I have to start putting myself back together. So I didn't get the girl. It's really not the end of the world. I can't help but laugh when I think about the bigger picture. My friend Nathan called my feelings towards Katniss puppy love. Yet another expression that must be a left over from some past that no longer touches us. Puppy love, no one around here keeps dogs. But apparently, puppy love means it's fleeting, capricious, and flippant. Often associated with children's feelings. Because, children's feelings are not too be taken seriously. I hate it when grownups patronizingly call us children, because really, what the hell does childhood mean in this world? We feel the wrath of our oppression the moment we are born, and any traces of innocence left are lost the moment our names appear on pieces of paper that toss us into a battle of death and murder. And yet, I couldn't possibly fully appreciate the sensation of love? In this world, having hope and finding beauty in our bleak lives gives us the only triumph we can achieve. So for me, a victor, keeping that hope is my only mission. That and keeping the ones I love safe.
I'm not stupid. After the games, before I saw Katniss, I had time to think about what we had pulled off and I knew the Capitol could not be happy. I did however, think that our love, I mean the love I thought we shared, would save us. That it would make for great television and hell of a story, ultimately giving the Capitol and Snow exactly what they want, distraction. I thought our truth would ultimately appease any animosity. But the moment I found out that it was in act, the passionate moment of despair and suicide between two crossed lovers became an obvious moment of resistance and rebellion. If Snow is suspicious, he will keep an eye on us and that means I have a lot more people to protect than just Katniss and my family. Yes, I definitely still feel obliged to help Katniss, love or no love we are in this together now. Maybe forever.
I look around my home and I'm grateful that Effie had a crew set everything up. I would not care to organize this space. I'm glad my family stayed in town. I felt so liberated going right to my mother and telling her right to her face that I didn't want her near me. I offered my brothers and father my home, but they still can't break away from the cycle of abuse and after the abuse I got in the arena, I will not put up with it from my mother. Part of me is also glad they decided not to come, part of me wants to hide away and be left to mourn alone. I look outside and I can see that it's getting late. Now what?
I am having a hard time concentrating. It's not like I have fleeting thoughts, I have moments of blankness. Now what? Oh yes, I dealt with my family. Now my friends, that is if I still have them. I need to make sure we stuck to the plan. This would have been the first time we actually had to turn to our plan since it was the first time one of us, from my close circle of friends, was reaped. When we were ten years old, starting to feel the Reaping loom over us, we started to discuss what would happen if one of us had to go. We had an encounter with Haymitch that made us realize that he wasn't lonely due to his drunken stupor. He had demons and he needed someone badly. Clearly he wanted to be alone by choice. At the age of ten we had experienced enough oppression from the Capitol to know that the Capitol would have no problem coming in to harm a single person. No, Haymitch wanted to be alone to keep the wrath of the Capitol away from other innocent bystanders. So we knew that if some day, one of us were reaped we would make sure to deflect enough attention from any one of us. I successfully did not mention any of them during the games. Thankfully, all my attention and the Capitol's was turned to Katniss and Katniss alone. When we were the district's pair, I knew I was going to die to protect her, so our plan wouldn't have mattered, but they did not know about my commitment to die. However, now that we both made it back, I need to make sure no one in my life was highlighted, especially not Ivy. Especially now that I know Snow will be watching us.
I think of my friends Nathan, Silas, Delly, and Ivy. The infamous event that lead to our master plan in case we were reaped. When we were ten years old, Nathan dared Silas to break into Haymith's house to get liquor. It was stupid and pointless, especially to me since I didn't like the taste of it back then. I guess we were all going through a mischievous phase. We did, that was actually the first time I met Haymitch. I wonder if he remembers, he never brought it up during the games or after and I didn't want to bring it up. We broke into his home at night assuming he would be asleep, I laugh knowing now why that was such a big mistake. There is no way he sleeps at night. Not then, not now, maybe not ever. He only passes out. We were so startled by his mad screams that Silas dropped the bottles of liquor. He was furious. I froze in terror. Luckily for me he fell and he cut his hands on the shattered glass. The site of blood and my friends calling out my name from outside shook me and I ran. I felt so guilty that the next day, I woke up bright and early with my dad to help him bake bread. He let me make two small loaves with the scraps of dough left from the bigger loaves of bread. I walked back to Haymitch's house and bravely knocked on his door. I still remember the anger and annoyance in his voice as he answered the door.
