and sometimes it's not for the best. It affects everyone around and people grieve and deal with things differently. I'm just lucky that my then boyfriend was there for me." Edward said.
"Yeah, I just got an abusive boyfriend who made me depended on him with his manipulative ways." I said and chugged my beer.
"I'm sorry that happened to you." Edward said sincerely as he reached for my hand this time.
I knew the alcohol was messing with me now when I suddenly felt my blood rush to my bottom half of my body at his small touch.
"That whole situation just fucked me up more. I ended up trying to sleep with my then best friend Embry even though he was in a committed relationship. I was drunk by the way. I guess alcohol and me don't go too well." I laughed.
I stood up and wobbled.
"You're drunk." Edward laughed.
"I'm getting pretty close." I said with a smile and walked to the fridge.
"Hand me another one too." He said and chugged the last of his beer.
"Let's sit on the couch. My ass is hurting from that chair." I said as I threw a beer his way and walked over to the living room.
I caught him up on my life over a course of six more beers and by the end of it we were pretty fucked up.
"You're going to get a job here in the Rez now that you live here?" Edward asked.
"Not yet. I think I might go back to school again." I said honestly. "I don't have to worry about any bills for awhile and I kind of want to go into being a counselor of some sorts. I don't know if in the juvenile system or school, but I just want to guide kids. I just want to help."
"I can see that." He said
"And if I have to I can just get a small part time job and I'll be set. I've always been interested in mastering my mechanic skills more."
"That's hot." Edward said and then laughed. "I'm sorry. I'm pretty drunk now. I should probably go to bed now."
I wanted to stop him, but there were coherent thoughts coming through the fog of drunkenness that told me to not make a fool out of myself. I wanted nothing more than to crawl on to his lap and take his lips under mine. The idea of it was making me so hard and my heart felt like it might burst, but I stayed still.
"You can take my room. I'll sleep in my dad's or maybe the couch."
"I can't let you do that. I can sleep on the couch."
"You're my guest." I reminded him as wagged my finger at him and he swatted it away.
"How about we just both sleep on your bed and we both get to sleep well." He suggested.
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why not?" He asked.
"Remember? Alcohol and I don't mix well." I laughed.
"I do." He said. "Do you remember the first time we ever got fucked up without Bella?"
"Yeah."
"I knew I was gay for sure that night."
"Really?"
"I had never wanted to kiss anyone as much as I had wanted to kiss you that night. Not even Bella. I was still confused and not completely sure about my feelings. That's why I kept dating Bella, but then after the bear attack it all became clear. It was you I was in love with. I wasn't sure when it happened, but I just knew it. But I was so sure that you were straight and that I could never tell you. After that I just had to figure out how to tell Bella and I had decided to tell her after graduation, but then she surprised me one night with the intend to have sex with me. It was a disaster as you read her letter. I wish I had told her sooner… Maybe things would have turned out different for all of us, her."
"Don't do that." I said as I moved closer to him and wiped away his tears. "We can't do the what ifs because if we do we'll just drive ourselves crazy. Things happened the way they did and we can't do anything about it. We can only just heal and try to move on."
"You were always so mature." He mumbled as he looked up at me.
It was coming and I wasn't sure I had the strength, or need, to push him away. I turned away the last second and his lips connected with my cheek and I cried.
"I don't think I ever stopped loving you." I whispered. "I can't do this to myself. It would kill me if everything got fucked up after this when I just got you back in my life."
"I know how you feel." He said as he kissed down my neck and then rested his head against my shoulder.
We stayed liked that for a long time, just holding each other and crying. It was like the last step in our grieving process. We were letting go of the past, everything that led us to this exact moment.
"Let me get you a blanket and a pillow." I said pulled away.
I walked into my room and gathered the items. When I turned around Edward stood at the doorway.
"I don't want to say good-bye."
"What?" I asked confused.
"It felt like we were saying good-bye and it doesn't feel right."
"Edward you're drunk…"
"Drunks tell the truth, right?"
"Edward…"
"I don't want to let you go." He said and pulled me towards him, embracing me in a tight hug. "I rather love you and probably not have it work out then to have you as a friend and always wonder what if."
I was speechless. He pulled away then and I knew it was coming. I met him halfway and let our lips lock. It was electrifying. It was like were molding into one as our passion erupted between us. The desire we had collected over the years and pushed down now spilled through our bodies.
I had never wanted somebody as much as I wanted him. I was hungry for him. We licked, sucked and bit each other's mouths as the room started to spin. We were moving. His shirt and my shirt were off as we fell on my bed. I was a moaning mess as he explored my body. I needed to get free of every item of clothing. I helped take our pants off and I could feel him equally as hard as me. I was scared to touch him there as if I might wake up from a dream. He let go of my bruised mouth and continued down my neck and I opened my eyes for the first time.
This was real. This was really happening.
