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"But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but ... after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again ... do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ... Every night I save you" - Buffy the Vampire Slayer
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Sometimes he just sits there, staring at nothing.
Or he'll be walking alongside them, his eyes far away and once again, staring at nothing.
He doesn't sleep and he doesn't talk, not unless he absolutely has to.
They all think he is lost, too consumed in his grief and he knows they are keep an extra eye on him, thinking that he will snap at any moment.
He hates it because they don't get it, they don't understand.
He's not lost or confused. He would be able to kill a walker if it were to stumble into his path.
He was there, with them, but he also wasn't.
They all thought he was staring at nothing, looking at nothing, but they wouldn't know. They would never know that every time he goes silent, when it looks like he is lost to them, he is anything but.
He's with her and her light is so strong, so brilliant and beautiful, that he doesn't care what anyone else thinks about him in that moment because all he sees is her. That's all he needs.
Every night, he is with her.
Every night, he saves her.
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"Oh."
He hears the cans rattle outside and he knows he should go check on it but he doesn't move, doesn't say anything because this moment, it's too important to interrupt. He needs her to know just what she means to him and in the morning, when he goes to check the perimeter of the funeral home, he doesn't even give the bloody remains of that damn dog another glance.
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He hears the cans rattle outside and he gets up, grabbing his crossbow and he walks to the door, telling her to stay put. He sees them through the window and he quietly rushes back to her. He tells her to grab her shit and she doesn't question it and within minutes they are escaping out through the window, running toward the woods and all he can think about is how grateful he is that she is with him.
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He was an idiot. He opened that damn door without even thinking. Now he's being swarmed and he's yelling to her, telling her to grab her shit and to pry open a window. She yells back, saying she wasn't going to leave him and even though it pains him to say it, he tells her to go on, go up the road and he would meet her there and as he kills the last walker he rushes toward the road and there she is, all blonde hair wild and blue eyes filled with nothing but concern and without another thought he pulls her into his arms and for once, he isn't afraid of letting someone get too close.
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He yells at her to get to the road and he gets there just in time. He sees the men grabbing her, trying to shove her into the car and all he sees is red. The first man he sees gets an arrow to the chest and he doesn't even spare him a second glance as he gets to the other man. This man has got his hands all over her and he can already see the blood dripping down her face and he is livid. He doesn't stop touching this man until she tells him too, tells him that is okay and that she is here, they are safe, those men can't hurt her anymore. They get into the car, leaving those bastards on the side of the road and as they drive down the road, her hand finds his and he knows in that moment, that he is never going to let her go.
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He sees that car speeding off and his legs are moving before his brain even catches up. He runs as hard and as fast as he can and he knows he's not as young as he used to be and his lungs burn and his chest aches and his legs are threatening to give out at any moment but he doesn't stop. He can't stop because he still sees that car and he knows he can catch up to it. And he does. And he saves her.
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He never actually did any of that though. He was stupid, reckless, careless. He opened that door and the walkers got in and he told her to get the hell out of there, not even thinking that there would be danger on the road. He gets there and he sees her bag and he sees that car driving away and he runs but he isn't fast enough.
He didn't save her.
He thought he would make it up to her the next time he saw her. He was so close to her, he felt her underneath his hand in that cramped hospital hallway. He wasn't even thinking straight then. He was too caught up in seeing her again, in knowing that he had finally saved her that he let his guard down, again. Stupid. Reckless. Careless.
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"Wait!"
He sees her beginning to walk ahead but he grabs her hand, keeping her close. He doesn't trust these people and he needs to get her out of here. She looks back at him, pleading with her eyes to let her go but he just shakes his head. Later, when they are walking out of that hospital together, his hand still tightly locked with hers, he knows he will never let go of her again.
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He sees her hand move and he just knows she is about to do something stupid. He can't blame her, he can't even imagine the types of horrors that she had to go through here but he has this feeling in his gut and he knows that if she does this, it will end badly. So he rushes forward, gripping her arm just as she stabs those scissors into the woman and he pulls her back against him just as the sound of a gun shot echoes around them. She collapses against him and for a moment he panics, thinking that he was too late but then she moves and he can feel her heartbeat pounding beneath his arm wrapped around her and he can suddenly breathe again.
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He can tell how much she's changed just by looking at her. He sees himself in her and so he pulls his gun out of his waistband as she steps forward because he has an idea of what she is going to do and his eyes are focused on the scene in front of him and he doesn't hear what she says to the woman but he watches as her hand comes up, gripping a pair of scissors. He sees the woman grabbing her gun and he knows that she wants to do this, she deserves to be the one to end this woman's life but all he can see is that gun and it's too close to his girl so without even thinking he points it and shoots just as those scissors make contact and when she stumbles back, eyes wide as the woman drops dead in front of her, he pulls her into his arms and when she wraps her own around him, he just knows he doesn't plan on letting her out of his sight ever again.
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He never did any of that either though. He watched helplessly as that bullet went through her head and he swears, a part of himself died in that hallway along with her.
He lost her again.
He didn't save her, again.
Months pass and every day, every night, every moment he finds himself back there, thinking of all the different ways he could have saved her. he tortures himself and he knows the group is worried but they don't understand. He needs to do this, to imagine that just once, he was able to save her.
They had been at the safe zone for almost two months and he's on guard duty when he catches sight of that familiar blonde hair and for just a slight moment, he thinks he's dreaming, that he has finally gone crazy because there was no way that it was possible. But he jumps down from the wall and is running towards her because suddenly, he just knows. He knows she is real and that she made it because she had told him before.
She wasn't just another dead girl.
His arms are around her and she's crying against his chest and he's sure his own tears are soaking through her hair but none of that matters when he feels her own arms wrapping around him, holding him so tight that he's having trouble breathing but he doesn't care. When they finally pull away from each other and he looks into her eyes, those oceans of blue that are swimming with tears and he swears he has never seen anything more beautiful, he sees something else in those eyes though and when he realizes what it is, he can't help but smile.
She never needed him to save her at all, no, she could do that all by herself, but him, oh he needed her like the world needs the sun. She was his light and he never told her any of this but he knows that she knows.
That day, she saved him.
...
So I was on tumblr and I saw this post ( little turtlelove .vu /post/ 99121402705 /i-want-you-to-know-i-did-save-you-not-when-it ) and it got me thinking and I really should be getting ready for work and I should be working on my other stories but I just couldn't get this one out of my head so...yeah. Whoops.
As always, thank you for reading and please review!