"What?!" then he looked confused as he looked at this small child standing in front of him. I immediately felt tears jump to my eyes. I was so scared of him, before me stood a killer and I had really made him angry. But I was determined to apologize.
Before I knew it I was blabbering on. "Mr. Haymitch, I'm Peeta Mellarck, I wanted to apologize for what my friends and I did last night. It was a stupid mistake, and we were bored, and we wanted to try hard liquor, and well we thought you of all people would have it. I would pay you back for the bottles we broke but there is no way we can repay that. I am also so sorry for the cuts on your hands. We had no right to break in like that…" My voice trailed off and I realized that I had said all of that in one breath but my nerves had not let me inhale. I found myself staring at his gray eyes.
His eyes moved to my paper bag. "What's in the bag?"
Finally I inhaled. "I brought you two loaves of bread as a token of my apology." He ripped the bag out of my hand. I saw his hands and saw that it was covered in old scars, I noticed more than one set of scars around his wrists. In District 12, you learn early on what that means. He reached into the bag and grabbed one loaf and took a big bite. I felt frozen, I was hoping he would dismiss me, hell I even would have preferred if he wanted to talk to my parents. I didn't care if that meant a beating from my mother, as long as he would dismiss me. After he ate the first loaf of bread in record time he stared at me. "You're Brian's kid right?" he asked.
"Yes sir." I couldn't believe my voice was so shaky and squeaky, I was terrified. He began to chew on the second loaf. While he ate I looked past his gray eyes into his home and saw the havoc. The holes in the wall, the smell of human waste, vomit, and total abandonment. The site of his home scared me more than this man's ability to kill. I know now because his home screamed hopelessness. Back then it just sent shivers down my spine. He shoved the empty bag back in my chest, which made me jump when his hand made contact with me.
"Take your trash with you" as he slammed the door behind him.
Yes, I knew I did not want me or my friends to end up like him. I never want to experience his loneliness. Suddenly there is knock at my door which startles me from my memory. I jump and walk towards the door. I've been back two weeks and aside from my family and Haymitch I've had no visitors. As soon as I open the door Delly rushes in and throws her arms around me. I lose my balance and we both crash to to the floor. She starts laughing out loud without letting go. Then I see Nathan and Silas pile on top and I'm being crushed by the overwhelming weight of their friendship and laughter. It's a strange moment because I feel a little detached, as if looking in from the outside, and I'm surprised to hear myself laughing with them. As if I didn't have a single care in the world.
"Guys get off me!" I laugh. They laughingly comply. "What are you guys doing here?"
"Well, at first we were going to wait for an official invitation Mr. Big Shot, and I don't know about you guys" he motions towards the rest of the gang "but I never got one" Silas turns to Nathan and Delly.
"I'm so sorry guys, I've been… out of sorts." I say to them feeling a little ashamed and badly for ignoring them this long.
"Is that what you call it?" Silas replies with a grin on his face. I know exactly where he's going and before In can interject he continues. "You are living next to your new sweetheart I can only imagine why you've been ignoring us and how you, of all people, are keeping busy." Nathan howls and pats Silas on the back while Delly rolls her eyes. I stay eerily quiet and this pulls the familiar banter to a halt. They just stare at me feeling they said something wrong. I want to explain, but not in here. I can't be sure we are completely alone. I bring my finger to my mouth.
"Stop Silas, I don't want you talking about her like that. She's special to me." I say and he nods understandingly, I can't explain in here. It's Saturday night, and they must have come for something and I don't want any potential ears or eyes to know about it. "I was just about to walk into town. I need to exercise my leg at least one hour a day so that I can get used to it. How about you guys walk with me, catch me up on what I've missed, and in case I'm too tired to keep going you all can carry me back home." I laugh, but I suddenly realize that they have not stopped looking at my leg. I take a deep breath and just go for it without thinking. I pull my pants up so that they see it. "Ok guys, here it is, see it, get used to it, get over it, I did."