I dragged my fingers along his back and he shivered underneath me. I slid my hands further down and cupped his ass and squeezed hard. He grinded against me and we both moaned at the sensation. I was sure to get hickeys as he made his way to the other side of my neck. His hand explored my chest giving my nipples some much-needed attention before slipping his hand further down exactly where I wanted it. He freed me and touched me as if he was remembering every detail of me. He let go of me and moved his mouth further down my body and I was a moaning mess as his mouth teased me.
We removed our last clothing items.
I looked down as he took me into his mouth and my head fell back as my back arched. It had been too long since I had done anything close to this. I forced myself to look at him as he bobbed his head and used his hand to bring me to completion. He swallowed everything, as I lay weak underneath him.
"That was fast." He teased me.
"It's been a long time." I said. "Four years to be exact."
"Really?" He asked surprised.
"I wasn't lying when I said I shut the world out."
He crawled up and captured my mouth again. He pushed my legs open and I felt his hand tease my balls before finding my whole.
"You have any lubrication?" He asked with heavy breaths.
I pulled open my drawer and searched for the bottle of lube I used for masturbating. I'd sometimes penetrate myself when I was in the mood.
"Here."
He grabbed it and then coated his fingers in it. He jerked himself between my legs and that was enough to bring me back to life. I followed his motion and touched myself too.
"You're not shy are you?" He teased me as he pulled me closer him.
"I could come from this." I moaned as our hand moved at the same rhythm.
He swatted my hand away then and then began to prep me. He teased my whole with small circles until the entranced loosen enough for him to put his fingertip in. He caressed every part of my body as he worked his finger in and out. It stung at first. I was nervous and it took a while for me to relax. He placed me in his mouth as he worked a second finger in and I was completely at his whim. I was enslaved by this passion and lust he was making me feel through my body and before I knew it I was ready.
I reached over and pulled a condom out for him. He gladly put it on and flipped me over. I got on my knees and positioned myself at the right level. He coated us in more lube and slowly inserted himself.
"Fuck." He growled as he sunk in slowly and almost trembling.
He rubbed my back gently as he settled deep in me. He rested against my back and kissed the back of my neck.
"I can't take it anymore." I moaned as I pushed against him. "Move."
"As you wish." He whispered against my ear and then pulled away.
After that there were no more words. It was grunts and moaning and the slapping of our bodies connecting. Maybe a couple of curse words here and there, but as the climaxes build up we were in heaven.
"So good." I moaned, as I was somehow upright and my hands against the wall.
"Yeah." He growled against my ear as he nibbled it.
"Harder." I begged and he complied.
He pushed me against the wall and I shivered at how cold it was. His hands held on tight to my shoulders as he held me there and slammed into me.
It was coming.
"Fuck. Fuck." Edward kept gasping and grunting.
"Good. So good." I said out of breath as he slammed into me.
I was seeing white as my orgasm ran through my body. My toes curled and I'm sure I scratched off some plaster with my nails. I came instantly with a loud groan. I was weak at the knees, but managed to not fall as Edward gave his last pumps and he came right after me. He collapsed against me, pressing me against the wall harder.
"That was amazing." He sighed.
"Fucking amazing." I corrected him with a small laugh.
"I've never experience anything like this before." He said. "I don't know if I could live without it now that I've had a taste of it."
"Same." I said. "I've never come before without having to touch myself. It was such a whole different experience."
"I wouldn't know." He said against me and then pulled away slowly.
"You don't bottom?" I asked as I fell onto the bed to weak to move.
I threw the cum-covered pillow on the floor and made myself comfortable.
"I do, but I've never cummed like you just did." He said with smirk as he joined me on the bed after disposing of the condom.
"I guess I have my work cut out for me."
"Yup." He said lazily and I knew it was bedtime. "I've never cummed like I just did now either." He mumbled.
He was so cute. I kissed him softly before pulling the blanket over us. I turned to my side and Edward followed me, wrapping his arm around me and holding me tight against his chest.
The sun was already setting announcing the beginning of a new day.
How fitting.
"I love you." Edward whispered against my ear.
"I love you." I said back.
I let my eyes close and for the first time in a long time everything felt right.
A/N: Thank you for taking time to read my story! I haven't felt like writing for a long time now. Life just seems to keep getting in the way if that makes sense. Writing has always been a hobby and like a secret passion. In my usual life I am in management and work in the restaurant business. Customer service sucks lol Life is only going to get more complicated for me, as I have decided to go back to college as a 28 year old because writing this has shown me that this is what I want to do for a career. Not right fanfiction lol or maybe not even write books, but just write. My goal will always be to finish a book and maybe write many books with stories similar to my experiences and that will reach millions of people. But to start with I just want to write, write anything. I love writing essays, fiction, poetry and anything really. If I can just write for a career then I can finally feel like I am accomplishing my dreams. Wish me luck! And I hope to continue writing fanfiction as it has always been my guilty pleasure since I was 17 and joined the twilight fandom. And to this day I still get notifications of people favoring, reviewing and liking my stories and me. I promise to finish Under The Sky just probably not any time soon as I have hit a writers block with that story hence why I wrote this.
As always don't forget to Read and Review. I love hearing from you guys!
Stay awesome.