"You're right. I'm so proud of you. As far as I'm concerned you're back in one piece and I couldn't be happier" Nathan says as he gives me a big hug. And with that we walk out. I have so many questions for them and I need to know how the Final Eight Interviews went. I never saw them. Plus, I'm glad they're here, it dawns on me that it's the first five minutes where I haven't thought about the arena. I welcome the distraction. Finally outside, I say "so you guys really missed me. I'm really sorry I hadn't called…"
But my thought is cut off by Delly."We're throwing you a surprise welcome back party!"
"What the fuck Delly?!' Silas and Nathan protest. I start to laugh and Delly looks like she's about to break into tears.
"I'm sorry guys, but I don't know how fragile he is, what if being surprised sends him into a trance, shocks him, or sends him off screaming?! I'm sorry but I don't' think I can see you like that Peeta" her tears start running down her face and I throw my arms around her. Her concerns are probably not entirely off base. I have been jumpy, and have been seeing things that are not there. Another reason why I've been avoiding my friends and family. Just yesterday I saw Cato, but at least I knew instantly that I was awake and so it was not real. Of course, I accomplished nothing after that for the rest of the day.
I look around at Silas and Nathan. "She's not entirely wrong. I'm going through some things. I'm trying… I'm trying to sort things out and get used to being back here. I'm processing what happened, what I did, what I had to do… to survive". They nod.
"Whatever you need, you got it" says Nathan.
"I'm going to run ahead and make sure no one screams surprise. Wait here, I'll be back. That ok?" Silas gives us his good natured grin and runs ahead. I'm so touched by their gesture. I can't believe they seem so at ease around me. I don't want that to change.
Nathan puts his hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eyes. "Look I wanted to talk to you about anything you needed to talk about before this party. I just didn't know if I should come to you, I didn't want to intrude, especially if you were going to be with Katniss… But rumor has it, you two haven't seen each other since the Capitol freaks left town. This was the only day we could sneak this party, and you know our parties…" he talks in a low voice and raises his eyebrows.
The town kids have been throwing parties in vacant houses for as long as I can remember. Yes we have to sneak around, break curfew at times, and sneak liquor but it's all we got. We never rat each other out. Planning takes time and lots of coordination, so I fully appreciate the thought. Normally we make parties at the end of the school year and at the end of the summer.
"Thanks guys, I'm honored. As for Katniss, you didn't hear wrong." I say.
"It was an act then?" Nathan asks and my reluctant nod gives it away. "On her part anyway" says Nathan. I nod again. "I knew it! Man! I wanted it to be true. I have to hand it to the two you, it was the most exciting Games to date, according to the Capitol. " He says it sarcastically imitating the Capitol accent. "Leave it to Mellarck to serve them up with a fucking beautiful love story. I'm impressed, really. By her especially, I didn't know she had it in her."
"I'm so sorry Peeta. That must have been weird for you. Did you even have time to consider your feelings? Did you guys agree to this before you entered the arena?" asks Delly.
I laugh. "No, she found out along with the rest of the country about my genuine feelings."
"What was your angle?" asks Nathan.
"I didn't have one." Nathan and Delly's eyes grow wide because they know what I'm about to say next. "The moment they called my name at the reaping, I knew I was going to die. I had no intention to take part in a fight to win. My angle was to make sure she won." This takes their breath away. "Which brings me to my questions for you guys. How did our Master plan play out?"
"I was the only one interviewed. The rest were teachers, some of our wrestling buddies, your brothers of course. General sentiment is that you're popular, you're well liked, the teachers love you, you kick ass in wrestling, and that sums it up. When they saw how many friends you had, well you would have taken up the entire special." Says Nathan coolly but I can still tell he's catching his breath after hearing my confession.
I finally ask, anxiously. "No one mentioned Ivy?"
"No." They both reply in unison.
"She was not interviewed and no one mentioned you having a girlfriend. Thank goodness." Delly sighs with relief.
"Indeed" I say.